看Friends学英语-Season Two

多云有时晴

看Friends学英语-Season Two

多云有时晴

201 The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montague of scenes from Ross and Rachel.]
PHOEBE: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene, The Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman.]
RACHEL: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.)
ROSS: Rache!
RACHEL: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)
ROSS: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: You're bleeding.
RACHEL: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. I wanna hear everything! (Looks at Julie)
ROSS: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.
RACHEL: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak English.) Welcome to our country.
JULIE: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.) Thank you. I'm from New York.
RACHEL: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.]
CHANDLER:  No way!
MONICA: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross!
PHOEBE: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?
JOEY: Um, this?
PHOEBE: Yes.
MONICA: Guys, you got your hair cut.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.
PHOEBE: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.
RACHEL: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.
CHANDLER: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.
RACHEL: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slowpokes!
ROSS: That's all right, Rache, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler.  Phoebe.  Joey, what up?  
JOEY: What up?!
ROSS: Everyone, this is Julie.
RACHEL: (out of breath) Julie.
ALL: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!
JULIE: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
ROSS: And bus.
JULIE: Oh my god.
ROSS:  The screaming guy?
JULIE:  And the spitting?
ROSS: You gotta hear this story.
JULIE: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...
ROSS: At least.
JULIE:  ...and this guy--
RACHEL: And the chicken poops in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.
MONICA: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?
JULIE: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.
ROSS: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.
RACHEL: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
MONICA: It's an expression.
ROSS: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
JULIE: And then we've gotta get some sleep.
ROSS: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
CHANDLER: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.
(Ross and Julie exit)
RACHEL: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.]
ROSS: Hey, Rache, can I get some coffee?
RACHEL: Yeah, sure.
ROSS: Thank you.
CHANDLER: Hey, Rache, can I get--
RACHEL: Did you talk to him?
CHANDLER: Not yet.
RACHEL: Then, no.
(He goes to sit down next to Ross.)
CHANDLER: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.
ROSS: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?
CHANDLER: God?
ROSS: It was you, pal.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it was God, doing me.
ROSS: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.
CHANDLER: Well, you owe me one, big guy.
RACHEL: Here's your lemonade.
ROSS: I didn't order lemonade.
RACHEL: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that.
ROSS: But--
RACHEL: Go go go go, come on! (to Chandler) So then, well, what did you find out?
CHANDLER: He said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever.
RACHEL: How is that the silver lining?
CHANDLER: You have to really wanna see it.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching TV.]
ROSS: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.
[cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]
MONICA: Phoebes, you know what I'm thinking?
PHOEBE: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?
MONICA: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.
PHOEBE: All right, so what were you thinking?
MONICA: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?
PHOEBE: Ohh! No.
MONICA: Why not?
PHOEBE: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.
MONICA: No you're not.
PHOEBE: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.
(The phone rings.)
JOEY: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws him the phone.)
ROSS: (on phone) Hello? Hi.
CHANDLER: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?
JOEY: Needs some clothes altered?
CHANDLER: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
JOEY: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (still confused) All right, when was 1990?
CHANDLER: You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!
ROSS: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either.
RACHEL: She didn't hang up either!
ROSS: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y--
RACHEL: (taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
ROSS: Rachel! I'll just call her back.
RACHEL: Okay!
ROSS: (calls Julie back) Hi?  Sorry, we got disconnected...
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
MONICA: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.
RACHEL: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here.
CHANDLER: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]
JOEY: You know, I think I was sixteen.
MONICA: Please, just a little bit off the back.
PHOEBE: I'm still on "no".
RACHEL: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
JOEY: No no no no no, (grabs his pants) I'm not fallin' for that again.
PHOEBE: What's goin' on?
RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.
CHANDLER: What stupid thing did you do?
PAOLO: Bon giorno tutti!
PHOEBE: Ewww!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's continued from earlier.]
RACHEL: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye.
MONICA: Rachel, how did this happen?
RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.
PHOEBE: Where?
RACHEL: At his apartment. Is this juice?
JOEY: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?
RACHEL: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser.
MONICA: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.
CHANDLER: People do stupid things when they're upset.
MONICA: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't--but this is about your horrible mistake.
ROSS: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were--well, there was touching.
PAOLO: Hey, hey Ross.
ROSS: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?
PAOLO: I do Raquel.
ROSS: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.
RACHEL: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
ROSS: No, not a problem.
RACHEL: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem.
PHOEBE: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.
CHANDLER: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.
JOEY: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.
CHANDLER: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?
MONICA: You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
PHOEBE: All right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.
MONICA: I promise.
PHOEBE: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her haircut.]
PHOEBE: All right, that's it, I quit.
MONICA: What? I didn't say anything.
PHOEBE: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.
MONICA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.
PHOEBE: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
MONICA: How who wears it?
PHOEBE: Demi Moore.
MONICA: Demi Moore is not a he.
PHOEBE: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.
MONICA: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh my god!
MONICA: Oh my god!
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?
MONICA: She's the actress who was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost.
PHOEBE: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
MONICA: I KNOW!
[Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants altered.]
FRANKIE: How long do you want the cuffs?
CHANDLER: At least as long as I have the pants.
FRANKIE: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam.
(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
RACHEL: How is she?
PHOEBE: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.
ROSS: How's the hair?
PHOEBE: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
JOEY: Can we see her?
PHOEBE: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, you come on in. (They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)
JOEY: How're you doing?
RACHEL: I'm ok.
JOEY: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.
RACHEL: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.
JOEY: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.
RACHEL: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?
JOEY: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.
RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know.
JOEY: Look, Rache, Rache, I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.
CHANDLER: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man!
JOEY: Frankie? What're you talking about?
ROSS: (entering from teh bedroom) Hey, what's goin' on?
CHANDLER: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
ROSS: What?
JOEY: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
CHANDLER: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite--
ROSS: what?
CHANDLER: Cupping.
JOEY: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?
JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day.  Monica is now out and about.]
MONICA: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.
ROSS: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten.
MONICA: Thank you. My hair is very amused.
CHANDLER: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.
PHOEBE: Thank you.
ROSS: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rache.
RACHEL: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving?
ROSS: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"
RACHEL: Well, can I talk to you for a sec?
ROSS: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony)
JOEY: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...
CHANDLER: That's ok.
[Out on the balcony]
ROSS: What's goin' on?
RACHEL: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, what? (Ross laughs)
ROSS: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?
RACHEL: No. No-no-no-no.
ROSS: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all?
RACHEL: No, I think that was the whole all.
[Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.]
JOEY: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe.]
JULIE: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andy McDowell's new haircut?
PHOEBE: You wanna do it right now?
JULIE: Great! (Julie leaves)
PHOEBE: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
RACHEL: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
RACHEL: You're welcome.
END

多云有时晴

202 The One With the Breast Milk
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
MONICA: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?
SUSAN: Oh, is he hungry already?
CAROL: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)
CHANDLER: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)
JOEY: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.
ROSS: (following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing?
CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?
ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.
JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.
ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.
(They go back into the living room)
CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
CAROL: Sure.
JOEY: Uh, does it hurt?
CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore.
JOEY: Chandler?
CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it?
CAROL: As much as he needs.
JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.]
JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left?
RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones.
JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one?
ALL: No thanks.
JULIE: Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)
RACHEL: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch.
JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?
PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.
MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you.
JULIE: Great.
ROSS: (enters) Hi, honey.
CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums.
ROSS: Hello to the rest.
ALL:  Hi!
JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel?
MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?
CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.
MONICA: But I'm--
PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?
MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.
ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.
MONICA: You're welcome.
PHOEBE: Woof, woof.
[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle.
ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy?
JOEY: Who?
ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.
JOEY: What's he doin' in my section?
ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know.
JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'?
TODD: Mornin'.
JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory.
TODD: Your territory, huh?
JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men?
GUY: No thanks.
TODD: Hombre?
GUY: Yeah. All right.
TODD: You were saying?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.]
MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.
PHOEBE: What?
MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch.
PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have?
MONICA: You had a salad.
PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
RACHEL: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.
PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.
RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.
RACHEL: You went shopping for fur?
PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.
RACHEL: You bought boobs?
PHOEBE: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.
[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.
ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.
TODD: Ready, Annabelle?
ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time?
JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]
CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.
ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.
SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.
RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute.
SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him.
ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever.
MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye.
RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew?
MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.
PHOEBE: Ben, dinner!
ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.
PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok.
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what?
ROSS: It's breast milk.
PHOEBE: So?
RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.
JOEY: What is the big deal?
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?
PHOEBE: You won't even taste it?
ROSS: No!
PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?
ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.
MONICA: Hey, where is everybody?
RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?
MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.
RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?
MONICA: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.
RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket
MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.
RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?
MONICA: Judy.
RACHEL: Who?
MONICA: Julie.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Jody.
RACHEL: You were with Julie?
MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.
RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god.
MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.
RACHEL: Yeah, right.
MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out.
RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught.
MONICA: That is not true!
RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?
MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?
RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now.
MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it's not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve.
CAROL: How did we do?
PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.
ROSS: I did not freak out.
CAROL: Why'd you freak out?
ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.
CAROL: My breast milk is gross?
SUSAN: This should be fun.
ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults.
CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.
CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it.
ROSS: That would be no.
PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.
JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh--
SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice.
JOEY: Exactly.
ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it.
SUSAN: Uh huh.
ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it.
SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.
ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel.
CHANDLER: Howdy.
JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.
JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?
JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right.
CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.
JOEY: I'm gonna do it.
CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
MONICA: I don't know what else to say.
RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.
MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?
RACHEL: Yes.
MONICA: It's that terrible?
RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you.
MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.
RACHEL: I love you too.
PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that.
MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?
RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that.
MONICA: I'd do anything for you.
PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait!
JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'.
TODD: I heard ya.
STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready?
TODD: Ready.
JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready.
CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing!
STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?
TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
ANNABELLE: My god, what happened?
JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?
ANNABELLE: Sure.
JULIE: So.
RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.
RACHEL: Really? Me?
JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.
RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid.
JULIE: Oy.
RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.
JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?
RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.
JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later.
RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative bitch.
END

多云有时晴

203 The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies
CHANDLER: Hey.
MONICA: So how was Joan?
CHANDLER: I broke up with her.
CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge.
CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.
MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?
JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
CHANDLER: You or me?
ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right?
ALL: Yeah.
JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."
PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla.
ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.
(knock)
MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles.
MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again.
MONICA: We're not doing anything.
MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
RACHEL: You don't have birds.
MR. HECKLES: I could have birds.
MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.
MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.
RACHEL: All right, bye-bye.
CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
ROSS: We'll give you Janice.
PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing."
RACHEL: "Oh, my, god."
JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"
MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.
RACHEL: We won. We won!
MONICA: Mr. Heckles.
RACHEL: How did this happen?
MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.
MONICA: That's terrible.
MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin'. You never know.
MR. TREEGER: You never know.
PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
JOEY: Such as?
PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?
ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?
PHOEBE: Nah. Not really.
ROSS: You don't believe in evolution?
PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?
PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
(knock)
CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.
MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.
MONICA: What can we do for you?
MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".
MONICA: Well, what about his family?
MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any.
RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money.
MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.
MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!
RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap?
CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap
JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?
ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution?
PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.
PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it?
ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.
PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that.
ROSS: Well, there you go.
PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."
JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.
CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.
RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.
RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.
MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.
RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff?
MONICA: You don't have any stuff.
RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
MONICA: No.
RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
MONICA: Mmmmm.
RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.
ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
ROSS: Please tell me you're joking.
PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--
PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears?
JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.
CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal.
PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute.
JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school.
CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles?
JOEY: That's what it says.
CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?
PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive.
CHANDLER: Whoa!
JOEY: What?
CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.
CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?
JOEY: Have you been here all night?
CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.
CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.
JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.
CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?
JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.
CHANDLER: How do you know that? How?
JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.
CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?
JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?
CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand.
JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?
CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.
JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.
CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me.
JANICE: Oh, my, god.
PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice?
CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
ROSS: You remember Janice, right?
CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
JANICE: Helloo!!
CHANDLER: Oh, my, god!
JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.
JANICE: Hey, it's everybody.
CHANDLER: Janice, you're--
JANICE: Yes, I am.
CHANDLER: Is it--?
JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.
CHANDLER: Congratulations.
JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?
JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.
MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Hide the Lamp.
RACHEL: Monica, let it go.
MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?
RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.
ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.
PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved.
ROSS: What?
PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat.
MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.
RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?
MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!
PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.
RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
RACHEL: Ok, you win.
MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.
CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.
PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?
CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!
MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.
CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.
RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.
MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy.
RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.
MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.
CHANDLER: In a bad way?
MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.
RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.
PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
MONICA: You made it!
PHOEBE: You're there!
RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment!
CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that.
RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?
MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.
RACHEL: Thank you.
MONICA: That's fine.
CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.
JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?
CHANDLER: I'll take that.
JOEY: You want his yearbook?
CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.
MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell.
RACHEL: It's really not that big!
CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh?
JOEY: Oh, yeah.
ROSS: You comin'?
CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.
ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"?
CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!)
END

多云有时晴

204 The One With Phoebe's Husband

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is on the phone.]

RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open you guys.

[a stranger enters with flowers]

STRANGER: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you?

STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?

RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.

STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar]

RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away]

STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that?

OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The whole gang is there.]

JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.

MONICA: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.

MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

ROSS: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.

PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.

MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

ALL: Huuh.

MONICA: Well, didn't you?

PHOEBE: I might have.

MONICA: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.

MONICA: What have I not told you?

PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.

RACHEL: What!

MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish] You are dead meat.

CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret.

MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.

PHOEBE: You have a third nipple?

CHANDLER: You bitch.

ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.

CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.

RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.

ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.

ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.

CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.

ALL: Huuh.

CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.

ROSS: You were in a porno?

JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

MONICA: That is wild.

ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's it shaped like?

PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

JOEY: What happens if you flick it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]

ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?

CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.

CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?

ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?

RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.

MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.

RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it.

[Phoebe enters all dressed up]

ALL: Woah.

JOEY: Foxy lady.

JULIE: Where you goin'?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.

JOEY: The Ice Capades?

CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.

MONICA: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again.

PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.

ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?

CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .

[Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.]

ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.

JULIE: See you later Rach.

RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves]

[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.]

RACHEL: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

[Ross kicks her again]

RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.

ROSS: Hey?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'?

RACHEL: Sure.

ROSS: Naa.

RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me.

ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?

RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex?

ROSS: Technically, huh, no.

RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?

ROSS: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .

RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.

ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.

RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think it's sexy.

ROSS: Sexy?

RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.

ROSS: No kidding?

RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'd wait.

ROSS: You'd wait?

RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working.

ROSS: Women really want this?

RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself]

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Duncan's dressing room.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Phoebe!

PHOEBE: Ta-da.

DUNCAN: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you look great.

PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you.

DUNCAN: Thanks.

PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.

DUNCAN: You always said I'd make it.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo.

DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I'm gonna get changed.

PHOEBE: OK.

DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs.

PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole.

DUNCAN: What?

PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, ha ha ha.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.]

ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her]

[Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice.]

CHANDLER: Uh, Julie.

JULIE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.

ROSS: Hi everyone.

ALL: Hi.

ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.

RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?

ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.

RACHEL: What did, what did he say?

ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .

[Scene: Ross's apartment. After dinner. Chandler enters.]

CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.

ROSS: Pop it in.

JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in]

RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.

ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex?

RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.

MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey.

[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music]

JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.

CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job.

ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray.

CHANDLER: Nice work my friend.

JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters.]

PHOEBE: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.

DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.

PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come?

DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again.

PHOEBE: What?

DUNCAN: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.

PHOEBE: Huuh.

DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I.

PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.

DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.

PHOEBE: So how long have you known?

DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.

PHOEBE: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?

DUNCAN: Her name's Debra.

PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?

DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.

PHOEBE: Sure.

DUNCAN: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.

PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'

DUNCAN: I'm, I'm still me.

PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom.]

MONICA: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.

JULIE: That saves us a conversation.

CHANDLER: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.

JOEY: Me too, we should get goin'.

RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.

MONICA: Rachel, that's all we do.

RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie?

JULIE: What about Julie?

RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.

JULIE: Well, that could take a while.

RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?

CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie.

JOEY: I got time.

MONICA: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? [Rachel gives her a look from hell] That's fine.

RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like?

JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . .

RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.]

PHOEBE: So, um, have you told your parents?

DUNCAN: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . .

PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better.

DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and kiss]

PHOEBE: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie is telling her live story.]

JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.

RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?

JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.

RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?

CHANDLER: I'm goin' home.

RACHEL: What?

[Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit]

JOEY: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh?

ROSS: Goodnight.

RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. . .

ROSS: Oh, no no, I am.

RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?

ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.

RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce?

ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens.

RAHCEL: OK, gook luck.

ROSS: Wha, uhh, what?

RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.

ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous.

RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off.

ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.

RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry.

ROSS: What, it's not your fault.

RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.

ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.

RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.

ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes back in apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, God.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]

ROSS: Good morning.

OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last night.

ROSS: Twice.
END

多云有时晴

205 The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant
[Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]
ROSS: Man, I sure miss Julie.
CHANDLER: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. (phone rings)
ROSS: You ever figure out what that thing's for?
CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned.
(MACHINE--JOEY'S VOICE): Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?
CHANDLER: What?
JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked.
CHANDLER: Bob here.
CHANDLER: (on phone) What've you been up to?
JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
CHANDLER: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (to Ross) I love her.
ROSS: I know.
CHANDLER: I'm back.
JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what?
CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?
JADE: Great, I'll see you then.
CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.
ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, you're not Bob."
CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil.
CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.
(At Monica and Rachel's)
ROSS: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico.
ALL: Hi, Julie!
RACHEL: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie.
CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20?
CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.
JOEY: Do we need a cake?
CHANDLER: Look guys, I know it's a little steep.
RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh!
CHANDLER: But it's Ross.
PHOEBE: It's Ross.
JOEY: All right.
CHANDLER: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.
ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?
CHANDLER: You know, I think I might just.
RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?
JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?
RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?
JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.
JOEY: For Ross.
RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross.
MONICA: (enters) Oh my god.
RACHEL: Hey.
JOEY: Hi.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.
JOEY: If it's not you, this is a horrible story.
MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.
JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebe and Rachel) How much do you think I can get for my kidney? (at Central Perk)
ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.
CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.
ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.
CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.
ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman the truth.
CHANDLER: All right.
ROSS: Go.
CHANDLER: Hi.
JADE: Hi.
CHANDLER: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.
JADE: Yes?
CHANDLER: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
JADE: How did you--?
CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
JADE: Thanks.
CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.
(At Somplace Nice)
ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef--
MONICA: Who is also in charge of purchasing.
ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing--
MONICA: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister--
MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
JOEY: Cool.
PHOEBE: Let's see!
ROSS: That's fine, I'll just wait!
MONICA: Oh, sorry.
JOEY: Sorry, sorry.
ROSS: Monica!
(glasses clinking)
WAITER: Are we ready to order?
RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.
WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.
PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices.
RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.
JOEY: What are these, like famous chickens?
CHANDLER: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
ROSS: Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
CHANDLER: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.
ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
WAITER: Do I dare ask?
MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me.
WAITER: And for the gentleman?
JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?
RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad.
WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?
RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?
WAITER: And for you?
PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.
CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.
WAITER: Anything else?
CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?
ROSS: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.
RACHEL: Um, everyone?
ROSS: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.
JOEY: Thank you.
ROSS: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay.
MONICA: Oh, thank you!
ROSS: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.
PHOEBE: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just...
ROSS: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big deal.
PHOEBE: Not for you.
MONICA: All right, what's goin' on?
RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable.
PHOEBE: Fine. All right, fine.
JOEY: Yeah.
CHANDLER: You can tell us.
ROSS: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.
JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money as you.
MONICA: Ok.
ROSS: I hear ya.
CHANDLER: We can talk about that.
PHOEBE: Well, then...Let's.
ROSS: I, I just never think of money as an issue.
RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it.
ROSS: That's a good point.
CHANDLER: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?
JOEY: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.
ROSS: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative--there's gonna be a hoopla?
RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.
MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.
ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?
CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio.
PHOEBE: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.
ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together.
MONICA: All of us.
CHANDLER: Together.
ROSS: Not at the concert.
RACHEL: Ok.
JOEY: Yeah.
RACHEL: Thank you.
JOEY: Thanks.
PHOEBE: Yeah.
CHANDLER: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?
(at Monica and Rachel's)
CHANDLER: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?
MONICA: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.
PHOEBE: Oh, it's like a skit.
MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.
ROSS: Whoo!
PHOEBE: Cool.
MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you.
ROSS: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope?
CHANDLER: By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall.
ROSS: Come on.
CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish!
MONICA: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat.
PHOEBE: So...Thank you.
ROSS: Could you be less enthused?
JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like--
MONICA: Like?
JOEY: Charity.
MONICA: Charity?
ROSS: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.
RACHEL: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big.
PHOEBE: Actually, it makes us feel that big.
ROSS: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys.
CHANDLER: If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.
JOEY: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.
RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.
PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
RACHEL: Me neither.
JOEY: Me too.
MONICA: Guys, we bought the tickets.
PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
CHANDLER: Why did you look at me when you said that?
MONICA: Well, I guess now we can't go.
RACHEL: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together?
MONICA: You know what? You're right.
PHOEBE: Fine.
ROSS: Fine.
JOEY: Fine.
CHANDLER: Fine.
RACHEL: Fine.
MONICA: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then.
ROSS: Chandler!
CHANDLER: Yeah?
ROSS: Geez! Are you ready?
CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.
ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today?
CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
ROSS: Wow.
CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.
(phone rings)
ROSS: Still doing the screening thing?
CHANDLER: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.
MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
CHANDLER: Bob here.
JADE: Oh, hi.
CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, huh?
JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago.
CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he?
JADE: Eh.
CHANDLER: Eh?
JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.
CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so good.
JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy.
ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?
CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.
JADE: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean?
(at the concert)
MONICA: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.
ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.
CHANDLER: So, let's go.
ROSS: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now.
MONICA: You know, the guys are probably having a great time.
(at Monica and Rachel's)
JOEY: Come on you guys, one more time.
PHOEBE: Ok. One.
JOEY: Nooo.
MONICA: That was amazing!
ROSS: Excellent, that was excellent.
CHANDLER: I can't believe the guys missed this.
ROSS: What guys? Oh, yeah.
STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you?
MONICA: Do I know you?
STEVE: You used to be my babysitter.
MONICA: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been?
STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.
MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.
MONICA: Uh, wait, backstage?
STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.
ROSS: Ross.
CHANDLER: Chandler.
STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad?
(at Central Perk)
ROSS: Hey, you guys.
RACHEL: Happy birthday.
ROSS: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night?
RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?
MONICA: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him?
RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?
MONICA: Uh, good.
ROSS: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.
CHANDLER: Yeah, we really missed you guys.
JOEY: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid.
PHOEBE: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey?
MONICA: No, I just, I fell down.
RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?
MONICA: You know, a party, or--
RACHEL: What party?
ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.
JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.
RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey?
MONICA: That would be the work of a Blowfish.
RACHEL: Oh!
PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".
ROSS: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know.
RACHEL: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program?
(Monica's pager goes off)
MONICA: It's work.
CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.
JOEY: And we don't work hard?
MONICA: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page.
CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.
JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back.
CHANDLER: Yes.
RACHEL: Oh!
CHANDLER: No.
MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired.
PHOEBE: Oh.
(Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)
WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12.
JOEY: Let me get that. (to Chandler) You got five bucks?
MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...
(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)
END

多云有时晴

206 The One With the Baby on the Bus
[Scene: At Monica and Rachel's.]

MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he still crying?

ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.

MONICA: Maye it's me.

ROSS: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.

CHANDLER: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.

ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)

MONICA: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)

CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)

JOEY: Cool.

MONICA: He hates me. My nephew hates me.

ROSS: Come on, don't do this.

MONICA: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?

CHANDLER: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat.

(Chandler has a basketball which he is moving closer to, then away from, Monica)

JOEY: Goo, goo, goo, waaah!

MONICA: That is so funny. Let me see that. (throws the ball out the window)

JOEY: Are you ok, Ross?

ROSS: I don't know. What's in this pie?

MONICA: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi--

ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie.

MONICA: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.

ROSS: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.

MONICA: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and--oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh.

MONICA: Oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.

MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up?

ROSS: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.

MONICA: All right, get your coat, we're going to the hospital.

JOEY: Is he gonna be ok?

MONICA: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.

ROSS: You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?

MONICA: Jacket now.

ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.

CHANDLER: We'll watch him.

ROSS: I don't think tho.

JOEY: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?

CHANDLER: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.

ROSS: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.

JOEY: Hat, milk, got it.

ROSS: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro--a thro thro!

JOEY: Consider it done.

CHANDLER: You understood that?

JOEY: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.

CHANDLER: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

(Central Perk)

PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.

RACHEL: Ok.

PHOEBE: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?

RACHEL: What's up?

TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.

RACHEL: But what about Phoebe?

TERRY: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.

TERRY: Uh--

RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?

PHOEBE: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.

(Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben)

CHANDLER: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?

JOEY: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.

CHANDLER: No, I got him.

JOEY: No, seriously.

CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you want him?

CAROLINE: Hello.

BOYS: Hello.

CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie?

CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?

JOEY: You wanna smell him?

CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.

CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing this.

CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.

CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?

(Central Perk)

PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.

RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.

RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.

PHOEBE: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could.

RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.

TERRY: I, I don't know.

RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.

TERRY: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?

RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.

TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.

RACHEL: Done.

PHOEBE: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?

PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?

RACHEL: What?

PHOEBE: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.

RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional.

PHOEBE: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.

RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs.

PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la....

ROSS: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.

DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction.

MONICA: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.

ROSS: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?

MONICA: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.

DOCTOR: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.

ROSS: Tho?

(Monica shakes her head.)

ROSS: Ohhh.

MONICA: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?

ROSS: Ok.

MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!

CHANDLER: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!

JOEY: Hey, hey, look at that talent.

CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.

GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He's just adorable.

CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.

GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guys out doing today?

JOEY: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.

CHANDLER: You done?

JOEY: Yeah.

GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop.

JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too.

GIRL 2: You guys live around here too?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.

CHANDLER: You know it?

JOEY: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?

GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?

CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love us over there.

GIRL 2: Where's your baby?

CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!

CHANDLER: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.

BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!

MONICA: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts.

DOCTOR: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring.

ROSS: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate.

PHOEBE: (singing) ... with the double double double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.

PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?

STEPHANIE: All of them.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?

STEPHANIE: No.

PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face)

CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.

JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again.

RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to--

PHOEBE: (singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!

RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.

STEPHANIE: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary.

PHOEBE: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me!

CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?

TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.

CHANDLER: That's me.

JOEY: I'm him.

CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)

BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!

CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.

JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.

CHANDLER: Ok.

JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.

CHANDLER: Yeah?

JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.

JOEY: Ahh!

CHANDLER: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?

JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?

JOEY: You got a better idea?

CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.

JOEY: Heads.

CHANDLER: Heads it is.

JOEY: Yes! Whew!

CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something.

JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

(on the sidewalk outside Central Perk)

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, hi.

RACHEL: Here. I thought you might be cold.

PHOEBE: Thank you.

RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.

PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.

RACHEL: Do you?

PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!

PHOEBE: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money.

RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat".

PHOEBE: Really? From who?

RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.

KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Here you go.

KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!

(chez Monica and Rachel)

ROSS: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand.

MONICA: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.

ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?

MONICA: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle?

ROSS: Oh.

MONICA: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?

ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?

MONICA: No. But I remember people telling me about it.

ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister.

MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

MONICA: That was you?

ROSS: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.

MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying.

CHANDLER: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying.

(Ben starts crying)

JOEY: Yes! There's still pie.

ROSS: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.

ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?

CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this.

ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here.

CHANDLER: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!

STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

PHOEBE: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat".

STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...

PHOEBE: Better. Yeah.

STEPHANIE: Yeah?

PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: You wanna try it again?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top?

PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?

STEPHANIE: Ok.

PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm.

TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.

PHOEBE: That's too much. Sorry.
END

多云有时晴

207 The One Where Ross Finds Out
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.]

CHAN: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?

RACH: So, how was the party?

CHAN: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?

PHOE: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting.

CHAN: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?

PHOE: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation.

MNCA: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.

CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.

MNCA: Please.

ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.

CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.

PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.]

CHAN: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What?

MNCA: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.

CHAN: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment]

[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]

[Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is doing situps.]

MNCA: C'mon give me five more. Five more.

CHAN: [weakly] No.

MNCA: Five more and I'll flash you.

CHAN: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]

CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.

[Phoebe enters.]

RACH: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?

PHOE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.

JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh?

PHOE: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.

ALL: Sorry Phoebs.

PHOE: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?

JOEY: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.

PHOE: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.

JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay.

PHOE: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.

RACH: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?

PHOE: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.

[Monica enters.]

MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes.

CHAN: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.

PHOE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.

RACH: What? [looks, feigns indifference] C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?

RACH: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.

JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .?

RACH: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.

CHAN: So you really OK about all this?

RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.

[Ross and Julie enter.]

ROSS: Hi guys.

ALL: Hey.

ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?

MNCA: Only if you say his full name.

ROSS: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.

MNCA: Alright.

JOEY: [to Ross] You're getting a cat?

ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.

RACH: Together?

ROSS: Uh huh.

RACH: Both of you?

ROSS: Yep.

RACH: Together.

JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.

RACH: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.

ROSS: Hopefully.

RACH: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave.

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael (MICH).]

MICH: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.

RACH: [distracted] How long do cats live?

MICH: [confused] I'm sorry?

RACH: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?

MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.

RACH: That's just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts drinking]

MICH: Um, cheers.

RACH: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]

MICH: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?

RACH: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.

MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.

RACH: I mean he just started going out with her.

MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?

RACH: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.

MICH: Alright.

RACH: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]

PHOE: So, I figured it out.

JOEY: What?

PHOE: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.

JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."

PHOE: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.

JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.

PHOE: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug]

[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]

[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.]

RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? [belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?

MICH: Fruitflies?

RACH: Yes! Thank you.

[The waiter comes to the table.]

WAITER: So, would you like any dessert?

MICH: No! No dessert, just a check, please.

RACH: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?

MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.

RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?

MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.

RACH: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?

MICH: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."

RACH: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]

GUY: Hang on.

RACH: Hello, excuse me.

GUY: What.

RACH: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.

GUY: I'm talkin'!

RACH: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.

GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her]

RACH: Thank you. OK. [dials] [to Michael] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.

MICH: Good.

RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]
COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.]

CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.

MNCA: Why not?

CHAN: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.

MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.

CHAN: OK, stop.

MNCA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo.

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.]

ROSS: Hey Rach.

RACH: Ahhhh.

ROSS: Oh. And how was the date?

RACH: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . .

[Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.]
ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?

RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.

ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy]

RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?

ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.

RACH: Huh.

ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?

RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.]

ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's Michael?

[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.]
RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.]

ROSS: You're over me?

RACH: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]

ROSS: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?

RACH: Ohh, ohh.

ROSS: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?

RACH: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.

ROSS: You've had feelings for me?

RACH: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.

ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?

RACH: Chandler told me.

ROSS: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?

RACH: When you were in China.

ROSS: China.

RACH: Meeting Julie.

ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?

RACH: Are you over me?

[A moment of silence.]

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.

JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.

ROSS: [perky] I'll be right down.

RACH: Wait, so, you're going?

ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.

RACH: OK, OK.

ROSS: Cat. [leaves]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.]

PHOE: Hey Joey.

JOEY: Hey Phoebs.

PHOE: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?

JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.

PHOE: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.

JOEY: And?

PHOE: And we did.

JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go.

PHOE: Yay me.

JOEY: So, so how did it happen?

PHOE: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.

JOEY: And what did he say?

PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.

JOEY: Wow.

PHOE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.

JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.

PHOE: Um-hum.

JOEY: This man is my God.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.]

RACH: Hi.

ROSS: I didn't get a cat.

RACH: Oh, that's um, interesting.

ROSS: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.

RACH: Alright, I got it Ross.

ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.

RACH: [hurt] What?

ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.

RACH: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?

ROSS: Then you should have said something before I met her.

RACH: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.

ROSS: There was never a good time.

RACH: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.

ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.

RACH: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point?

ROSS: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.

RACH: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?

ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.

RACH: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.

ROSS: Fine.

RACH: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

ROSS: Good.

RACH: Good. [Ross leaves]
[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.]
RACH: And ya know what, now I've got closure.

[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.]

ROSS: Try the bottom one.

[She opens the door and they kiss.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.]

CLOSING CREDITS

CHAN: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over.

MNCA: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.

CHAN: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.

MNCA: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?

CHAN: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.

MNCA: Well, thanks.

CHAN: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.

MNCA: Well, you know.

CHAN: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.

MNCA: [sad] Uh-huh.

CHAN: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.

MNCA: Well no, but um.

CHAN: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.

MNCA: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .

CHAN: So, you feel like goin' for a run?

MNCA: Alright.

CHAN: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.

MNCA: OK. Just for a little while.

CHAN: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room]
END

多云有时晴

208 The One With the List
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.]
RACH: Ross kissed me.
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
RACH: It was unbelievable!
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
RACH: Oh, it ended very well.
PHOE: Oh.
MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without me. Do not start without me.
PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?
RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.
PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh.
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]
ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
JOEY: Tongue?
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: Cool.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new computer.]
CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.
PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?
MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef?
JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs his fingers together]
[Ross enters, distraught.]
ROSS: Hi.
PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?
ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful
MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.
ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?
JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?
MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.
ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... [Rachel enters, carrying a tray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.
RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you.
ROSS: How are you?
RACH: Good. How are you?
ROSS: Good.
[Julie enters.]
JULIE: Hi, honey.
ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?
JULIE: Good.
ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe?
PHOE: Oh, well, actually.
ROSS: [impatient] Play it.
PHOE: Ok, all right.
JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.
JULIE: What?
ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh.
PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night".
[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.]
PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is there about a job.]
RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo.
MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.
RTST: Mockolate.
MNCA: I'm sorry?
RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.
MNCA: Ohh.
[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]
RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.
[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]
RTST: Yeah?
MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.
RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.
MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.
RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
MNCA: Wow.
RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that?
MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.
RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?
MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.
RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?
MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.
RTST: Really?
MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]
MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?
PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.
MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?
PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?
MNCA: We'll put buckles on it.
[Rachel enters.]
RACH: Hey.
PHOE: Hey.
MNCA: Hey.
RACH: Did uh, Ross call?
MNCA: No, I'm sorry.
RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."
PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]
CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.
JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.
[Ross gives him an insulted look.]
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?
CHAN: No, Amish boy.
JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.
ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
JOEY: You could say that.
ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
ROSS: I don't know.
JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.]
MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.
[Rachel takes a bite.]
RACH: Oh my god.
MNCA: Oh my god good?
RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.
[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]
PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer hotline.]
CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?
[Ross enters with a melancholy look.]
JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?
ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.
CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his father?
[Rachel enters.]
RACH: Hey, do you guys have...[sees Ross, pauses]...hi.
ROSS: Hi.
RACH: [sees his coat on] Where you goin'?
ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.
RACH: [dejected] Oh.
ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing.
RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think?
[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.]
ROSS: Well, uh.
JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.
RACH: Really?
ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rach.
[Ross and Rachel hug.]
RACH: Oh, god.
JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh.
RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.
ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?
RACH: Let me get my coat.
ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.
[Ross leaves.]
RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. [notices Chandler's computer screen] What's that?
CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing.
[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]
RACH: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it?
CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to run] Hey, it's printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it's printing!
[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]
RACH: Well what is it? Let me see.
[Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.]
ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?
RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.
ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is] He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing?
CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.
RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.
CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No!
RACH: Come on.
JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?
[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.]
CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.
RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.
ROSS: No, you don't.
RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.]
RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this?
CHAN: Good luck.
[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]
ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?
RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?
ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.
RACH: Just a waitress?
ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?
RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!
[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]
ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.
[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]
ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel?
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]
CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.
MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.
PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.
JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.
PHOE: What?
MNCA: What?
CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.
MNCA: This was your idea?
PHOE: What were you thinking?
CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.
MNCA: Yeah. You!
CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]
ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!
RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.
ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list.
RACH: Not interested.
[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.]
ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.
[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]
ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.
JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?
ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?
JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do.
[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]
CHAN: What are you doing out there?
ROSS: I am, uh, I am...
MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?
[Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.]
ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance.
[Rachel opens the door.]
RACH: No.
ROSS: No?
RACH: That's what I said.
CHAN: Look, maybe we should go?
RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.
ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel.
RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.
RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don't go!
ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.
RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.
[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.]
JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little longer.
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.
RTST: Doesn't matter.
MNCA: What?
RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.
MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some.
RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]
(phone rings)
MNCA: Hello?
[Ross is at his apartment.]
ROSS: Hi.
RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.
MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.
ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?
MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to Rachel] Music?
[Monica turns on the radio.]
RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You plays)
[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]
RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.
MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.
RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?
MNCA: Cat hair.
RTST: Oh, sorry.
END

多云有时晴

209 The One With Phoebe's Dad

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.

[Chandler and Joey enter.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?

CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.

MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.

CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.

JOEY: You gave him cookies?

MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that.

PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.

CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?

PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.

ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?

RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.

[There's a bang at the door.]

MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.

[Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.

JOEY: Oh my God.

RACHEL: What?

JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.

[Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]

RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.

MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.

ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.]

JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.

CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.

[Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .

RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?

ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?

GUNTHER: Yeah.

ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: What's in the bag?

ROSS: Um, just some presents.

JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to.

ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.

MONICA: Cute.

ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.

[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]

MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous!

ROSS: Yeah?

MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy.

[Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this?

ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.

PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.

CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.

PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.

RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.

PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.

RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah?

PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.

MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.

PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave]

MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey.

GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .

GANG: Joey!

JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears!

[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.]

GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] Gone.

[Phoebe enters.]

GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.

PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.

PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?

GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.

PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father?

GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.

PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.

GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .

PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.

GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.

PHOEBE: Oh God.

GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.

PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?

GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.

PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?

GRANDMOTHER: Honey.

PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.

GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the real him.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.]

CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.

RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.

CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas?

[Monica and Ross enter.]

MONICA: Hi.

ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?

RACHEL: No, nothin'.

MONICA: I hope she's OK.

JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through.

MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's going through?

JOEY: She told us.

CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?

MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.

ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?

MONICA: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do?

CHANDLER: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?

RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]

MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.

JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.

[Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]
ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me.

RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .

ROSS: C'mon Rachel.

RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.

ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.

RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair]

[Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone]

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up]

[Phoebe's grandmother enters]

GRANDMOTHER: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.

GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going?

PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.

GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.

PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.

GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived.

PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?

GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab.

PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you.

GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]
Commercial
[Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.]

JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?

CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.

JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.

CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.

[Phoebe drives up in the cab]

JOEY: Hey, here she comes.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]

PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.

CHANDLER: Eeeshk.

JOEY: Yeah, big stuff.

PHOEBE: OK, let's go.

CHANDLER: OK.

PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper]

CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.

CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt?

PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler jumps out of the car]

CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!

JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]

ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.

MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.

[Rachel enters from her room]

RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.

MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please?

ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .

MONICA: Ross, the heat!

ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.

RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator?

ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.

MONICA: Well put it back.

ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back.

RACHEL: I'll call the super.

MONICA: Here, let me try.

ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.

MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.

RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.

ROSS: OK, tip the man.

MONICA: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.

ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab pulls up.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab]

CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for.

PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

JOEY: Sure is.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.

CHANDLER: Alright.

JOEY: Good luck Phoebs.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. [she just sits in the cab]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.]

RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.

ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?

MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK.

MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]

RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. Treeger.

MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there was a party.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese!

[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.]
ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything.

MONICA: No, I will not cave.

RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon.

ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas.

[Gives him the cash.]
MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back.

ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now?

MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he's playin' baseball.

ROSS: You mean hardball?

MONICA: Whatever.

RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do?

ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?

MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.

MONICA: So, wait, you really did like my cookies?

MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared.

RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.

MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who is standing under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?

RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya.

RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is running back to the cab.]

PHOEBE: OK.

JOEY: How far'd ya get?

PHOEBE: Mailbox.

CHANDLER: Alright, we're gettin' closer.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

JOEY: Phoebs, what's goin' on?

PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .

JOEY: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy.

PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.

CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock?

PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.

JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today.

PHOEBE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.

JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.

PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.

CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.

JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!

JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?

MONICA: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier.

ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.

PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn't go in.

MONICA: Honey, I'm sorry.

ROSS: Are you OK?

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.

CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]

JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.

CLOSING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]

JOEY: Rach, these are for you.

RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.

JOEY: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.

CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn.

PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?

JOEY: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You guuuyys.

JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.

ROSS: You got me a cola drink?

CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime.

ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.

CHANDLER: And last but not least.

[Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.]
JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure.

[Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]
END