看Friends学英语-Season Two

多云有时晴

210 The One With Russ
[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.]
RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning.
JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed before.
MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was.
PHOE: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject.
JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reading from newspaper] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.
CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs, read yours.
PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction...
CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.
ROSS: I don't want to.
RACH: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues.
JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] sucking.
Credits
[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.
[Ross enters, depressed.]
ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii.
PHOE: Are... are you OK?
ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he?
MNCA: Maybe.
ROSS: Don't toy with me.
[Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica's bedroom.]
FBOB: Geller!
ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!
FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh?
ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!
MNCA: You and me both.
FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon?
PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.
FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?
JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really.
FBOB: No, I'm picking you up.
JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, bounces him. Joey laughs.] Alright! It still works.
FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? [everyone raises their hands] I'm still gonna go.
MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe.
FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica]
[Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns their heads away from Monica.]
FBOB: See ya. [exits]
ALL: Bye! See you later!
PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great.
MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.
PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve.
MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.
PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve.
RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles]
MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses.
JOEY: I just had a glass.
PHOE: Two.
RACH: I had one glass.
CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.
RACH: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five?
[All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.]
ROSS: Oooooh.
JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a minute ago] Ooooooh.
MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.
ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand.
PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'
JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?
MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.
[Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.]
MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?
RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it.
MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no.
RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some.
FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?
[Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.]
PHOE: Um, cake.
RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.]
MNCA: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.
FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.
MNCA: Bobby.
FBOB: Yeah, OK.
MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you.
FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.'
MNCA: So, what are you saying now?
FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug]
PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake] Sooo, what's goin' on, huh?
FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking.
PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why?
[Chandler and Joey enter.]
CHAN: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
MNCA: Hey.
PHOE: Hey.
CHAN: Guess who's back in show business.
PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?
CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dead.
PHOE: Oh, no.
CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who.
JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!
PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.
PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.
RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans.
MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends?
RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.
MNCA: What?
JOEY: With a man?
RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date?
JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you?
RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore.
MNCA: What are you talking about?
RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.
PHOE: But you guys came so close.
RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.
[Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).]
RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.
RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii.
[Everyone looks at each other in amazement.]
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle (ESTL) is speaking on the phone.]
ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.
[Joey enters.]
ESTL: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition?
JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.
ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?
JOEY: No.
ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.]
JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...
ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in.
ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey] Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.]
RACH: What's the matter?
MNCA: It's Fun Bobby.
RACH: What, isn't he sober?
MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.
RACH: Ohhh, OK.
[Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.]
MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee]
FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?
MNCA: Oh God, yes!
FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
PHOE: That is funny.
FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now?
FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves]
CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dull Bobby.
MNCA: Oh.... my... God.
PHOE: It's not that bad.
MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story?
PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky.
RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.
MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
[Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh!
RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK?
RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people.
[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]
PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.
RACH: Hi.
PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?
RACH: Uhh.... waitressing?
PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?
RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?
PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.
[Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.]
PHOE: Oh, my, oh!
ROSS: What? What's wrong?
PHOE: I, OK....
MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.
ROSS: Alright.
CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.
RUSS: Hi.
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?
RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.
ROSS: A date.
RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.
ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date.
CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....
RUSS: Periodontist.
MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later that night.
ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.
RUSS: Ditto.
[ROss approaches Rachel at counter.]
ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.
RACH: Oh.
ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.
RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so....
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal.
ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.
RACH: Um, Russ, you ready?
RUSS: Yeah.
RACH: Bye.
MNCA: Bye.
PHOE: Bye.
[Russ and Rachel leave together.]
ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating.
CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?
ROSS: What do you mean?
MNCA: Do you not see it?
ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.
CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
ROSS: ....................Yeah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.]
CHAN: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.
JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it.
CHAN: Oh my God!
JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my... God?
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.
CHAN: So, what're you gonna do?
JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?
CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.
JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.
CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce]
JOEY: Sorry.
CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking?
JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her.
CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.
JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.
CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?
JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]
WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar?
MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you.
FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it.
MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. [to waiter] Just some water.
FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator...
MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]
CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium.
RUSS: Dysprosium.
ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.
CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.
[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.]
PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it?
RACH: What?
PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.
RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ.
PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!
RACH: Steve... sleeve!
PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve.
RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
[They look over at Russ and Ross.]
ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.
CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
RUSS: I know what your problem is.
ROSS: Oh you do, do you?
RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.
ROSS: Of... of what?
RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.
RUSS: Hey, you listen.
ROSS: No, no, let me finish.
RUSS: No, let me finish.
ROSS: No, you let me fini...
[Rachel walks up behind them.]
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Hi.
RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away]
[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left?
CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?
RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?
CHAN: Me.
RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you?
CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not?
[Monica enters from her bedroom.]
CHAN: Hey.
MNCA: Morning.
ROSS: Where ya goin'?
MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?
ROSS: Ooooohhhh.
[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.]
PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor?
ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again?
MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.
[Three slow knocks on the door.]
RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring.
[Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.]
MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.
FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?
MNCA: Sure.
[They both step out into the hall.]
FBOB: This is really hard for me to say.
MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.
FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you.
MNCA: What about me?
FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem.
MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles] Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.
FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?
MNCA: Oh... shoot.
FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.
MNCA: OK.
[They hug and kiss.]
MNCA: Take care.
FBOB: You too.
[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.]
RACH: What happened?
MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up.
GANG: Awwwwwwww.
[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.]
MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these?
CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.
[Joey enters.]
JOEY: Hey.
GANG: Hey!
ROSS: How'd the callback go?
JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me.
CHAN: So what'd you do?
JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way.
ROSS: Good for you.
JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.
PHOE: So... and?
JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!
GANG: Allright!
JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves]
[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.]
Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHAN: Oh, hey.
PHOE: Hi.
RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.
CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man.
RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?
[Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.]
PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him.
RUSS: Oh.
[Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.]
JULIE: Hey.
CHAN: Hey!
PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?
JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um....
[Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...]
END

多云有时晴

211 The One With the Lesbian Wedding
[at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up]
ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!
CAROL: So how did everything go?
ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.
CAROL: Well, we've gotta go.
ROSS: Ok.
SUSAN: [clears her throat]
CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us.
ROSS: Oh, you and me?
CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me.
SUSAN: The other us.
ROSS: Ok.
CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married.
ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?
CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.
ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.
CAROL: Look I just thought that...
ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me!
SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair?
ROSS: Mmm hmmm.
CAROL: Want us to go?
ROSS: Uh-huh.
[at Rachel and Monica's]
ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television.
JOEY: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives..
MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast.
ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes!
MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it?
ROSS: Would it matter?
MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisses him] Thank you!
JOEY: Are you really not going?
ROSS: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?
MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.
ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason.
CHANDLER: [singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.
MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this.
ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there.
JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.
RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] Did I miss it? Did I miss it?
JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.
CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty.
JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
RACHEL: I'm sorry, what?
MONICA: What?
JOEY: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.
CHANDLER: Oh, ok.
JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.
MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right?
JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.
CHANDLER: Nice!
RACHEL: That's great!
ROSS: Excellent!
CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something.
[Monica and Rachel's]
ROSS: That is so good! Do it again!
JOEY: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!"
CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
ROSS: No no, that's me.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah.
ROSS: Oh, hello.
PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...
ROSS: Is everything ok?
PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
ROSS: Oh my god.
CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.
PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.
MONICA: Oh, honey.
PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.
RACHEL: What do you mean?
PHOEBE: I think it went into me.
[Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe]
[Central Perk]
MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.
CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.
RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what?
ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.
CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?
RACHEL: Oh god.
JOEY: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'.
RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know?
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.
JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us?
PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Sit up!
MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is.
RACHEL: Mom!
MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun.
RACHEL: Pretty much.
MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.
RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross.
MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross.
ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up to shake her hand, but she ignores him.]
MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?
RACHEL: Oh Mom!
MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.
CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that happens.
MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.
RACHEL: Really?
MRS GREEN: Yes.
PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.
JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?
PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?
[at Rachel and Monica's
MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.
MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have some life here, sweetie.
RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know?
MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want.
RACHEL: For...me.
MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you.
RACHEL: Well, what do you mean?
MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving your father.
MONICA: [entering] All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick.
MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.
ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting along?
RACHEL: None.
JOEY: They didn't fight a lot?
RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] In my day, divorce was not an option.
JOEY: Hey, look who's up.
RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.
MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.
RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?
CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true.
PHOEBE: That's him.
CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet.
MR A: Phoebe?
PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me.
MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.
PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit?
MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear?
PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.
MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you?
PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around?
MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.
PHOEBE: Everything?
MR A: Everything.
PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.
MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head.
MR A: [to Joey] Worth a shot, huh?
[Joey nods and shrugs.]
MRS GREEN: Look at this.
RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago.
MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office?
RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.
MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"?
RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."
MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.
RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help?
MONICA: If you want.
PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.
RACHEL: She's still with you?
PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. [Takes Mrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh, such a pretty face.
MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
RACHEL: God!
MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food.
MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?
RACHEL: Oh! What's new in sex?
MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been with is your father.
MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything.
MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?
MRS GREEN: No.
RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it?
MRS GREEN: No.
RACHEL: Then what? What do you want?
MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this.
RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this?
MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I did.
RACHEL: Oh.
MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!
CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.
MONICA: Joey, speed it up!
JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets!
PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.
MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?
PHOEBE: Sir! No sir!
MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you!
ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.
MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon.
CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.
[knock at the door]
MONICA: Hi.
CAROL: How's it going?
MONICA: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers.[everyone groans]
CAROL: Fine, whatever.
ROSS: What's the matter?
CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.
ROSS: What?
MONICA: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.
ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? What happened?
CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming.
ROSS: Oh my god.
CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything.
ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry.
CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do.
ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right.
CAROL: You do?
ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.
CAROL: Of course I do.
ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it.
CAROL: You're right. Of course you're right.
MONICA: So we're back on?
CAROL: We're back on.
MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.
[at the wedding]
JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.
[Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece of candy.]
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
[Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.]
CAROL: Thank you.
ROSS: Any time. [He doesn't want to let her go]
CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go]
MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! [Phoebe's voice] Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.
[At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and Susan getting their picture taken.]
MONICA: Would you look at them?
ROSS: Yeah, can't help but.
JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I wrapped those bad boys.
PHOEBE: I miss Rose.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah?
PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone.
WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink?
PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice.
[Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.]
CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman] I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away]
RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun?
MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.
RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right?
[Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely]
SUSAN: How you doin'?
ROSS: Ok.
SUSAN: You did a good thing today.
ROSS: Yeah.
SUSAN: You wanna dance?
ROSS: No, that's fine.
SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead.
ROSS: Ok.
[They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.]
CHANDLER: [to the woman who just rejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. [She walks away again.]
[at Monica and Rachel's]
MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married?
ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married.
PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically.
RACHEL: I had a wedding.
MONICA: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.
JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler]
CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this?
ALL: Oh, yeah!
END

多云有时晴

212/213 The One After the Superbowl

[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]

[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...

[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]

[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]

ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad.

JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.

ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.

PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys.

ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.

RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]

[Joey enters holding a letter]

JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.

CHANDLER: Rhythm?

JOEY: No, my first fan mail.

ALL: Alright!

MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'

RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.

MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.

JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.

[Ross enters with a suitcase]

ROSS: Hey guys.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?

ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.

[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]

RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.

[Everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.

ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.

PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.

ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.

PHOEBE: Oh, wow.

ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?

PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]

JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?

CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]

[door buzzer goes off]

CHANDLER: Hello.

ERICA: It's Erica.

JOEY: Ah, the stalker.

ERICA: Never mind, it's open.

CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

JOEY: Let's get out of here.

[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]

CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.

JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.

JOEY: She's comin'.

[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]

ERICA: It's me.

JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?

CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]

[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]

ERICA: Hi.

JOEY: Erica.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]

LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.

ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.

LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.

ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?

LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.

ROSS: I can't believe this.

LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.

ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.

LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.

ROSS: Zoo dollars?

LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]

KIDS: Ooohhh.

PHOEBE: I know.

MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.

CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?

RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

RACHEL: And she's not crazy?

CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.

CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.

ROB: You OK?

PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.

ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.

PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?

ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.

PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]

ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?

JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?

ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.

JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.

ERICA: Who's they?

JOEY: No one.

ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.

JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]

ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.

[Some guy at another table starts choking]

WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?

ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.

[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]

JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.

ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?

JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive.

[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]

ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?

JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.

ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?

JOEY: But that's what...

ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.

JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]

ERICA: Hey what?

JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]

PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you get older
when you'll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
But don't.
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

MONICA: Excellent!

CHANDLER: Very informative!

RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!

PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.

ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.

PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.

ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.

PHOEBE: But.

ROB: How did you know there was a but?

PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.

ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.

PHOEBE: I can do that.

ROB: Really?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?

PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]

JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?

JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.

ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.

JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?

ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.

JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?

ROSS: That guy Lipson?

JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?

ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.

JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.

JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.

ROSS: Of course.

JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.

ROSS: This is unbelievable.

JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?

ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?

JANITOR: Maybe.

ROSS: But you already told me everything.

[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]

ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.

RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do?

ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.

CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.

PHOEBE: OK, hi again.

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]

TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.

JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.

ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.

[knock at the door]

ERICA: It's Erica.

JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.

RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.

JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?

MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.

JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.

ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?

JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?

ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?

JOEY: Who?

ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.

JOEY: It's not what you think, that was...

ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]

JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?

RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]

ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.

JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.

ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?

JOEY: I'm not Drake.

ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.

ERICA: Is this true?

RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]

CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]

ERICA: Is all this true?

JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.

ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]

ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.

JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care

ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]

JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]

PHOEBE: Fired! Why?

ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.

PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?

ROB: No.

PHOEBE: I see.

ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.

PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?

ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.

PHOEBE: Who's Barney.

[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]

ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.

RACHEL: You're kidding.

JOEY: This is amazing.

ROSS: I know.

JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.

RACHEL: OK.

[little kid enters]

KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.

KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.

[a rush of kids enter]

PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they're kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]

ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.

CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?

SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.

ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.

MONICA: Ross, there he is.

ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]

[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]

SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...

JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]

ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]

JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.

ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.

TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.

RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?

TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.

ALL: Woah.

CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?

JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.

JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.

PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?

JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?

SUSIE: We've got a problem.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.

SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?

SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.

SUSIE: I hate actors.

CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.

SUSIE: Excuse me.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh.

SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?

CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.

SUSIE: Chandler Bing?

CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.

SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.

CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.

SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.

CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.

[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

RACHEL: What what what what?

MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.

RACHEL: Ya think?

MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?

RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?

MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.

RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?

MONICA: Oh, yeah.

RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?

MONICA: He could hear me.

RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.

MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.

RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.

VAN DAMME: Hi.

RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.

VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute?

RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?

VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.

[back to Chandler and Susie]

CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.

SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?

CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.

[a voice in the background calls for makeup]

SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.

CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.

SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.

CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.

SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.

CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?

[back to Rachel and Monica]

MONICA: So what'd he say?

RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.

MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.

RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.

MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...

RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]

RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.

JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.

RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?

MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.

RACHEL: That is so unfair.

PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.

JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?

ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.

JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.

[Chandler enters]

CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.

PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?

CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak.

PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.

CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?

PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.

CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.

CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'

MONICA: What did you say?

CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?

PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]

SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.

CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.

SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.

SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?

CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.

SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.

CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?

SUSIE: Could ya?

CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]

ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.

JOEY: Oooh.

ROSS: With mealworms.

JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?

[phone rings]

ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.

RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?

PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...

MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.

RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.

MONICA: You sold me out.

RACHEL: I did not sell you out.

MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.

RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]

MONICA: Did you just flick me?

RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]

MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]

RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.

MONICA: You flicked me first.

[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]

PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.

[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]

MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.

PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?

MONICA: OK.

RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: Fine.

MONICA: Fine,

PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]

ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.

JOEY: Forget about it.

SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?

CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.

JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.

JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat?

SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.

SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.

CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.

SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]

CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]

[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]

SUSIE: C'mon.

CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this.

SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.

CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]

SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?

CHANDLER: What?

SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.

CHANDLER: Oh.

SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.

CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.

SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.

CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?

SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.

CHANDLER: OK.

[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]

SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.

CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.

SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.

CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?

SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.

CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean?

SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.

CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?

SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]

CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.

[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]

MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?

VAN DAMME: Sure.

MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.

VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.

MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?

VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...

[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]

MONICA: Say you're sorry.

RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]

MONICA: Say it.

RACHEL: No. [hitting again]

[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]

MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.

RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.

MONICA: Say you're sorry.

RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]

MONICA: What're you gonna do?

RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.

MONICA: You don't have the guts.

RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.

[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]

PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?

[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]

PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.

MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.

RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse.

MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.

RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.

MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]

[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]

[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]

CHANDLER: Joey?

JOEY: Ma?

CHANDLER: Joey!

JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.

JOEY: Are you naked in there?

CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.

JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?

CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.

JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.

JOEY: Well, let me see.

CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.

JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.

[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]

ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.

JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.

ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]

CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.

ROSS: Hi Tushie.

CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.

JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.

CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?

JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.

[Some guy has entered.]

ALL: Hi.

[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]

CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?

PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.

[Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.

ROSS: What happened?

JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.

ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.

PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.

ROSS: What?

["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]

[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]

VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.

RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]

VAN DAMME: Goodbye.

MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]

RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]

MONICA: OK.

VAN DAMME{s:1:tongue}erhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .

MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.

VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.

MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.

RACHEL: Impressive.

MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.

MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.

[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]

ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.

[Marcel is driven off in a limo]

PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?

CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that?

PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
END

多云有时晴

214 The One With the Prom Video

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?

JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope.

CHANDLER: What's this?

JOEY: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.

CHANDLER: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?

JOEY: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man.

CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.

JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box]

CHANDLER: Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don't know what to say.

JOEY: Heh, what d'ya say?

CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet.

JOEY: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out.

CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud.

JOEY: Put it on.

CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer]

JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer] You put this on, you're good to go. [puts the bracelet on Chandler] Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet.

CHANDLER: I so am.

JOEY: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?

CHANDLER: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is interviewing for a job]

INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good.

MONICA: Great.

INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job?

MONICA: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing.

INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad.

MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like.

INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine.

MONICA: You got it.

INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it.

MONICA: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.

INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?

MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.

INTERVIEWER: Don't, I like it dirty.

MONICA: That's your call.

INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to do next?

MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.

INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm?

MONICA: They'r alright.

INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?

MONICA: No really, they're OK.

INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real nice?

MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.

INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh.

MONICA: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting at the couch. Ross is sitting at the table and answers the phone.]

ROSS: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?

PHOEBE: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.

ROSS: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.

ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.

PHOEBE: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.

ROSS: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?

PHOEBE: Because she's your lobster.

CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.

PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .

[Monica enters from bathroom after taking a shower]

CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin' better?

MONICA: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me.

PHOEBE: So, do you have any other possibilities?

MONICA: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent.

ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money.

MONICA: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.

ROSS: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them.

CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]

PHOEBE: What is that sparkly thing?

CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.

ROSS: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella.

MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica answers the door and lets her parents in. They are carrying boxes.]

MONICA: Hi.

MR. GELLER: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Hi darling.

MONICA: So, what's this.

MR. GELLER: Some of your old stuff.

MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym.

MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room?

MR. GELLER: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them.

MONICA: Oh, God forbid.

[Rachel enters with a laundry basket]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, hi Rachel.

RACHEL: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear.

RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see.

MR. GELLER: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii.

RACHEL: What, what incident?

MR. GELLER: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold. [shuffles her into her room]

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is looking at Chandler.]

PHOEBE: Do you want a refill?

CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks.

PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.

CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.

GAIL: I'm Gail.

CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet]

GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you.

CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap.

PHOEBE: It's not that bad.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]

PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler.

CHANDLER: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out without saying anything] That's actually good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a man at the counter. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the couches.]

ROSS: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a waitress not a geisha.

PHOEBE: I think she's OK.

ROSS: [Rachel, laughing, puts a hand on the guy's shoulder] Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do something. [walks up in the middle of their conversation] Excuse me, are you Rachel?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow.

RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'?

ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids.

MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care.

ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves] You're welcome.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I was saving you.

RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me?

ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . .

RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save.

ROSS: But, you are.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster.

RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again?

ROSS: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing?

PHOEBE: Do the claws again.

ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us?

RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK.

ROSS: No, but. . .

RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it.

ROSS: Well, but, but. . .

RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that.

ROSS: E-except, except that what?

RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that.

ROSS: Oh.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]

CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad.

JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so.

CHANDLER: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?

JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?

CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]

JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]

CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . [Joey returns to his room]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV, Monica is sitting at the table]

MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.

ROSS: Hey guys.

MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him?

ROSS: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today.

MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers return to watching TV and Ross goes over to Monica]

MONICA: Where have you been?

ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet?

MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet.

ROSS: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news.

MONICA: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it.

MRS. GELLER: Why?

MONICA: Because they made me.

MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What're you gonna do?

MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?

MONICA and ROSS: In the bank.

MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her ear]

MONICA: Anything larger back there?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: I can't believe it.

PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.

CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]

RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and startles Chandler] Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found? [holds up Chandler's bracelet]

PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.

CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: How come you have two?

CHANDLER: Well this one's for you.

JOEY: Get out.

CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.

JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.

CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen. Ross is filling out a check]

ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like.

MONICA: You have dinosaur checks?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that?

MONICA: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful.

PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this?

MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.

CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.

JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica, what's on this video tape?

MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in.

ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose]

RACHEL: Oh my God.

JOEY: What is with your nose?

RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.

CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.

MONICA: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this.

ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.

MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.

MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen]

MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is.

JOEY: Some girl ate Monica.

MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

MONICA: Oh, you look so great.

RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug]

MONICA: Oops.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you.

RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress.

MR. GELLER: Everybody smile.

MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off.

MR. GELLER: It is off.

MONICA: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light?

MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache]

JOEY: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.

ROSS: You look pretty tonight.

RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer?

ROSS: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music.

RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . .

ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings]

RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here.

ROSS: this summer?

CHANDLER: Work on your music?

[Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing 'Axel-F']

RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik.

MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.

RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet?

ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel]

MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob.

RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late.

MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.

ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass.

MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.

ROSS: Doubtful.

MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son.

MR. GELLER: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux.

ROSS: Dad, she won't want to go with me.

MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a college man.

ROSS: I don't know.

MR. GELLER: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out?

RACHEL: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh.

ROSS: OK. Hold my board.

MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles upstairs to change]

ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off.

ALL: No, no, no.

ROSS: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.

MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go.

MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.

MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em.

ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.

MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]

RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?

MR. GELLER{s:1:tongue}ress the button.

MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack.

MR. GELLER: The button, the button.

MONICA: I can't believe you did that.

ROSS: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

PHOEBE: See, he's her lobster.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is watching the rest of the tape]

MRS. GELLER: Dance with him.

MONICA: Mom, I'm hungry.

MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father.

MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.

MONICA: Alright.

[the tape cuts to Monica's parents under the covers]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack.

MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.

BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh.

[Monica is visibly upset]
END

多云有时晴

215 The One Where Rachel and Ross... You Know

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.]

JOEY: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.

CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.

JOEY: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes to see two black leather recliners and a big screen TV]

CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.

JOEY: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.

CHANDLER: Congratulations!

JOEY: I know.

CHANDLER: Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.

JOEY: Uh-huh.

CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine?

JOEY: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not that one.

CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.

JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.

CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrest lever] Do we dare?

JOEY: We dare.

BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]

PHOEBE: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.

CHANDLER: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.

ROSS: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size.

ALL: Woah!

MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ALL: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey you.

ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the TV.]

CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]

RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day?

ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.

RACHEL: Really? Mine too.

PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too.

ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.

RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves]

ROSS: Bye guys.

ALL: Bye.

MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV] Tonight?

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]

MONICA: What's tonight?

RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first date.

MONICA: Uh, hello.

RACHEL: Hi.

MONICA: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you?

RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date.

MONICA: Yes but my mom got me this job.

PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.

RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.

MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.

PHOEBE: I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]

PHOEBE: It's James Bond.

MONICA: Sorry we're late.

DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.

MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.

DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.

MONICA: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight.

DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe just giggles when they shake] So, how ya been?

MONICA: I've been great, just great. How have you been? [tilting her head]

DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.

MONICA: The head tilt?

DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya doin'? You OK?'

MONICA: I'm sorry.

DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. [demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' [bobs head] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change.

MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh, that's too bad.

DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I'll survive.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.]

CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.

JOEY: What if we have to pee?

CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.]

MONICA: You've got to get back out there, it's your party.

DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.

MONICA: You're an opthamologist.

DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.

PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party] That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.

DR. BURKE: See.

MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.

DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needs glasses? [everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: You are so smitten.

MONICA: I am not.

PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.

MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.

PHOEBE: So. You two are totally into each other.

MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.

PHOEBE: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?

MONICA: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.

PHOEBE: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked?

MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are returning from a movie.]

RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.

ROSS: I told you there was going to be sub-titles.

RACHEL: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on my first date.

[They start kissing.]

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name.

RACHEL: Honey, I'm just checking.

ROSS: Oh.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

[Since they're alone they start kissing and Ross's hands work their way down until they're on Rachel's butt. Rachel starts laughing.]

ROSS: What, what.

RACHEL: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry.

ROSS: And that's, that's funny why?

RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing.

ROSS: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha big.

RACHEL: OK. [start kissing again and Rachel starts lauging again]

ROSS: OK, my hands were no where near your butt.

RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.

ROSS: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious.
RACHEL: Just one cheek.

ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.

RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.

ROSS: That's romantic.

RACHEL: C'mon touch it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Rub it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]

JOEY: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.

CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]

[Ross enters]

JOEY: Hi.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

JOEY: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel?

ROSS: That was 14 hours ago.

CHANDLER: So how'd it go?

ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?

CHANDLER: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.

JOEY: She laughed at you?

ROSS: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?

CHANDLER: It's the Miracle Wax.

JOEY: It certainly is a miracle.

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . .

CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.

[Rachel and Ross go out in the hall]

RACHEL: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you.

ROSS: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u. . . how?

RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.

ROSS: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.

[there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it]

RACHEL: What's this.

CHANDLER: Could you get us a couple of beers?

[Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monica is there for her eye appointment.]

DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes now.

MONICA: Really.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.

MONICA: Good, they feel good, in my head.

DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya.

MONICA: You too.

DR. BURKE: You too.

MONICA: OK, um. Goodbye.

DR. BURKE: Drops!

MONICA: What?

DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they're free.

MONICA: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.

DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.

MONICA: Thanks again.

[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full on kiss]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the TV.]

PHOEBE: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah.

PHOEBE: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.

JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad.

PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH.

CHANDLER: She's one of us now.

[Rachel and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ROSS: Hey.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey.

ROSS: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Goodnight.

ROSS: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads.

RACHEL: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt.

JOEY: [uses a dentist mirror to see] Naa, she's lyin'.

[Monica enters carrying food that's been delivered]

MONICA: Stop sending food to our apartment.

ROSS: Well, why're you all dressed up?

PHOEBE: You're not the only one who has a date tonight.

ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with?

MONICA: No one.

ROSS: C'mon, what's his name?

MONICA: Nothing.

ROSS: Come on, tell me.

MONICA: Alright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.

ROSS: Oh, I promise, what.

MONICA: It's Richard Burke.

ROSS: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.

MONICA: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.

ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy?

RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh God, absolutely.

ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It's the museum again, can I, oh.

RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.

MONICA: When?

RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose]

PHOEBE: Oh you are so lucky.

RACHEL: I know.

ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.

CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.]

ROSS: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner.

RACHEL: It's OK, it's fine.

ROSS: KARL!

[Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the loincloth of one of the display models.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He's showing her the pictures in his wallet.]

MONICA: Wow, is that Michelle?

DR. BURKE: Yep.

MONICA: I've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.

DR. BURKE: Ya know, she's having another baby.

MONICA: I thought she just had one.

DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .

MONICA: Oh, you're a grandpa.

DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here?

MONICA: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.

DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.

MONICA: Yeah.

DR. BURKE: So.

MONICA: So maybe we should just. . .

DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe.

MONICA: Wow, this really sucks.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into a passionate kiss]

MONICA: Well, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we?

DR. BURKE: No, no, there's no rush or anything.

[knock at the door]

DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery.

MONICA: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross enters the display where Rachel is waiting.]

ROSS: Rach.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: I'm done.

RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's.

ROSS: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else.

RACHEL: No, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night?

ROSS: No, no, we won't.

RACHEL: We won't?

ROSS: [grabs a fur pelt] C'mon.

RACHEL: OK, that's dead right?

[Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.]

RACHEL: What is this? What are we doing?

ROSS: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?

RACHEL: Grape.

ROSS: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now, sit. OK. [he starts the music system]

RACHEL: Oh, God.

[The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago. . .'. Ross gets up and changes it to music.]

ROSS: Sorry.

RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at?

ROSS: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.

RACHEL: Really?
ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.

RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss]

ROSS: You're not laughing.

RACHEL: This time it's not so funny.

[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.]

RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.

ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.]

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.

ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.]

[they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off]

JOEY: Is that the fire alarm?

CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time.

JOEY: Cool.
END

多云有时晴

216 One Where Joey Moves Out

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]

JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?

CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.

[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]

CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.

JOEY: Yeah, so.

CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?

JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.

CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.

JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.

JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?

JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.

PHOEBE: Ahh.

RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready when you are.

PHOEBE: Okey-doke.

MONICA: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.

CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?

RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him.

JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.

CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

JOEY: So where you gettin' it?

PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters]

ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder?

PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.

ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Rachel] Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool?

ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?

MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.

CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?

MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there.

JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?

MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them.

MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.

ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'

[Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday party.]

ROSS: Alright, shall we?

MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door] We're here.

MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.

MONICA: Happy birthday dad.

MR. GELLER: Oh thank you.

ROSS: Hi ma.

RICHARD: Happy birthday.

MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?

ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.

[Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the cake.]

FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?

MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.

FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place]

MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.

MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.

MONICA: Are we still on that?

MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.

FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her breasts]

[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]

JOEY: Can you believe this place?

CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.

JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.

CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey.

JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?

JOEY: Huh?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.

JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.

CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.]

MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us.

FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20.

RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.

MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.

ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that.

MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?

RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?

MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.

RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.

MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .

ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.]

PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?

RACHEL: Well I. . .

PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.

TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.

PHOEBE: Here we go.

RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You're not going?

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?

RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.

PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?

RACHEL: What's 1922?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?

RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .

PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?

RACHEL: No.

PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!!

RACHEL: You?

PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.]

RICHARD: How ya doin'?

MONICA: I'm a twinkie.

RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero.

MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.

RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.

MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.

RICHARD: My parents are dead.

MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean.

RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.

MONICA: Alright.

RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.

MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support.

[Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.]

MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.

MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?

MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.

MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.

MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.

MRS. GELLER: Really.

MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.

MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?

MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.

MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop.

MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.]

JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.

CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.

JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.

CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.

JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.

CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.

CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well that's how I feel.

CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well then maybe I will.

CHANDLER: Fine with me.

JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.]

MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen?

MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake.

ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK?

MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.

ROSS: Eww.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in the kitchen.]

MONICA: Hey there.

RICHARD: What?

MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you.

RICHARD: Humm, really?

[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter]

MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?

RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of.

MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call?

RICHARD: That - that's an idea.

MONICA: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone.

MRS. GELLER: Oh?

RICHARD: Oh?

ROSS: Ohh.

MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?

ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal?

MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man?

MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor.

MRS. GELLER: A real doctor?

MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard]

MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I

MONICA: Mom, it's OK.

RICHARD: It is Judy.

MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!

MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it.

ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat]

MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.

MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.

MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.

MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie?

RICHARD: She's not a twinkie.

MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . .

MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship.

MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.

RICHARD: Really?

MONICA: Yes.

MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?

MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier.

MR. GELLER: When did I say that?

MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.

[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.]

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.]

PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.

RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.

PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.

RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.

RACHEL: You didn't get it?

PHOEBE: No.

RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.

PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?

RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . .

CHANDLER: Yeah me too.

JOEY: I know. Yeah.

CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .

JOEY: No, we're alright.

CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]

JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great.

CHANDLER: Lick away my man.

JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.

CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?

JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about.

CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight.

JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.

CHANDLER: Well, there you go.

JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.

CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.

JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?

CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.

JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.

CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.

JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.

CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.]

MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?

RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.

[Rachel and Phoebe enter]

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.

RACHEL: Is Ross here?

MONICA: No he went out to get pizza.

RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo]

MONICA: That's great.

RICHARD: Very tasteful.

PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.

PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows her bare shoulder]

RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?

PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo.

RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.

PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.

RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Ross returns]

ROSS: You got a tattoo?

RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.

ROSS: Lemme see. [looks]

RACHEL: Well?

ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?

RACHEL: I guess.

ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to Rachel's room]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]

JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.

CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey scores]

JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.

CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole gang is helping Joey pack.]

JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here.

PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.

MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.

RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?

JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street.

CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember.

ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.

[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]

CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?

JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.

CHANDLER: Thanks.

JOEY: So, I guess this is it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.

[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]


JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.

JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

[Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.]

CLOSING CREDITS
END

多云有时晴

217 The One Where Eddie Moves In

[Scene: Joey's new apartment. Everyone but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the place with tons of tacky stuff.]

JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.

ROSS: Get out.

ALL: No.

MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...

JOEY: Art.

MONICA: Art it is.

ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.

RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.

JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge.

JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come?

ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.

JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it.

PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?

JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending] Heh?

RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.

JOEY: No no no, behind it.

ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here?

JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here.

MONICA: Joey, promise me something.

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: Never call me from that phone.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are seated. Rachel is walking over with coffee and a piece of pie.]

[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a guy's hood that's seated at the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.]

RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.

CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.

PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.

ALL: OK.

PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.

ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]

PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.

ALL: [celebrating more]

PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.

[everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not]

PHOEBE: I'm done now.

ALL: [celebrating]

[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]

RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.

ROSS: Get the what?

RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.

[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves]

GUY: What're you doing?

ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who's in the bathroom.]

MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.

ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.

[Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]

MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.

RACHEL: What's goin' on?

MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .

RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now.

MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!

RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.

ROSS: [comes out] All yours.

MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

MONICA: Shut up.

ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.

MONICA: Cut it out.

ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.

[Monica goes in the bathroom]

RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you more.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers]

CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

[Joey's apartment, phone rings]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.

JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.

CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.

JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'

CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.

JOEY: Oh, well great.

CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.

JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?

CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time for...

BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]

JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?

CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.

JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Blepe.

CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?

JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'

CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]

MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.

JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back?

JOEY: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad.

MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting between Rachel and Ross.]

ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.

CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.

ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.

RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.

CHANDLER: But...

ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore.

[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting ready to record Smelly Cat.]

PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?

PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you.

PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.

PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross is on the phone.]

ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?

MONICA: I was.

ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna. [back on with Tony] Hi.

MONICA: Did she leave a number?

ROSS: Did you see me write one down?

MONICA: I don't have her number, butt-munch.

ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.

MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.

ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back?

MONICA: You wanna get out of my face?

ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [gets first line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.

MONICA: Give me that.

ROSS: OK.

MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing oranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace?

JOEY: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?

CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.

EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.

EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.

JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?

EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.

JOEY: Wow.

CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.

JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room?

CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.

JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat] I'll uh, I'll see you guys.

CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?

EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what?

JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

MONICA: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?

ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.

RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.

[Pheobe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat the video.

ALL: [cheer]

PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in] OK.

[The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe]

PHOEBE: Oh my God.

ROSS: I know.

PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.

RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?

PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey stops by. Chandler is reading the paper and Eddie is fixing eggs.]

EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?

JOEY: Eddie.

CHANDLER: Morning.

JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not there] Where's the mail?

CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.

JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table any more?

CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.

EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?

CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.

JOEY: Huh.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.

CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.

EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.

CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]

JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?

CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.

JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.

CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there.

JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.

CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?

JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.

JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Monica are fighting over the remote.]

MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.

ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.

RACHEL: Would you guys stop.

MONICA: It's my TV.

ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.

MONICA: Bite me.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.

MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.

RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom]

MONICA: OK, what're we gonna do about this?

ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight.

MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.

ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.

MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all the time.

ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.

MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?

ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.

MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.

ROSS: You hated me when we were kids?

MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.

ROSS: Why did you hate me?

MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.

ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you?

MONICA: Duh-huh!

ROSS: I can't believe you hated me.

MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.

ROSS: Really?

MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

ROSS: I can do that.

MONICA: Then I won't have to kill you.

ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight?

MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?

ROSS: What?

MONICA: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.

ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.]

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.

ALL: No.

PHOEBE: Yes.

RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?

PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.

MONICA: So what're you gonna do?

PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who would do this.

MONICA: Sure.

PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.

ROSS: What woman?

PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.

RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?

PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?

EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.

CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.

EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?

CHANDLER: You don't like that show?

EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.

CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.

EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.

CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man.

[Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to.]

[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]

[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]

[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly Cat.]

PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.

ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.

PHOEBE: Monica.

MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet.

PHOEBE: Chandler.

CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their favorite pet.

MONICA: Joey.

JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses.

PHOEBE: Rachel.

RACHEL: [sings] And you're no friend to those with noses.

PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.
END

多云有时晴

218 The One Where Dr. Remore Dies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.]

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR. REMORE: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?

MONICA: We, we just wanna see the end.

AMBER: I want you Drake.

DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.

AMBER: What?

DR. REMORE: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother.

[Everyone gasps. The show ends.]

RACHEL: So what happens next?

JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.

CHANDLER: God that is good TV.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.]

CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee.

PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.

CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.

PHOEBE: Why don't you play with your roommate?

CHANDLER: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.

PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?

CHANDLER: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.

PHOEBE: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?

CHANDLER: We don't need to remedy that.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door]

EDDIE: What was that?

PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.

EDDIE: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.

PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.

CHANDLER: That was so lame.

PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves]

CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]

EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?

CHANDLER: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.

EDDIE: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...

CHANDLER: Well it's not Sean Penn.

EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.]

PHOEBE: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night.

RICHARD{s:1:tongue}hoebe's got another job, right?

RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs.

PHOEBE: I know.

ROSS: Well, we should probably get going.

RICHARD: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring.

MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.

RICHARD: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.

MONICA: Well, maybe you don't need them.

ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.

PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.

RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.

PHOEBE: Ok.

RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.

MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.

RACHEL: Phoebe's dead.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.]

TILLY: Hi.

CHANDLER: Hi.

TILLY: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.

CHANDLER: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?

TILLY: Thanks.

CHANDLER: Oh, oh, c'mon in.

TILLY: I'm Tilly.

CHANDLER: Oh.

TILLY: I gather by that oh that he told you about me.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

TILLY: He's kind of intense huh?

CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...

EDDIE: [walks around corner] A little what?

CHANDLER: Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie.

EDDIE: Hello Tilly.

TILLY: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.

EDDIE: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful.

TILLY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.

EDDIE: Bye-bye.

CHANDLER: Bye.

[Tilly leaves]

CHANDLER: So, we gettin' a fish?

EDDIE: You had sex with her didn't you?

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]

JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.

PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.

JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42.

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.

JOEY: Ooh, I look good.

PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?

JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'

PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?

JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?

[Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is working on a script for Days of Our Lives.]

WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered.]

JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?

DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.

JOEY: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son.

DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you sign this?

JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signing that.

DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.

JOEY: How can they do this to me?

DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.]

MONICA: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.

RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.

ROSS: G'night.

RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.

MONICA: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.

RICHARD: Two.

MONICA: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?

RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.

MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom]

RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.

MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

[Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.

ROSS: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?

RACHEL: Uhhhooo.

ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.

RACHEL: Well, there's you.

ROSS: Better not be doin' these in order.

RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.

ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.

RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.

CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.

EDDIE: Where's Buddy?

CHANDLER: Buddy?

EDDIE: My fish, Buddy.

CHANDLER: There was no fish when she dropped it off.

EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?

CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.]

RICHARD: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?

MONICA: Well yeah.

RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.

MONICA: You really ok with it?

RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine.

MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.

RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?

MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small number.

RICHARD: Right, and...

MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?

RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.

MONICA: But you've only slept with two people.

RICHARD: Right.

MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.

RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed]

[Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.

ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.

RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...

ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.

ROSS: Knock-knock.

RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.

ROSS: Until now. [jumps on Rachel on the bed]

[later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up]

RACHEL: Oh, hi.

MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.

RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great.

MONICA: I know. I just can't find...

RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.

MONICA: You need one too?

RACHEL: Ooooh yeah.

[they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left]

MONICA: There's only one.

RICHARD: Monica.

MONICA: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door]

ROSS: [comes out of the bedroom] Rachel. [growls then sees Richard standing there] Hey.

RICHARD: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.

ROSS: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?

RICHARD: No.

ROSS: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?

RICHARD: I have a little comb.

ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that?

RICHARD: A moustache comb.

RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.

MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.

RACHEL: Agghhh.

ROSS: So were you in Nam?

RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors?

MONICA: Yeah.

RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]

RACHEL: Yeesss.

MONICA: Fine, go have sex.

RICHARD: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.

ROSS: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...

RACHEL: Honey.

ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into her room]

RICHARD: Shall we?

MONICA: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.

RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.]

CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.

MONICA: Why?

CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.

PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?

CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.

RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the TV]

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet.

RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright.

CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.

RACHEL: Oh good.

DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.

DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess.

INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat.

DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?

DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.

DR. REMORE: Oh, ok. Alright.

AMGER: I love you Drake.

DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.

AMBER: Drake, look out.

DR. REMORE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

MONICA: Did they just kill off Joey?

ROSS: No. [sound of Dr. Remore's body hitting the bottom of the shaft] Now maybe.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.]

ROSS: C'mon.

RACHEL: Joey.

ROSS: Open up. We want to talk to you.

JOEY: I don't feel like talkin.

RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you.

CHANDLER: We're worried about you.

MONICA: And some of us really have to pee.

[Joey opens the door]

MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom]

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.

CHANDLER: We came over as soon as we saw.

ROSS: How could you not tell us?

JOEY: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.

RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.

JOEY: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.

PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.

JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

PHOEBE: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.

MONICA: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.

CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You know that?

JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.

CHANDLER: I'm sorry man.

RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.

JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.]

CHANDLER: Uhhhaahh.

EDDIE{s:1:tongue}ecan sandy, just made em.

CHANDLER: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins?

EDDIE: Uh, sure, why not.

CHANDLER: [throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?

EDDIE: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you.

CHANDLER: [looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.

EDDIE: What's you point man?

CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight.

ROSS: Oh man.

RICHARD: Let's never speak of this.

ROSS: You got it.
END

多云有时晴

219 The One Where Eddie Won't Go


[Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?

EDDIE: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.

CHANDLER: Why?

EDDIE: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.

CHANDLER: I can't sleep now.

EDDIE: You want me to sing?

CHANDLER: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.

EDDIE: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man.

CHANDLER: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.

EDDIE: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh?

CHANDLER: I didn't realize that.

EDDIE: Yeah.

CHANDLER: GET OUT NOW!!

EDDIE: Ok, you really want me out?

CHANDLER: Yes please.

EDDIE: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out.

CHANDLER: I want you out.

EDDIE: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.

CHANDLER: Where did you hear it from before?

EDDIE: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.

[Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths "Thank you" to himself]

EDDIE: I heard that.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there, Joey enters wearing an old looking hat.]

JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh?

JOEY: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you know what I don't have?

MONICA: A mirror?

JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.

MONICA: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood.

JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache.

MONICA: Cache? Jaunty?

JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book?

MONICA: Oh my God, it was incredible.

PHOEBE: Didn't it like totally speak to you?

RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this?

MONICA: Rachel you have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered.

PHOEBE: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it.

RACHEL: Men just take out wind?

PHOEBE: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.

RACHEL: Wow.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit.

MONICA: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except for Richard.

PHOEBE: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal your wind.

MONICA: No.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause he's yummy.

MONICA: Yes. But all the other ones.

PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.

JOEY: Anybody want a croan.

PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.Joey is there.]

ESTELLE: Don't worry about it already. Things happen.

JOEY: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?

ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

JOEY: No, can we get back to me?

ESTELLE: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World.

JOEY: Alright. Cab driver number two?

ESTELLE: You're welcome.

JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?

ESTELLE: Things change, roll with em.

JOEY: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.

ESTELLE: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.

JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Rachel has just finished reading the book.]

RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so.

MONICA: Isn't it.

RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'.

PHOEBE: I don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you.

ROSS: Hey you guys.

MONICA: Hey.

ROSS: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.

RACHEL: NO!

ROSS: No?

RACHEL: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table?

ROSS: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.

RACHEL: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.

MONICA: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I?

ROSS: Excuse me, your, your, your wind?

RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

ROSS: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that.

RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: Um-um, um-um.

RACHEL: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.]

JOEY: What is it?

ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.

JOEY: See, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh.

ROSS: What, what's that?

JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good.

ROSS: Open it, open in.

JOEY: Oh my God.

ROSS: Woah.

JOEY: Look at this, how did I spend so much money?

ROSS: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount due, that's your total due.

JOEY: Ahh.

ROSS: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari?

JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

ROSS: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on Another World.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: That audition.

JOEY: That's a two line part.

ROSS: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.

JOEY: So what.

ROSS: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.

JOEY: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic.

ROSS: Toilet paper?

JOEY: Yeah.

ROSS: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic.

JOEY: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend.

ROSS: I am your friend.

JOEY: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come along, I know it.'

ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.

JOEY: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe.

ROSS: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another.

JOEY: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now.

ROSS: Huh, I'm just saying...

JOEY: Well don't just say.

ROSS: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go.

JOEY: Ok.

ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok.

JOEY: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there?

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from behind the bar.]

EDDIE: Hey pal.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here?

EDDIE: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic!

CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?

EDDIE: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one.

CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?

EDDIE: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!

CHANDLER: Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...

EDDIE: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?

CHANDLER: Your last roommate's kidney?

EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar to order.]

JOEY: Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go.

GUNTHER: Lemonade? You ok man?

JOEY: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.

GUNTHER: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?

JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft.

GUNTHER: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.

JOEY: What?

GUNTHER: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is sleeping on the couch. Monica walks by and starts watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Daaahhhh!

MONICA: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!

CHANDLER: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.

MONICA: I wa-

CHANDLER: Uuuh.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is returning from Monica and Rachel's with his bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his dehydrator and loads of fruit.]

EDDIE: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.

CHANDLER: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

EDDIE: What?

CHANDLER: You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!

EDDIE: You, you want, you want me to move out?

CHANDLER: Uh-huh.

EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?

CHANDLER: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.

EDDIE: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the door and after a pause comes back in] But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack!

CHANDLER: You want some help.

EDDIE: No help required Chico. [reaches into the tank and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket]

[Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.]

JOEY: All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks.

CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.

JOEY: What?

CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars.

JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.

CASTING GUY: That's great.

JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.

CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in.

JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets up and leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the coffee table.]

PHOEBE: Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.

MONICA: And I would have to say pah-huh.

PHOEBE: What?

MONICA: Do you not remember the puppet guy?

RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.

MONICA: And his puppet too.

PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.

MONICA: Who?

PHOEBE: Paul.

MONICA: Oh.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.

MONICA: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29.

RACHEL: Not uh, not to my recollection.

MONICA: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.

RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up half the circle.

PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.

RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.

MONICA: One hour? You are such a leaf blower.

[Monica goes into her room and slams the door. Rachel does the same. Phoebe, without a door to slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.]

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers take all his stuff away.]

JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose.

ROSS: [enters] Oh my God, what's goin' on?

JOEY: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were right.

ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.

JOEY: Thanks Ross.

ROSS: Yeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition.

JOEY: I went.

ROSS: Great, how did it go?

JOEY: I didn't get it.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: You're livin' the dream.

JOEY: Huh?

ROSS: All right then.

JOEY: [movers removing a glass parrot] Oh, not my parrot.

ROSS: What?

JOEY: I can't watch this.

ROSS: [approaching the mover holding the parrot] Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird?

MOVER: 1200.

ROSS: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird?

JOEY: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register.

ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?

MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain greyhound]

ROSS: Huh.

MOVER: Yeah.

ROSS: I'll take it. My gift to you man.

JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.]

RACHEL: Here are your cakes.

MONICA: We didn't order cake.

RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other.

MONICA: You're right.

RACHEL: You know.

PHOEBE: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again.

RACHEL: Thank you. So are we good?

MONICA: We're good.

RACHEL: We're good?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck.

CHANDLER: [enters] Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

MONICA: Are you sure this time?

CHANDLER: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!

EDDIE: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.

MONICA: There is no alley behind Macy's.

EDDIE: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal?

CHANDLER: Our next cocktail party?

EDDIE: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick.

CHANDLER: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.

CHANDLER: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh, yes.

CHANDLER: So what happened?

EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.

CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses.

MONICA: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money?

EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?

MONICA: Nice.

EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.

PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting to really like him?

[Scene: Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's apartment. Eddie walks up.]

[Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.]

CHANDLER: May I help you?

EDDIE: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?

EDDIE: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.

CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.

EDDIE: No he, he moved out and I moved in.

CHANDLER: Well I, I think we'd remember something like that.

JOEY: I know I would.

EDDIE: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry.

JOEY: Hey no problem.

CHANDLER: See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?

JOEY: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is...

CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around]

JOEY: A little foos?

CHANDLER: Absolutely.

JOEY: What happened to the foosball?

CHANDLER: Ah that's a cantelope.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelain dog from Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear in a rather interesting position.]

CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?

JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it.

CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?

JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.

CHANDLER: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.
END

多云有时晴

220 The One Where Old Yeller Dies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel tearfully watching TV.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Watcha guys doin?

RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.

PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What're you talkin' about?

PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.

ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end?

PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?

RACHEL: That's not the end.

PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.

MONICA: What about the part where he has rabies?

PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.

RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.

PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. [hear the gunshot from the TV]
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard is on the balcony smoking and Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

[Chandler and Joey come sprinting in]

JOEY: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.

MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.

CHANDLER: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question.

MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'

MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey, why don't you ask Richard?

JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?

RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric.

RICHARD: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks out to the balcony]

MONICA: I meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? What?

JOEY: I don't know.

MONICA: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh.

CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.

MONICA: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag. [walks off]

JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?

CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough.

JOEY: [Monica walks back in the kitchen] Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.

CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]

ROSS: [smells Ben's butt] No no, you're fine, you're fine.

CAROL: [enters with Susan] Hello

ROSS: Hi.

SUSAN: Hey.

CAROL: Hi honey.

ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.

CAROL: What?

SUSAN: What?

ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it.

CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week.

SUSAN: You can watch our tape if you want.

ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?

CAROL: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen.

ROSS: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like-

CAROL and SUSAN: Great. That would be fine.

ROSS: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared.

SUSAN: Oh shout, that would have been fun.

ROSS: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there. Phoebe enters carrying video tapes.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there?

PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment.

MONICA: Wow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.

[Chandler and Joey enter]

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?

JOEY: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.

MONICA: So'd you guys have fun?

CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool.

MONICA: Really?

CHANDLER: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.

RACHEL: Wow, he must like you the best.

JOEY: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. [With money in his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar].

CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back].

JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler

CHANDLER: I think they get it.

JOEY: Ok.

[Richard enters]

CHANDLER: There's the man.

JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes the dollar]

RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.

JOEY: Ok. He kept my dollar.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben.]

MONICA: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?

CAROL: Uh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg.

SUSAN: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there.

ROSS: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg.

CAROL: Think I better go before mommy starts weeping.

ROSS: Buy mommy.

CAROL and SUSAN: We love you. Buy.

ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Look. [they look at Joey in the kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a spatula] Joey, do you know we can see you from here?

JOEY: How come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me?

ROSS: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula.

MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard.

JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.

[Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache]

ROSS: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.

CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know.

MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache?

JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.

ROSS: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine.

CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.

MONICA: You're meeting Richard?

JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.

CHANDLER: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?

MONICA: Well, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys.

CHANDLER: You hear that? We're the guys.

JOEY: We're the guys.

MONICA: With that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?

ROSS: Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.]

ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try.

RACHEL: No luck huh?

ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and holds him at arms length]

ROSS: What're you doing?

RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben.

ROSS: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb.

RACHEL: Ok.

ROSS: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football.

RACHEL: This is how I would hold a football.

ROSS: Ok, here, here. There we go.

RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one.

ROSS: It's alright, it's no big deal.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: You think about stuff like that?

ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.

RACHEL: Two, two babies?

ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.

RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen?

ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great.

RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what.

ROSS: Huh?

RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this [hands back Ben] and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.

MONICA: So you watched the movies huh?

PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.

RICHARD: Charlotte who?

PHOEBE: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud.

MONICA: Alright, you wanna feel better?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

MONICA: Ok, here, watch this.

PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this.

MONICA: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in.

PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.

RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?

PHOEBE: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it will resotre all your faith in humanity.

CHANDLER: [runs in] Hey, big guy, game time.

RICHARD: Hey, be right there.

MONICA: There's a game?

CHANDLER: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.

RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs.

MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.

RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'

MONICA: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks.

RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.

MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.

RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it.

MONICA: Ok, then just go.

RICHARD: Ok. [leaves]

MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.

PHOEBE: Sure.

MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?

PHOEBE: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.

RACHEL: [enters] Aghh.

PHOEBE: Me too. [leaves]

MONICA: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys.

RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century.

MONICA: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles.

ROSS: [enters] Ok, what the hell happened back there?

RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.

ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.

RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.

ROSS: C'mon, what, you never think about our future?

RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be.

ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.

RACHEL: What was the book?

ROSS: The big book of childrens' names.

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that.

ROSS: Ok fine.

RACHEL: Thank you.

ROSS: We're not done.

RACHEL: I didn't know that.

ROSS: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that.

RACHEL: Fine, I will.

ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well I love you too.

ROSS: Well that's the first time we've said that.

RACHEL: Yes it is.

ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.

RACHEL: Well you better.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen, Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.

MONICA: Did you like it?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.

MONICA: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?

PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at foosball.]

CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.

RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?

JOEY: Man you are incredible.

RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.

CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.

RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

MONICA: [enters] Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.

RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.

MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's side and scores] Score! Now can we go?

CHANDLER: See, that's why we don't let her play.

RICHARD: Is everything all right?

MONICA: Um-hmm.

RICHARD: Uh-oh.

CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.

JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.

RICHARD: Well.

JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Chandler starts kicking him below the table] I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here.

RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?

JOEY: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: No.

JOEY: Nooooo.

CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah.

CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.

RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.

MONICA: Nighty-nite.

CHANDLER: You're not a dad. You're not a dad.

JOEY: Not a dad.

CHANDLER: I can't believe you got us into trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back]

MONICA: [her and Richard return to her place] So are you ok?

RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.

MONICA: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.

RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em.

MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel is changing Ben's diaper under Ross's supervision.]

ROSS: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.

RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter.

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] Hello.

CAROL: It's us.

ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room]

RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.

BEN: Hi.

RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.

ROSS: Wha, what?

RACHEL: Ben just said hi.

ROSS: What, the word hi?

RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi.

ROSS: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything.

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him.

CAROL and SUSAN: Hello.

RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.

CAROL: What did he say?

ROSS: Something about hi.

SUSAN: That's so exciting.

CAROL: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.

RACHEL: You know, actually it's more like, hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

SUSAN: Ok, this could go on for a while.

CAROL: We've got a cab waiting downstairs.

ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him.

CAROL: Tuesday.

ROSS: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.

RACHEL: Take care.

ROSS: Bye Ben.

BEN: Bye.

RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me.

SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.

CAROL: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting.

ROSS: Alright, alright, ok. Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.]

ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.

PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]

ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.

PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
END