看Friends学英语-Season Four

多云有时晴

410 The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: I’m sorry I’m late, did I miss anything?
Phoebe: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth. (Joey, with an obvious mouth full, nods yes.)
Ross: 15? (Joey nods again) Your personal best! (Ross takes an Oreo and Joey mumbles, no!)
Phoebe: Where were you?
Ross: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate.
(simultaneously)
Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?
Phoebe: Oh, which museum?
Phoebe: (just Phoebe) No, answer his.
Ross: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she’d have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.
Chandler: Were you so late because you were burring this woman?
Ross: No, I’m getting back down ‘cause she lives in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but she’s like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours away.
Chandler: How can she be great if she’s from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke would’ve killed in Albany.
Joey: Done! I did it! Heh, who’s stupid now? (He smiles and has cookie remains all over his teeth.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Chandler: Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) They’re lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.
Phoebe: Umm, that paper’s two weeks old.
Chandler: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can’t believe I missed it.
Rachel: Hey, y’know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it’ll be Valentine’s Day, then my birthday, then bang!—before you know it, they’re lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! (hearing this, Gunther moves in) Y’know, I want a man!! (Gunther leaves depressed) I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a big relationship, y’know, just like a fling would be great.
Chandler: Really?! I didn’t think girls ever just wanted a fling.
Rachel: Well, believe me, it’s been a long time since I’ve been flung.
Joey: Well, I know what I’m giving you for Christmas.
Chandler: Y’know what? There’s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?
Rachel: Yeah! Wait a minute, it’s been a long time that I’ve been single. How come you never offered this before?
Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, I’m-I’m happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.
Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don’t like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?
(Monica enters)
All: Hey!
Phoebe: What’s wrong Mon?
Monica: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off work and I find out that they wrote this (puts on her chef hat) on my chef’s hat. (The hat says ‘Quit, bitch’)
Phoebe: Hey, maybe they meant to write, ‘Quiet, bitch.’
Rachel: Hey, honey! What’s the matter? (Monica shows her, her hat.) Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa!
Monica: I mean I have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me. (Joey laughs and Monica glares at him.)
Joey: Ohhh!
Monica: I mean they’re trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I’ve been waiting for my whole life.
Rachel: Well, wait a minute, you’re the boss! Why don’t you just yell at them? Or, fire them?
Monica: I would love too, but I can’t! I mean I just can’t, you know that I’m not good at confrontation.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who’s boss.
Joey: Hey, Mon! I’m not doing anything, why don’t you fire me?
Monica: That’s a good idea! Wait, do you know how to waiter?
Joey: Good enough to get fired.
Monica: All right, you’re hired!
Joey: Hey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger King commercials?
Chandler: (he glares at him for a while) Yes.
[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is trying to find Rachel a date.]
Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, I’m not asking for me, I’m… I mean… No, I’m-I’m not gay, I’m not asking you out. I’m not-I’m not-I’m not gay!
Drew: I didn’t think you were gay. I do now.
Chandler: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up.
Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship, I’m not looking for any thing serious.
Chandler: Oh, y’know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel.
Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel?
Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
Mike: Oh wow! I’m free for her!
Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didn’t say I wasn’t free!
Mike: Hey, Chandler, why don’t we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow?
Drew: Hold on, y’know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I bring them by your office around uh, five?
Chandler: Oh well, that’s uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure!
Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens.
Chandler: Well, I don’t really know what that is, but let’s!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is working on a new song.]
Phoebe: Hey! You guys, I’m writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it?
Monica, Rachel, and Joey: Yes!
Phoebe: (singing) Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel!
Rachel: Pheebs, that’s great!
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Rachel: But y’know umm, Rachel doesn’t rhyme with draddle.
Phoebe: I know but it’s so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name!
Joey: What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole.
Phoebe: All good, thanks. (to Rachel) Do you maybe have a nickname have like a nickname that’s easier to rhyme?
Monica: Didn’t your dad used to call you Pumpkin?
Rachel: Oh yeah!
Phoebe: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph?
Chandler: (entering) Hello, children!
All: Hey!
Chandler: (to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!
Rachel: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They’re buying me drinks! They’re giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?
Joey: Sure! Where are the seats?
Chandler: Wherever! I’ve got like 20!
Rachel: So, will I like any of these guys?
Chandler: Y’know what, I’m gonna uh, play the field just a little more.
Rachel: Chandler!
Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-K’s to me?
Phoebe: (shocked) You work with robots!!
Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, there’s this one guy, Patrick, I think you’re gonna like him, he’s really nice, he’s funny, he’s a swimmer.
Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmer’s bodies!
Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards.
Rachel: Op, I like credit cards!
Chandler: See, I’m not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?
Rachel: Well, so what does he do?
Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division.
Rachel: Your company has a fine foods division?
Chandler: It’s a big company, I don’t—if you—I…
Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots?
Phoebe: No! No, the robots just work for them.
Monica: (getting up) All right, I’m gonna go to work. Does anybody have a problem with that?
Joey: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that!
Monica: You want a problem? I’ll give you a problem!
Joey: Oh, what are you gonna do? You’re gonna fire me?
Monica: You bet your ass, I’m gonna fire you! Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are there.]
Ross: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date tonight.
Chandler: Oh yeah! With who?
Ross: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I can’t decide between the two of them. Y’know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she’s a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Y’know she’s, well she’s-she’s just as pretty, I guess she’s smart, she’s not fun.
Phoebe: If she’s no fun, why do you want to date her at all?
Ross: Well, I-I want to give her another chance, y’know? She lives so close. And, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that was—if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn’t kidding, she’s not fun, she’s stupid, and kind of a racist.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey, man!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?
Joey: (checks his watch) Damn! (runs out to work)
[Scene: Allesandro’s, Monica is cooking.]
Joey: (entering from the dining room) Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Hey, what happened to your fancy chef’s jacket? (sees there’s a burn spot on it)
Monica: They baked it. I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna call a meeting tonight, I’m gonna fire you tonight.
Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! (He starts patting the burned spot, which just happens to be over her breast.)
Monica: What are you doing?!
Joey: It’s still a tiny bit on fire there.
Monica: Thanks. (Joey’s still patting the burn spot) I think you got it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is there.]
Rachel: (entering) Chandler!! You have the best taste in men!
Chandler: Well, like father, like son.
Rachel: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious.
Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you weren’t looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
Rachel: Well, y'know, possibly. (pause) You didn’t tell him that, though? Right?
Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no.
Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don’t tell the guy that!
Chandler: Why not?! I’d be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get—oh I see.
Rachel: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date—oh, he’s so gonna get the wrong idea.
[Scene: Allesandro’s, Joey is eating some cheese.]
Monica: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese?
Joey: Yeah. Listen uh, I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me Joey. Since I don’t know anyone here, I thought it’d be cool to try out a cool work nickname.
A Waiter: (entering) Hey, dragon! Here’s your tips from Monday and Tuesday. (hands him two envelopes)
Joey: (opening an envelope) There’s like-there’s like 300 bucks in this one!
The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear tight trousers.
Monica: Okay. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight’s specials? Okay, first there is a Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish on a bag—Why is nobody writing these down?
The Waiter: Because we can remember them.
Monica: Because your all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook them like you did the other night?
The Waiter: Well, sure, that too.
Monica: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right here’s the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, (quietly) tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere…
The Waiter: Can’t hear you!
Monica: (louder) A positive atmosphere! But I-I-I have had it up to here. (She holds her hand over her head as an afterthought.) From now on, it is gonna be my way, or the highway! All right? Does anybody have a problem with that?!! (Joey looks at the money he’s holding, and doesn’t speak up.) Hey new guy! I said, does anybody have a problem with that?!
Joey: No ma’am.
The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, it’s Dragon. Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat. (to another waiter) We did the hat right? (The other waiter nods yes.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Allesandro’s, continued from earlier. The other waiters are gone and Monica is confronting Joey about his not speaking up.]
Monica: What the hell happened?!
Joey: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! It’s been a long time since I had… (tries to do the math in his head, but can’t) 327 + 238 dollars!"
Monica: Joey, we had a deal. That-that’s why you’re here! I’ve got to fire you!
Joey: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about this? You don’t fire me, instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and they’ll start listening to all the nice things I’ve been saying about you.
Monica: What kinda things have you been saying?
Joey: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is working on her holiday song, Chandler is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, and Ross is sleeping on the couch.]
Phoebe: (singing) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry…
Chandler: (interrupting) Oh, y’know, y’know what Pheebs?
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: I’m not Jewish, so…
Phoebe: So! Ross doesn’t really decorate his tree with floss, but you don’t hear him complaining do you? God! (Phoebe hits her guitar which wakes up Ross with a start.)
Chandler: Bad dream?
Ross: I wasn’t sleeping.
Chandler: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe’s song about?
Ross: The one with the cat. I gotta go, I’ve got another date.
Phoebe: So, did you pick one yet?
Ross: No, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a different joke than I thought—it wasn’t that funny. So I’m still torn.
Phoebe: Well look, you don’t really like the one from uptown and you’re too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you’re done!
Ross: Y’know, you’re right. Thank you.
Phoebe: Umm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague.
Chandler{s:1:tongue}rague?
Phoebe: There’s sooo much you don’t know.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing living room golf as Rachel enters. Rachel sees this and holds the door open until Chandler is ready to start his swing, when he is, she slams the door shut which causes the club to fly from his hands. He turns around, shocked.]
Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!
Rachel: You idiot!!
Chandler: I’m sure you’re right, but why?
Rachel: You don’t tell a guy that you’re looking for a serious relationship! You don’t tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!
Chandler: Oh, man. I’m sorry, I’m so-so sorry.
Rachel: Y’know, you should never be allowed to talk to people!
Chandler: I know! I know!
Rachel: Oh! See just I’m right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! (She sits down heavily in one of the new chairs)
Chandler: Well, y’know, you’re-you’re gonna meet somebody! You’re a great catch! Y’know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn’t have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)
Rachel: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?
Rachel: No.
Chandler: Oh, it doesn’t matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, y’know what, I’ve got two tickets to tonight’s Rangers game, you wanna come with me?
Rachel: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure.
Chandler: Well, actually it’s a hockey team, so it’s angry Canadians with no teeth.
Rachel: Well that sounds fun too. (They hug.)
(pause)
Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman?
Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!
Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that question.
[Scene: A train to Poughkeepsie, Ross is asleep against the window.]
The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie!
The Woman From Poughkeepsie: (outside Ross’s window) Ross? Ross! (she knocks on the window) Wake up! Ross! (the train starts moving) Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!!
[Scene: Allesandro’s, Monica is cooking.]
Monica: I need more swordfish. (to one of the assistant chefs) Can you get me some more swordfish?
Kitchen Worker: I don’t speak English.
Monica: You did a minute ago!
Kitchen Worker: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya!
Monica: Fine!
(She goes into the freezer to get it herself, and leaves the door open. The waiter from earlier comes by and closes the door.)
Monica: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I’m cold! (She spills something.) And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out! (the door opens)
The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya?
Monica: That’s not funny.
The Waiter: Well that’s not true.
Monica: (starting to cry) I’m a good person. And I’m a good chef, and I don’t deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! Y’know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do is…
Joey: (interrupting) Hey! Chef Geller! Y’know that little speech you made the other day? Well I got a problem with it!
Monica: You do?
Joey: You bet I do! I just ah, wasn’t listening then, that’s all.
Monica: Well if you want a problem? I’ll give you a problem!
Joey: What are you gonna do? You’re gonna fire me?
Monica: You bet your ass I’m gonna fire you! Get out of my kitchen! Get out!! (Joey leaves) All right! Anybody else got a problem? How ‘bout you Chuckles? You think this is funny now?
The Waiter: No.
Monica: How about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh? You think it’s funny now?
The Waiter: No, it’s really good.
Monica: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4, (to the kitchen worker from earlier) And you! Get the swordfish! (to another assistant chef) And you! Get a haircut!
[Scene: The train, it’s pulling into a station.]
The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal.
Ross: (waking up) What? (notices that there is now a beautiful woman sitting next to him)
Woman On Train: I made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I win.
Ross: What?
Woman On Train: We’re at my stop. But would you like to have coffee?
Ross: (now fully awake) Are we really in Montreal?!
Woman On Train: Yes we are. So, coffee?
Ross: Coffee sounds great. (They get up) Wait, so, so you live in Montreal?
Woman On Train: Oh, no. But it’s just a two hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia.
[Scene: Allesandro’s, Joey is coming back in with his coat on.]
Joey: Well I guess I should’ve thought about my wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller!
Monica: Thanks.
Joey: Yep! Looks like it’s gonna be a leeeeean Christmas at the Dragon house this year.
Monica: Enough!
Joey: (leaving) Lean-lean-lean!
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
Phoebe: (singing) "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.
                                Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap.
                                Said all you need is to write them a song.
                                They haven't heard it, so don't try and sing along.
                                No, don't sing along.
                                Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah.
                                Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross.
                                And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
                                And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
Happy holidays, everybody!
END

多云有时晴

411 The One With Phoebe’s Uterus
[Scene: Central Perk, Frank and Alice are there talking with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! I can’t believe my little brother is married!
Frank: Oh I know!! (Both he and Alice squeal hysterically)
Phoebe: You guys, why didn’t you tell me you were eloping?
Frank: ‘Cause it just sorta happened, y’know we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch…
Phoebe: Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?
Frank: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, we’re here, having lunch let’s get married!
Phoebe: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn’t even know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too. (They all hug, and Frank and Alice start kissing.) Okay. Okay. Stop it, don’t. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?
Frank: Uhh, yeah.
Alice: We’ve been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got engaged, we thought we’d get a jump on things, y’know no one’s getting any younger.
Frank: See the thing is umm, we’re not able to y’know, uh, conceive.
Alice: And we’ve tried everything, we’ve seen a bunch of doctors.
Frank: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.
Phoebe: (shocked) That’s a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are trying to throw cards into a vase.]
Joey: (entering with Ross) Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! (He’s wearing a blue blazer) Guess which job I got.
Chandler: I don’t know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
(The gang is stunned.)
Ross: What?
Chandler: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back.
Rachel: But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler: Well, you-you know what I meant.
Monica: No, you messed it up. You’re stupid.
Chandler: So what job did you get Joe?
Joey: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.
Rachel: Well, how can you be a tour guide, don’t you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?
Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information, it’s uh, it’s like memorizing a script. (Making like a tour guide) "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.
Chandler, Monica, and Rachel:  Great!! That’s great!
Ross: Uh actually Joey, it’s the Cretasous period.
Joey: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!!
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married!
All: Oh my God!!
Phoebe: And! And, they’re gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.) And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is stunned into silence.)
Ross: My God!
Monica: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah
Joey: You’re really thinking about having sex with your brother?!
Phoebe: Ewww! And "Oh no!" It’s—they just want me to be the surrogate. It’s her-it’s her egg and her sperm, and I’m-I’m just the oven, it’s totally their bun.
Joey: Huh.
Monica: What did you tell them?
Phoebe: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I’m gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give.
Chandler: You’re gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?
Rachel: Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are things to think about.
Monica: Yeah, like you’re gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant.
Phoebe: I know!
Ross: Pheebs, you’re talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it’s all for somebody else!
Phoebe: Yeah, what’s your point?
Ross: Well, the stuff I just mentioned.
Rachel: Wow! I don’t know if I could ever do that. I always figured the first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a…keeper.
Phoebe: Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture.
Joey: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we’ll be supportive like crazy.
All: Yeah.
Monica: We just want you to think it through.
Rachel: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who’s had a baby. Like your mom?
Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are kissing.]
Kathy: Umm, (moves her hand’s down to his butt) I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with me?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, sure, it’s not mine anyway. It can with the pants.
Kathy: Oh! (They kiss and she leaves)
Monica: I am so jealous.
Rachel: You guys are really right…there aren’t you?
Chandler: Yes. Right where?
Monica: In the beginning where y’know it’s all sex and talking and sex and talking and…
Chandler: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.
Monica: And the sex?
Chandler: All right, we haven’t had sex yet. Okay, what’s the big deal? Y’know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level.
Rachel: Oh, Chandler that is so nice.
Ross: That is really nice…lying! No way is that the reason!
Rachel: Why? Just because you’re not mature enough to understand something like that?!
Chandler: No, he’s right, I’m totally lying.
(Ross makes an "I was right, and you weren’t face." And Rachel does Ross’s little I’m-flicking-you-off-but-I’m-not-giving-you-the-finger banging of the fists.)
Monica: Then what is it?
Chandler: Well, Kathy’s last boyfriend was Joey.
Ross: And you’re afraid you won’t be able to…fill his shoes.
Chandler: No, I’m afraid I won’t be able to make love as well as him.
Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual words.
Monica: So big deal, so Joey’s had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn’t mean he’s great in bed.
Chandler: We share a wall! So either he’s great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.
Monica: Sweetie, with you it’s gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great, ‘cause you-you guys are in love.
Chandler: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: Just go for it Chandler.
Monica: Yeah, you should.
Rachel: Yeah, you should, really.
Monica: Go on.
Chandler: All right, all right, I’ll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I’m just doing it for you guys.
[Scene: The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.]
Joey: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.
Smart Kid: Isn’t the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?
Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave ‘Hi’ to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.") Okay, moving right along. Come on.
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe Sr.’s house, there’s a knock on the door.]
Phoebe Sr: It’s open! Come in!
Phoebe: Hi!
Phoebe Sr: Hi!
Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m late.
Phoebe Sr: Oh, that’s okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.
Phoebe: Wow! You really go all out when you’re expecting company.
Phoebe Sr: No, I was working on my pottery.
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn’t know that you did…pot.
Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.
Phoebe: Ooh, erotiery!
Phoebe Sr: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Y’know…
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe Sr: I really don’t think it’s a very good idea, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Why not?
Phoebe Sr: Well, because you’d be giving up a baby, and I-I really don’t—I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm, (Picks up a puppy in the box next to the couch.)
Phoebe: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don’t-don’t hurt the puppy.
Phoebe Sr: No-no-no, the-the puppy’s yours.
Phoebe: Oh, I get a puppy!!
Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days.
Phoebe: Why?
Phoebe Sr: I realise I don’t have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm, (Sees that Phoebe isn’t paying attention and is busy mimicking the puppy.) uhh… Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it’s very important.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what I’m talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy again, and not listening) I really shouldn’t have given you the puppy first.
Phoebe: All right, I’m sorry.
[Scene: The museum’s worker cafeteria, Joey is eating lunch with the rest of the tour guides. Another tour guide tries to sit down in a seat Joey saved for Ross.]
Joey: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I’m-I’m saving this for my friend Ross.
Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller?
Joey: Doctor? Wow! I didn’t know he had a nickname.
Tour Guide: Oh, he won’t sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, (Points to there table) and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.
Joey: Well, how-how come?
Tour Guide: That’s just the way it is.
Joey: That’s crazy.
Tour Guide: Maybe it’s crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now…(Turns around) Peter! Hey, Peter! It’s me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin’ which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! (to Joey) See, he pretend he don’t even here me!
Joey: I-I think everybody’s pretending they don’t hear you. Anyway, look, I don’t know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I’m telling you, he will sit in it! (Ross enters and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.
Ross: That’s okay, I’m cool over here. I’ll catch up with you later, Joey. (Joey is shocked.)
(Another woman enters without a coat or blazer and tries to sit at the ‘blue’ table.)
Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. (Joey wonders why) Gift shop.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating dinner, Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: (entering) Hey, uh, I’m really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today.
Joey: It’s no big deal. Hey, y’know, you do what you gotta do. Right?
Ross: But hey, it’s not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.
Joey: Whatever.
Ross: It’s like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?
Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.
Joey: Look, Ross, really it’s-it’s no big deal. Y’know you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can’t be friends at work, then so be it. Y’know, hey I understand. Y’know? Hey, when I’m in a play and you’re in the audience, I don’t talk to you, right? So it’s y’know, it’s uh, it’s cool. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Leaves)
Rachel: Yeah, when we’re in the audience he doesn’t talk to us, but he does wave.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is there with her puppy and is trying to sing it to sleep as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden?
Phoebe: Ooh, y’know what, I think it’s time for puppy to go out again. Come on, let’s go to the balcony.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, let’s go to the street. Ooh, listen, don’t go onto the balcony until after I get back. (Leaves)
Monica: (to Chandler) So, did you do it?
Chandler: Yes, yes, we had the sex.
Monica: Uh-oh, it was bad?
Chandler: It was fine, y’know? But she didn’t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I’m all right with it."
Monica: Well, it was the first time. Y’know, there’s not always a lot of agreement the first time.
Rachel: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree (snaps her fingers) like that.
Chandler: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y’know, I know where everything goes, it’s always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody’s killing her in there!"
Monica: All right, I’m gonna show you something a lot of guys don’t know. Rach, give me that pad, please? (She does so and Monica starts drawing on it) All right. Now…
Chandler: Look, you don’t have to draw an actual wo—whoa! She’s hot!
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there’s more than three), five, six, and seven!
Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?!
Rachel: Let me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh, yeah.
Chandler: (Points to one) That’s one?
Monica: It’s kind of an important one!
Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down.
Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could’ve meant.)
Monica: (continuing) Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler: That-that’s bad?
Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7!
Monica: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit ‘em all, and you mix ‘em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.
Rachel: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. (Chandler eyes her and her toes.)
Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)
[Scene: The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating with the tour guides as Ross enters.]
Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, there’s a seat over here. (Motions to an empty chair at the ‘white’ table.)
Ross: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I’m having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I’m having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he’ll sit with me.
Joey: (standing up) I will sit with you Dr. Geller. (He goes over to his table and they shake hands.)
Ross: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y’know what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. (He takes off his coat and throws it down.) I’m Ross! I’m divorced, and I have a kid!
Joey: (stands up, and throws his coat on the floor) I’m Joey! I’m an actor! I don’t know squat about dinosaurs!
Another Tour Guide: (standing up and removing his coat) I’m Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.
Ross: All right, there you go!
Joey: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!
Older Scientist: I’m Andrew, and I didn’t pay for this pear.
Ross: Okay, good-good for you.
Tour Guide: I’m Rhonda, (motions to her breasts) and these aren’t real! (Joey and Ross look at each other, shocked)
Ross: Wow, Rhonda.
Another Scientist: I’m Scott.
Ross: Yeah, okay, Scott!
Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room or my family will die.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: My mom’s gonna be here any minute. I can’t do this, I can’t give him up. Yes—no, I can. I don’t want to. But I can. No.
Rachel: Oo, I can’t watch this, it’s like Sophie’s Choice.
Monica: Y’know, I never saw that.
Rachel: Ooh, it was only okay.
Phoebe: Ooh, I can’t do this. My mom was right. If I can’t-if I can’t give him up, then there’s no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give ‘em—a kidney!
Alice: (entering with Frank) Hi!
Frank: Hi!
Alice: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so…
Frank: Yeah, so we just thought we’d stop by and let you know there’s still no pressure.
Alice: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we’re just gonna be right over there (points to the counter) having coffee.
Phoebe: Okay.
Frank: (noticing the puppy) Oh, who’s this little guy?! (Grabs the puppy)
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Umm!
Frank: Oh, he’s so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour.
Alice: You are so precious, I could just take you home.
Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you?
Frank: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah!
Frank: Oh, thanks.
Monica: What are you doing?
Phoebe: No, I’m really okay with this. Y’know why? ‘Cause look at them, and I made that, so… I know it’s gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, it’s gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. (To Frank and Alice) I wanna carry your baby.
Alice: (shocked) Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don’t know what this means to us! Oh!
Frank: Oh my God, I think I’m gonna cry!
Monica: It’s gonna be so great.
Phoebe Sr: (entering) Hi! What’s going on?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I’m gonna carry their baby.
Phoebe Sr: But Phoebe…
Phoebe: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this.
Phoebe Sr: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it’s just—that was my puppy.
Phoebe: Oh!
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]
Monica: Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone?
Rachel: It depends on who asked.
Monica: What if I asked?
Rachel: Oh, Mon, sure.
Monica: Really?
Rachel: Yes. (Pause) You’re not asking are you?
Monica: No.
Rachel: Yes! Totally!
(Kathy runs in, hair all out of place, and hugs Monica.)
Kathy: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you! (Runs back to Chandler)
END

多云有时晴

412 The One With The Embryos
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s 0-Dark:30, in other words it’s really, really early. Everyone’s asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.]
Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joey’s with Monica in trail.)
Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person.
Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!!
(Chandler opens the door, finally.)
Rachel: What is that noise?
Chandler: You!
Joey: It’s the chick! She’s…going through some changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: Well the vet seems to think that’s she’s becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) We’re getting a second opinion.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s later that morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning?
Rachel: Well, I’ve been up since six. Thanks to somebody’s dumb-ass rooster.
Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn’t be living in an apartment.
Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around…
Phoebe: All right. I’m gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if I’m ready to have Frank and Alice’s embryo transferred into my uterus.
Ross: Now, how will they know if you’re ready?
Phoebe: Oh, they’re just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick.
Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya.
Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick.
All: Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.)
Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck!
Monica: Oh, good luck.
Joey: Good luck. (to Monica) And I’m still right!
Monica: That is sooo not true!
Rachel: What?
Joey: She’s mad because I know today’s her laundry day and that means she’s wearing her old lady underpants.
Chandler: I can check that for ya.
Monica: I just—I can’t believe that you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you.
Chandler: Well… we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers.
Joey: Yeah, what’s that about?
Chandler: (to Rachel) And you… Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel’s bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.
Ross: (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) You’re good. (Tries a cookie.) These are not.
Rachel: I’m so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop.
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag?
Ross: Five.
Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.
Rachel: How many guesses do you get?
Joey: Six.
Ross: Challenge extended.
Monica: Deal!
Ross: Challenge excepted.
Joey: All right, we’ll start with…apples.
Ross: We’ll be starting with apples.
Chandler: (to Ross) Stop that now!
(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)
Chandler: Yes!
Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.
Chandler: Diet soda.
Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. (They’re perfect so far.)
Chandler: Orange juice.
Rachel: No! There’s no orange juice in there! We win!!
Monica: Ha-ha!
Ross: They have another guess.
Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one.
Joey: Okay, the last thing…
Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear.)
Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks.
Chandler: I got it! Scotch… tape. (They’re right.)
Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
Chandler: Well, we used there’s up last night making scary faces.
Monica: Aww, man!
Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it.
Monica: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch.
Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions.
Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks.
Joey: Serious?
Monica: Are you scared?
Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions?
Monica: Ross will do it.
Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" It’s not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own.
Rachel: Fine! We’ll ask Phoebe.
Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play.
[Scene: The Doctor’s office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.]
Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.
Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.
Frank: Well, okay, so what’s now—go get, go get the eggs, put ‘em in there.
Dr. Zane: Okay, it’ll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.
Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?"
Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually.
Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs?
Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach.
Phoebe: That’s it! 25 percent? That means that’s it’s like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!
Frank: Hey, y’know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there?
Alice: Sweety, now, she’s a woman, not a gumball machine.
Phoebe: Okay, well y’know what, don’t worry you guys, ‘cause I’m-I’m gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.
Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot to make it right.
Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we’re kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time.
Phoebe: Whoa!! That—okay, that’s a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is there—is maybe is there something that I can do y’know just to like help make sure I get pregnant?
Dr. Zane: No, I’m sorry.
Phoebe: Wow! You guys really don’t know anything!
Frank: I know! Why don’t you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about to begin.]
Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant?
Joey: Huh.
Rachel: I know! I know, it’s such a huge, life-altering thing.
Joey: I know.
(They all pause and think about it.)
Ross: The test is ready.
All: Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living room, all excited.)
Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It’s All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time.
All: Oh yeah!
(Ross flips the coin again.)
Rachel: Tails!
Ross: It’s heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category.
Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves.
Ross: What is Monica’s biggest pet peeve?
Joey: Animals dressed as humans.
Ross: That’s correct. Ladies?
Monica: Same category?
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?!
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body!
Ross: Gentlemen, you’re pick.
Joey: It’s All Relative.
Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother!
Joey: (to Chandler) Nana?
Chandler: She has a real name.
Joey: (answering the question) Althea!
Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?!
Joey: I took a shot.
Chandler: Are you sure it was Althea?!
Ross: Althea is correct.
Chandler: Nice shooting!
(Ross motions for the girls to pick.)
Rachel: We’ll take Literature!!
Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing!
Monica: No!!
Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong.
Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head!
Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chinandolor Bong.
[Scene: The Doctor’s office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish containing the embryos.]
Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I’m-I’m Phoebe Buffay, hi! I’m-I’m-I’m hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that we’re doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you’ve been there! Umm, y’know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that I’ll keep you safe and warm until you’re ready to have them take you home, so… Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I’m screaming, don’t worry, that’s what’s supposed to happen.
Dr. Zane: Ready?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.]
Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category.
Rachel: (shouting) It’s All Relative!!
Ross: You don’t have to shout everything.
Rachel: (shouting) I’m sorry!
Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandler’s father’s Las Vegas all-male burlesque?
Monica: Viva Las Gaygas!
Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct.
The Girls: Yes!!
Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (He opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round!
All: Ohhhh.
Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer.
Monica: You guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds.
Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we’re gonna destroy you.
Monica: Huh, wanna bet?
Chandler: Well, I’m so confused as to what we’ve been doing so far…
Monica: How about we play for more money, say 150?
Ross: 150 dollars.
Chandler: Say 200?
Ross: 200 dollars.
Monica: You’re doing it again.
Ross: Excuse me.
Rachel: Monica, I don’t want to lose 200 dollars.
Monica: We won’t. (to Chandler) 300?
Rachel: Monica?!
Monica: I’m just trying to spice it up!
Rachel: Okay, so let’s play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?
Rachel: Oooohh that’s interesting.
Joey: Hey, no way, that rooster’s family!
Rachel: Throw in the duck too!
Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn’t make any noise!
Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up.
Joey: Look, we are not gonna…
Chandler: (interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds.
Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)
Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.
Joey: Oooooh!
Monica: Deal!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.]
Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I don’t know about this.
Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.)
Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written on there?
Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me.
Rachel: All right, let’s do it.
Monica: Come on!
Rachel: Okay. (They go into the living room.)
Ross: All right, gentlemen, you’re up first.
Joey: Okay.
Chandler: Okay. (Starts jumping around.)
Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins—stop it (Chandler stops jumping)—now. What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
Joey: Big fat goalie.
Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie…
Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...
Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s.
Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?
Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear and then in Ross’s ear.)
Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
(They both confer.)
Joey: Everyday use.
Chandler: Fancy.
Joey: Guest.
Chandler: Fancy guest.
Ross: Two seconds…
Joey: Uhh, 11!
Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, that’s 4 for the guys. Ladies, you’re up.
Rachel: All right!
Monica: Come on!
(As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you don’t know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joey’s New Girlfriend.)
Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins…now! What is Joey’s favorite food?
Monica: Sandwiches!
Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast?
Rachel: 14?
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks man.
Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
Monica: Maurice.
Ross: Correct, his profession was?
Rachel: Space cowboy!
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job?
(The girls are stumped)
Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.
Monica: And processing.
Rachel: He carries a briefcase.
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding.
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster!
Monica: That’s not even a word! I can get this! I can get this!
(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)
Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Rachel: Oh my God.
Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying in the foosball table.]
Joey: I call Monica’s room!
Chandler: You can’t just call Monica’s room.
Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, I’m sight of the room and I called it.
(Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that he’s in sight of the room, and mouths damn!)
Monica: Man, I feel like I’m coming down with something.
Joey: What?
Monica: Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you can’t guess what color my tonsils are? I’ll bet the apartment!
Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It’s too nice.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey—ooh Pheebs, are they in there?
Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they’re implanted.
Monica: How do you feel?
Phoebe: Well, freaked. ‘Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alice’s like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket.
Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works.
Monica: Really?! How much?!
Phoebe: All right, I’m gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now.
Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon.
Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body’s always been a little faster than Western medicine.
Rachel: (entering from Chandler’s bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I can’t believe you guys are actually think you’re moving in here!
Chandler: Well believe it baby!
Rachel: Well I-I-I’m not moving.
Joey: What?!
Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game!
Joey: You can’t just ignore the bet! It’s a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet!
Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would’ve made them get rid of the birds. Right?
Rachel: Noooo.
Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, it’s all your fault.
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week!
Chandler: I knew it!
Rachel: I don’t care, I’m not going anywhere.
Chandler: Cool, girl roommate.
(Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.)
Monica: Well?
Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet.
Monica: It’s only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.
Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I’m gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I’m just gonna y’know, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, I’m let gravity y’know, do its jobs.
[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandler’s bedroom.]
Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box?
Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl’s apartment! That is a boy’s apartment, it’s dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It’s-it’s so pretty! And look, and it’s-it’s purple! And I’m telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.)
Monica: I’ll take care of it.
Rachel: That’s right! You do what the hand says!
[Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.]
Rachel: How did it go?
Monica: I lost our mattresses.
[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.]
Phoebe: (singing) "Are you in there little fetus?
                             In nine will you come great us?
                             I will buy you some Adidas."
(There’s a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hey!
Frank and Alice: (entering) Hi!
Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present.
Phoebe: Oh. Oh.
Frank: Umm, it’s a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test.
Monica: Hey, don’t mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop.
Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? There’s only one question.
Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y’know just remember that it’s still really early, okay so, if it says that I’m not pregnant, that doesn’t mean that I’m not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I don’t go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this.
Alice: Okay.
Frank: Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.)
Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.)
(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)
Rachel: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!
Joey: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!
Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me!
Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question wrong!
Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question!
Ross: Don’t blame the questions!
Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!
Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment!
Joey: But it is our apartment!
Rachel: No it’s not!
(They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.)
Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You’re gonna have a baby! They’re gonna have a baby!
Frank: MY SISTER’S GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!!
(They all go over and hug Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Okay, but this can’t be good for the baby.
All: Oh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and resume the hug without her.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy unpacking.]
Monica: I can’t find garbage bags!
Rachel: Oh, I think I saw some in here.
(She opens a door and they both scream at horror at what’s inside of it.)
Monica: What is it?!
Rachel: I don’t know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it’ll die.
Monica: I can’t believe we’re living here!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, they’re both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room.]
Chandler: What?! What-what is it?!
Joey: Did you see the size of the closets?!
Chandler: I can’t believe we live here!
(They both sit down on the chairs and put up the foot rest.)
Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!
END

多云有时晴

413 The One With Rachel’s Crush

[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathy’s play.]
Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play!
Ross: People can hear you.
Chandler: I know!!
(The play starts.)
Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn’t she?
Ross: Yeah.
(Onstage there’s a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We don’t see what’s going on, only hear it.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Hi!
Kathy: Hi!
Ross: That is one good looking man!
Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!
Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you’ve been doing this long?
Kathy: No, you’re my first. Put the money on the table.
(Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that’s nice. (They start making out harder.)
Ross: Dude!
Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse?
Kathy: If you want it to be.
(Kathy’s co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandler’s mouth is on the floor.)
Ross: Here’s your girlfriend’s button. (Holding the button.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after the move, and Phoebe is their also.]
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school?
Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?
Phoebe: Well, it’s just that maternity clothes are so expensive.
(Rachel enters)
Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just…(Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it)…throw your purses at it.
Rachel: Bloomingdale’s eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps)
Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job?
Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down!
Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: That sounds great!
Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.)
Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can’t eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.
Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) There’s gravy?
Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that’s your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg)
(Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Joey: I think I left a donut up here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are already there.]
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy’s play?
Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin’ guy.
Chandler: Yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!
Phoebe: That’s a good idea for a business!
Chandler: I’m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it’ll be like, "So where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, Chester?" And she’ll go, "No-no-no, it’s Chandler." And he’ll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick.
Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?
Joey: Chandler, look they’re actors. They’re there to do a job, just ‘cause they work together, doesn’t mean they’re gonna get together. I mean just ‘cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen with them.
Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
Ross: They’re not a couple!
Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now.
Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot?
Ross: Oh yeah!
Joey: Well okay, so then you’re fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it’s hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It’s when the heat goes away, that’s when you’re in trouble.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I’ve ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage?
Ross: No.
Joey: Noooo!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.]
Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?
Ross: Y’know what, I don’t know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.
Chandler: Yeah, I know but…
Ross: Oh no-no-no, I’m there.
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes?
Monica: You made pancakes?
Joey: Yep! Grab a plate.
Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her pancakes.)
Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin’ closer.
Chandler: Okay, okay, but don’t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I’m fairly certain are the same thing.
Joey: Listen also we’re uh, we’re watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over.
Ross: Oh yeah!
Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game.
Joey: Oh yeah, who’s playing?
Monica: The players.
Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.
Monica: (laughs) Please, it’s a relief is what it is, is what it is.
Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate!
Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe catches it and throws it on her plate.)
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you.
Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I’m in the middle of a task. And you have a customer.
(It’s a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually it’s Tate Donovan, so it’s not like she’s really testing her acting skills.)
Rachel: Hi!
Joshua: Hi, I’m Joshua.
Rachel: Hi, I’m Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua?
Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife…
Rachel: Oh, I’m so sorry.
(He walks over to look and some clothes and Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her bra, trying to show off her assets.)
Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt.
Rachel: Well, at least that’s a great suit.
Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn’t much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. (Rachel laughs) So I need everything down to underwear, so if you’re willing, I’m all yours.
Rachel: Okay.
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me?
Rachel: No-no, that wasn’t me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry.
(He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it’s this way, it’s this way. (Motions to the correct way.)
Joshua: It’s this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his butt.)
[Scene: Kathy’s play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the play.]
Chandler: I’m right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there’s no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!
Ross: All right, let’s not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them.
Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!
Ross: Here she comes. Don’t say a word, okay? Just be cool, don’t be…y'know you.
Kathy: Hey you guys!
Ross: Hey!
Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight?
Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.)
Kathy: Wasn’t Nick funny when he couldn’t get his match lit?
(Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.)
Kathy: It’s a good play, isn’t it?
(Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells him to "Come on.")
Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you’re having sex with him.
Ross: Okay, I… (Walks away.)
Kathy: Clearly, I’m having sex with him?
Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!
Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You’re accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance?
Chandler: Y’know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you’re up there every night, you’re naked, touching, kissing.
Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I’m-I’m playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?!
Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started.
Kathy: Oh, wow. I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face.
Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don’t even see you denying this!
Kathy: I’ll tell you what, Chandler, why don’t you call me when you grow up!
Chandler: Yeah, well, don’t expect that to happen anytime soon!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating pizza as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day!
Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll.
Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh.
Ross: Uh, hello!
Rachel: Hi-e!!
Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell?
Joey: I don’t know, it smells good.
(He goes over and opens the door to reveal Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan to blow the smell across the hall.)
Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven!
Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment)
Monica: Please, have some!
Ross: Oh, yumm!
Monica: Yeah, I’ve just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone.
Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new Playboy!
Monica: Yeah, it’s just something I picked up.
Ross: Cookies and porn, you’re the best mom ever!!
(Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.)
Phoebe: What? What?
Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there.
Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck?
Rachel: It’s Joshua.
Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the thumbs up heading back to his apartment. Joey follows him)
Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn’t take-out!
Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run, but…
Monica: No, wait, please don’t go! I’ve got porn for you too!
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t need it.
Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here!
Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
Monica: I’m the hostess! Not those guys! I’m always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air.
Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment?
Monica: ‘Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I’m-I’m done now. They’ve suffered enough.
Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you should’ve just made them hang out here!
Rachel: Yeah, that’s true.
Monica: All right then, when I’m done with this place, it’s gonna be ten times better than that place!
Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place?
(Chandler comes back, obviously drunk, and trips over the steps.)
Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl’s apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!
All: What?!
Ross: So you were right?
Chandler: I confronted her, and she didn’t deny it! (Pause) I don’t live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.)
Ross: Chandler!
Rachel: Chandler, what did she say?
Phoebe: Wait a minute.
Joey: Come here.
Monica: Are you sure?
Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie’s…
Rachel: Beefsteak Charlie’s?
Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like—(motions that they think the same.)
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Monica is lugging one of those floor polishing machines through the hallway. Rachel comes up the steps and stops when she sees Monica.]
Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joey’s.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that?
Monica: Nah, I got it.
Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and Joey’s.)
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Rachel: Hi!
All: Hey!
Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It’s just so frustrating!
Phoebe: Why don’t you ask him out?
Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! That’s such a turn-on!
Rachel: Really? It doesn’t seem desperate?
Joey: Oh-ooh, that’s the turn-on.
Phoebe: He just got a divorce right?
Rachel: Hmm-mmm.
Phoebe: So he’s probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move.
Rachel: Yeah but, I’ve never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe: (shocked) You’ve never asked a guy out?!!
Rachel: No. Have you?
Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn’t make me sound too good does it?
Rachel: I don’t even know how I would go about it.
Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?"
Phoebe: Oh, please!
Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’?
(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)
Rachel: You know what, I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna call him up, and I’m gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you doin’? (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? It’s Rachel Green from Bloomingdale’s. (Listens) Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we—(Listens) the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, let’s see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye. (Hangs up) (to Phoebe) You’ve done that a thousand times?
Phoebe: I’ve never done that.
Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no.
Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he can’t say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you’re guaranteed he’ll say yes!
Rachel: Really?! You think that will work?
Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesn’t, can I get the extra ticket?
(We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachel’s apartment.)
Joey: What the heck is that?
(They go open the door and reveal Monica being spun around on the floor polisher and getting the cord wrapped around her legs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are watching a movie as Chandler comes in from his bedroom.]
Chandler: Did she call?
Phoebe: No, sorry.
Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her.
Joey: No! Forget her, man! You don’t need her, you don’t need that!
Ross: He’s right, what she did was unforgivable.
Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?
Ross: How might you be wrong?
Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didn’t actually sleep with the guy?
Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this.
Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!
Ross: That’s all you’re basing this on?
Chandler: That’s not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Chandler: Oh my God!!
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job, she is waiting for Joshua and practising how to ask him out.]
Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? (Tries again.) You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too… (Tries again.) Umm, who likes the Knicks—(Joshua comes in from the dressing room.)
Joshua: What do you think?
Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great!
Joshua: Huh. (She starts brushing the lint off and checking him out in the mirror.) Yeah?
Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like it?
Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I’m gonna wear it home.
Rachel: Great.
Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your help.
Rachel: Sure.
Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it.
Rachel: Yeah-eah-ha!
Joshua: Thanks. (He starts to leave) Maybe I’ll see in the spring, with the uh, y’know, for the uh, bathing suits.
Rachel: Oh well, you don’t want to do that now?!
Joshua: Ah, that’s okay, thanks.
Rachel: Okay.
Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, I’ll see you around sometime. (He goes out the door.)
Rachel: Basketball!
Joshua: (coming back in) I’m sorry.
Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you’re interested, just as a thank you for this week.
Joshua: Wow! That would be great.
Rachel: Really?
Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. (He takes the tickets and leaves as Mr. Waltham returns.)
Mr. Waltham: Good morning.
Joshua: Hi!
(Mr. Waltham admires Joshua’s butt as he leaves.)
[Scene: Kathy’s apartment, Chandler is knocking on the door.]
Kathy: (opening the door) Hey.
Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I’m sorry. Y’know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset.
Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you’d call me.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y’know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? ‘Cause we’ve had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y’know, I know for me—(Notices a pair of men’s pants on the chair.) Nick’s pants?
Kathy: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is debriefing Rachel on her rejection earlier that day and telling her what she should’ve done. Ross and Phoebe are watching.]
Joey: Okay, for next time, what do you say?
Rachel: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket.
Ross: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down?
Rachel: He didn’t turn me down! He’s at the game isn’t he? I got the date, I’m just not on it!
Monica: (entering) Okay, it’s ready. Come on.
Joey: What’s ready?
Monica: Just come.
(They all go over to her apartment.)
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: Wow! Monica!
Phoebe: Great!
Ross: This is beautiful!
(She has cleaned it, completely redecorated it, removed the carpet, and polished the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh did you—what did you—did you work for two days straight?
Monica: Pretty much. (to Joey) So, what do you, what do you think of the floor?
Joey: I don’t know, it looks the same.
Monica: You used to have carpet.
Joey: Oh yeah!
Monica: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out okay? I’m just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit.
Ross: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come back later?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep talking. I’m always the hostess.
(Chandler returns.)
Ross: Hey!
Joey: How’d it go?
Chandler: Well, she wasn’t sleeping with him.
Phoebe: Oh good!
Chandler: She is now.
Ross: What are you saying?
Chandler: I’m saying that she… is a devil woman! Y’know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don’t hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really.
Phoebe: How? How is your fault?
Chandler: Because, I-I should’ve called! Y’know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would’ve gone out with Nick, and they would’ve ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples!
Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone.
Ross: Well, if-if she thought they were on a break…
(They all turn and glare at him.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is sitting at her desk as Mr. Waltham comes in.]
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen.
Rachel: Really?
Mr. Waltham: Will you call him?
Rachel: Yes! I will! Absolutely! (She takes out his license and her license and holds them face to face with each other. She then proceeds to act like Dark Helmut in Spaceballs, and mimic a conversation between the two of them.) Hello, Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I’m glad. Rachel, I’d like to say something to you. Yes? How you doin’?
END

多云有时晴

414 The One With Joey’s Dirty Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]
Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?
Joey: Guggly worm.
Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?
Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer.
Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny.
Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what’s this?
Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)
Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp.
Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?"
All: Great!
(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)
Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)
Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?
Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.
Monica: What’s Phase Two?
Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.
Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?
Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.
Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.
Ross: There are naked ladies there too.
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.]
Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?
Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.
Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?
Rachel: Yeah!
Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about—well uh, this one is large. And this one—(Grabs the other hand.)
Joshua: Also large?
Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!
Joshua: Okay.
Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?
Rachel: Yes.
Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening?
Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!
Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.
Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really—(motions to Joshua.)
Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.
Joshua: So…(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")
Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)
Joshua: Gloves?
Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back!
Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off.
Rachel: Oh.
Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?
Rachel: No! Nothing!
Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come?
Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!
Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right?
Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess—I…
Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.
Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!
Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I?
Rachel: What?
Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.
Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.
Rachel: Oh yay!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.]
Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!
Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun.
Joey: (entering) Hey-hey!
Ross: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)
Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea.
All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!
Monica: You stink!
Ross: Are you kidding?!
Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing?
Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days.
Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going?
(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)
Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, Monica!
Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter?
Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So… What are you gonna do?
Monica: I don’t know sweetie.
Rachel: No! Help me!
Monica: I can’t! I have to work!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.
Rachel: Ugh!
Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.
Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell.
Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: So….
Ross: No.
Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Monica: I think she’s here.
Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!
Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.
Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!
Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)
Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?
Ross: All right, I’ll do it.
Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?
Emily: Yes.
Rachel: I’m Rachel Green.
Emily: Thank goodness.
Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So…
Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day.
Rachel: Oh well, no I…
Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
Monica: I-I-I think you look great.
Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)
(Pause)
Rachel: I’ll get her.
Ross: Please hurry.
Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Phoebe: Ohh!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.
Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!
Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink!
Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.
Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell.
(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)
Rachel: Hey—whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!
Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?
Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Why?
Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.
Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?
Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.
Monica: So you hit her in the face?
Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name.
Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!
(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)
Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants!
Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!
Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!
Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!
Monica: Oh-oh, my God!
Chandler: Well, can I just…
Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?
Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me!
Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying?
Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!
Phoebe: What? Oh my God!
Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily—(realises) noooo!!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.]
Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.)
Chandler: Ow!
Rachel: How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)
Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time.
[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]
Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.
Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)
[cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.]
Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)
Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)
Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?
Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that—y’know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!
Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.
Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…little…thing!! (Storms out.)
Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?
Monica: A couple of days.
Chandler: Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)
Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase!
Chandler: Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time.
Phoebe: Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us.
Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys!
Chandler: (laughs) No you can’t.
Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!
Chandler: You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)
Phoebe: Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry)
Phoebe: I’m sorry. (Goes and hugs him)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.]
Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here!
The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late.
(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.)
Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!
The A.D: Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with—(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)
Joey: (trying to act like he’s not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?
The A.D: You.
Joey: Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?
The A.D: You?
Joey: No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston.
The A.D: What?
Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.
The A.D: There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.
Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?
The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.
Joey: Interesting.
[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn’t enjoying himself.]
Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I’ve got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
Chandler: No thanks, Mom!
(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)
Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause I’m pregnant.
The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.
Phoebe: Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)
(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)
Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer’s hot pants) so good.
Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.
Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn’t call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!
Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!!
Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.
Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.
Monica: Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.
Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y’know what—y’know what, I think I’m just gonna go home and call Kathy.
Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.
Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I’m gonna get so drunk, I’m gonna wanna call Janice
Phoebe: You should! How is she?
Chandler: Ohhh!!
Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)
[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston’s dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]
Charlton Heston: Hello! Who’s in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)
Joey: How ya doin’?
Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?
Joey: I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?
Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.
Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.
Charlton Heston: (shocked) You’re in this picture?
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink!
Charlton Heston: Joey, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another—opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won’t even watch himself.
Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand…
Charlton Heston: Listen to me!
Joey: Oh yeah, yeah.
Charlton Heston: I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?!
Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m—(he starts to leave)
Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.
Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.]
Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right?
Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!
Rachel: (entering) I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called.
Phoebe: Who, Josh?
Rachel: It’s Joshua.
Monica: What, he doesn’t like Josh?
Rachel: No, I don’t.
Chandler: All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on.
Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re girls.
Chandler: Yeah?
Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at?
Chandler: Stripping!
Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk.
Rachel: Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? (Pats his chest.)
Monica: Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too.
Chandler: Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave.
Monica: Come on! Chandler!
Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)
Monica: They really were pretty, weren’t they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree)
Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.
Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.
Rachel: See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal.
Monica: Oh, Chantal!
Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh…
Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women!
Monica: That’s-that’s not Phase Three.
Chandler: Well, I’m there too!
Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?
Chandler: Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!
Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?
Chandler: Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.]
Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile.
Joey: I don’t wanna.
Chandler{s:1:tongue}lease?
Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club!
Chandler: I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.
Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey—ooh so, how was Vermont?
Ross: Emily is…incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!
Rachel: Oh, hey!
Ross: Hey! You were so right!
Rachel: What?
Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other.
Rachel: Oh, hmm.
Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy…
Rachel: Joshua.
Ross: Joshua…guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda…y’know.
Rachel: Yeah, I…
Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you are!
Rachel: Oh, thank goodness!
Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.
Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.)
Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)
Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it’s a dream sequence, this isn’t cable.]
Chandler: All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!"
Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her.
Chandler: Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.
Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again?
Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!
The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel.
Rachel: No-no-no, that’ not Joshua.
Chandler: What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler’s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I’ve got to wake up!
END

多云有时晴

415 The One With All The Rugby
[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those terms?  Well, it scares me.).]
Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done!  And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is.  Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!
Rachel: Chandler, there’s a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)
Chandler: That’s a mailman! That’s our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
Rachel: Chandler, don’t worry! This doesn’t make you any less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?
Rachel: Hmm.
Woman: OH…MY…GAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It’s Janice.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do?
Joey: Ohh, Nothing.
Monica: Didn’t it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did?
Joey: I know what it did! Nothing.
Monica: They wouldn’t have put it there if it didn’t do something! How can you not care?
Joey: Like this. (Shrugs)
Rachel: Well, here’s another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?
Joey: Sure! It flushes it.
Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?
Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!
Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.)
Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?!
Monica: Janice?!
Chandler: Isn’t this amazing?
Monica: How have you been?
Janice: Oh well, I’m divorced.
Phoebe: Ohhh, wow.
Janice: Yeah, I’m riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.)
Joey: And there it is.
Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, I’ll see you tonight.
Chandler: Okay. Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: B-bye!
Janice: Bye-bye.
Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it’s closed) I can’t stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)
Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality—Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones!
Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here!
Chandler: Don’t worry about it. I’m taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)
Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.
Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don’t have to break up with her this time. We’re not involved! I’m going to do a pre-emptive strike! I’m going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)
Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) I’m tellin’ ya!
[Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]
Emily: I can’t believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York.
Ross: No, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe.
(At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.)
Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!!
Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross.
Devon: Hey, mate.
Liam: How are ya man?
Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help!
Emily: So how are you? I’ve been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I’ve been rather busy.
Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert?
Emily: Oh my God. I think you’re right.
Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning.
Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.)
Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something—or should I call it (In an English accent) football?
Devon: We were playing rugby.
Liam: In fact we’re playing a game at the park tomorrow. You’re welcome to play too if you want.
Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I don’t think so.
Ross: What’s ah, what’s so funny about that?
Emily: Well I mean, you’re American to start with. You don’t even have rugby here.
Ross: Well, we didn’t have freedom here until 1776, either so…
Devon: So good then! We’ll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!
Liam: Cheers!
Ross: Cheers!
(Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]
Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing!
Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.
Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would’ve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh)
Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I’m just getting out of a very serious relationship…
Janice: I know! And I’m just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!
Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.
Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time.
Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!
Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris?
Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.
Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen!
Janice: When?
Chandler: I don’t know exactly.
Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.
Chandler: But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]
Monica: Done?
Phoebe: Yep!
Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey!
Joey: Hey! What’s up?
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.
Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did.
Rachel: Y’know, you-you also could’ve used uh, lamps and then followed the light.
Monica: Yeah, well, I’m using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it’s Joey.)
Rachel: It’s coming from Joey!
Phoebe: Oh my God, that’s so freaky! Turn him off!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.
Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I’m watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m man enough to play this sport.
Joey: Dude, you’re not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.
Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross!
Ross: (shocked) Hey!
Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice.
Chandler: Y’know uh, you didn’t really have to help me pack.
Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn’t really leave me much choice. Did you?
Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!
Joey: Hey-hey, what’s going on?
Chandler: Oh, I’m packing. Y’know I’m-I’m packing ‘cause I’m moving to Yemen tomorrow.
Joey: Thanks for telling me!
(Janice runs into the bedroom.)
Chandler: I’m only going to pretend I’m moving to Yemen, it’s the only way I can get rid off her.
Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country.
Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, I’m gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It’s a real space saver.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that ‘cause it makes me look taller.
Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!
Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!
Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can’t believe you said you’d play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is!
Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?
Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad.
Ross: That’s ‘cause-‘cause you’re mom’s dog kept-kept looking at me.
Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That’s called a scrum, okay? It’s kinda like a huddle.
Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?
Joey: Ross! (Laughs) They’re gonna kill you!
Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway?
Ross: Well, you should’ve seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he’s like Joe Rugby.
Phoebe: You’re kidding! And he plays rugby?! That’s so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.
Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I’m gonna show her how tough I really am!
Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right, you are a tough guy. You’re the toughest palaeontologist I know.
Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It’s not like he’s…Chandler!
Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!
Ross: Look, don’t worry about me. Okay? I’ll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I’ll uh, I’ll be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.)
All: Oh!
Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him.
(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.]
Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that one—Dude! They’re all huge!
Ross: They don’t look any bigger than me!
Joey: Well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.
Emily: I’m just going to say hi to the lads. All right?
Ross: All right.
Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)
(A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.
(The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.)
Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it.
(The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.)
Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I’ve got to go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe don’t know what he’s talking about.) Y’know, Red Ross!
Joey: I totally don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!!
Joey: No.
Ross: You’ll see.
[Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam]
Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it’s his first time.
Liam: You don’t say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his face.)
Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe.
(The scrum forms and the game is underway.)
Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on!
(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.)
Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!
(Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.)
Ross: JOEY!!!!!!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: You…are…not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened?
Monica: He asked you out?!
Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.
Monica: Saucy!
Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these?
Monica: Electrical plans for the building.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?
Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.
Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew.
[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]
Chandler: Y’know you, really didn’t have to take me to the airport.
Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y’know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don’t really seem to care too much that you’re leaving.
Chandler: Well, we’re really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.
Janice: On no! No! It’s not good-bye, I’m not leaving until you get on that plane.
Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it’s just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.
Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.
Ticket Counter Attendant: I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand.
Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child?
Chandler: No. All right, y’know what, she’s (Points to Janice) gonna think that I’m handing you a credit card, but what I’m really gonna do is hand you a library card.
Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don’t take library cards.
Janice: What’s the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay?
Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?
[Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]
Emily: I can’t believe they’re doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him!
Phoebe: No offence but, y’know sometimes it’s hard to understand you, y’know with the accent, so…
(The whistle blows.)
Emily: That’s just halftime, there’s more of this.
(Ross limps over all covered in mud.)
Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game!
Emily: Right.
Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water?
Emily: Okay.
Ross: Thanks. (When she’s gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think I’m dying. I really do.
Phoebe: Oh, poor baby.
Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun!
Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there!
Ross: (whines "No.") That’s not true!
Phoebe: She’s right! You have to stop!
Ross: What? No! No, I’m not stopping. I’m Red Ross!
Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you’re gonna be Dead Ross!
Ross: I don’t care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game!
Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you.
Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.
Emily: No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain.
Ross: I like that.
Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle.
Ross: Huh?
Emily: One swift kick and he’ll back off.
Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!
Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn’t wear a cup.
Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay!
Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam’s got bad knees. You hit him right and he’ll go down like a lamp.
Ross: But-but, Liam’s on my team.
Emily: I don’t care! You just get him!
Ross: I’m gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a madman.)
Joey: The Red Ross! Okay.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren’t there originally.) What-what are-what are these?
Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they’d brighten up the place. They do don’t you think?
(Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.)
Monica: No-no-no, no!
(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesn’t have a hole underneath it.)
Monica: I know that there’s no hole there, I just really liked that picture.
(Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this!
Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!
Rachel: I don’t care! The wires have come loose in your head!
Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.
Rachel: And did you?!
Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs.
(Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.)
Monica: But it didn’t. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling.
Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.
[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]
Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don’t want to go see a doctor?
Ross: Oh no! That-that’ll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y’know what? I’m buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it’s in my pocket.
Joey: Yeah, sure.
Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.)
Joey: Uhh, look, your eye’s still popping out a little, I’m gonna go get some ice.
Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.)
Emily: You were amazing out there.
Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasn’t I?
Emily: Oh my God!
Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven’t done that since I was four and I washed my dad’s Porsche with rocks.
Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didn’t you?
Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose—I mean I-I’m not proud of it but, I really am. And it’s all because of you, wonderful, amazing you.
Emily: I think you’ve got concussion.
Ross: No, no, I’m serious. Thank you.
Emily: You’re welcome. (She hugs him tightly and he winces.) I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?
Ross: It’s worth the pain. (She goes to hug him again.) Y’know what, you know what? It’s not.
[Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being called.]
Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.
Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.
Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I’ll wait for you. Do you even know how long you’re going to be gone?
Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.
Janice: Oh. Well, I’ll right you everyday. (Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.
Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.
(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: No!
Janice: Chandler!
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off.
Chandler: Well, I then guess I’m going to Yemen! I’m going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]
Monica: All right. The super couldn’t figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn’t figure out what it did. I’ve had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up.
Rachel: Thank God.
Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing.
[Cut to Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]
Phoebe: See? I’m doing it. I am totally doing it. (Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it.
END

多云有时晴

416 The One With The Fake Party

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is stressing out about something.]
Monica: What is it hon?
Phoebe: I-I can’t find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I’m telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake—ooh! Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No.
Monica: Aww, honey I’m sorry.
Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.)
Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.
[Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.]
Joey: Yeah?
Phoebe: It’s me. It’s Phoebe. Listen there’s something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good?
(Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.)
Joey: Is it the shampoo? It’s guava.
Phoebe: (she smells his head) No!
Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can’t eat meat!
Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it’s a pickle?!
(Phoebe grimaces at the smell.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor.]
Chandler: What are you writing?
Rachel: Well, Joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since I don’t have the guts to ask him out, I’m going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket.
Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style—what did you throw away?
(Ross and Emily enter.)
Chandler: Hi guys!
All: Hey!
Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too?
Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum.
Chandler: Without me?!
Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really interesting.
Ross: Yeah.
Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows them a doorknob she has.)
Monica: I don’t know how museums work in England but, here, you’re not supposed to take stuff.
Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) It’s a joke. (They all laugh.)
Ross: Bye. (They kiss.)
Emily: Right, I’ve got to be off, I’ll see ya. Buh-bye then. (She leaves.)
Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time.
Ross: Oh yeah, she’s-she’s amazing. And-and she’s so much fun. And! Y’know what? When I’m with her, I’m fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She’s leaving in two days, I don’t have to do it.
Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed.
Ross: Yeah, she’s got to go back to London. But you know what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that’s it. Y’know.
Joey: Hey that’s what all my relationships are like.
Chandler: Yes, but in Ross’s case, they both know in two weeks that’s it.
(Phoebe enters.)
Ross: Pheebs!
All: Hey!
Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello!
Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y’know? And I got nauseous.
Chandler: Maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck!
Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy.
Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.
Phoebe: That’s sweat. You throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow too.
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note.]
Joshua: (coming in from a changing room) Okay!
Rachel: Oh, here’s that trench-coat that you wanted.
Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it’s comfortable.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to put his hands in his pockets.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don’t want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.
Joshua: Why not?!
Rachel: Well, that’s because of a lot of…(She imitates someone picking their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.)
Joshua: Y’know, they ruin it for everybody.
Rachel: I know!
Joshua: Y’know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night.
Rachel: Oh?
Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce.
Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her?
Joshua: No, no, no, she’s nice but, y’know, it just it made me realize that I’m just not, I’m just not ready to be dating, y’know?
Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that’s uh, that’s interesting. (She goes over and retrieves her note.)
Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that?
Rachel: Oh, it’s just an anti-theft device.
Joshua: Then uh, what’s-what’s this? (Shows her the real anti-theft device.)
Rachel: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. (Rips up the note.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans.
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Joey: Yeah, what’ going on?
Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it’s actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said he’s not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.)
Ross: Well, as much as I’d like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren’t going to be here. All right? I mean, she’s going to come by first to say good-bye, and then I’ve got a whole special evening planned. So I’m sorry, no party.
Joey: Awwww!
Emily: (entering) Hello?
Rachel: Surprise!!!
Chandler and Joey: Surprise!!
Emily: No one’s ever thrown me a surprise party before!
Rachel: Well, it was all Ross’s idea.
Emily: You’re so sweet! And I’m so surprised!
Ross: You really didn’t know?
[Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and Chandler goes over to talk to her.]
Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.)
Rachel: Uhh, because I’m trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he’s looking over here, say something funny.
Chandler: Like what?
(Rachel laughs hysterically.)
Joey: What-what-what is so funny?
Chandler: I said, "Like what?"
Joey: Now that’s a thinker.
Rachel: Okay, y’know what, y’know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.) Okay. Okay. (She does a little sexy walk over to where Joshua is standing.) Hi!
Joshua: Hi!
Rachel: Care for a cherry?
Joshua: Oh, no thanks.
Rachel: No? Y’know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue.
(She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.)
Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.)
Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably get going soon.
Emily: Oh, but the party’s only just getting started!
Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then y’know, then The Plaza for dinner.
Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time?
Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It’s usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I’m so surprised—good-bye!"
Emily: But Ross, I’m such having a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties.
Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica’s knee really hardly and Monica winces in pain.)
[Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.]
Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that?
Joey: A little salami.
Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami?
Joey: Pastrami.
Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You’re a genius.
(Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.)
Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper?
Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.)
Rachel: Up!
Monica: You changed?
Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress.
Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage?
Chandler: Does for me.
(Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the ‘okay’ symbol and walks away.)
Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he’s so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him?
Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra.
Rachel: What?
Joey: There was a seen in Footloose...
Chandler: Flashdance.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl…
Chandler: She was a welder.
Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or… Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy.
Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe.
Rachel: It’s not Christmas!
Monica: Or Spin the Bottle?
Rachel: He’s not 11!
Emily: (with her coat on, she’s leaving with Ross) Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you.
Rachel: What? You’re leaving?!
Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to.
Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I’m going to take-off too.
Rachel: No! You guys can’t leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned!
Ross: What big thing?
[Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is explaining the rules of Spin the Bottle.]
Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunther’s face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first?
Emily: I’ll go.
All: Yay!
(Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.)
Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.)
(Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.)
Monica: Two in a row! You’ve got to use your tongues now! (They kiss again.)
Rachel: Yay! Emily!
(Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.)
Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds?
(They both move to kiss again.)
Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-that’s enough! Y’know, let’s, let’s let someone else play.
Joey: If you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party?
Rachel: Okay, my turn!!
(Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on….wait for it….Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didn’t you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked!
All: Ohh!
Rachel: It’s okay! It’s okay! It kicked once, it’ll kick again!
All: Oh my God!
(They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing Rachel from kissing Joshua.)
Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting.
(She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels it and looks down, Rachel pretends she’s knocking a bug off his leg.)
Rachel: Just a bug.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, it is later in the party. The Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich as Phoebe watches.]
Phoebe: Y’know it doesn’t matter how much I’m craving it. Y’know why I’m never gonna eat meat? Because it’s murder, cold blooded murder.
Chandler: Okay.
(He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attacks the other end and starts devouring the sandwich.)
Chandler: There’s a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.)
Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?!
Phoebe: I can’t help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.
Joey: All right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone really hot?
Phoebe: Yeah, totally!
Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you’re going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!
[Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.]
Joey: Feel better now?
Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I’m gonna eat like, y’know millions of cows.
Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: Well, suppose until the baby’s born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-you’d just be eating my animals.
Phoebe: Joey, I can’t believe you would do that for me.
Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There’s no meat in beer, right?
[Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball table.]
Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away.
(Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This time into her high school cheerleading uniform.)
Emily: But, we can’t go now. It looks like Rachel’s gonna put on a skit.
Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind?
Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn’t working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed.
Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can’t let—(pause), actually I kinda want to see what happens.
Joshua: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Joshua: Nice uh, costume.
Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an ‘E!’
All: E!
Rachel: Gimme an ‘M!’
All: M!
Rachel: Gimme an ‘I!’
All: I!
Rachel: Gimme an ‘L!’
All: L!
Rachel: Gimme a ‘Y!’
All: Y!
Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) Emil—Whoa!! (She falls in Chandler’s room.) Okay! So that’s me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunther’s the only one that claps.)
(Joey and Monica rush over to her.)
Joey and Monica: Are you all right?
Rachel: I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m just losing a tooth, it’s no big deal. I have a dentist! Y’know. I’m gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do now?
Monica: I think you’re done.
Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. (She glares at him.)
Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually.
Joey: (trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off.
Rachel: All right, come on, let’s go get your coat.
Joshua: Okay.
(They both go to Chandler’s bedroom to get his coat.)
[Cut to Gunther and Emily.]
Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend.
[Cut to Chandler’s bedroom.]
Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun.
Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) Y’know, this bra… Really, bothers me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Y’know, this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a lot of memories. If these walls could talk, y’know what they’d say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently pulling on her bra in order to remove it, but it isn’t co-operating.)
Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control.
Joshua: You really don’t seem like you do. That’s…
(She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in her sleeve. Finally, she gives up.)
Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen.
Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen?
Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you.
Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! (Sits down next to her.) Uhh, I-I don’t wear suits to work, and I bought six of them from you.
Rachel: Well, I’m sorry, I thought you needed them!
Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted to see you.
Rachel: Why?!
Joshua: Because I-I like you.
Rachel: You like me?
Joshua: Yeah! I mean you’re-you’re beautiful and smart and sophisticated—a lot of this isn’t based on tonight.
Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can’t believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me!
Joshua: But…
Rachel: Oh no-no-no don’t say but! No-no, but’s never good! Let’s just leave it at, you like me and I like you.
Joshua: Okay uh, however…
Rachel: Oh, now see that’s a fancy but.
Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and I’m really not ready to get into anything yet.
Rachel: But….
Joshua: I’m sorry, I, I just need a little time.
Rachel: Okay.
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step drinking a beer as Rachel comes out of the guys apartment.]
Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua’s gone so you and Emily are free to go.
Ross: That’s okay. She’s still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it’s too late to do any of the things I had planned, so…
Rachel: Oh, Ross, I’m sorry. I completely ruined your evening.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself.
Ross: Helps a little.
Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser?
Ross: Yeah, have a seat.
Rachel: I’m so sorry.
Ross: That’s okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didn’t want it to end this way, y’know?
Rachel: Well, maybe you didn’t want it to end?
Ross: What do you mean?
Rachel: You seem to really like her.
Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment.
Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks.
Ross: You think?
Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.
Ross: Hey, you’re right.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Thanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.) What photo album was it?
Rachel: I don’t know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids.
Ross: Oh my God! Those weren’t albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.)
Rachel: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: You’re a pathetic loser, right?
Chandler: Oh-ho, yeah!
Rachel: Sit!
(He does so, and immediately starts looking pathetic.)
Joshua: Hi. (He has just returned.)
Rachel: Oh my gosh, Joshua!
Joshua: All those things I said about not being ready…
Rachel: They’re not true?
Joshua: No, they’re-they’re all true.
Rachel: Oh.
Joshua: But…
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I love that but.
(They move to kiss, but realise that Chandler is staring at them. Chandler urges them on.)
Rachel: You wanna go inside and have some coffee?
Joshua: Yeah.
Rachel: Okay. (Joshua goes inside and to Chandler.) Every time.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next day. Phoebe is busy making a sandwich.]
Joey: Oooh, what you got there?
Phoebe: Pastrami.
Joey: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y’know what goes good with that?
Phoebe: Hm-mm, corn beef.
Joey: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that’s much better. How about a little of that smoked turkey?
Phoebe: Okay.
Joey: (He starts looking longingly at the sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due?
Phoebe: Six months.
Joey: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right?
Phoebe: Not if I get there first.
END

多云有时晴

417 The One With The Free Porn

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]
Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!!
Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is that?
Chandler: Treeger’s snaking the shower drain.
Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?
Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop.
(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must’ve hit something on the remote.
Chandler: Do we pay for this?
Joey: No, we didn’t even pay our cable bill—maybe this is how they punish us.
Chandler: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill—free phone sex.
Joey: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady’s all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it!
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I’m sad. (Exits.)
Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]
Rachel: All right, y’know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!
Chandler: We don’t know what could make this go away.
Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!
Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay?
Monica: Well at least, I’m going to mute it.
Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)
Chandler: We still have porn.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That’s too heavy.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Ohh, I’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y’know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
Chandler: Or a job where you don’t have to carry a table.
Phoebe: You mean like a doctor?
Joey: Pheebs! You’re blocking the porn! Look out!
Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.
Monica: Oh. Why didn’t you take her?
Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y’know, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so…
Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!
Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.
Monica: Hey, cheer up! You’re gonna see her again, right?
Ross: Well I, that’s the thing, I don’t know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let’s just enjoy…"
Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, don’t-don’t do the accent. You’ve got to see her again.
Ross: And why do you care so much?
Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!
Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?
Monica: No! Y’know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.
Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!
Ross: Ahh.
Monica: Do you love her?
Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y’know?
Monica: You love her!
Ross: What-what is love really?
Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You’re probably just gonna catch her just as she’s about to go to the gate. You’re gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she’s gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.
Ross: I am a good kisser.
Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in… (Ross looks at her.) I’ve been watching too much porn.
[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We here the baby’s heartbeat.]
Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?
The Doctor: That’s it.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool.
(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)
The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
Phoebe: Why don’t take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I’ll hold onto your card, okay?
The Doctor: No, I’m getting three separate heartbeats.
Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn’t even have one!
The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.
Phoebe: Well, yeah.
Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!
The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’ around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!
The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different from giving birth to one.
Phoebe: What do you know?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]
Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Ooh! Hi!
Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe’s stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?
Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y’know how when you’re umm, you’re walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that’s nice?"
Frank: Yes.
Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you’re going to have three babies.
Alice: Three babies?
Frank: I finally got my band!
Alice: We’re gonna have a big family, I’ve always wanted a big family!
Phoebe: Oh God, I’m so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked.
Frank: Why would we be freaked?
Phoebe: No, no maybe ‘cause it’s harder to raise them, and the added expense, and…
Frank: (They’re less than happy now) Oh.
Alice: Right.
Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy!
Alice: No-no-no, no, it’s going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y’know it’ll-it’ll be like my very own little sweatshop.
Frank: Yeah, I’ve been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.
Alice: No, Frank.
Phoebe: No you can’t quit college! No! You’re in college? Really?
Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college.
Alice: Yeah.
Frank: Yeah, y’know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y’know I figured y’know like I should y’know have like a career—and I love refrigerators!
Phoebe: You can’t give up on your dream.
Frank: No, it’s okay. We’re-we’re gonna have three kids! And that’s-that’s a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.
[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]
Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.
Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)
Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug)
Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.
Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.)
Ross: That’s, that’s, that’s a big candy bar. (She’s holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.
Emily: Me too.
Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.
Emily: Well, that’ me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) I’m only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.)
Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I’ve been thinking, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you.
Emily: Oh. (She’s shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)
Ross: That’s no problem.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.]
Rachel: What’s that song? It has been in my head all day long.
Chandler: It’s the theme from Good Will Humping.
Rachel: Y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.
Joey: Yeah right.
Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?
Rachel: Yes!
Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.
(Rachel starts to leave.)
Monica: Where ya going?
Rachel: I’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice?
Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, ‘cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.
Chandler: They don’t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.
(Ross enters.)
Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?
Ross: I did.
Monica: And well, what did she say?
Ross: Thank you.
Monica: Oh, you’re totally welcome! What’d she say?
Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."
Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?
Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!
Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: Then you go to Tokyo.
Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it’s over.
Monica: It is not over! You’re over!
Chandler: What?
Monica: You know!
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one.
Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn’t, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn’t call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y’know just to she what’s going on, and, and she says she’ll call me back, but then she doesn’t. Then it’s over.
(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)
Joey: Way to be strong, man!
(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just woken up.]
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.
Rachel: Well, so, why don’t you just turn it off?
Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you’re hear! Okay.
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Well, what-what ‘cha got there?
Phoebe: Oh this, well I’m glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a knife and an soda can.) Now, don’t you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you’re thinking…
Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?
Monica: Phoebe, they didn’t make you pay for those knives, did they?
Phoebe: No!
Monica: Are you sure?
Phoebe: No!
Rachel: Honey, you’re not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.
Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.
Chandler: What’s the second part of your plan?
Phoebe: My Saturn dealership.
[Scene: Ross’s bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone.]
Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?
Emily: Ross.
Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?
Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things.
Ross: No, no, that-that, that’s all right. Umm, I’m just glad you called.
Emily: Ross umm, there’s something that I’ve got to tell you, there’s-there’s someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang.]
Ross: She doesn’t know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.
Monica: This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, there can’t be another guy.
Ross: Well…
Monica: Of course there’s another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love!
Ross: I’m not proving anything. Okay, I’m done listening to you. If I hadn’t let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would’ve put my fist through the wall!
Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?
Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!
Monica: You have to go to London!
Ross: What?
Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her!
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. ‘Cause you already told her you love her and she didn’t say it back, then she called you and told you that there’s another guy, so yeah, go to London that’ll scare her!
Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do?
Ross: I made fun of his accent.
Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didn’t fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily?
Ross: No.
Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!
Ross: Really?
Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don’t let her go without a fight!
Ross: All right. All right, I’m gonna do it!
Monica: All right.
Ross: I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to London and I’m going to fight for her.
Monica: Okay, good luck!
(Ross starts to leave.)
Joey: Ross! Ross! If you’re going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I’m gonna open up my own massage place and Frank’s gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn’t have to quit school!
Monica: That’s sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?
Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised…
Phoebe: I’m telling it! I’m telling it!
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I’ve got?
Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive?
Phoebe: No! Think about it, it’s a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it’s…
Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!
Phoebe: The name was my favourite part!
Rachel: Well, well I can up with it!
Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That’s not good.
Rachel: Well, I…
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello.
Ross: (on phone) Hey.
Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised?
[Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.]
Ross: No, because she hasn’t come home yet. And she hasn’t been home all night! She’s obviously staying with that other guy, and I’m the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out?
Ross: About four hours.
Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn’t show up by then, then just come on home.
Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that’s better than Relaxi Cab.
Rachel: Okay, it’s not Relaxi Cab. It’s Relaxicab, like taxicab.
Phoebe: Oh, that is better.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]
Chandler: Are we in London?
Monica: What are you doing here? You can’t be here!
Emily: I’ve uh, I’ve come to talk to Ross.
(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)
Emily: What?
Joey: (pause) Nothing. No, nothing.
Emily: I was going to call him, but…
Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) I’m right, right?
Emily: I’d really rather talk to him.
Monica: Oh.
Emily: I uh, I’ve been to his apartment and he wasn’t there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is?
[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily’s apartment. We hear Emily’s phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emily’s answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say…]
Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don’t know if you can hear this but… (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I’m gonna talk anyway, uh, I’m in the States with you sister and your friends and it’s all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you—Yes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you.
Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! I’m, I’m gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realises) You can’t hear me. (Goes to make his call.)
Emily: I wish I could know if you’d heard any of that. I suppose I’ve either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you’re listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there’s not much chance you did heard that, and there’s the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
Ross: Hi.
Emily: Ross, I love you!
Ross: Ohh! Thank you.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!
Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Joey: Noo! Nothing!
Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.
Joey: I think you’re right.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
Chandler: All right, ready?
Joey: One.
Chandler: Two.
Both: Three.
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
Joey: That’s kinda nice.
Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief.
Joey: Yeah.
(Pause.)
Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler turns on the TV and…)
Chandler: FREE PORN!!!
Joey: Yeah!!
Chandler: We have free porn here!!!
END

多云有时晴

418 The One With Rachel’s New Dress
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum.
Phoebe: (not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on the couch.) No, it’s just I’m so pregnant that I—my guitar doesn’t fit anymore. So I thought ‘til I’m not, I’m just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool!
Chandler: All right.
Phoebe: Listen. Listen. (She starts to play and sing.) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great!
Phoebe: I know! I know, and I’ve only been playing for like an hour!
Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!
Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here?
Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour.
Phoebe: Oh, well, don’t tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus.
Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR.
Chandler: Wouldn’t that be Frank the III?
Alice: Don’t get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby.
Phoebe: Wow! That’s so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
Alice: You think about it. (Leaves)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are getting ready to go to the airport.]
Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don’t think your son will think it’s yours and be horribly traumatised?
Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.
Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, it’s time to go.
Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock’s a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice?
Emily: Well that’s ambitious.
(They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)
Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that.
Emily: That’s Carol with your son!
Ross: Uhh, believe me when he’s older, he’ll understand.
Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross!
Ross: I’ll be right there. (He goes over and opens the door to Carol, Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.) Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan.
Susan: Hey, it’s so nice to finally meet you!
Emily: Me too!
Carol: Ohh, y’know, Susan’s gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week.
Susan: Oh yeah, I’m so excited, I’ve never been there.
Emily: Oh, well, I’ll show you around.
Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions…
Emily: Oh, there’s tonnes of terrific stuff—I’ll go with you!
Susan: Ahh!
(Ross accidentally, on purpose, bumps into Susan.)
Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so…
Emily: Are you all right?
Susan: Oh, he’s fine. He’s fine. It’s just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn’t like me.
Ross: Oh come on! That’s-that’s… true.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?
Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book (Holds up a book) and found nothing! I want a name that’s really like, y’know strong and confident, y’know? Like-like Exxon.
Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.
Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk?
Phoebe: No, I’m-I’m not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The."
Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey’s your pal. Joey’s your buddy. "Where is everybody?" "Well, they’re hanging out with Joey."
Chandler: Hey, y’know what, if you’re gonna do that, if you’re gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn’t think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler’s funny, sophisticated, and he’s very loveable, once you get to know him.
Joey: Oh well, hey, Joey’s loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he’ll be there.
Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he’ll be there. And he’ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you’re really hot.
Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say?
Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all right, I don’t—maybe I’ll just name him The Hulk.
Joey: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it! That’s what I wanted to name my kid!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting ready for a date with Joshua.]
Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. (She’s holding two frilly, lace nighties.)
Monica: Y’know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people’s sex clothes.
Rachel: Sorry. I’m so exited! I’ve been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I’m making him a very fancy meal.
Monica: Um-hmm.
Rachel: What am I making him by the way?
Monica: Well, you’re making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup.
Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon?
Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you (Points at Rachel) bitched about it, then you (Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you (Points at Rachel) would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.
Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: So uh, Emily called last night…
Chandler: And now you’re giving me the message!
Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they’re going to the theatre together! They’re going to dinner! They’re going horseback riding!
Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun!
Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great."
Chandler: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan?
Ross: Hey, they’re going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y’know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful—didn’t you see Personal Best?
Joey: No, but I’m gonna!
Chandler: Hi! Hi! You’re crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight.
Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her!
Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I don’t like the name Ross.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I’m down.
Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby!
Ross: Oh. What’s wrong with Ross?
Phoebe: Well, it’s just y’know that something like this would never to like The Hulk, y’know…
Ross: Actually that-that’s not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found… (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.) Y’know, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend’s a lesbian. (Leaves.)
Phoebe: So, I decided I’m definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler.
Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler.
Chandler: Raymond Chandler.
Joey: Someone you didn’t make up!
Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joey’s. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco.
Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us.
Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it’s like y’know, Chanoey?
Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he’ll never be President. There’s never gonna be a President Joey.
Joey: All right look man, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It’s not even a name; it’s barely even a word. Okay? It’s kinda like chandelier, but it’s not! All right? It’s a stupid, stupid non-name!
Chandler: Wow, you’re, you’re right. I have a horrible, horrible name.
Joey: I’m sorry man, I didn’t—I’m-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.)
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: So I guess it’s Joey then!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with Joshua.]
Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this.
Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in!
Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good!
Rachel: (taking a bite) Hmmm!
Joshua: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is so—this rice is so—I am so good.
Joshua: Behind you?
Rachel: (sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over.
Joshua: (getting up and backing away from they.) Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It’s just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out!
Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay.
(Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joey’s door.)
Joey: (answering the door.) Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. (He brings them inside.)
[Cut back to Rachel’s date.]
Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh?
Joshua: Yeah, it’s-it’s my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would’ve told you about it, but I didn’t know they would be here.
Rachel: Oh.
Joshua: So, all right.
(They both sit back down.)
Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of—What? What? What? (She sees that Joshua isn’t relaxed.)
Joshua: Nothing I uh, it’s just that I know that they’re still out there.
Rachel: But, they’re across the hall! I mean that’s two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here.
Joshua: Okay, that’s-that’s not funny. Uhh.
Rachel: Okay, y’know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y’know go to your apartment.
Joshua: Oh, they’re working on this week, it’s a total mess. But uh, I’m staying at my parents’ house, we could go there.
Rachel: Your parents’?
Joshua: Yeah, they’re out of town.
Rachel: Ohh.
Joshua: Yeah-yeah, it’s this huge place, and-and it’s got this gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say?
Rachel: Yeah that works.
(He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears the duck.)
Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear.
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.]
Ross: (opening the door.) Hey!
Carol: Hey! How’s Ben?
Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, "No." So, he’s sweeping. (We see Ben playing with a broom and a dustpan.)
Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey!
Ross: So umm, any word from Susan?
Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said she’s having sooo much fun with Emily.
Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don’t know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun?
Carol: What’s too much fun?
Ross: Y’know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married.
Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid!
Ross: Am I?!
Carol: Yes!
Ross: Am I?!
Carol: I can’t speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.
Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y’know? Say-say they’re coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they’re laughing, y’know, someone innocently touches someone else… There’s electricity, it’s new. It’s exciting. Are you telling me there isn’t even the slightest possibility of something happening?
Carol: Maybe.
Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn’t really believe it until you just said it!!
[Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering.]
Joshua: …and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me!
Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous!
Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room.
Rachel: Whoa-whoa, there’s two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must’ve been a real babe magnet.
Joshua: Yeah, well, it would’ve been, but uh, my parents just moved here.
Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out?
(They kiss.)
Joshua: Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later?
Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up?
Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it’s down the hall and uh, second door to your left.
Rachel: Ah.
(She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.)
Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling!
Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here?
Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short.
Mr. Burgin: France sucks!
Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here.
Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more!
Mr. Burgin: We’ll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we’ll be right out of you hair.
Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn’t even get to Italy?
Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks!
(They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.)
Rachel: Hi you!
Joshua: Oh my God!
Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook.
(Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.)
Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, continued from earlier.]
Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents…
Rachel: Ohh! It’s so nice to meet you. (She goes over and shakes their hands.) Hello.
Mr. Burgin: Hi.
Rachel: Hello.
Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.
Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not—that’s-that’s not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It’s-it’s, they’re-they’re wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale’s, so… And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report back, "USA not ready."
Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A?
Rachel: Yes!
Joshua: There you go.
Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet?
Rachel: Well, we were going to do that after—I mean umm, next.
Mr. Burgin: Well, we’re starving, why don’t we all go get something to eat?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, well… Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin’ around the house.
Mr. Burgin: So… We go eat.
Rachel: Yes.
Mr. Burgin: You’ll wear that. We’ll be eating, and of course, you’ll be wearing that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is looking for a new name in Phoebe’s book of names.]
Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said!
Chandler: No, no, you’re right, it is a ridiculous name!
Joey: It’s not that bad.
Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So, you’re just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe: Umm, Gene.
Chandler: It’s Clint. It’s Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.)
Joey: See you later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It’s Clint! Clint!
Joey: What’s up with Gene?
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe and Monica of her date.]
Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner?
Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: Oh, no!
Rachel: No, it’s all right. I got nice boobs. (Phoebe and Monica nod there heads in agreement.)
Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together!
Rachel: So?
Ross: So! Poetry? Susan’s gay! They’re being gay together!
Monica: Emily’s straight.
Ross: Oh, wake up!
Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up!
Ross: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I don’t know what sycophant means, but the rest is right.
Ross: Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person.
Rachel: Huh.
Ross: What?
Rachel: She’s totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on.
Monica: This totally makes sense!
Ross: It does not!
Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren’t jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you!
Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until ‘92-93 he was very trusting, then ’94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city!
Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely!
Monica: This is so much fun!
Ross: This is not fun!
Monica: Look, all we’re trying to say is, don’t let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily.
Phoebe: Yeah. The ’92 Ross wouldn’t.
Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing.
Rachel: What—yeah—what, y’know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is showing off more of her drum skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back and forth across the drum.]
Phoebe: Drum roll.
Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?
Joey: Nah, you’re not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney.
Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse.
Phoebe: You’re actually going through with this?
Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it’s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women… So, as of 4 o’clock tomorrow, I’m either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson.
Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact—yes, (To Joey) I’m, I’m sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I’m-I’m, I’m gonna, I’m gonna name the baby Chandler.
Chandler: (pleased) Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to keep the name too!
Chandler: Okay. Thanks.
Phoebe: Okay!
Chandler: You wanna hug it out?
Phoebe: Yeah!
(They both hug.)
Phoebe: Yay!
Chandler: Yay!
Phoebe: Yay—oh—yay! Okay, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now!
Chandler: Okay!
Phoebe: Ooh, uh… (She grabs her coat and runs out.)
Chandler: Bye, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Okay, bye!
(She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler turns to Joey and…)
Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Joey: Ohh! (Realises it was all a trick to get Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: the airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.]
Ross: Nice luggage.
Carol: I was gonna say…
(Susan and Emily get off.)
Susan: Hey!
(They both run and hug they’re respective partners.)
Ross: Hi!
Emily: Hey! I missed you.
Ross: Oh, I missed you too.
Susan: (To Emily) Thanks for everything, I had such a great time.
Emily: Oh, so did I.
(They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.)
Ross: (To Carol) No tongue. (And gives her the thumbs up.)
END

多云有时晴

419 The One With All The Haste
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom; Rachel is awoken by a man singing in the next apartment.]
The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Morning’s here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The morning’s here!
Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It’s Saturday!
The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning’s here! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!
(Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica are eating breakfast.)
Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!
Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! Morning is here—
Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.
Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did.
Rachel: Monica, you don’t even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!
Monica: Y’know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live!
Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Monica: Okay.
Joey: See, this is a great apartment.
Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Ross’s bedroom; Ross and Emily are making out. Ross as a new feature.]
Emily: Oh, blimey, I still can’t believe you’ve got an earring!
(Yep, it’s a little gold loop.)
Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like he’s jamming.)
Emily: He does that?!
Ross: Uh, I don’t know, whatever.
Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous.
Ross: Oh, I know. Y’know what, I never would’ve gotten this if it weren’t for you. No really, when I’m with you I’m-I’m like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy!
Emily: I love both of you!
Ross: Yeah?
(They kiss.)
Emily: I wish I didn’t have to go.
Ross: Then don’t. Stay here. Just don’t go so soon to London, just one more day.
Emily: Ohh, Ross, please!
Ross: One more day, seriously/
Emily: Don’t do this to me, again. You’d know I’d stay here in a minute, but I’d really miss so much work, they’ll fire me.
Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want.
Emily: I wish I could.
Ross: Oh no. Don’t, don’t, don’t start packing. Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.)
Emily: I don’t think you understand packing. Look, I just don’t want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here.
Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.
Emily: You didn’t!
Ross: No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to be that guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.]
Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello!
Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho!
Phoebe: Excuse me.
Chandler: Your pants!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like ‘em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable!
Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants.
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn’t get it.) Santa Claus’s pants.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh! They’re maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: So—Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves?
Phoebe: I don’t know! How are the-the-the-the, y’know—You’re clothes aren’t funny.
Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game?
Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don’t belong here."
Joey: You have Knicks tickets?
Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad’s season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me.
Monica: Yeah, apparently, they’re pretty good seats.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor!
Rachel: Do you guys want these?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Yeah we do!
Rachel: Ohh, well you got ‘em.
Both: All right!
Rachel: Just give us our apartment back!
Phoebe: Boy! I didn’t see that coming!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth.
Monica: Yeah, what, do you think we’re stupid?
Joey: You’re not stupid. You’re meaner than I thought.
Monica: What do you say?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!
Rachel: You’re bachelor pad?!
Monica: Have you even had a girl up here?
Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.
Joey: Yeah, you do!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets.]
Joey: Come on!
Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?
Gunther: Good one.
Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up the apartment.
Joey: Oh come—look, when I was a kid my dad’s company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn’t in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that!
Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: We don’t make enough fun of you already?
Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it.
Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up?
Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that’s what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing?
Joey: Oh-no, don’t try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear.
Chandler: Where is Emily?
Ross: Ugh, she’s saying good-bye to her uncle.
Chandler: Man, didn’t she like just get here?
Ross: Yeah!! Yeah!
Chandler: Easy tiger.
Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it’s-it’s so great. But at the same time I’m thinking, "Well, I’m gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off."
Chandler: So what are you going to do?
Ross: Nothing! There’s nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she’d have to uh, move here. She should move here!
Joey: What?
Ross: I could ask her to live with me!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?!
Chandler: Because you’ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I’ve got a carton of milk in my fridge I’ve had a longer relationship with!
Ross: Look guys, when I’m with her it’s-it’s-it’s like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y’know?
Chandler: And I love the milk! But, I’m not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.
Joey: All right look, Ross, he’s right. Emily’s great, she’s great! But this way too soon, you’re only gonna scare her!
Ross: I don’t want to do that.
Joey: No! You don’t want to wreck it, you don’t want to go to fast!
Ross: Yeah, no, you’re right, I know, you’re right, I’m not, I’m not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.)
Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something.]
Phoebe: That’s too hard. Too hard!
Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets!
Rachel: Or I’ll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.
Chandler: No thank you.
Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, let’s trade! The timing’s perfect, I just clogged the toilet!
Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can’t leave in the small apartment after we’ve lived here! Didn’t you ever read Flowers for Algernon?
Joey: Yes! Didn’t you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn’t read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight!
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
Joey: It’s the Knicks!
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Joey: Whoa!
Chandler: I didn’t mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
Joey: Huh.
Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!
Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it?
Chandler: No. No. We’re not gonna do that, y’know why? Because its not an even trade.
Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets?
Joey: Done!
Rachel: Let me finish.
Joey: Oh.
Rachel: I’m talking about a bet, winner takes all.
Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing.
Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything.
Joey: Ooh, I like that.
Monica: All right, so what do you say?
Chandler: No!
Monica: Oh, just do it!!
Chandler: Op, op, I’m convinced!
Joey: Come on man, you know I’d do it for you! Because, you’re my best friend.
Chandler: All right, but you can’t use that again for a whole year. I’m in.
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet?
Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she’s the only who’s impartial, and she’s so pretty.
Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh—oh, I have a game!
Joey: Okay!
Chandler: Okay!
Phoebe: This is great!
Joey: What’s the game?! What’s the game?!
Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesn’t have a name—oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn’t have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?
Monica: They’re green?
Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points!
(They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)
Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question.
(He looks to Chandler, who doesn’t have a clue.)
Joey: Uhh, they’re tall.
Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy.
(Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didn’t come up with the answer.)
Monica: That’s not even a game!
Rachel: What? Shut up! We’re winning!
Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say?
Chandler: Fine, let’s do it.
Phoebe: Oh, I have cards!
Joey: Oh.
Monica: Oh, good.
Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay.
Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four.
Chandler: That’s a low one!
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I can’t.
Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.)
Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace!
(Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.)
Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging?
Monica: Because we won our apartment back!
Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace!
Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!
(They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)
Phoebe: I don’t know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha!
Rachel: All right, cut, let’s pick again, pick again.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is high!
Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as…(picks a card) It worked! King!
Chandler: Yeah baby!
Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again!
Joey: Why?!
Monica: I don’t know!
Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That’s courtside baby!
Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back!
Chandler: No they didn’t!
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.]
Ross: Hey!
Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow.
Ross: (laughs) Move in with me.
Emily: What?!
Ross: Don’t be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it’s too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be.
Emily: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there.
Ross: I know.
Emily: My job!
Ross: Well, so, you-you’ll get a job here! I mean, I’m always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you!
Emily: Yeah, but it-it-it’s my whole life—you come to England.
Ross: No, I can’t. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can’t leave him. Isn’t—you don’t think there’s any way?
Emily: Ohh, I don’t think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future –and-and-and we were getting married or something.
Ross: What?
Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldn’t have said married. Uh, please don’t go freaky on me. I didn’t mean it. Well, I didn’t say it; I take it back!
Ross: No, no, don’t. Why don’t we?
Emily: Why don’t we what?
Ross: Get married.
Emily: You are mad!
Ross: No! No! I’m not! It’s-it’s-it’s perfect! I mean it’s better than you just-just moving here, ‘cause it’s us together forever, and that’s-that’s what I want.
Emily: We’ve only known each other for six weeks!
Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who’s-who’s to say? Does that me we-we can’t do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn’t it?
Emily: My parents are going to be really mad.
Ross: Is that—are you saying yes? Is that yes?
Emily: Yes.
(They kiss and hug.)
Emily: Yes!
Ross: Yes! We’re getting married?!
Emily: Oh my God!
Ross: Yes!
Emily: We’re getting married!
Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me?
Emily: Yes.
(He tries to put it on her finger.)
Emily: Ohh, it’s a bit small.
Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!
Emily: It was.
(They kiss.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from the game.]
Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever.
Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y’know, kinda like a peace offering.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that’s very nice. Plus, y’know they were free and they’re too small.
(He knocks on the girls’ door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesn’t even realise it.)
Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)
Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!
Chandler: I KNOW!!!
(They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.)
Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up!
(A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.)
Monica: We’ll discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.)
Chandler: What the hell is going on?!
(It’s Rachel’s turn to open the door.)
Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.)
Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.) Okay, it was my idea, but I don’t feel good about it.
(She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot it in.)
Chandler: We are switching back, right now!
Monica: No, we’re not! We’re not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you’re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we’re switching it back! There’s nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don’t know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don’t want to move again!
Chandler: I don’t care, this is our apartment! And they stole—you stole it—our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I’m getting back right now!
(They open the door.)
Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can’t offer anything to us!
Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and…
Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
[Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.]
Chandler: Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
Chandler: Good night.
Joey: Good night.
(They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both sections of his door.)
[Cut to the girls apartment.]
Monica: Men are such idiots.
Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back?
Phoebe: That’s so funny to think if you’d just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all.
Monica: Yeah, let-let-let’s pretend that’s not true.
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, scarf’s done. (It’s not really a scarf, it’s just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with them Joey and Chandler.)
Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on.
Chandler: Okay!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Monica: What-what’s going on?
Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone.
Ross: Uhh, okay, it’s uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married.
(The gang is stunned.)
Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?!
Emily: Umm, no.
Monica: When, when did—how, how did you…
Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it.
Emily: I mean, we know it’s a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so…
(Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She is stunned speechless.)
Ross: (turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys…
Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks at each other, waiting for Rachel’s reaction.) I think it’s great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, I’m so happy for you!
(Seeing Rachel’s apparently okay with this, the rest of the gang jumps up to congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.)
Chandler: Oh, well, that’s great!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah!
Monica: (to Ross) I can’t believe you’re getting married!
Ross: Yeah. (They hug again.)
Joey: Monica and Rachel made out. (Giggles like a schoolboy and Monica glares at him.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he is awoken by the singing guy.]
The Singing Man: (singing) Morning’s here! The morning’s here!
(Joey joins him.)
Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here!
The Singing Man: Hey! You’re back!
Joey: Hey! (Singing) Get into gear!
The Singing Man: (singing) Breakfast is near!
Both: The dark of night has disappeared!!
The Singing Man: I’ll see you tomorrow morning!
Joey: (happily) Okay!
END