看Friends学英语-Season Seven

多云有时晴

710 The One With the Holiday Armadillo
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the kitchen.]
Chandler: Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michelle’s and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple.
Monica: Betrothed… (Corrects him)
Chandler: …betrothed couple.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a skull) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel and Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Haaaa... (Puts the skull on the table) ... ahhhh!
Chandler{s:1:tongue}heebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Chandler: Skull?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Rachel: (freaking out) Oh my god!!
Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And, you can put candy in it. (She grabs the skull, pulls out a stick of licorice, and takes a bite.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Monica: (Offering Ross the skull) Licorice?
Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year.
All: Ohh! That's great!
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
Ross: Hmm.
(Joey comes out of the bathroom reading a newspaper)
Joey: Hey. (He exits)
Rachel: (to Monica) Did you know he was in there?
Monica: No.
Chandler: How long have we been home?
Monica: About a half an hour.
Chandler: Lovely!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting a cup of coffee and sits down next to Monica.]
Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: Bing's weird.
Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey, you guys!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out.
Monica: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you!
Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.
Chandler: Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again?
Phoebe: Yeah, why not?
Chandler: Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him.
Phoebe: Why do you think, she's having so much fun living with Joey?
Chandler: No reason, except…she…told…me.
Phoebe: Really? So she said, she didn’t wanna live with me anymore?
Chandler: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now.
Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.
Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure?
Monica: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably does.
Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. (Chandler and Monica look surprised) Kind of what ‘probably’ really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kill herself," y’know? I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on "Probably!" Y’know? You gotta take care of yourselves! (She starts to walk out) In this world history teaches us nothing! (Exits)
Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is sitting behind a red drum set.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey! Great, you’re home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas! (Starts drumming.)
Rachel: Drums?
Joey: (yelling) No! Drums!
[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: (to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please? (Laughs.)
Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
Maitre d': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.
Chandler: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00.
Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?
Monica: (pulling Chandler away from the Maitre d') You need to give him money.
Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke!
Monica: No, to get a table! Places like are always shakin’ you down. Everybody wants to be paid off.
Chandler: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money.
Monica: You've got to be smooth about it.
Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)
Maitre d': Of course, sir.
Chandler: Okay. (Walks back to Monica)
Monica: How did it go?
Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the money in it)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben around.]
Ross: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do ya?
Ben: No.
Ross: Well, I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit down on the couch) So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
Ben: Christmas.
Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
Ben: Christmas eve.
Ross: Yes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer, but he doesn’t.) Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly!
Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ben: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Ross: (interrupts him) Okay, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh (Sings) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Ben: (singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...
Ross: (interrupts him again) Okay, it's not a contest.
Ben: When is Santa coming?
Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?
Ben: No Santa? Was I bad?
Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben.
Ben: Santa's mad at me.
Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!
Ben: So Santa's coming?
Ross: (disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming!
[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica are discussing how to bribe the Maitre d'.]
Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money!
Chandler: How do you know so much about this?
Monica: I don't know.
Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he?
Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now.
Chandler: Mustached bastard…
Monica: (sees two people exit) Okay, those people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the money and get their table!
Chandler: (walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse me...
[Chandler can't find his money in the pocket. In the meantime, another couple shows up, and Chandler turns away to look for his money]
Male Guest: (to the Maitre d') Good evening. (Shakes his hand)
Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore)
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]
Rachel: (stopping at Phoebe’s entrance) Ha!
Phoebe: So you like the drums! That's, that's great! Y’know, I was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. All right, okay, well, apparently not! So, yay!
Joey: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. (To Rachel) Ready? One, two, three, four...
[Rachel hits some tom-toms and ends up on the 'crash'-cymbal, which is in fact a ride-cymbal, but whatever...]
Rachel and Joey: Tequila!!
Phoebe: That's fun. (She exits disappointedly.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Chandler and Monica coffee.]
Gunther: Here you go.
Chandler: Thank you Gunther, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes Gunther's hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank you.
Joey: Thank you. (He gets up and puts on his jacket.) (Phoebe enters) Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Here. (Gives her the coins) Now I only owe you $49.50.
Chandler: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey! (she sits down next to him)
Chandler: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in the hallway?
Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying.
Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore?
Phoebe: Maybe on some level.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind the drums wearing safety goggles, hitting them with his sticks as Rachel watches.]
Rachel: Joey, y’know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air.
Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that?
Phoebe: (entering with an aquarium covered by a towel) Hey, Joey, I got you another present. (She puts it on the counter)
Joey: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! (He plays a drum-roll) Okay, what is it?
Phoebe: It's a…tarantula! (Joey almost falls down from his drum-stool jumping up) Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage?
Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?
Joey: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey! (He storms into his room)
Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula.
Phoebe: (sarcastic) Ah, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here. (She turns around, about to leave)
Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Our apartment is ready.
Rachel: And that makes you angry because…
Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with Joey.
Rachel: Where did you get that?
Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Hm?
Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!
Phoebe: (nods along) Fish!
Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal.
Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun over here…
Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.
Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we?
Rachel: We did!
Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight.
Rachel: Oh, I would love to!
Phoebe: Yay, okay!
Rachel: Good, good, good, good, good. (She runs to the drums and gets the sticks)
Phoebe: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask me to make the drumming stop.
Rachel: (with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She goes to the tarantula-cage and puts the sticks into it) Done!
[Scene: Halloween Adventure, a costume shop, there is a salesman behind the counter, Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those pants?
Ross: No, these are my pants.
Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you?
Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?
Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I…uh, you gotta have something.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her.]
Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas!
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross: (to Monica) Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from…Texas.
Ben: Texas?
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.
[Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]
Ben: Wow! Thanks!
Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah!
Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish.
Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too!
Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross: (to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall? (to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the festival of lights?
Ben: Cool!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Come on Ben.
[Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.]
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird…turtle-man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?
Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say.
[They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices]
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you’re wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
[Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.]
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yes, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's okay! (They kiss.)
Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye!
Ben: No! Why does he have to go?
Chandler: Because, if Santa and the Holiday…Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!
Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa!
Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.
Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben: Okay, Santa!
(Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he mouths, "You’re welcome," back.)
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
[Joey enters in a Superman-costume]
Joey: (entering wearing a Superman costume) Merry Christmas!
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel's, they are entering to check out the newly refurbished apartment.]
Rachel: Oh wow! Look at this place!
Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, they’ve made so many changes I can’t even feel my grandmother’s presence anymore—Ooh! New sconces!
Rachel: (yelling from another room) Oh my God!
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: (returning) Okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you really not know where I’m going with this? (Phoebe nods, "No.") It left! It’s one huge room!
Phoebe: Oh no! (She runs to see.) (Running back, excitedly) Oh! Wow!!!
Rachel: See?
Phoebe: Well, I guess we’ll just have to put the wall back up.
Rachel: You can’t, because of the new skylight!
Phoebe: There’s a skylight?! (Runs to see and yells from the bedroom.) Wow!!
Rachel: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place?
Phoebe: (returning slowly) Y’know I’m-I’m sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin’ to feel her again there are we?
Phoebe: A little bit, yeah.
Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?
Phoebe: You heard her too?! You have the gift!
Rachel: Phoebe, it’s okay. I like living with Joey.
Phoebe: Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, it’s closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I’m really gonna miss living with you.
Phoebe: Oh me too.
Rachel: I know. (They hug.) Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I’m gettin’ something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair?
Phoebe: No, I do not hear that.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of Hanukkah.]
Ross: …and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should’ve just lasted just one day, burned for…
Ben: (answering him) Eight whole days.
Ross: That’s right, and that’s why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end.
Ben: Awesome!
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who’s nodding.)
Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, it’s time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)
Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh.
Rachel: (seeing the collection of characters.) Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny’s funeral in here.
Ross: Come on, come on, we’re-we’re-we’re lighting the candles!
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Oh.
(They both go over to light the candles.)
Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny’s funeral?
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.]
Rachel: I got it!
Joey: (yelling from the bedroom) Is it back in the cage?
Rachel: Its back in cage!
Joey: Cage closed?
Rachel: Joey, would you just come out here and stop being such a baby!
(Joey throws open his door and stands there still in the Superman costume then slowly makes his way to the bathroom while keeping both eyes on the cage.)
End

多云有时晴

711 The One With All The Cheesecakes
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.]
Chandler: Ohh. Mmm.
Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi.
Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.
Rachel: Oh, y’know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I—(Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.)—Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.)
Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.
Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief.
Chandler: I—no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box.
Rachel: Why, why not?
Chandler: Because it's too delicious.
Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.
Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma’s Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I’m sorry what?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is there as Joey gets up and starts putting on his coat.]
Joey: All right, I should get going, big day a work. Y’know I’m in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I’m not brain dead.
Chandler: So…
Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it’s just not my character that’s not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight?
Phoebe: Absolutely!
Joey: I’ll see you at 8:00.
Phoebe: Okay. (Joey exits.)
Chandler: Oh, what’s at 8:00?
Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys.
Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today?
Phoebe: Duly noted.
Ross: Thanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.) (To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what?
Monica: What are you talking about?
Ross: Cousin Frannie’s wedding, its tomorrow night.
Monica: You were invited?!
Ross: No.
Monica: My God, I can’t believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable!
Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie’s made some new friends.
Ross: Well l-look okay, it’s probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail.
Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y’know when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn’t have stopped her, there probably wouldn’t even be a wedding to go too.
Ross: Y’know, she tried to undress me too.
Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then sushes him.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly as Phoebe enters angrily.]
Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!!
Rachel: Umm, I think he’s still out. What’s wrong?
Phoebe: Well, I’ll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. (Hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel: (reading the note) "Pheebs, can’t make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." (Laughs) Big Daddy?
Phoebe: Oh that’s a nickname we were trying out.
Ross: Hey, y’know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica shakes her head in disgust.)
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Here’s Joseph Francis!
Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note!
Phoebe: So what?! That doesn’t give you the right to ditch me!
Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex!
Ross: Phoebe he’s right, that is the rule.
Phoebe: I don’t accept this rule. When me make plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I can’t just be a way to kill time ‘til you meet someone better! Y’know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this (Motions that their friendship) is for life!
Joey: Wow! I’m so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much.
Phoebe: Well, it does.
Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I’m sorry. (They hug.) How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I’ll pay for myself!
Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down.
Ross: Hey Joe, while you’re over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?
Joey: The Ross—Is that back?!! (Chandler motions no.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to find Chandler staring at another cheesecake box.]
Rachel: Hi!
Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!
Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what’s the problem?
Chandler: I can’t seem to say goodbye.
Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?
Chandler: Well I’ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?!
Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling… (Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva!
Chandler: (closing the box) Y’know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
Rachel: Yeah and we’ll drop it off downstairs so that we’re not tempted.
Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?
Rachel: Momma’s Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there. Joey is reading a newspaper.]
Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died.
Monica: Joey, that paper’s like a year old!
Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody’s sale is over?!
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn’t a mistake. Ahh, there’s-there’s limited seating in the hall.
Monica: Limited seating?! (Screechingly) I am just one tiny person!
Ross: Well yeah, but she doesn’t know that. I mean, the last time she saw you-you would’ve turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.
Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That’s not the reason she’s not inviting me!
Ross: Oh what’s the big deal?! I wasn’t even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and y’know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we’ll-we’ll leave early as a sign of protest.
Monica: Joan?
Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She’s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed!
Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn’t invited and you got "and guest?!"
Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross’s behalf. I-I think the rule applies here y’know, since she has a chance to get on broad back…
Ross: (interrupting) Not broad backed!
Monica: Wait a minute, y’know, you’re bringing me!
Ross: What? I can’t cancel on Joan!
Monica: Why not?!
Ross: Bec—Did you not hear me?! She’s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? They’re wild! Why do you want to come anyway?
Monica: Because! She’s my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We’re family y’know? Well that’s important to me.
Ross: Okay, all right, I’ll take you. I’ll go call Joan. (Does so.)
Joey: Aww that’s nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life.
Monica: (laughs) We’ll see.
[Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel’s building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.]
Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn’t pay, I thought you paid!
Chandler: So apparently we just don’t pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?
Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.)
Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)
Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she’ll be gone for months.
Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
Rachel: No that could kill her.
Chandler: Well, we don’t want that.
Rachel: No so we’re protecting her.
Chandler: But we should take it.
Rachel: But we should move quick.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.
Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she recognizes someone sitting at the counter.]
Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! That’s David!
Monica: David who?
Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David!
David: (noticing Phoebe) Oh my God!
Phoebe: Oh, you say someone’s name enough, they turn around.
David: Phoebe?
Phoebe: David! (He kisses her cheek) What-what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Russia?
David: Yeah, I’m just, I’m just in town for a conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal!
Phoebe: Well… Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut?
David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them.
Phoebe: Yeah.
David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make…
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn’t know whether I should call or not, y’know I-I was only in town for a few days. And y’know, I didn’t want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and—but I didn’t know if you wanted to see me.
Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you. I…I think about you all the time.
David: Really? Because I think about you all the time.
Phoebe: Really?
David: I mean, there’s a statue in Minsk…
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it’s actually of Lenin. But, y’know at certain angles…
Phoebe: Yeah.
David: Umm, anyway…Do you want to have dinner tonight?
Phoebe: (excited) Yes! Oh no!
David: (disappointed) Oh. Uh, what?
Phoebe: I can’t. I can’t believe I have plans, I can’t. Can you do it tomorrow night though?
David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, y’know, next time you’re in Minsk umm…
Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go over and talk.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight.
Monica: So! He’ll understand!
Phoebe: No he won’t. And that’s not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y’know what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don’t have my principles, I don’t have anything!
Monica: God, you are so strong.
Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of the box.]
Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good!
Chandler: I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: (seeing what they’re doing) What do you got there?
Rachel: Oh it’s umm, it’s tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.)
Chandler: What are you doing tonight?
Joey: Huh? Uh… (He starts taking off his pants.)
Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.)
Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I’ve got those plans with Phoebe, why?
Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00.
Joey: What?! Tonight?!
Chandler: That’s what Monica said.
Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she’s trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy!
[Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and finding their table.]
Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah.
Monica: Limited seating my ass. Let’s see who made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.) Hi!
The Wedding Guest: Hi!
Monica: I’m Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom?
The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie.
Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! I’m a relative and I didn’t get invited! A blood relative! Blood!!
Ross: (To Monica) Stop saying, "Blood" to strangers.
Monica: (to the couple on her left) So, how about you huh? How do you know the happy couple?
The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door.
Monica: Okay, you’re fine.
[Scene: Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are looking at the menus as the waiter comes to take their order.]
The Waiter: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
The Waiter: Are you guys ready?
Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water’s fine.
The Waiter: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
The Waiter: (To Joey) And for you sir?
Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin’ here?
The Waiter: It’s uh, it’s already been roasted.
Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, we’ve heard the specials three times! Okay? There’s prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.)
The Waiter: Actually we’re out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joey’s menu under his arm.)
Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! (Grabs his menu and starts looking at it again. The waiter leaves.) Y’know what Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important.
Phoebe: (checking her watch) Yeah, I’m very wise. I know.
Joey: Y’know-y’know what I really want?
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Y’know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up.
The Waiter: (returning) Any progress?
Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli.
Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever!
Joey: What’s the rush? What?
Phoebe: W-w—I just—it’s that—I have—y’know I have-I have an appointment. And it’s very important.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it?
Phoebe: Well… It’s a date.
Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn’t schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend!
Phoebe: Come on Joey, don’t make me feel badly about this.
Joey: No, I’m gonna!! That’s right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin’ out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, you’re doing the same thing!
Phoebe: That—It’s not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he’s very special to me.
Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too!
Phoebe: She was?
Joey: Well, she graduated from high school!
Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Y’know what? I don’t have time have time to convince you because he’s only here for four hours, and I’m gonna go see him! (Gets up and leaves.)
Joey: Fine!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: Fine!
Phoebe: Yeah! (She exits.)
Joey: (to the waiter) What are you still doin’ here?! I told you, lobster ravioli!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running up to meet David.]
Phoebe: Hey!
David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn’t think you were coming.
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn’t miss this.
David: Well, I’m very glad you’re here. (Kisses her hand.)
Phoebe: Oh, you’re such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! We’re going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her in the act.]
Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.)
Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are desert stealers! We are living outside the law!
Chandler: Y’know what? I don’t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I’m takin’ it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)
Rachel: What?! What?!
Chandler: Oh yes!
Rachel: Wait a minute!
Chandler: Oh yes!
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don’t!
[Cut to Chandler and Monica’s as they enter.]
Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes!
Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We’re gonna split it! You take half and I take half!
Chandler: Well that’s not fair, you’ve already had some!
Rachel: What? Oh, well then y’know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.
Chandler: What do we use to split it?
Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half.
Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh… There’s more crust on this side. Y’know? So, maybe if I measured…
Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece!
Chandler: All right, I’ll pick that one. (Points.)
Rachel: That’s also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don’t come crying to me if you eat your piece to fast. (As she’s saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!
Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!
Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece.
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don’t come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my… (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)
[Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone as a woman approaches.]
The Woman: Ross, sweetheart!
Ross: Oh, hey Aunt Millie.
Aunt Millie: Isn’t it a beautiful wedding?!
Ross: Yes, yes it is. It’s uh… (Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?!
(Cousin Frannie and her husband enter.)
Monica: Here’s Frannie. Hmm, won’t she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and great Frannie.)
Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn’t bring you here so you can ambush her.
Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom.
Ross: That bitch! (He gets up and they go over to ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannie’s shoulder.)
Frannie: (turning around) Monica! What…
Monica: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?!
Ross: (to Frannie) Hi Frannie, congratulations.
Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What—Why wouldn’t you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! (Frannie’s husband walks up.) Stuart!
Frannie: I believe you know my husband.
(Monica is shocked into silence.)
Ross: So it’s really a question of who could you have possibly done.
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and he’s saying goodbye to Phoebe.]
David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can’t miss my flight.
Phoebe: Are you sure? I’ll bet there’s another flight to Minsk in like…
David: July. Umm, (He speaks Russian.)
Phoebe: That’s really beautiful. What does it mean?
David: Please, clean my beakers. I don’t get out of the lab much.
Phoebe: That’s good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else.
David: Yeah, I… Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn’t because y’know, I…have to leave.
Phoebe: You’re right! You’re right. Don’t say it.
David: I-I do though.
Phoebe: I do too. (They kiss.)
David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.)
Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, now’s not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.
Joey: No! No! No Pheebs, I’m not gonna yell at you. I just y’know, started thinking about you and David and I…remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just… Oh Pheebs, come here. (He hugs her.) Are you okay?
Phoebe: No I’m not okay. The only guy I’ve ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never…I may never see him again. (Crying.)
Joey: Hey, y’know you could always visit him.
Phoebe: Oh right, like they’re gonna let me have a passport.
Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need.
Phoebe: Well—But—Now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y’know before he does, then he can come back. (They hug again.)
Joey: I can give it a shot.
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]
Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it!
Chandler: Stick to your side!
Rachel: Hey, come on now!
(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)
Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging in.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Cousin Frannie’s Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.]
Monica: Oh wait I forgot my wrap.
Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. (Goes to get it, but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which gets her attention.)
Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving?
Ross: Well…
Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on!
(Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.)
Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his mouth on Monica’s wrap and walks off, leaving Aunt Millie stunned.)
End

多云有时晴

712 The One Where They’re Up All Night

[Scene: The Building’s Roof, the entire gang plus Tag are there to look for a comet. They’re looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah, that’s realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.]
Monica: (looking up) Ross, when’s this comet thing start?
Ross: Well, technically it seven billion years ago… (Well, technically you’d be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.)
All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up a leave.)
Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, I’ll stop! No teaching, okay? We’ll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets don’t streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Who’s official name is Bapstein-King.
All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.)
Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn’t Mother Nature amazing?
Chandler: (looking up with her) That’s a plane!
Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that’s pretty amazing too.
Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here.
Rachel: No. No, you can’t.
Tag: What?
Rachel: Oh I don’t-I don’t know.
Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y’know what else makes you wonder?
Ross: Huh?
Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Okay, we’ve been out here for two hours and we haven’t seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler’s getting chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.)
Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, I’m not!
Joey: Then why are you wearing Monica’s jacket?
Chandler: Because it’s flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.)
Rachel: Yeah actually, I think we’re gonna take off too. We rented a movie.
Phoebe: Oh! I won’t say, ‘no’ to a movie!
Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone.
Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here.
Rachel: Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and Ross.)
Joey: (whispering) Ross!
Ross: What?
Joey: Come here, check this out!
Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey’s standing.)
Joey: No! No-no. Look, there’s a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.)
Ross: Joey come—I can’t believe—I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature’s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!
Joey: (standing up) Y’know, there’s two women dude.
Ross: Show me where?
Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.)
Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey where’s the pipe that was holding the door open?
Joey: (annoyed) I don’t know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do.
Ross: Joey!
Joey: What?! All right—Hey! Don’t look at me! You’re the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet!
Ross: It’s called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!
Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandler’s sitting in bed, wide awake.]
Chandler: (whispering) Monica!
Monica: She’s sleeping.
Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?
Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is what’s going to happen to you if you wake me up.
Chandler: Sorry, I just…can’t sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I’m like…(Fake snores.)
Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin.
Chandler: What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.]
Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please don’t be a space ship. Please don’t be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and finds that it’s the smoke detector that’s beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can…
Smoke Detector: Beep!
Phoebe: Don’t interrupt me!!
[Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.]
Ross: Rachel!! Monica!!
Joey: Come on!
(Ross gets fed up with Joey’s banging and stops him by pulling him away from the door.)
Ross: I can’t believe this!!
Joey: All right well, y’know…I guess we know what we have to do to get down.
Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we don’t have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! We’re stuck up on the roof and we can’t get down!!!
Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it out.)
Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasn’t finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But don’t worry! We’re gonna go down the fire escape!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.]
Chandler: Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I’m sorry, I thought maybe I’d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.
Monica: With a wok? (Chandler’s holding a wok.) I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep.
Chandler: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah!
Monica: Here, let me make the milk, I’m up anyway.
Chandler: Hey, y’know what we can do? Y’know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y’know like we did when we were first going out. It’d be fun!
Monica: Okay that does sound like fun.
Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?
Monica: The second sister dies?!
Chandler: (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading.
Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?
Chandler: That’s correct.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Tag are making out on the couch.]
Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? It’s a little more comfortable.
Tag: Sure.
Rachel: Okay. (They start to head for the bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan?
Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his head that it’s not working.)
Rachel: No seriously, y’know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them?
Tag: What contracts?
Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I don’t get.
Tag: Like what?
Rachel: Y’know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag! I’m serious! This isn’t funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today!
Tag: Rach, I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me any contracts!
Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today," and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn’t want to seem to bossy.
Tag: I’m telling you, you never gave them to me.
Rachel: Y’know what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk.
Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk!
Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch!
Tag: You wanna go down to the office right now?
Rachel: No! Come on its late, we’re not gonna go down to the office.
Tag: Okay I understand. (Sits down.) I wouldn’t want to be proved wrong either.
Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks the hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!
[Scene: The Fire Escape, Joey and Ross have reached the last landing. Joey is tugging on the ladder that extends to the ground, but it won’t budge.]
Joey: All right, it won’t go down any further. It’s stuck.
Ross: Ugh. Well, we’re just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there…you go up to the roof and you let me in.
Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!
Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you’ll be fine! It-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y’know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t.
Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?
Ross: Well, I’m gonna lie to you Joey, it’s a possibility.
Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I don’t know Ross! I-I tell you what, let’s flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?
Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is?
Joey: No.
Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful.
Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I’m not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can’t go if I break my leg.
Ross: Well I’m jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won’t have a father if-if I die!
Joey: Well all right so, it looks like we’re even!
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to figure out how to stop the beeping.]
Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. (She points at each as she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to do… (She picks up a shoe and proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then gets up and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns around, and is satisfied that the beeping has stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance to the hallway by the now steady and extremely loud tone emanating from the smoke detector.) (Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica is entering with a mug.]
Monica: Okay, here’s your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.)
Chandler: (startled) What? What? What?
Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I’m sorry. Here. (Hands the mug of milk to him.)
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, Tag and her are arriving.]
Tag: Okay! Feel free to look, but I’m telling you those contracts are not on this desk.
Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I’m talking about! You have to be organized! You’ve got newspapers! You’ve got magazines! You got—Ohh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever.
Tag: It’s my sister.
Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y’know what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.)
Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon?
Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Rachel’s outer office, Tag has finished searching his desk and Rachel comes out to try to plant the folder on the desk.]
Tag: It’s not here.
Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don’t you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there?
Tag: How could I have left them in the copy room?
Rachel: I don’t know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? It’s not a perfect world! Just go please.
Tag: Fine.
Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still don’t get it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler has his eyes closed, while Monica is fully awake.]
Monica: Are you still awake?
Chandler: Yeah! You?
Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesn’t respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as we’re both up…
Chandler: (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you’re not thinking about cleaning the living room.
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey and Ross are still trying to figure out how to get down.]
Joey: Man, I’m starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both!
Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Y’know, y’know I’m lookin’ and I don’t think anyone’s home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y’know explain later.
Joey: Yeah? Really? No one’s home?
Ross: I don’t think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the landing.) When you get in there… (Joey nods his disapproval.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe’s apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.]
Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. (She drops the blanket into the chute.) Noisy bitch!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.]
Monica: What?! What are you doing?!
Chandler: Do you know what just happened?
Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep.
Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex…and you fell asleep.
Monica: Nooo! No, that’s not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked me world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.)
Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica?
Monica: What?!
Chandler: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right!
Monica: Okay. Okay, I’m ready. Come on big fella!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Give me the good stuff.
Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don’t fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn’t move as he gets out of bed and as he’s heading for the door.) And I probably won’t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.
Monica: Okay, I’m up! I’m up!
[Scene: Rachel’s outer office, she’s returning with two coffee cups in hand to find Tag sitting there.]
Rachel: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh… (She looks for a place to set it on his messy desk and he clears a spot for her to set it down.) …fair enough. So! Do you got anything for me?
Tag: Still no luck.
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers!
Tag: Do you want me to check again?
Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He opens the top drawer.) Well, no it’s not in there! (Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points to the bottom one and he opens it. She doesn’t see the folder she planted and bends over to check.)
Tag: Well, it’s not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office?
Rachel: (thinks) Y’know, I don’t-I don’t know. Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her should at Tag, looks into her office, and finds the folder on her desk.)
Tag: (smirking) Any luck?
Rachel: Can I see you in my office for a minute?
Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because she’s still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every ‘good’ boss.) Y’know what? I’m not even going to gloat. I’m just really relived this whole thing is over.
Rachel: You put these on my desk!
Tag: I did not!
Rachel: Oh really? So you’re saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think Dogbert should have a line here.)
Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer?
Rachel: (pause as she realizes her lame attempt to shift the blame has failed) I am so hot for you right now.
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe's apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the smoke detector’s wail.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! How did you get back here?!
A Disembodied Voice: (yelling through the door) Phoebe Buffay?!
Phoebe: (scared) Fire alarm? (She opens the door to reveal a fireman holding the blanket with the smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officer—fireman, can-can I help you?
The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.
Phoebe: That’s not mine.
The Fireman: Yes it is.
Phoebe: How do you know?
The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, don’t wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica."
Phoebe: Okay do you—Okay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America!
The Fireman: Please reattach this, it’s against the law to disconnect them.
Phoebe: Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off!
The Fireman: There’s a reset button under the plastic cover.
Phoebe: There’s a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.) There’s a reset button! My God! Why didn’t I see that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh, God!
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that won’t move and Ross is watching from above.]
Ross: Okay, do-do you have a good grip?
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: Okay, I’m going to start climb down you now.
Joey: All right! Just hurry up!
Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.
Joey: I think face to face.
Ross: I would say that.
Joey: Face to face, yeah!
Ross: Okay, here I go.
Joey: All right.
(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.)
Joey: (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?!
Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight.
(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.)
Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through.
Ross: So what do you want me to do?
Joey: Well, just shimmy down me and drop!
(Ross continues his trek south, and when they get face to face.)
Ross: Hi.
Joey: Hi.
Ross: (looking down) M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me.
Joey: (angrily) Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while!
Ross: It’s still looks pretty far!
Joey: It’s not that far! Just drop!
Ross: Do not rush me!!
(Ross continues south and his now wrapped around Joey’s legs.)
Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin’ to come down and I’m not wearing any underwear!
(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)
Ross: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I—Ooh, a quarter!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they’re cuddling.]
Monica: That really was some of your best work.
Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can’t believe that I’ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work.
Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes.
Chandler: Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes…
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: Do you wanna?
Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I’ll get the furniture polish!
(She runs off leaving a stunned Chandler behind.)
End

多云有时晴

713 The One Where Rosita Dies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joey’s chair and not having much luck at it as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Well, y’know I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that?
Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to…
Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this.
Joey: No. No. No.
Rachel: No?
Joey: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel: I’m sorry, Rosita? As in…
Joey: As in Rosita does not move.
Rachel: Joey, it’s just a chair! What’s the big deal?
Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it’s at the perfect angle so you don’t get any glare coming of off Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie the TV?
Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem?
Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.) Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! (She tries pulling on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.]
Ross: Hey, y’know what’s weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you’re gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That’s weird isn’t it?
Chandler: Couldn’t I just say, "This is Ross?"
Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want.
(Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.)
Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section…
Ross: Yeah?
Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the newspaper.)
Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dad’s house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is…Oh my God!!
Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?!
Monica: I can’t believe mom and dad are selling the house!
Ross: I can’t believe they-they didn’t even tell us!
Phoebe: I can’t believe I still don’t know what happened to the window in the attic!
(Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.)
Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes we’re surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with?
Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the injury to Rosita while Rachel is apologizing to him.]
Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry.
Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don’t, and I did it anyway and her head fell off?
Rachel: Okay, come on—Joey, I’ll buy you a new one! All right? We’ll go down to the store right now and we’ll-we’ll get you a new chair.
Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) She’s not even cold yet!
Rachel: But don’t you think Rosita would’ve wanted you to move on? I mean y’know, she did always put…your comfort first.
Joey: That’s true.
(Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!" face.)
Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready?
Joey: Yeah, I… (Shuts off the TV.) I don’t want Stevie to see her like this.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.]
Ross: I can’t believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger’s gonna be living in my room.
Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it’s time the velvet ropes came down.
Ross: They kept your room for a while.
Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria’s Secret catalogues, not a gym!
Ross: Come on, you know they love you.
Monica: As much as they love you?
Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It’s not my fault.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year!
Ross: What’s wrong with this year?
Phoebe: Well okay, it’s already February and I’ve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!
Monica: That was me and Ross.
Phoebe: Oh that’s right!
Ross: Hey, y’know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing.
Monica: Oh that’s a great idea. You’re really good on the phone.
Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Y’know, I probably wouldn’t have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.)
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called!
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is getting shown to her desk by the supervisor.]
Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.
Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office.
Supervisor: (laughs) Why don’t we do a trial run.
Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please?
Supervisor: I’m the supply manager.
Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs.
Supervisor: We don’t need any toner.
Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah you’re right, this is easy.
Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call?
Phoebe: Oh well, all right…um, no offense, but you were kind of rude.
Supervisor: They’re always going to tell you they don’t need toner, but that’s okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script.
Phoebe: Oh.
Supervisor: So, I think you’re ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions?
Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that he’s not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer’s still cold. Something terrible must’ve happened here! (He decides it’s not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Ross and Monica’s parent’s garage, Ross and Monica are arriving to go through their things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.]
Ross: Dad?
Mr. Geller: I’m here!
Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey!
Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.
Ross: Dad, we-we can’t believe you’re selling the house.
Mr. Geller: Well, it’s time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Ross: (To Monica) Let’s grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.
Mr. Geller: I’m sorry we can’t store your childhood things anymore.
Monica: Oh, that’s okay, I can’t wait to see everything again! All of the memories…
Mr. Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.)
Mr. Geller: So, I think you’re boxes are over here. (They walk over to them.)
Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-who’s cigarettes are these?
Mr. Geller: I don’t know. They-they must be your mother’s, but please, please don’t ask her. I’ll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross finds something of interest in one of his boxes.)
Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym…(He puts it away and finds something else.) Oooh, my rock polisher!
Mr. Geller: Oh look, look there’s your old makeup kit!
Ross: It’s a clown kit! Clown kit!
Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh.
Ross: What?
Mr. Geller: Y’know how the garage floods every Spring?
Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place?
Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica’s boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche.
Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What…(He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God…everything’s ruined! Dad, she’s gonna be crushed!
Mr. Geller: You don’t secretly smoke do you?
Ross: No!
Mr. Geller: So it’s just your mother then.
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard at work.]
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies I’d like to talk to you about your toner needs. (She’s reading from the script.)
[Cut to Earl’s office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebe’s and Earl’s offices with each of their lines.]
Earl: I don’t need any toner.
Phoebe: I’m hearing what you’re saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner.
Earl: Not me.
Phoebe: May I ask why?
Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why?
Phoebe: I surely do!
Earl: Okay, I don’t need any toner because I’m going to kill myself.
(Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.)
Phoebe: (doesn’t have any luck) Umm, is-is that because you’re out of toner?
Commercial Break
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still talking to Earl.]
Earl: Okay, so…no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye.
Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I can’t just let you hang up! Just please talk to me.
Earl: Well…I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his office that reads, "Today’s Tasks: KILL SELF.") I guess I could push it back.
Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself?
Earl: It’s just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist!
Phoebe: Chandler?
Earl: I-I’m sorry?
Phoebe: No look, I-I’m sure that people know you exist!
Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I’ve been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one’s even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh, I’m gonna kill myself! (There’s no response; no one even looks up.) I’ll get back to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.]
Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)
Rachel: You will like it!
Joey: No I won’t.
(Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.)
Rachel: You don’t even know!
Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I don’t like! It’s not the same thing!
(Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.)
Rachel: Well look, if you don’t like this…(The audience’s laughter at Chandler’s progress cuts out the rest of Rachel’s line.)
Joey: I don’t know why you say that so soon.
(Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.)
Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, y’know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette.
Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch?
(They enter their apartment.)
Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.
Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Y’know, start the heeling process?
Joey: Well, I guess you’re right. Maybe, maybe I’ll take her down to the incinerator. It’s gonna be so said, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the back, but it doesn’t come off. So he sits down in it, puts his feet up, stands up, and looks back at it.) She’s heeled!
Rachel: That’s weird.
Joey: No it’s not weird, it’s a miracle!
Rachel: It’s not a miracle Joey! I’m sure there’s some explanation.
Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen!
Rachel: Joey, I really don’t…
Joey: (interrupting her) Can you tell me how this happened?
Rachel: Well no.
Joey: Miracle!
Rachel: No, y’know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something!
Joey: Someone like an…angel?
Rachel: That’s right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair. (She sits down in the chair.)
Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.)
[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, continued from earlier. Ross and Mr. Geller are still deciding what to do.]
Mr. Geller: Well, she’ll understand right? It’s not like I did it on purpose.
Ross: Dad that won’t matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her.
Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that?
Ross: Well, can you blame her?
Mr. Geller: Well I don’t know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could…
Ross: Dad, dad I don’t want to hear about it.
Mr. Geller: Really?
Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, we’re gonna give her some! Okay, grab…grab some empty boxes. Okay? We’ll-we’ll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers we’ll-we’ll put ‘em in their.
Mr. Geller: Great!
Ross: Like uh y’know like this! This! (He picks up one of those art projects that kids make in kindergarten and first grade.) She-she could’ve made this!
Mr. Geller: Sure!
Ross: Right? And this! (He picks up a trophy) She-she could’ve won this!
Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This could’ve been hers!
Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this?
Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? I’d feel better.
(Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monica’s new boxes.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting the now heeled Rosita as Rachel is sitting in the newly arrived Francette. Francette is one of those new chairs from La-Z-Boy that has and does everything except cook and go to the bathroom for you. It’s got a small refrigerator under one armrest it has phone jacks for the Internet and regular phone, and so much more.]
Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chair’s fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself!
Joey: Yeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in disgust.)
Rachel: Hey, how’s…how’s the uh, miracle chair?
Joey: Fine.
Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Y’know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest!
Joey: No. Really?
Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio!
Joey: (quietly) My chair heels itself.
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still trying to talk Earl out of suicide.]
Phoebe: Earl, you’re not hearing me! All I’m saying is that you’re not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didn’t mean him.)
Guy: (walking past Earl’s desk) Hey guy!
Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you.
Earl: No! That’s just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! He’s the worst! I’d like to take him with me!
Phoebe: All right so Earl, let’s just forget about the people at the office, okay? There-there’s gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?
Earl: (laughs) Yeah! Right!
Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend!
Earl: Oh no.
Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything!
The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy!
Phoebe: Yeah, he’s gotta go.
Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: No! I’m not finished yet! Don’t! Don’t you dare hang up on me!!!
Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girl’s good.
[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross are finishing up recreating Monica’s memories as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey guys! Hey!
Ross: Hey.
Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days.
Mr. Geller: (overacting) That’s a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days!
Ross: (overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.) Oh, this will make a great memory.
Monica: (wary) Okay. So, which boxes are mine?
Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here. (Pointing to the boxes they just created for her.)
Monica: Okay. (Starting to go through them) Oh! A coloring book! (Holding it up.)
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book.
Monica: (looking through it) Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.
Ross: Nu-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.)
Monica: (holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove?
Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove.
Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I can’t believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.)
Ross: Oh, I don’t know how that got in there.
Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This isn’t mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isn’t, this isn’t my stuff! Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes?
Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm…
Monica: What?
Ross: Dad?
Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. I’m sorry.
Monica: Just mine?
Mr. Geller: I’m afraid so.
Monica: So why-why wasn’t Ross’s stuff ruined? (Pause) And if you say the words medical marvel I’m going to Easy Bake your head!
Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
Monica: So wait, Ross’s stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!
Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff.
Monica: I can’t believe this! (Storms out.)
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! I’m having one. (Takes out and lights a cigarette.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Chandler!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest?
Chandler: Yeah, I’d love to but I’ve tried that so many times they won’t even let me in the store anymore.
Rachel: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment?
Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year?
Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. (Which is an actual product by the way, I’m not sure about the 3000 part.)
Chandler: That’s awesome! That’s great! What made you do it?!
Rachel: Well, it’s a long story, but umm I broke Joey’s chair…
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey’s chair?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: I thought I broke Joey’s chair! That’s why I replaced it with mine!
Rachel: Ohhhhh. That’s how it got fixed!
Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?
Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels.
Chandler: I’m gettin’ my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachel’s.)
Rachel: What? Wh-hey!
(They enter Joey and Rachel’s to find that Joey has broken Chandler’s chair.)
Joey: Well, it looks like it wasn’t heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.)
Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!!
Joey: Your chair?!
Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs!
Joey: So, there was no miracle?!
Rachel: No Joe, no miracle.
Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I’m so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.
Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don’t get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back!
Chandler: I think I should get the chair!
(Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.)
Joey: How do you figure?
Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn’t broke a chair, is me!
Rachel: No-no-no! This chair’s not going anywhere.
Chandler: Well, where’s the logic in that?!
Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half!
Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!
(Joey whispers in Rachel’s ear to confirm his response.)
Joey: That’s right!
Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!
(They confer again.)
Joey: Yeah! We are!
(Rachel whispers in Joey’s ear.)
Rachel: We’re the Cobras!
[Scene: Earl’s Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (to Marge) Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? He’s the supply manager around here.
Marge: Sorry, I don’t know any Earl.
Earl: (screaming) I’m right here!!!!
Phoebe: (goes over to his desk) Earl! I’m Phoebe.
Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner?
Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you can’t kill yourself.
Earl: (exhales) Look, um I really appreciate your coming down…
Phoebe: No-no I can’t! I can’t let you do it!
Earl: Why?!
Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call you today!
Earl: I thought it was toner.
Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isn’t even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, you’re my first call! And-and somebody else might’ve hung up on you, but I wouldn’t do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself.
Earl: Really?!
Phoebe: Yes.
Earl: How?
Phoebe: I’m not gonna give you tips! Look don’t you see that this-this…this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this.
Earl: Couldn’t it just be a coincidence?
Phoebe: No, it’s fate!
Earl: It doesn’t really seem like enough to be fate.
Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay here’s a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager.
Earl: I’m actually the office manager.
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl.
Earl: Well, was there anything else?!
Phoebe: Sure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you from?
Earl: Philadelphia.
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, I’ve got-I’ve got goose bumps. (She holds out her arm.)
Earl: (inspecting it) Really?
Phoebe: Well, y’know I’m wearing layers and it’s warm.
Earl: Yeah-yeah.
Phoebe: But if—no look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot!
Earl: (To All) Did you hear that?! I don’t need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished they’d care just a little bit though.
Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t-I don’t think it’s you. This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys! (Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, it’s you.
Earl: Yeah.
[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, Monica is picking through her ruined childhood heirlooms with Ross.]
Monica: Oh, this terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. (She picks up some kind of furry thing.) It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and I don’t even know what it is! Ohh, it’s still soft. (She rubs it against her cheek.) What do you think this is?
Ross: All right. I think it was a mouse.
(Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Ross’s sweater to clean them.)
Mr. Geller: (entering) How are you honey?
Monica: How do you think I am?! You’ve wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face!
(Ross gets up to let his dad sit next to Monica.)
Mr. Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, I’m sorry about everything that happened and I’d probably never be able to make it up to you, but here’s a start. (He hands her a small box.)
Monica: (opening it) What’s this?
Mr. Geller: It’s the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche.
Monica: (shocked) What?!
Ross: (even more shocked) What?!!!
Mr. Geller: I’ve been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother’s right, I do look like an ass.
Monica: Wait, you’re giving me your Porsche, you’re kidding me right?!
Ross: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?!
Mr. Geller: (To Monica) Why don’t we take it for a spin?
Monica: All right!
Ross: Well, what about me?! I’m a medical marvel!!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in Joey’s lap on Francette, and they’re both groaning.]
Joey: Oh yeah.
Rachel: Ahhhh….
Joey: Ahhh…… (To Rachel) Eh?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Monica: (entering) Hey guys!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Do you guys know what happened to Chandler’s barca lounger?
Rachel: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it.
Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca lounger’s gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.)
End

多云有时晴

714 The One Where They All Turn Thirty
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel’s door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on noisemakers.]
Ross: Happy birthday!!!
Monica: Happy birthday!!!
(Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.)
All: Rach! Come on! Rach!
Monica: It’s your birthday!
Tag: (entering from her room) Hey.
Chandler: (To Monica) She’s not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don’t use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)
Joey: They do!
Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!
Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes!
(There is no response from Rachel.)
Ross: We’ve got presents!
(She opens the door.)
Rachel: Good ones?
Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
[Flashback to Joey’s thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]
Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebe’s lap for comfort.)
[Cut back to Rachel’s party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.]
Rachel: Y’know, I’m still 29 in Guam.
Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?
Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?
Chandler: No Rach, it’s not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn’t that much fun.
[Flashback to Chandler’s thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]
Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! We’re all gettin’ so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel’s still down.]
Monica: Rach, you’re in a great place in your life. Come on, you’ve got a great job! Good friends…
Joey: Yeah, you’re roommate is a soap opera star.
Rachel: Look, y’know I know my life’s going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who’ve accomplished so many other goals by the time they’re thirty.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn’t compare yourself to me.
[Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.]
All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on!
Rachel: There you go!
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That’s it!! That’s everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!
Tag: Come on, let’s have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do today?
Rachel: Nothing. I don’t want to do anything.
Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.
Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child!
[Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course, ‘better’ is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why don’t the British make computers? Because they couldn’t figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gang is all staring at his new purchase.]
Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?!
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross: That’s not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.
Joey: Hey, what’s the horsepower on this thing?
Ross: (giddy) I don’t know, but-but look how shiny!
Monica: I can’t believe you bought this.
Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know it’s really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud?
Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
(He starts the car and surprisingly in fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. He’s completely boxed in and can’t move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.)
Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.)
Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, who’s next?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.]
Rachel: Y’know what? I am going to do something today. I’m not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I’m gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.
Phoebe: Really?! ‘Cause y’know that hurts.
Rachel: So what?! Y’know what? The way I see it—(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)—Ow! Son of a bitch!!
Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you’re going through. I’m totally freaked about turning 25.
Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment.
Monica: All right Rach, for what it’s worth, I think that you’re doing great. I mean y’know let’s face it, no one handles this well.
Phoebe: Least of all you.
Tag: Why? What you’d do?
Monica: Weren’t you asked to leave sonny?
[Flashback to Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica’s gonna be here any minute!
Joey: But it hurt’s my Joey’s Apple.
Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It’s not named for each individual man.
(Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) You’ve done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can’t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can’t believe that you would have a tux that’s thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller’s shoulder.)
Mr. Geller: It’s older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She’s coming!
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
Mr. Geller: Crap.
(We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.)
Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what’s going on.
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachel’s door.)
Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.)
Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk?
Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joey’s doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!
Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
Monica: Noo!!!
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: Noo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of.
Chandler: Okay, here’s the thing. We’re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you’re drunk.
Monica: Really?! You promise?
Chandler: Yeah, I’ll take care of it.
Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath.
Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on him.)
Chandler: That’s still yours. Okay, now remember it’s a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
Monica: Okay. I can do that.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
All: Surprise!!!
(Monica screams and they all stare at her.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross’s birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is directing him.]
Ross: Okay, forward. Forward—Stop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, back—Stop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forward—Stop! Stop! Stop!
Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy’s got you totally wedged in.
(A beautiful woman approaches.)
Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours?
Joey: Well actually…
Ross: No-no-no! It’s mine! It’s-it’s mine. (The woman walks away.)
Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car.
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Okay, I’m gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
(The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross who’s tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe’s birthday, she’s taking the hippity-hop to Ursula’s apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) It’s for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe: Because it’s our thirtieth birthday.
Ursula: Yeah, no we’re not thirty. We’re 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ursula: Oh, it’s you.
Phoebe: Yeah. What?!
Ursula: Yeah, we’re not thirty, we’re 31.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Ursula: Yea-huh! That’s what is says on my birth certificate.
Phoebe: You have your birth certificate?
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Phoebe: Our mom.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate?
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela?
Ursula: Yes.
Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Phoebe: That’s my first name.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
[Scene: Monica’s birthday, it’s just after the surprise.]
Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.
Monica: Yay!
Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who’s sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller who’s standing next to him.)
Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! (Starts to get up.)
Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Don’t get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow.
(They continue their trek.)
Monica: (sees someone) Paul!
Chandler: (correcting her) Phil.
Monica{s:1:tongue}hil!
Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) you’re doing great. You’re doing great. You’re doing fine.
(Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.)
Phoebe: Hey, what’s going on?
Chandler: Monica’s a little drunk.
Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica!
Monica: Awwwww… (Giggles.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn’t want her parents to know she’s drunk.
Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Here’s what we’ll do, I’ll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one’s will even notice her.
(Chandler walks over to where the rest of the gang is.)
Rachel: What’s-what’s going on? Phil’s really pissed!
Chandler: Monica’s wasted.
Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please!
Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.
Joey: Yep. (Starts for Monica’s room, but Chandler stops him.)
[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel.]
Tag: (handing his to her) This one’s from me.
Rachel: Ahh!
Tag: It wasn’t on your list, but hopefully you’ll think it’s really fun.
Rachel: (opening it) A scooter! (She’s not happy.)
Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.
Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next!
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Now that you’re a couple, we don’t get two presents from you guys?
Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card!
Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! It’s better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) That’s funny, yeah!
Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! It’s funny!
Chandler: No, because you’re not a grandmother!
Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don’t have any of those things. That’s why it’s so funny. (Runs into her room crying.)
Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.]
Ross: Hey! Look who’s back! It’s the birthday girl! How’s the birthday girl feeling?
Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think you’re bumming out the rest of the kids.
Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.)
Rachel: Okay! Y’know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids…
Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
Rachel: As I was saying… I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I’m 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!
Phoebe: If you could do that, I’d marry the hippity-hop.
Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant…
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it’s happening!
Rachel: No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years—Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty.
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned—(Removes two candles from the cake)—twenty-eight!
Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
Joey: Will you quit hoggin’ it!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica’s birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel.]
Rachel: (To Chandler) I’m telling you it’s like watching Bambi learn how to walk.
Ross: (To Monica) You’re drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe I’m a little drunk.
(Monica sits down on the barca lounger.)
Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh that’s great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.
Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling?
Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now! (Growls and pulls him into a kiss.)
Ross: I really wish that you wouldn’t.
Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don’t talk to anyone.
Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Let’s hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
Chandler: Pheebs!!
Phoebe: Don’t you see? Everyone’s looking at me! The plan’s working! I didn’t even have to take off my top yet!
Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica!
Ross: Come on!
All: Come on! Speech!
(Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and Chandler runs over to catch her.)
Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you can’t keep your hands off her for one second!
Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think it’s nice.
Chandler: I think it’s necessary. (Backs away anyhow.)
Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends…
Phoebe: (screaming) Wooo!! Hoo!!
Monica: I really like to say that I’m-um… (Pause) Y’know what I’d really like to say? I’m drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) That’s right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dad’s hands.) And guess what! I’ve been drunk before! And I’ve smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It’s all okay. It’s okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) Okay quick, help me get this off! (Motions to her top.)
Joey: Yeah!!
(Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe’s birthday, she’s telling everyone what she found out at Ursula’s while sitting in Central Perk.]
Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can’t believe it! This is so unfair!
Joey: Oh, I don’t know Pheebs. It’ll be okay.
Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?
Joey: That’s not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal!
Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I…I haven’t done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!
Joey: Like what?
Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I haven’t met any Portuguese people! I, I haven’t had the perfect kiss! And I haven’t been to sniper’s school!
Monica: Phoebe, y’know why don’t we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?
Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I’ll see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.)
Rachel: Hey. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor Pheebs.
Joey: Hey, y’know what you guys? I think I’m gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.)
Monica: Oh man!
Chandler: What?
Monica: He’s gonna eat the cake!
[Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.]
Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe that’s one thing you can cross off your list.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
(Joey starts to walk away, but stops.)
Joey: Oh, and plus I’m 1/16th Portuguese.
Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.)
[Scene: Ross’s birthday, his car is still trapped in it’s spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.]
Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We’re gonna pick it up…and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We’re gonna lift the car…and slide it out. Lift and slide!
Rachel: Ross, I really don’t think…
Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!
Chandler: Okay, here we go.
Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They and try to lift the car, of course it doesn’t raise up) And slide!! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.)
[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.]
Rachel: Hey Joey, can I…
Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started!
Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?
Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I’m not your mother.
Joey: Okay! (Runs off downstairs.)
Rachel: Not in the street!!
Joey: Yes!
Rachel: (to Tag) Hi.
Tag: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?
Rachel: Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m um…let’s talk.
Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)
Rachel: Umm…
Tag: What’s up?
Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm…you’re such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don’t-I don’t…
Tag: Wait! I think I see where you’re going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.)
Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I’m past the point where I think I can y’know, just have fun.
Tag: Rachel, don’t do this. This is just because you’re turning thirty.
Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you’re just a kid! I mean you’re 25!
Tag: Twenty-four actually.
Rachel: Oh God! Y’know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I’m wishin’ for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.
Tag: Me too.
Rachel: Yeah, I’m sorry. (They hug.)
[Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment after breaking up with Tag.]
Chandler: Hey! How’d it go?
Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
Phoebe: You did the right thing.
Joey: (entering, limping, and holding his arm) I don’t like this anymore. (He sits down with them in pain.)
Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.
Ross: God, do you realize in ten years we’re gonna be 40?
Joey: (crying) Why God?! Why are you doing this to us?! (He buries his head in Ross’s shoulder.)
[Scene: Ross’s birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left.]
Ross: Yes! My baby’s finally free!
Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Let’s go!
Ross: (starting it) Woohoo!
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)
The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? (He drives off.)
Ross: You wanna buy a car?
Joey: No.
(Ross shuts it off and they get out.)
Ending Credits
{Transcriber’s Note: There was no credits scene with this episode.}
End

多云有时晴

715 The One With Joey’s New Brain
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.]
Monica: I’m glad you’re here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh…
Ross: What’s the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, it’s just y’know…
Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding.
Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.
Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem?
Rachel: (crying) It’ll be a short one.
Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Rachel: Ohhh…
Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
Chandler: Too?
Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.
Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?
Ross: Sorry, I’m kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)
Joey: (entering, excited) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and…
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you’re not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!
All: Oh!!
Chandler: That’s great!
Joey: And-and-and not only that, I’m gettin’ a new brain!!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain?
Joey: Oh well, they’re killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross: What? A brain transplant?!
Joey: (seriously) Yes, it’s a highly controversial procedure.
Ross: It’s ridiculous!
Joey: Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t had sex in three and a half months.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) It’s winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Rachel and Monica: Noo!!
Monica: She’s my favorite character on DOOL.
Joey: Nice.
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people’s faces, I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen her finish a beverage.
Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Wouldn’t you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.)
Chandler: Don’t do it.
Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.
Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she’s been on the show forever, it’s gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remoray’s body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Opening Credits
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk]
Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay.
Phoebe: Yeah? Why?
Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy.
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight.
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone.
Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Phoebe: Yeah… That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.)
Rachel: What? Wait! Why…why do you get the story?
Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: That wasn’t a date! That was, that was just friends getting together…(quietly) having sex.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didn’t think I’d love again.
Phoebe: Nice try.
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Phoebe: I don’t know.
(They edge closer to the phone on the table.)
Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh… (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!!
(She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand and catches it.)
Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.]
Dina: I’m going to keep dating him Mother, and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!
Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?!
Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you.
Dina: Well, at least I’m not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)
Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dina’s head to her other shoulder so that she’s the only one in the picture.)
The Director: Cut!
(Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.)
Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.
Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?!
Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
Cecilia: You’re not the fan who’s dying are you?
Joey: Say what?
Cecilia: I’m supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but that’s not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
Joey: No. No, I’m Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I’m the guy in the coma!
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I’m getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me…
Cecilia: I-I-I’m leaving the show?
Joey: (quickly) I don’t know. Why? Did you hear something?
Cecilia: Who told you that?
Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers.
Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?
Joey: Umm…
Cecilia: Y’know what? It doesn’t matter! Because it is not true!
Joey: Okay.
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I’ve been playing for 20 years—I’ll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)
Joey: Ms. Monroe… (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.]
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that’s not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don’t we, why don’t we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.
Rachel: I don’t think so.
Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but I’d bet you’d be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom.
Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide.
Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I’m sorry.
Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isn’t telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hat’s a steak house!
Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that’s one for you.
Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! He’s got Barney’s on his speed dial.
Phoebe: So you don’t know that’s Barney’s the store! That can be y’know his friend’s house, or a bar. Who has Barney’s the store on their speed dial?
Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.]
Monica: What is that?
Chandler: I think it’s the dying cat parade.
Monica: It sounds like it’s coming from across the street.
Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my God!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Y’know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You’re half Scottish right?"
Monica: Nooo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
[Cut to Ross’s apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. He’s worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window.]
Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It’s not even a song!
Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out some Sunflower seeds as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: How are ya?
Phoebe: Good.
Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy’s cell phone?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!
Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me.
Rachel: You stole the phone!
Phoebe: No I didn’t!
Rachel: No? So you’re saying that if I called it, it wouldn’t ring?
Phoebe: No.
Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebe’s bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebe’s handbag.)
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guy’s phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) It’s for me!
Phoebe: That is damning evidence.
(The cute guy’s phone rings.)
Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that’s him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! It’s Rach… (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!
Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, I’m the one who found your phone.
Rachel: Phoebe! You can’t do th…
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! I’m on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It’s umm, it’s umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y’know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay I’ll see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over?
Rachel: You just said it!
Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just…be alone y’know to think about my mom and her suicide.
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?! That’s the first time today!
Rachel: Ohh! (Exits.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft services table getting some food as Joey walks up.]
Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself I’m partial to…
Dina: (interrupting) I’m 16.
Joey: See you in 2003. (She walks away.)
Cecilia: (walking up) You’re absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and that’s it.
Joey: I’m so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.
Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.
Joey: No I mean it! I can’t believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
Cecilia: Oh you’re right. Thank you! What’s your name again?
Joey: Joey.
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)
The Writer: It wasn’t my decision!
Cecilia: (to him) I’m having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?
Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye—l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, I’m really nervous about-about being you. Y’know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Y’know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
Joey: Oh that’s great! Oh thank you so much!
Cecilia: You’re so welcome.
Joey: Hey! Now, I’ve been watching some tapes, how’s this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!!"
Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me?
Joey: Yeah.
Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesn’t have an English accent.
Joey: (shocked) I can do an English accent?! That baby’s going on my resume!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.]
Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack!
Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh that’s Scottish like you are.
Chandler: Oh no thanks. I don’t like any thing from my Scottish heritage.
Ross: What?!
Chandler: Well it’s just my entire family was run out of Scotland by…Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)
Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
Monica: No! No-no they’re not. They’re still very angry! But y’know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more…
Monica: (interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!!
Ross: How did you know about that?!
Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!
Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?!
Chandler: That’s not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don’t feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because we hate them.
Ross: Come on that’s not fair! I mean you haven’t even heard me play!
Chandler: We have heard you play.
Ross: No, you’ve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I’m not going to tell you what song I’m gonna play either. But uh, let’s just say when it’s over I’ll bet there will be a we bit o’ celebration.
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is getting pointers on how to play Jessica Lockhart.]
Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try.
Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right!
Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He’s not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.
Joey: Okay. Okay. (He goes out and comes back in, glaring at everything.)
Cecilia: Right. He’s not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, it’s a little weird, but it’s getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, I’m gonna miss this woman so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do! I mean, it’s been 20 years of my life.
Joey: Oh well—Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Y’know? It’ll-it’ll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You’re so talented.
Cecilia: I am. I am, but I don’t know you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy.
Joey: Hey that’s not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb—Angelina Jolie!
Cecilia: I probably should’ve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but y’know I just got so comfy here! And… Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
Joey: Like-like what?
Cecilia: Well, let’s just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!
Joey: (impressed) Wow!
Cecilia: But… Well now, now’s a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
Joey: Oh hey come on, don’t-don’t-don’t do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I’m thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" (She’s not buying it.) Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!"
Cecilia: (intrigued) You think I’m hot?
Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-get uh…
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the… (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man’s face. (She does so.)
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that ‘cause she’s so passionate?
Cecilia: No! It’s because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.) Do you wanna try it?
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (He puts his hands on her face and they kiss.)
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like… (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.)
Commercial Break
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the cute guy to show up for his cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by spraying it ahead of her face, and moving into it. Phoebe tries to steal some.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey!
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe and Rachel: (simultaneously) Who is it?
Guy: Hi! It’s Tom, I’m here to pick up the phone.
(Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.)
Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
Rachel: Well why shouldn’t I?!
Phoebe: Because it’s my apartment!
Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)
Tom: Hi!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wow! How long were we arguing for?
Rachel: (laughs) You’re not the man who left the cell phone.
Tom: No that’s my assistant.
Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.)
Tom: Umm, no.
Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one second?
Tom: Sure!
Rachel: We’ll be right back sir.
Tom: Sure.
(They walk into the living room.)
Phoebe: Wh-what do we do?
Rachel: I don’t know!
Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Rachel: I know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.) What?!
Phoebe: Hmm, they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore!
Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to wait.
Phoebe: Rachel, listen—I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one.
Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big!
Phoebe: Yeah! You’re such a great friend!
Rachel: Ohh…
Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh?
Phoebe: Oh that’d be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you.
Tom: Okay. Okay. (Exits and Phoebe checks him out.)
Phoebe: (whispering) Nice!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the living room from Joey’s room followed by Joey.]
Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.
Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
(She laughs as Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
(Rachel stops dead in her tracks when she sees whom Joey is with.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
Cecilia: Well, it’s nice to know that you…
Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monica’s.)
Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel.
Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women’s underwear.
Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Yep.
Monica: (entering with Rachel) Oh my God! It’s true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor?
Cecilia: Certainly.
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
Cecilia: I’d love to, but my lawyer said I can’t do that anymore.
Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice.
Joey: Okay, bye-bye.
Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.
Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.)
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! (To Cecilia) Umm, you’re a stupid bitch.
Cecilia: I really can’t slap you. (Monica walks away angrily)
Rachel: You are so beautiful.
Monica: Nice to meet you! My God you’re great!
Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I…
Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. I’m used to it, don’t worry about it.
Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God!
Cecilia: What?
Joey: They sent me today’s script! They never send the script!
Cecilia: They don’t?
Joey: Well no, I’m just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.) Oh…
Cecilia: How does it happen?
Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses!
Joey: Yeah well, I’m guessing after this she’s not going to be crazy about electricity either.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe.]
Ross: …now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.
Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling secrets?
Rachel: No!
Ross: (stands up) Now umm, remember I’m still learning.
(As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible noises that scares Rachel into retreat.)
Ross: One, two, three, four!
(He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the best bag pipe players in the world would have trouble with that particular song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.)
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
(Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by Phoebe screeching out E’s in tune with Ross. While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.)
Ross: So?
Monica and Chandler: No!
(Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, a scene is being shot where Dina and Fredrick are celebrating Jessica’s horrible accident by drinking champagne.]
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mother’s horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart. (They clink glasses.)
Dina: I can’t believe she’s really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. (They move into kiss but; they’re stopped by Joey entering with a huge bandage wrapped around his head.)
Joey: (as Jessica) I don’t think so.
Dina: Who are you?!
Jessica Lockhart: What’s the matter Dina? Don’t you recognize your own (Does a hair flip) mother?!
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!
Cecilia: (running out to Joey) That was so wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that you’re a better Jessica than I ever was!
Joey: Oh noo…
Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good.
Joey: Thanks!
Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job!
Joey: Great! Hey! All right! Well-well what is it?!
Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!
Joey: The airport?
Cecilia: No that’s La Guardia. (Joey nods in recognition.) This is Mexico.
Joey: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you be gone?
Cecilia: Eight months.
Joey: That’s a really long time.
Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.
Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant again—That is—I tell ya, that is a tricky one!
Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. You’ve, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.
Joey: Good luck.
Cecilia: You too.
(They kiss and both put their hands on the other’s face like Jessica would do.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that earlier. We’re seeing this again, only this time Ross as already started playing.]
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
Phoebe: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!!
(Monica (Courtney Cox) and Chandler (Matthew Perry) are laughing. That then causes Lisa and Jennifer come out of character and start laughing hysterically. And that finally causes David Schwimmer to come out of character and start laughing as well. Matthew decides to sing along now as well.)
Matthew Perry: Eee!! (This causes more laughter.)
Lisa Kudrow: Do it again!
(Matthew mimics the sound again.)
End
(Why was this the trailer? Well, that’s because it was an introduction into the special out takes episode that immediately followed the show. The entire out takes episode, Friends: The Stuff You’ve Never Seen can be read by following this link.)

多云有时晴

716 The One With The Truth About London
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi! Hi Ben!
Ben: Hi.
Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead.
(Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)
Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey’s special romance magazines in there?
Rachel: No. No.
Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear!
Ben: (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe!
Rachel: Ben, its Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever.
Ross: (to Ben) Everything okay in there?
Ben: Don’t talk to me now!
Rachel: Awww, just like his daddy.
Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean’s office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?
Rachel: What-what about Monica?
Ross: Oh, she isn’t home.
Rachel: (nervous) So it would just be, me alone?
Ross: Well, Ben would be there.
Rachel: Huh umm…
Ross: What’s the matter?
Rachel: Well that—y’know it’s just uh, I’ve never done that before. Me and him alone.
Ross: Rach, he’s not an ex-con.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him?
Ross: I don’t know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, I’m gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel: Yeah I think so.
Ross: (To Rachel) I wasn’t talking to you.
Ben: I’ll be okay.
Ross: Okay, I’ll see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in an hour.
Ben: Bye dad.
Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh… (Silence) So this is fun, huh?
Ben: Not really.
Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink?
Ben: Okay.
Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke?
Ben: I’m not allowed to have soda.
Rachel: Okay. Well that’s pretty much all that we have—Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.)
Ben: What’s a virgin?
Rachel: Water it is.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting coffee.]
Monica: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him.
Chandler: You mean the spitter?
Monica: Come on! It wasn’t that bad!
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you’ll be wearing a veil.
Monica: All right, what about the third guy?
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Monica: Can you blame him?
Chandler: Sorry, I just don’t like the idea of when I say, "I do," he’s thinking, "Yeah, I’d do her too!"
Monica: Well then we still have a problem.
Chandler: Yeah!
Phoebe: (returning with Joey) With what?
Monica: Well, we’re trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they’re all either boring or annoying or y’know, can’t stop staring at the ladies. (Points to her chest.)
(Joey nods his approval.)
Phoebe: Oo! You should have one of us do it!
Monica: Phoebe, we’re getting married, married; not sixth grade married.
Phoebe: No! No! It’s-it’s uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
Monica: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal!
Joey: I call it!!
Phoebe: What?! No! It was my idea!
Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.
Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!
Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.]
Rachel: Ben y’know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. ‘Cause I was, I was your daddy’s girlfriend.
Ben: But you’re not anymore!
Rachel: No, I’m not.
Ben: ‘Cause you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey! We were not on a—Okay. That’s fine! Fine. Y’know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?
Ben: When’s my daddy coming back?
Rachel: (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don’t have to share stuff.
Ben: Sharing is good.
Rachel: Oh, you’re one of those. But y’know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.
Ben: Really? Like how?
Rachel: Well y’know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we’d jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they’d put salt on their cereal.
Ben: (laughs) That’s a good one.
Rachel: Yeah? You like that one?
Ben: Yeah, you’re funny.
Rachel: I’m funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I’ve got a ton of these! Umm, oh hear—Do you want a good one? Here’s a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you can’t roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they’re left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.
Ben: Can I do it to you?
Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-I’m funny Ben, but I’m not stupid. Okay?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.]
Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?
Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.
Monica: We’re never gonna find anybody.
Joey: Well then let me do it!
Chandler: Joe…
Joey: No-no-no! Look, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m an actor right? So I won’t get nervous talking in front of people.
Monica: Joey look it’s really sweet…
Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I won’t spit, and I won’t stare at Monica’s breasts! Y’know? Everyone knows I’m an ass man!
Monica: That is true.
Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It’ll be me! And I swear I’ll do a really good job. Plus, y’know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me.
Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know, we haven’t found anybody else.
Monica: It might be kinda cool.
Joey: So I can do it?
Chandler: Yeah you can do it.
Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Okay.
(Phoebe enters slowly.)
Monica: Hey Pheebs, how’s it going?
Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!
Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I get you something?
Phoebe: Oh my God, you’ve got to stop chattering!
Monica: Here, take a couple of these. (She gets up to grab a couple of pills.)
Phoebe: What is it?
Monica: It’s Hexadrin.
Phoebe: Oh no, I don’t believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. (She’s pinching the bit of skin between her right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)
Monica: Okay, while we’re waiting for these pills to kick in, I’m gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some nice soft pillows under your head, I’m gonna turn the TV on and you can watch whatever you want. And I’m—Sit down—(She sits down on the couch)—gonna make you some tea. And then, I’m gonna rub your feet.
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (He’s sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.]
Rachel: Coming.
(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)
Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Rachel: Uh-oh.
Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old… (She is waving her hand up and down her face. She’s thinking about the pencil mark.)
Ross: That’s right! That’s right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
Rachel: Oh that.
Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They’re mean and they’re stupid and-and I don’t want my son learning them!
Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don’t think that’s just a little funny?!
Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right?
Rachel: (looking at his mark) Yes.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are there.]
Phoebe: It’s amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills called?
Monica: Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her purse.)
Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls out the instructions and side affects paper.)
Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff.
Phoebe: Say what?
Monica: Y’know, the possible side affects.
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Starts reading them.) Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache—Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! Now okay, I don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh I’m sorry, extra strength death capsules!
Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there for legal reasons!
Phoebe: Why?
Monica: In case it happens.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing the proof of his ordination.)
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: You did it! You got ordained?!
Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
Chandler: Our minister…
Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She grabs the left side of her torso.)
Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She points to the right side of her torso.)
Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented.
Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I’m going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Yeah!
Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so… (Starts to read the piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler: (To Monica) Should we call the spitter?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to reveal Rachel.]
Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with her as well.)
Rachel: Hi!
Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?
Rachel: Well y’know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What’s up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?"
Carol: Can I ask what—Come on in.
Rachel: Okay.
Carol: Umm uh, I’ll make some coffee and we can uh, chat.
Rachel: I’d love that. I would loooove… (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...
Ben: (jumping up from behind her chair) Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.)
Rachel: I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come here! (She sits down on the coffee table and Ben walks up.) That is exactly why I’ve come here to talk to you okay?
Carol: (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?
Rachel: Yes oh—(To Ben)—Do I want sugar in my coffee? (Ben nods no.) No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben: (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Rachel: Don’t do that.
Ben: Don’t do that.
Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.
Ben: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.
Rachel: Oh damnit!
Ben: Oh damnit!
Rachel: No! Don’t say that! Don’t say that!
Ben: Damnit!
Rachel: No don’t! Go back to repeating!
Ben: Damnit!
Rachel: Oh crap!
Ben: Oh crap!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central Perk.]
Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. (To Monica) Is my face swelling?
Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop being such a baby!
Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one! (Holds up the warning label.)
Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah. O-okay.
Joey: (reading) "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and…" And then I can’t think of a good word for right here. (He points to the stop on the paper where he left off.)
Monica: How about receiving?
Joey: Yes!
Chandler: See Joe, not that that’s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y’know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!
Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?
Chandler: No, not us… (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)
Monica: I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything?
Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes?
Monica: It doesn’t say that!
Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!
Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic stories. Nice stories.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I’ll talk about London! Y’know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won’t say hooked up. I’ll say, "Began their beautiful journey…"
Monica: There you go!
Joey: "…by doin’ it."
Chandler: Joe?
Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together and she’s feeding you strawberries?
Chandler: Isn’t that what happened with you and the bride’s maid?
Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style.
Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Ross’s mom.
Joey: Oh.
Monica: And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much…
Joey: Yeah baby!
Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: But then later that night…
Joey: Yeah baby!
[Cut to London, Chandler’s hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, there’s a knock on the door.]
Chandler: (answering the door) Hey!
Monica: (standing outside) Cute PJ’s! You’re really livin’ it up here in London huh?
Chandler: Well I was… I was exactly expecting company after…(He looks at his watch.) 9:15.
Monica: (entering) Is Joey here?
Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride’s maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you’re not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?
Monica: Wouldn’t you be?
Chandler: Well, look it’s been a really emotional time y’know, and you’ve had a lot to drink. And you’ve just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: You kidding? You’re the most beautiful woman in most rooms… (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we don’t do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: (thinks) That’s the perfect amount!
Monica: Okay!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y’know what’s weird?
Chandler: What?
Monica: This doesn’t feel weird!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You’re a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
Monica: Hm-hmm!
Chandler: Okay!
(They do so and they take off their clothes.)
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica: We’re gonna see each other naked.
Chandler: Yep!
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica: One!
Chandler: Two!
Monica: Two!
Monica and Chandler: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
Chandler: Well I think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we weren’t that close anyway!
Chandler: Eh!
(They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.)
Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey enters. Remember?)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e… (Notices that the TV is turned off.)
Joey: Oh, dude I’m so sorry!
Chandler: No! No! No!
Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! It’s cool! It’s cool! I-I’ll only be a second, I’m still with my bride’s maid, I just—Where are those condoms you brought?
Chandler: They’re in my bag over there. (Points.)
Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandler’s bag by getting as far away from Chandler’s bed as possible.)
Chandler: Uh, could you leave me one?
Joey: (pause) For just you?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Hey listen, why don’t you come downstairs with me? There’s some really nice girls down there.
Chandler: No I-I-I’m fine.
Joey: All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.)
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]
Joey: That’s what that was?! ‘Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me.
Monica: Okay, can we change the topic? Because it’s really doing nothing for me.
Joey: Oh… (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadn’t left you that last one? You two might’ve never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It’s like it was in the stars!
Phoebe: Yeah, it’s totally meant to be. (To Monica) Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: (To Joey) What?!
Chandler: Who did you originally want to hook up with?
Monica: Okay, fine but please don’t be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted…just sex. So, when I…went to your room that night…I was actually looking…for Joey. (Joey smiles.)
Joey: Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No baby!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]
Chandler: (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?
Monica: No because it-it didn’t seem important.
Chandler: Oh, it’s not important? It’s not important?! If it wasn’t for a bride’s maid you’d be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!
Monica: Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It is you that I am marrying! It is you that I feel in love with!
Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv—(Shuts up on Monica’s glare.)
Chandler: I don’t believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I’m runner up.
Monica: Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night?!
Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now I’m a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way you’re doing this wedding now. Okay?
Joey: What?! That’s not fair! It’s not my fault! I was off with my bride’s maid! And who’s to say I would’ve even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I would’ve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
Chandler: Okay, it’s just weird! Okay? I don’t want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need…I don’t know what I need. I need a walk.
Monica: Wait Chandler come on, let’s—it’s not a big deal!
Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.)
Joey: This is crazy.
Phoebe: I know! Robin is so gay!
[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Rachel is talking with Ben.]
Rachel: So now what have we agreed?
Ben: No more pranks.
Rachel: And-and what else?
Ben: That you and daddy were not on a break.
Rachel: Very good.
(There’s a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here?
Rachel: I’m just visiting my good friend Carol.
Ross: Your good friend?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: What’s her last name?
Rachel: Carol…Lesbian?
Ross: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face?
Rachel: What line?
Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) "Dude, don’t you ever was your face?"
Rachel: All right, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you were so mad already!
Ross: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it’s not funny!
Carol: (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!
Ross: Hi.
Carol: What’s not funny?
Ross: Practical jokes.
Carol: Oh I…I think they’re funny.
Ross: You have a line down your face.
Carol: What? (Goes and checks.)
Rachel: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you…
Carol: (yelling from the bathroom) Oh my God!
Rachel: Or Carol! But they’re funny to kids and who is it hurting?!
Ross: Uh, y’know what? I’ll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal’s office wearing nothing but a catcher’s mitt!
Rachel: That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!"
Ross: I will be! Listen, I don’t want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay?
Rachel: Fine. Fine, but I’ll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I’ll go back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that’s what you want!
Ross: No that’s not what I want. Uh, I’m glad you guys were bonding but I…
Rachel: Look he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, somebody’s gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven’t taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn’t know anyway!
Ben: (yelling from off camera) Crap!!
Rachel: I gotta go! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with him.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!
Joey: Chandler, come on nothing even happened!
Chandler: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding…
Joey: No-hey-no! If you don’t want me to do it, I except that. I don’t care about that. I just…I don’t want you to be upset.
Chandler: How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! You’re so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, ‘cause you guys are perfect for each other. Y’know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just…it-it fits. Y’know? And you just know it’s gonna last forever.
Chandler: That’s what you should say.
Joey: What?
Chandler: When you’re marrying us; that’s what you should say.
Joey: Really? I can do it?
Chandler: I’d love it if you would do it.
Joey: Hey! (They hug.)
Chandler: But those are the words! Those exact words!
Joey: Well I don’t know remember exactly but, it’s-it’s pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey I’m sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I’ve got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, ‘Fun Aunt’ Rachel, so…
Rachel: Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don’t we Ben? (He nods yes.)
Ross: Okay, I’ll see you later pal.
(Ross turns to leave.)
Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads ‘Poop.’) Wh—Ah-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can’t do it.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I can’t let him go out that way, he’s got a meeting. (To Ross) You’ve got something here on your back.
Ross: What? (She takes the sign off and hands it to him.) That’s great. That is great. (Crumples up the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
Rachel: Oh I…
Ben: What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
Ross: All right, that’s it! (He runs over to Ben, but he runs past him and out the door.) Come—you—no! You are in big trouble young man!
Rachel: No! Wait! Come on!
[Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross in pursuit.]
Ross: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
Rachel: No you guys… (She walks out into the hallway.)
Ross: I-I-am—(Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the stairs landing just in front of Rachel.)
Rachel: EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! (She runs over to him and finds that it was a dummy and that she had been had.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Hey-hey.
Joey: So are guys doing okay?
Chandler: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important.
Monica: Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.)
Phoebe: I’m really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had hooked up.
[Scene: Monica and Joey’s, Monica is cooking.]
Monica: Honey! Dinner’s ready!
(Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from 420 enters from the bedroom.)
Fat Joey: What’s my little chef got for me tonight?
Monica: Your favorite!
Joey: Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the fridge) fried stuff with cheese!
Monica: Yep! And lot’s of it!
Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. (They kiss.) Okay.
(Joey sits down.)
Monica: Okay, in we go.
(Monica gets behind him and in combination with his sliding the chair forward and her pushing with her leg manages to get up to the table.)
Fat Joey: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! (Groans and picks up a piece of food.) How you doin’?
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe some coffee.]
Joey: Here you go.
Phoebe: (still reading the label) Oh my God! This is a six-hour pill! (Checks her watch) That’s it! I’m out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief!
Joey: Good for you!
Phoebe: Oh, it’s like huge weight has been lifted! ‘Cause look, (reads the side affects) no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, I’m just so happy! Because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria—Oh.
End

多云有时晴

717 The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there. Monica is holding a piece of paper.]
Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six.
Joey: Food? Uh-huh gimme! (She hands him the paper.)
Chandler: So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we’re trying to get to play at the wedding?
Phoebe: Since when are you into swing music?
Chandler: Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands!
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did you book them? Did you call?
Monica: I will.
Chandler: Do you want me to call?
Monica: No, I’ll do it. You just stick to your job.
Phoebe: What is your job?
Chandler: Staying out of the way.
Joey: This is impossible Monica, why don’t you just pick all 15? (Hands back the paper.)
Monica: There were only twelve.
Joey: Oh yeah, I added three.
Monica: What are peanut butter fingers?!
Joey: Oh yeah… (He mimes sticking his fingers into a jar of peanut butter, scooping some out, and eating it off his fingers.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a newsstand.]
Ross: (noticing a beautiful woman moving in down the street) Well hello! She’s cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her?
Chandler: Sure! That’s one of the great things about being engaged. I’m not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore.
The Woman: Could you guys help me? (Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.)
Ross: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you.
The Woman: It-it’s really heavy.
Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, I’m uh, I’m Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly waves.)
The Woman: I-I am Kristen.
Ross: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area, ‘cause if you are…I’d love to show you around sometime.
Kristen: I…I uh, actually just moved from four blocks over.
Ross: Ah.
Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other world.
Ross: Y’know actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. (Kristen crinkles her nose at that.) Before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep! (He stops when he realizes what he’s talking about.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Smooth.
Kristen: (To Chandler) Excuse me? (Chandler does the shy thing again.)
Ross: Umm, say you’re gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight?
Kristen: Oh I’d like that.
Ross: Yeah?
Kristen: Yeah.
Ross: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you. (The box he’s holding.)
Kristen: After you.
Ross: Oh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and heads upstairs.) (When she’s gone.) Oh my God! (He drops the box and Chandler can’t pick it up.)
[Scene: A Bridal Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for Monica who is trying on her wedding dress.]
Phoebe: (wearing a veil) Am I crazy or does this totally go?!
(Monica enters from the dressing room wearing her gown.)
Rachel: Oh my God! You look so beautiful!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica!
Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can’t believe I found it!
(Another woman walks up.)
The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I’d cry.
Monica: Well I’m Monica Geller, ball like a baby.
The Woman: I’m Megan Bailey.
Monica: Have you found your dress yet?
Megan: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could afford one.
Monica: No, I can’t afford this either. No. I-I-I’m, I’m just to figure out which one I want then I’m gonna get it at Kleinman’s, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale.
Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip.
Monica: Yeah! So-so when are you getting married?
Megan: Oh I’m not, I just like to try these on.
Rachel: I do the same thing.
Megan: I’m just kidding. I’m getting married July 25th.
Rachel: I’m just kidding too. (Laughs) I’m getting married in December. (Turns away not happy with herself.)
Megan: (To Monica) So when are you getting married?
Monica: Oh May 15th.
Megan: Oooh it’s getting close!
Monica: Yeah!
Megan: So uh, who’s your photographer?
Monica: Jeffery.
Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did?
Monica: The best man? Wow!
Megan: I know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who’s your band?!
Monica: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings.
Megan: Oh, you’re so lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band Carcass.
Phoebe: Ooh, is that spelled with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’? Oh my God! It doesn’t matter; they’re both great!
(Another woman walks past Rachel carrying a wedding dress.)
Rachel: Oh y’know what? Y’know what? Now that you know what you want you should go to Kleinman’s and get it half off. This place is so overpriced.
The Woman: I own this store.
Rachel: So, does this (The dress) come in another color or… (The store owner walks away.)
[Scene: A Street, Joey is walking by Kristen who is still moving in.]
Joey: (checking her out) Hi! You uh, movin’ in or movin’ out?
Kristen: I’m moving in.
Joey: Oh uh, can I give you a hand?
Kristen: Oh okay. But y’know what? Be careful. Because a guy was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back.
Joey: Boyfriend?
Kristen: No.
Joey: I’m Joey. (They shake hands.)
Kristen: Kristen.
Joey: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! (Pause) What is it again?
Kristen: Kristen.
Joey: Got it! (He picks up a lamp.) So…
Kristen: So uh, do you live around here?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. (Points.) Hey listen; let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop (Points to hers) or you can wake up with your shoes gone.
Kristen: I’ll remember that.
Joey: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
Kristen: Oh I, I have plans tonight.
Joey: Oh.
Kristen: But how about tomorrow?
Joey: Sounds great! Okay all right, well where does this go? (The lamp he’s holding.)
Kristen: You look strong, why don’t I take that and you grab one of the boxes.
Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I’ll grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.)
[Scene: Kleinman’s, a horde of women including Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are waiting for the store to open.]
A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever!
Rachel: (To Phoebe) So this is Brooklyn.
Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you’re looking for! (Holds up a picture of it.) Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? (She passes out whistles to them.) Three short blasts, when you hear it. Come running.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Got it.
Monica: All right.
(A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.)
A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry!
Rachel: Oh they’re pushing! They’re pushing!!
Monica: (To Rachel) Hey! Don’t be a baby!
Rachel: Well I…
(The door opens allowing the horde to charge in, knocking Rachel out of the way and to the ground.)
A Woman: Let’s go!!
Phoebe: (coming back out) Hey! Rachel! Come on!!!!
[Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is frantically looking for her dress.]
Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. (Checks another rack and another woman tries to reach around her.) (To the woman) Don’t crowd me! (Finds it) This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God, it’s perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and someone has a hold of it on the other side of the rack and tugs on it.) I’m sorry, this one’s taken! (The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica through the rack.) Whoa!
Monica: Megan!
Megan: Monica!
Monica: You came?!
Megan: Yeah!
Monica: This is my dress!
Megan: No!
Monica: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it!
Megan: And now you’ll see me buying it.
Monica: What? You freak! You wouldn’t even have known about this place if it wasn’t for me!
Megan: Look, you don’t want to fight me.
Monica: Maybe I do! I’m pretty feisty! (She blows the signal.)
[Cut to Phoebe in another part of the store.]
Phoebe: (hearing the signal) I’m coming! I’m coming! (She takes off towards the signal and almost knocks another woman over.)
Woman: Hey!
(She hears another signal in another direction.)
Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesn’t stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel won’t stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)
Phoebe: Did you find the dress?
Rachel: No! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy!
Phoebe: I—We gotta get Monica. (She starts to leave.)
Rachel: No! You gotta hold my hand!!
Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachel’s hand and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me! Excuse me! (She’s knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.)
(She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up in one hand and is sitting on Megan who is sprawled out on the floor.)
Monica: (handing Phoebe the dress) Go! Go! Go!
Rachel: (seeing who’s trapped) Hey…
Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! (Rachel runs off and Monica gets up to follow her.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there.]
Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?
Ross: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she’d like to go out again.
Chandler: Huh.
Ross: Yeah in fact, I’m gonna go call her right now. And I’ll make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says… (He mimics the shy reaction Chandler did.)
Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Listen, sorry I didn’t stop by last night but I had a date.
Chandler: Uh Joe, when it’s one o’clock in the morning and you don’t come by? That’s okay!
Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!
Chandler: Really? Right across the street?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: When’d you meet her?
Joey: Two days ago.
Chandler: Excellent! Y’know Ross met somebody too!
Joey: Oh yeah?
Ross: (returning) Hey.
Chandler: Hi! How’d it go?
Ross: Oh great! We’re going out again Saturday. But I just found she’s also seeing some other guy.
Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross’s situation?
Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I’m dating this girl who’s also seeing another guy. But, I don’t know, I’m not to worried about it.
Ross: Well you shouldn’t be. Believe me I wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose!
Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn’t have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what’s the name the girl you’re dating?
Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang.
Chandler: Bye! (Exits.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse from the earlier scene.]
Ross: Well obviously only one of us can keep dating her.
Joey: Obviously! So, how do we decide?
Ross: Well now let’s-let’s look at this objectively, I think I should date her…
Joey: (not buying it) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I’m the one who dates her.
Ross: That’s interesting, but check this out. I date her…
Joey: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction…
Ross: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while.
Joey: Yeah well we should order some food then.
Ross: No Joey! Look why don’t, why don’t we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we’ll each go out with her one more time. And-and we’ll see who she likes best.
Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair.
Ross: Maybe I’ll take her to that new French restaurant down the street…
Joey: Ah yeah—wait a second now! Look we’re gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don’t have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.
Ross: Well sorry, that’s what I do on dates.
Joey: All right, well I guess I’ll just have to do what I do on dates.
Ross: So let’s decide on the spending limit…
Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks)…a slice…(Thinks)…six dollars?
Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred.
Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monica’s wedding dress.]
Monica: Oh…
Phoebe: I know. Hand me a tissue. (Monica hands her one.)
(Rachel goes to the fridge, opens it, and blows on the whistle Monica gave her at the store, which causes Phoebe and Monica to turn around and look at her.)
Rachel: You’re out of Diet Coke.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel goes into the bathroom.)
Monica: Hello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You what?! (Listens) Hey you listen here missy! (Listens) Wh—(She is hung up on.)
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldn’t have them back unless I gave her the dress!
Phoebe: (gasps) Does that mean Carcass is available?
Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh…Chandler wants the band. What do I do?
Phoebe: Well just figure out a way to talk him out of it.
Monica: How?
(There are three short whistle blasts from the bathroom.)
Rachel: You’re out of toilet paper!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready for his date with Kristen.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey! What’s up?
Joey: I just wanted to come by and y’know, wish you good luck on your date.
Ross: Oh thanks!
Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her?
Ross: We have 8:00 reservations at Grammercy Bistero.
Joey: Wow, that’s in like 20 minutes. You’d better get dressed.
Ross: I am dressed.
Joey: Oh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He picks up a jar of lotion.) What is this? Did you give yourself a facial?
Ross: I have an oily T-zone!
Joey: Okay dude! (Finds a receit.) Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers.
Ross: That’s right.
Joey: You spent a hundred dollars. That’s the limit. You’re screwed!
Ross: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So techincally, technically I didn’t break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though.
Joey: Oh-oh! So that’s the way it’s gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the rules too y’know!
Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?
Joey: I don’t know.
Ross: Why am I not surprised?
Joey: Y’know what Ross? I’m not gonna let you get away with this!
Ross: I don’t think you have much choice.
Joey: Well we’ll see!
Ross: Bye-bye!
Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light layer?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers across his forehead).
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering without touching anything with his hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.)
Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out.
Monica: Phoebe, he’s gotta be in the room for that to work.
Chandler: (returning) What are you guys talking about?
Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the y’know, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether y’know, they were the right way to go.
Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I’m not saying that there’s any connection here y’know, but they did tell me that’s why they got divorced.
Chandler: But I love swing music!
Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Y’know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts—They just stop living.
Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there’s another reason too.
Rachel: Well, what is the other reason?
Chandler: I don’t want to say.
Rachel: Well you have to because maybe it’s stupid.
Chandler: Well it’s just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was…the first time I knew that…you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with.
Monica: Oh crap!
[Scene: Grammercy Bistero, Ross and Kristen are waiting for their table to be ready. Ross is returning from talking to the matire’d.]
Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes.
Kristen: Oh great!
Ross: Yeah.
Kristen: Is your back feeling better?
Ross: Oh yeah it’s fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasim out of control.
Joey: (entering) Kristen?
Kristen: Joey!
Joey: Hi!
Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here?
Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I’m not breaking any rules so I…
Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross.
Joey: Hi!
Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) It’s nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don’t anymore.
Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes.
Ross: Yeah. So…
Joey: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks! (Sits down.)
Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something?
Kristen: Well Joey doesn’t like to talk about it but, he’s one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives.
Ross: That’s right! That’s right, don’t you play a woman?
Joey: A woman in a man’s body.
Ross: Much better.
Joey: So y’know Ross it’s funny ‘cause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?
Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I’ve been married and how I have a son.
Kristen: Yeah, little Eric.
Ross: That’s right! Wait no, Ben.
Joey: So you’ve just married the one time then?
Ross: Well umm…
Kristen: You’ve been married twice?
Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I’m getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food?
Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake.
Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well now—why did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?
Kristen: Do you two know each other?
Joey and Ross: No. No.
Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
(Kristen is not enjoying this.)
Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?
Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?!
Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this!
Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!
Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?!
Joey: Monkey lover!
(They both notice that Kristen has left.)
Joey: When do you think we lost her?
Ross: Probably around gonorrhea.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Hi, honey! I’m home!
Monica: (from the bedroom) Don’t come in here!
Chandler: Why? Do you another boyfriend in there or something?
Monica: No! We only mess around at his place!
Chandler: Y’know it’s funny I started it but, now it’s scary me. So could you come out here please?
Monica: No, I’m wearing a wedding dress.
Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? That’s great!
Monica: Yeah but I’m not keeping it.
Chandler: Well then why can’t I see it?
Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can’t like it.
Chandler: Okay I promise. I’ll-I’ll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look…hideous.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, that’s like the most ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it?
Monica: Oh because it doesn’t…really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.
Chandler: Oh that’s great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it’s like yuck! It’s terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!
Monica: Okay! But you can’t rip it. Well, maybe a little.
Chandler: Okay!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are watching a basketball game on the couch.]
Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding? (They ignore her.) Guys?
Chandler: (without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day.
Monica: All right? What’s going on?
(They all slowly turn around to reveal that they are giving themselves a facial.)
Monica: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. (She heads for the bedroom.)
Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we’re gonna have younger looking skin!
Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) Y’know, she could use a little…(Whistles that she needs to do what they’re doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice shot!!! (They all cheer.)
End

多云有时晴

718 The One With Joey’s Award
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.]
Joey: Hey! You guys! You’re not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent…
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I’m sorry, too soon. You go.
Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
Monica: Joey!
Phoebe: Good for you!
Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can’t believe you’re nominated for an Emmy!
Joey: No-no.
Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
Joey: No! I’m up for a Soapie!
Monica: Honey? Is that something you’re making up?
Joey: No, no, no! It’s real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! I’m up for a Soapie!
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I’m taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don’t kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there?
Joey: Many are scheduled to appear.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t go! I’m gonna be too nervous!
Monica: (to Joey) Okay, I’ll go!
Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.
Opening Credits
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: …and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it’s collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it’s predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
Lewis: What kinda noise?
Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Lewis: But like how?
Ross: Well we-we don’t know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesn’t know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that’s uh, that’s all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Morse: Yes sir.
Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I’m afraid I-I had to fail you.
Morse: (shocked) Why?!
Ross: Well you need 60% to pass…
Morse: What’d I get?
Ross: Seven.
Morse: That’s not so good.
Ross: No-no it’s not. What-what happened there Ned?
Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I’m sort of in love.
Ross: Well I’m sorry but, that-that’s really not my problem.
Morse: I’m in love with you.
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Morse: You see, that’s why I did so bad on this test. I’m having a hard time concentrating. When you’re up there (Points to the podium) and you’re teaching and your face gets all serious…you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater…
Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I’m your teacher. I’m sorry, you’re-you’re a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, he’s really cute.
Phoebe: Go for it.
Monica: Phoebe, I’m engaged!
Phoebe: I’m just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can’t perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!
Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I’m engaged. (Points to her ring.)
The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)
The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.
Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair.]
Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is…Joey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh… Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn’t prepare a speech. But umm, I’d like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, who’ve always been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel…
Rachel: I’m fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award!
Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this.
Rachel: What? No! It’s not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
Joey: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: What award are you practicing for?
Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.
Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie’s called today and I also get to present an award.
Rachel: Ohh that’s great!
Joey: Yeah!
Rachel: So you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win.
Joey: (confused) What you-you don’t think I’m gonna win?
Rachel: Well of course I do! But y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it’s just…I’ve never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
Rachel: Well Joey, you’ll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Y’know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y’know? So it’s sorta like… (Does it, you’ll have to see it.)
Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)
Rachel: Y’know?
Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?
Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.
Joey: Ah.
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she’s cooking as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Monica: Hey! How’d your date go with Jake?
Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y’know, he’d kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you’re getting me all tingly.
Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was y’know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"
Monica: And did he?
Phoebe: I’m a lady Monica, I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)
Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.
Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I’ve had 10 drinks today and I’ve only had six.
Monica: Oh, I haven’t had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I’m never gonna have that feeling again am I?
Phoebe: You sound like a guy.
Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I’ve been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I’d be giving up! I mean, I…I’m never gonna have a first kiss again.
Phoebe: You’ll have a last kiss.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.]
Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
Ross: There’s this kid in my class who said he’s in love with me.
Joey: Whoa!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?
Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There’s a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Yeah! I don’t know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of…sexy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.)
Rachel: Not right now.
Ross: It-it—The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y’know you—I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what’s it’s like to be 19 and in love.
Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: How’d you get over that teacher?
Rachel: I didn’t. I got under him.
Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]
Jake: Bye Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)
Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)
Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
Monica: Phoebe, it’s okay. You don’t have to tip toe around me. I-I’ve been thinking about it and umm, y’know what? I’m okay about not having that new relationship feeling…
Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!
Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He walks away.)
Monica: See? That’s what I mean. I mean that, that’s great! But I wouldn’t trade in what I have for that. I mean I’m gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that’s what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is don’t you think?
Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger.
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joey’s category is up next and the presenter walks to the podium.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize…
[Cut to Joey and Rachel’s table.]
Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category.
Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech?
Joey: Yeah, I got my speech!
Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face?
Joey: Yeah. (Does it.)
Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!
Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?
Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!
Joey: ‘Kay!
[Cut to the presenter.]
The Presenter: …in the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to…(She opens the envelope)…Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!
Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that he’s on TV right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is…(Opens the envelope)…Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn’t be with us tonight so I’ll be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And I’m sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel who’s sittin’ right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are entering.]
Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!
Joey: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! (He whips out the award for Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.)
Rachel: Oh my God you stole her award!
Joey: No-no! No, I’m accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the TV to display it.)
Rachel: Joey I don’t think you know what behalf means.
Joey: Sure I do! It’s a verb! As in, "I behalfin’ it!"
Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back!
Joey: But why?! I should’ve won one and I really want it and she didn’t even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey!
Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of ‘em.
Rachel: Do you really want an award you didn’t win?
Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody’s giving me any of those! Plus—Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over they’ll see it and they’ll think I won it.
Rachel: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress!
Joey: I can scratch that right off.
Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don’t want to win an award this way. You’re very talented. And someday you’re gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.
Joey: All right!
Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you.
Joey: I’ll take it back tomorrow.
Rachel: Thank you.
(He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up and…)
Joey: (opening his door) If I can’t have it you can’t have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.)
[Scene: Ross’s Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.]
Lewis: Professor Geller?
Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
Lewis: I know I didn’t do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade.
Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)
Lewis: Because I’m in love with you.
Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!
Lewis: Yeah, I’m all…in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade?
Ross: No!
Lewis: Well why not you changed Ned’s grade!
Ross: Well that’s different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me!
Lewis: No he’s not! He’s totally yanking your chain! He’s done this with three other teachers!
Ross: What?
Lewis: He’s got a girlfriend!
Ross: I can’t believe someone would do that for a grade.
Lewis: I know! It’s awful. I love you.
(Ross glares at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: Have you seen Chandler?
Phoebe: No. Why?
Monica: ‘Cause I just keeping thinking about all these things that I’m not gonna have and it’s freaking me out. I don’t know what to do about it.
Phoebe: Okay, don’t sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy’s cute. (Points to a guy sitting behind Monica.)
Monica: Phoebe! Come on I’m serious! I just got to talk to him about all this.
Phoebe: No that is the last thing you want to do!
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Because you’re marrying him!
Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, I’ve never been engaged and I’ve never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.
Monica: So I’m not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with?
Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you’re supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.
Monica: Your mother told you this?
Phoebe: Yes!
Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?
Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it’s too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesn’t get you love? (Monica is shocked.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award.]
Rachel: I cannot believe I’m gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman.
Rachel: Okay, I’m totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door)
Jessica Ashley: Come in.
(The enter.)
Joey: Hey Jessica.
Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess.
Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.
Jessica Ashley: Hi.
Rachel: ‘Sup? (Joey glares at her.)
Joey: Uh listen, here’s your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.)
Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)
Joey: Well, that-that-that’s it? You’re gonna, you’re gonna put it on your self or anything?
Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you’ll excuse me. (She exits.)
Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back?
Rachel: Absolutely.
Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking to Chandler.]
Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?
Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big
Monica: You’re wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all?
Chandler: Kinda. They’re really big.
Monica: Doesn’t it ever just freak you out that-that you’re never gonna be with anybody new again?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just…It’s just sometimes it bothers me that I’m never gonna have that feeling. Y’know when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting? Y’know that rush?
Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it’s uh it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.
Monica: Okay, but all right you’re a guy, does it not freak you that you’re never gonna sleep with anybody else?
Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I’m afraid even more sweating.
Monica: Even with me?
Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that you’re having these thoughts, I’m back to panic, anxiety, and uh I’m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you don’t have to worry. No, besides y’know what? I’m gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid…
Chandler: (hoarsely) Water! Water! Water!
[Scene: Ross’s classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out.]
Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?
Morse: (walking up) That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut?
Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I’m changing your grade back.
Morse: What?! Why?
Ross: ‘Cause I know what you’re trying to pull here. Okay? It’s not gonna work.
Morse: I’m not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude.
Ross: Y’know what? I-I’m not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay—(Ned looks shocked)—Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You don’t love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I’ll be right with you. (To Ned) Don’t make this worse and I’ll give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Phoebe: Rach?
Rachel: I’ll be out in a second.
(Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.)
Phoebe: Oh. (Picks it up.) It’s just so unexpected! I…I uh…Boy I’ll tell you it’s just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y’know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in…
Rachel: (entering from her room) Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.
Phoebe: …in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows him a kiss.)
Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later we’re gonna be late. We gotta go.
Phoebe{s:1:tongue}lease, don’t play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!
End

多云有时晴

719 The One With Ross and Monica’s Cousin
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?
Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you?
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blowing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star!
Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!
Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.
Monica: What was it for?
Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
Phoebe: The next, next?
Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. (Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!
Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.
Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!
Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: What’s the matter?
Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!
Monica: Wow!
Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this!
Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monica’s now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.
Ross: Cassie?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old.
Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Subtle guys!
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower.
Rachel: (laughs) Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]
Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?
Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Monica: That’s what you say about porn.
Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back.
Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!
Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender.
Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. (Giggles.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica’s shower.]
Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower?
Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday…
Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option?
Rachel: Yesterday!
Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done!
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it!
Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!
Rachel: (calmly) Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right.
Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm down woman!
Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.
Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?
Phoebe: Uh, here. What time?
Rachel: 4 o’clock. Food?
Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.
Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica.
Phoebe: And chili!
Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?
Phoebe: Both!
Rachel: We’re paying for this y’know.
Phoebe: Neither.
Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme?
Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.
Rachel: (pause) What?
Phoebe: I don’t know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch writing when Chandler enters to make his brief cameo.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Y’know I’m-I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Oh boy me too!
Chandler: Y’know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours…
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!
Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!
Chandler: That’s me! Come on!
Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we can’t. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch.
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who don’t know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)
Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.
Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!
Cassie: Nice to meet you too.
Monica: So, are you ready to go?
Cassie: Yeah.
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say can’t help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
Monica: (catching him) Chandler!
Chandler: I’ll be right with you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.]
Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place.
Ross: What—why?
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here can’t stop staring at her.
Ross: What?! Chandler she’s our cousin!
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica’s eyes.) Say something.
Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there.
Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now.
Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.
Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?
Monica: Wafer thin ice!
[Scene: A Casting Director’s Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
Joey: Hey, I’m back!
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didn’t need to come down here today.
Joey: Oh great! Y’know I would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn’t that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
Joey: Wow! Sure! That’s great!
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there’s one more thing. Uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So… (Laughs.)
Joey: So…What?
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I’m saying?
Joey: Yes!
The Casting Director: Okay.
Joey: No. What?
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be…
Joey: Barmifsaed?
(The casting director shakes her head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]
Monica: So to get this part you can’t be?
Joey: Nope.
Monica: But you are?
Joey: Yep.
Monica: But you told them you weren’t?
Joey: That’s right.
Monica: Wow! Wow! And it’s definitely all gone? There’s nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I don’t know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to…grow a turtleneck!
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can’t do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Monica: Unless!
Joey: Unless what?
Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.
Joey: Like what?
Monica: Well I’m not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head I’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.]
Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list.
Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you?
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! What’s up Mon?
Monica: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?
Rachel: Have at it.
Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that won’t work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That won’t work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that won’t work.
Rachel: Are you makin’ him a sandwich?
Monica: No it’s umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I’m gonna go guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Okay.
Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! (Runs out.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monica’s gone) We have to get her a present?!
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Rachel: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. (Holds up $40.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Hey Ross!
Ross: Hey!
Cassie: (hugs him) It’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.
Ross: Oh. Oh, that’s right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didn’t.
Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.
Ross: It’s okay. Come, come on in.
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica’s place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
Ross: Oh.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!
Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions.
Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me.
Ross: Yeah—No!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what she’s eating.]
Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin’ on that…hot dog.
Cassie: I’m all done.
Ross: (quietly) Thank God.
Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.
Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you ‘til you cried? (She laughs) We’re probably too old to do that now.
Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer, because it’s when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized that we are related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?
Ross: Well I’m, I’m a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be.
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe's apartment, it’s Monica’s bridal shower and Phoebe is passing out some finger food.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good. (She goes over to another couple of women.) Hi, thanks for coming.
Woman: Oh thank you.
(The other woman declines.)
Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No? (She nods.) All right. (She goes to another pairing.) Oh, it’s so nice to see you.
Woman: No.
The Other Woman: No thanks.
Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?
Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Phoebe: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that. Losers!
(A woman approaches.)
Rachel: (to her) Hi! I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Rachel: Ohhhh!
Woman: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: That’s great!
Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here?
Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I don’t know.
Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didn’t tell her to come?!
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go call her.
Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]
Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on.
Joey: Wow! This looks great!
Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is made of bologna. (Points.)
Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.
Joey: Thank God!
Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.
Joey: Ah.
Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink.
Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.)
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that’s really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work.
Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.
(He goes into his room to try them on and closes the door.)
Joey: Ow!
Monica: Toothpick?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: What are you trying on now?
Joey: The fruit roll up.
Monica: And?
Joey: Delicious.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!
Monica: What?! Which one?!
Joey: The Silly Putty! It’s not so silly anymore!
(They hug.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross some more wine as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his lap.]
Ross: (in his head) She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head she’d think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Let’s back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan’s Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I’m going in.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! (They sit back up.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesn’t have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh haven’t had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything.
[Scene: outside Phoebe's apartment, Monica is knocking on the door.]
Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.) Oh.
Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry.
Monica: For what?
Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower.
Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to it.
Monica: You al-you already had it?
Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave.
Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either.
Phoebe: We ruined everything.
Rachel: Ugh…
Monica: Well no wait a minute that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best.
Rachel: What do you, what do you mean?
Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents (Motions to the pile in the corner) without having to talk to people I don’t even like!
(Suddenly, everyone stands up and comes out of hiding. All of them are glaring at Monica.)
Rachel: Surprise…
Phoebe: Sur-surprise.
Rachel: …Monica.
[Scene: The casting director’s office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
Joey: And what’s cool is, the character is from Naples, right?
The Director: Yeah.
Joey: My whole family’s from Naples!
The Director: Oh that’s great! Okay, well I’ve heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie…
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to y’know make sure I don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don’t you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, that’s me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joey’s legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, there’s a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Ending Credits
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe's apartment, Phoebe is getting out linens for Cassie who is in the bathroom.]
Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?
Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I… (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Cassie: (noticing her) What?
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin!
End