看Friends学英语-Season Seven

多云有时晴

多云有时晴

701 The One With Monica’s Thunder
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, what’s going on?
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monica’s quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar."
Joey: (grabbing the candy bar) Yeah I’ll take that.
Ross: What’s up?
Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.
Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations.
Chandler: Thanks.
Ross: Where is she?
[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) I’m engaged!!!!!! I’m engaged!!!!
[Cut back inside.]
Joey: Yeah, she’s been out there for twenty minutes, I’m surprised you didn’t hear her on the way over.
Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "I’m gay! I’m gay!" Can I bring her in?
Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. It’s sweet.
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: I’m getting married!!!! I’m gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because I’m engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why don’t you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
[Cut back inside.]
Chandler: (To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. I’ll be in the closet.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]
Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! (Bangs on her class with a spoon to make a toast.) Okay, umm, I just wanna say that…I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our special night. I mean it just wouldn’t be my—our-our night, if you all weren’t here to celebrate with me—us—Damnit!
Chandler: It’s okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.
Monica: Awww, come on—wait—stop it. Okay, to Monica.
Chandler: To Monica!
(They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.)
Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y’know, I’m kinda musical.
Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she’s even had time to…
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Rachel: (To Monica) Yeah, you’re on your own.
Monica: Y’know what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza.
(They all agree and start to go and get ready.)
Joey: But I-I-I can’t stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?
Joey: You guys don’t think I look 19?
(A brief silence ensues.)
Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90!
(They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.)
Monica: Okay everybody, let’s go! Let’s go!
Rachel: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
(They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.)
Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?
Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all.
Joey: I was afraid of that.
(Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of his candy bar.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they’re getting ready.]
Monica: (looking at her hand) Y’know what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) You’re not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
Chandler: Know what I mean?
Monica: Yeah, but I don’t think we have time.
Chandler: There’s gonna be a wedding. You’re gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
Monica: (lustily) Let’s do it! (She kisses him and they fall back onto the bed.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.]
Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don’t worry about it!
Chandler: (motioning with his hands) I’m not worried, I’m uh, I’m fascinated. Y’know it’s like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)
Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. (Singing)
"First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay.
But here I am singing on his wedding day!"
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: If you would’ve let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.]
Chandler: Sure, you guys don’t have this problem, you’re made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: You look great!
Rachel: (quietly) Oh, thanks.
Chandler: You okay over there?
Rachel: I don’t know, y’know? I feel a little umm… No, y’know what? Nevermind, I’m gonna be fine.
Chandler: Oh, don’t worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.
[Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is coming up the stairs.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Wow! Happy Monica’s night!
Rachel: Well thank you, you too.
Ross: Thanks.
Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married?
Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time so…
Rachel: Ohh…
Ross: You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-I… I mean, do-do you think we’re ever gonna have that?
Ross: You mean, we—you and me?
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone.
Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute.
Rachel: Shake it off.
Ross: I mean—no, it’s just ‘cause, it’s just ’cause you and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times.
Rachel: No, absolutely. Y’know like it was umm…
Ross: Surely you can think of something good.
Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking) Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.
Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.
Ross: My hands?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: (to his hands) Way to go guys. Y’know, you-you were really good at the stuff too.
Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, y’know what we never did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh no, not that. (Ross nods okay.) We uh, we never had bonus night!
Ross: A what?
Rachel: Y’know, bonus night. Y’know, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night.
Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that,
Ross: No.
[Silence.]
Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, I’m-I’m sure it would be amazing but I…gotta say I really-really don’t think it would be a good idea. Y’know? I really, really…don’t.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (he’s in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. He’s got the wool cap, he’s got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and he’s got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like they’re from the inner-city.]
Joey: ‘Sup? ‘Sup dude?
Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me.
Joey: So you’re playing a little Playstation, huh? That’s whack! Playstation is whack! ‘Sup with the whack Playstation, ‘sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.
Joey: Come on man, really how old?!
Chandler: Young! You’re a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody’s ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!
Joey: Wow thanks! (He goes into his bedroom and closes the door.)
Chandler: Joe?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Uhh, you’ve had a lot of sex right?
Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot.
Chandler: Well, it’s just the reason that I’m asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to—I mean I really wanted too, but I couldn’t…. There huh—hmm, there-there was an incident.
Joey: Don’t worry about that man, that happens.
Chandler: It’s happened to you?
Joey: Yeah! Once.
Chandler: Well, what’d you do?
Joey: I did it anyway.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the living room and Phoebe is in her room.]
Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Let’s go! (Knocks on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe enters with guitar and not ready to go.) Why aren’t you dressed yet?!
Phoebe: I’m sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. (Gets ready to play.)
Monica: (grabs the guitar away from her) No, Phoebe, I’ll tell you what, if you get ready now I’ll let you play it at the wedding.
Phoebe: Really?! Oh that’s so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again I’ll have to pound on you for a little bit.
Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready!
Phoebe: Okay. (She goes to get ready.)
Monica: I’ll get everybody else (Does so), finally we can start celebrating my—(She gasps and is stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making out in the hall.) I’m sorry, uh apparently I’ve opened the door to the past.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.]
Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw…
Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?
Rachel: What?
Monica: See, I’ve been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people I’m only planning on doing this once. So, uh y’know, maybe this is selfish and I’m sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.
Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just about…
Ross: It is! It is!
Monica: No it’s not! No! No! Now it’s about you and Ross getting back together!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder!
Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together!
Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: That’s true.
Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed.
Ross: It was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and overhears this.)
Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding?
Monica: Thunder being stolen!!
Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, it’s nothing! Monica, come on!
Ross: Look let’s not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesn’t even matter!
(Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.)
Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!
Chandler: (angrily) I don’t think that’s what they were talking about Joe!!
Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler can’t do it, these guys kissed… (Points to Ross and Rachel.)
Joey: What?
Chandler: What?!
Joey: You guys kissed! Oh my—this is huge!
Rachel: No!
Ross: Oh no!
Rachel: No-no, it’s really not huge.
Ross: And; people thinking it’s huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not!
Monica: Well, we’re still talking about it, aren’t we?
Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandler’s problem.
Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.
Monica: Yes that would be lovely.
Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?!
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes!
Joey: Seriously?
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!
Joey: (gasps) I’m 30!
Rachel: Joey, you are not! You’re 31.
Joey: (realizes) Aww crap!
Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, we’ll get us some Mai Thai’s, (To Chandler) maybe no more for you though.
Monica: Y’know what? I-I think that umm, I don’t feel like going to The Plaza.
Phoebe: Why?!
Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look…
Monica: No-no, I-I really don’t want to talk about it! I don’t! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)
Joey: Psss, that is whack!
[Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.]
Phoebe: (she’s strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think I’ll play it at the wedding.
Joey: Yeah! Well, I think we’ll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you don’t."
Phoebe: Well, I don’t think Monica is gonna take this away.
Joey: Wouldn’t she?
Phoebe: Would she?
Joey: Would she? (He smells something and gasps as he realizes what it is.) You ate my candy bar!
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, she’s pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.]
Ross: Guess who? (Enters fully.)
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the air…
Rachel: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didn’t want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
Ross: Still thinking about it huh?
Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? (Mimicking Monica.) Especially you!
Ross: (loosening his tie) Oh, who cares?
Rachel: I care!
Ross: (tightening his tie) And so do I.
Rachel: Y’know what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed?
Ross: Okay. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.)
Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress?
Ross: (sitting up) No! (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are both getting undressed.]
Monica: I can’t believe her, y’know it’s just—it’s so typical.
Chandler: Now Monica, I know you’re upset, but don’t forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there’s going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
Monica: Paris?
Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something).
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it’s romantic, but because I can!
Monica: I love you!
(They start making out and both start to feel something growing below the belt line.)
Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur.
Chandler: Okay, don’t say anything, you might scare it away.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Chandler: It’s Paris, who knows we’re here!
Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, what’s up? (She enters.)
Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I’m just gonna need a small deposit.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: Y’know, just some good faith money to hold the date.
Chandler: Pheebs, we’re not giving you a deposit for our wedding!
Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.)
[Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.)
Joey: They break your heart, don’t they?
Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t really their permission.
Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!
Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you… You gotta do something about your eyes.
Joey: What?! What’s wrong with my eyes.
Phoebe: They give you away! There’s just-there’s just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.
Joey: And that’ll get rid of my wisdom?
Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you.
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler’s room, they are making out again as there’s another knock on the door.]
Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don’t care!
(Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.)
Monica: Yes.
Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially me?
Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!
Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about?
Monica: Well, let’s just say it’s not the first time you’ve stolen my thunder.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, here’s a thought.
(Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.)
Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about?
Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie.
Chandler: (entering) Ahh, third base.
Monica: It’s all everybody at the party could talk about!
Rachel: Monica, y’know what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
Monica: (gasps) We had a characturist!
Rachel: Oh!!
Phoebe: (singing, angrily)
"Whenever I get married, guess who won’t get to sing?
Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!"
(Exits.)
Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago.
Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again.
Rachel: Ugh, Monica I don’t want to steal your stupid thunder!
Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?!
Ross: Got me. (He shows of his hands.)
Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain’t gonna happen!
Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!
Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night!
Monica: Oh, is that why you did it the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?!
Ross: Uh, Rachel, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I’m calling it off.
Chandler: (To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man.
Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night?
Monica: I don’t know! I don’t—maybe you’re feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you’d get married first! Maybe you can’t stand the fact that your formally fat friend is getting married before you!
Rachel: Oh wow. That—y’know what? That is so unfair. Y’know what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let’s go have sex!
(Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but decides to go for it and follows Rachel.)
Monica: (yelling after them) I can’t believe you’re gonna have sex on my engagement night!!
Chandler: Well, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.)
[Cut to Rachel’s bedroom.]
Ross: Look uh, if we’re gonna do this…
Rachel: We’re not gonna do this, all right? She’s just gonna think that we’re doin’ it.
Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Who is it?
Monica: (outside the door) It’s Monica, open up!
Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.)
Ross: Oww!
Rachel: Yeah, you like that baby? (Monica bursts in followed by Chandler.) May we help you?
Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement I’m going to announce that I’m pregnant!
Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?!
Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?!
Monica: I know why!
Rachel: No you don’t know why!
Monica: Okay! Why?!
Rachel: Because! Because I was sad.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Look, I am so…so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that’s dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!
(Ross looks at Chandler.)
Chandler: (To Ross) I don’t care, she slept with me.
Rachel: Anyway sweetie, I am, I’m so sorry I ruined your night.
Monica: (starting to cry) I’m sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross. (They hug.)
Ross: (deadpan) Well, I’m going to take off. (To Chandler) Congratulations man.
Chandler: Thanks.
Ross: (at the door) And uh, Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person who’s going to enjoy these bad boys (holds up his hands) is me. (Quickly realizes what he said and exits disgustedly.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is singing outside Monica and Chandler’s door.]
Phoebe: (singing)
"We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed.
That’s right, I’m here all night, and Chandler will never get l…"
Chandler: (interrupting her just in time) Hey! Here’s a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.
Phoebe: Oh thank you.
Chandler: Okay. (Goes back to bed.)
Phoebe: Now… (Starts singing again) "Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the cer—(Chandler enters and grabs her guitar and closes the door behind him)—Oh—oh! All right, I’ll pound on him in the morning.
End

多云有时晴

702 The One With Rachel’s Book

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Joey: Who wants French toast?
Ross: Oh, I’ll have some!
Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.
Monica: (entering from her room) Oww!
Chandler: What’s the matter honey?
Monica: I don’t know, my hand feels weird. I guess it’s because, I’m engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying?
Phoebe: It starts?
Rachel: Yeah, so let’s get started on the wedding plans!
Monica: Okay! (Runs off.)
Chandler: (incredulous) Already?!
Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music…
Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.
Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks…
Ross: Take from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3" 3-ring binder on the table.)
Chandler: What in God’s name is that?!
Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I haven’t seen that since the forth grade!
Monica: This baby has got everything. Take y’know, locations for instance. (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.
Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now let’s take a look at… (Phoebe rushes in.)
Phoebe: Hey! Ross!
Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
Phoebe: I need to talk to you, it’s pretty urgent. It’s about Monica and Chandler.
Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each other’s hometowns? Why don’t you… (Motions that they should learn everyone’s hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-what’s going on?
Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y’know? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Phoebe: Nothing—Why?!
Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!
Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! I’m going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.]
Monica: All right, so I haven’t cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.
Rachel: Aw.
Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.
Chandler: Well, you couldn’t get them anyway. Ian doesn’t plan anymore and Derrick… (Off of Rachel and Monica’s looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldn’t know.
Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Y’know, something a little snugglyer?
Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?
Joey: Well, the duck…
Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!
Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!
Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?
Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces?
Chandler: Centerpieces!
Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)
Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think they’re a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
Monica: Oh my God! It’s like one mind.
Chandler: Uh-huh!
Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I’m gonna get cranky!
Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!
Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!
Rachel: What?!
Joey: All right, I’m gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)
Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!
Joey: I don’t know! But he did not eat your face cream!
[Cut to Joey and Rachel’s, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.]
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (He’s about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachel’s room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) That’s so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar…(Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) …wouldn’t be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his…(Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on her table she’s set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.]
Ross: Uh, Phoebe…
Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi.
Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m with a client right now.
Ross: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, let’s talk outside.
(They go into the hall.)
Ross: Phoebe, you can’t massage people in my apartment!
Phoebe: What’s the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler’s!
Ross: And they knew about it?
Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well Ross, what is this really about?
Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want!
Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don’t know what the big deal is!
Ross: The big deal is I don’t want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle—beer! Cold beer.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Joey, what ‘cha doing?
Joey: Sweepin’. Why? Turn you on?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?
Rachel: Joey, did you my face cream?
(She walks into her bedroom.)
Joey: Where are you going? The vicar won’t be home for hours.
(She comes back out.)
Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?
Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda?
Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?!
Joey: Yeah I did!
Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!
Joey: Okay, look I’m sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn’t have, but you got porn!
Rachel: Hey-hey, y’know what? I don’t care! I’m not ashamed of my book. There’s nothing with a woman enjoying a little…erotica. It’s just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her room.)
Joey: You got porn!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzle—beer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebe’s massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.]
Ross: Hello.
Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?
Ross: Uh no-no, she-she’s out for the night.
Woman: Ohh great.
Ross: Can I, can I help you with something?
Woman: Well, I don’t know. Are you a masseur?
Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am.
Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks in.) Thank you so much, I’ll be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.)
(Ross isn’t happy and closes the door slowly.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.]
Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, you’re parents must’ve been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.
Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them.
Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler: Oh, I don’t think I ever heard that story.
Monica: Oh dad, really you don’t need to…
Mr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, I’d gotten Judy pregnant. I still don’t know that happened.
Mrs. Geller: (incredulous) You don’t know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!
Chandler: What a sweet story.
Monica: Well, at least you’re not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.
Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!
Monica: Anyway, we’re really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon we’ll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents don’t.) What?
Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I can’t do it.
Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don’t you?
Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.
Commercial Break
[Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.]
Monica: I don’t believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!
Mrs. Geller: We’re sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 you’d pay for it yourself.
Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23!
Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can’t put a price on that sweetie.
Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though.
Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?
Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didn’t think he’d ever propose!
Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)
Monica: I can’t believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?!
Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didn’t think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.
Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.
Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I don’t want to hear about it anymore! (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesn’t like it.]
Ross: Okay! Now, I’m going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, that’s soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is already there.]
Monica: I can’t believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it?
Chandler: I don’t know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She’s saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.
Rachel: Well what happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding!
Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?!
Rachel: Wait, but there’s no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!
Chandler: Honey, it’s gonna be okay.
Monica: No! No it’s not! It’s not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!
Rachel: No, y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. I mean you don’t have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y’know? And-and you don’t need, you don’t need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)
Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we’re gonna get married.
Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!
Phoebe: Look, why don’t you just pay for it yourself?
Monica: How? I don’t have any money.
Chandler: Well, I have some.
Monica: How much?
Chandler: Well, close to… (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)
Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?!
Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?!
Monica: It’s enough for wedding scenario eight.
Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?!
Monica: (To Chandler) How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.
Chandler: Well, you’re not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?
Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!
Chandler: Well, come on, I’ve been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler.
Monica: This is the most special day of our lives.
Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but I’m not gonna spend all of the money on one party.
Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, we’re only gonna get married once.
Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.
Monica: You-you’re gonna have to put your foot down?
Chandler: Yes, I am!
Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.]
Joey: Hey Rach.
Rachel: (quietly) Joey.
Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?
Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.
Joey: No-no-no, I’m serious. You don’t smell it? Something’s on fire.
Rachel: Well no, I don’t smell anything.
Joey: Oh, y’know what? It’s probably just your burnin’ loins.
Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Nothing!
Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffee’s cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
Rachel: Y’know, I can not believe you told him, Joey!
Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?
Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.)
Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.) ‘Sup?
Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!
Ross: (looking at the table) Excuse me ladies. (To Phoebe) I’m sorry?
Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
Ross: (incredulous) I gave him an extremely professional massage!
Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Ross: Okay, so it wasn’t uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him accu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.
Phoebe: Well, he’s never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week!
Ross: Hey, y’know what? This is your fault! You’re the one that didn’t move his-his appointment.
Phoebe: Oh, it’s my fault?! You didn’t have to massage him! You could’ve sent him away! You could’ve not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!
Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry.
Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?
Ross: His daughter was hot.
Joey: Gotcha.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Listen umm, I’ve been thinking, it’s not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Eh, you work for that.
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I’m sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Monica: You do?!
Chandler: Yeah, I’m putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that’s what we’re gonna do.
Monica: Oh, you’re so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y’know? We’ll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Monica: You thought about that?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Monica: What else did you think about?
Chandler: Well, stuff like where’d we live, y’know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y’know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it’s collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we’d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica: (laughs) Y’know what? I-I don’t want a big, fancy wedding.
Chandler: Sure you do.
Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.
Chandler: You sure?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Chandler: I love you so much.
Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin’ about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.
Chandler: Oh yeah, totally!
Monica: Oh good.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]
Joey: Hello, Zelda.
Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?
Joey: The vicar!
Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?
Joey: Like a goalie, right?
Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, it’s enough all right?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it’s—I’m not—it’s just not funny anymore!
Joey: All right, I’m sorry. Rach I—Rach I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.)
Rachel: All right! Y’know what? That’s it! You wanna do it?! Let’s do it!
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: (starting to move closer to him) That’s right, I wanna do it with you! I’ve been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.
Joey: (nervously backing away) I-I-I-I did? (He puts a stool in front of her.)
Rachel: (moves the stool out of the way) Yeah! Ohh, I’ve been waitin’ so long to get on that body!
Joey: This body? (He backs into the kitchen.)
Rachel: Yeah that’s right! Come on Joey; sex me up!
Joey: Hey-hey, you’re startin’ to sound like the butcher’s wife there in-in chapter seven.
Rachel: Oh, come on now, don’t keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you’re in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.)
Joey: I don’t want to, I’m scared.
(Rachel walks away, pleased with her self.)
End

多云有时晴

703 The One With Phoebe’s Cookies
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler enters wearing glasses.]
Chandler: Hey, you guys!
Ross and Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: About what?
Rachel: Yeah, what?
Joey: What?
Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; I’ll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)
Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler’s eyes!
Chandler: I got glasses!
Ross: Well, you-you’ve always had glasses.
Chandler: No I didn’t!
Ross: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm…
Joey: Feminine.
Rachel: Yes!
Chandler: No!
Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah!
Chandler: (sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn’t think I used to wear glasses, right?
Monica: Of course! (She mouths, "I have no idea," to the rest of the gang.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making some sandwiches.]
Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an engagement present?
Chandler: That’s okay Pheebs, we’re not having a party or anything, so you don’t have to get us…
Monica: (interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don’t want to deprive them of that joy.
Rachel: Oh, y’know what you should get ‘em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
Monica: Hey, I know I what I want!
Chandler: What we want honey.
Monica: No, you don’t want this. I want to have your grandmother’s cookie recipe.
Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
Monica: Uh-huh, yeah.
Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?
Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things.
Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children.
Phoebe: Break my heart—Oh, all right.
Monica: Okay. I’m gonna be the mom that makes the world’s best chocolate chip cookies.
Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat aren’t they.
Joey: (entering) Ahoy!
Chandler: Hey! How’s the boat?!
Joey: Great! I’m finally getting into this sailing stuff.
Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?
Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there!
Phoebe: If you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it?
Joey: Oh, it’s great! It’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.)
Chandler: Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that.
Rachel: Y’know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I’ve been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and starts chewing on the ear piece.]
Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin’?
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)
Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No, why?
Chandler: Then free as a bird. What’s up?
Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow! That’s great! Dad must really like you, he doesn’t ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didn’t really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week.
Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too.
Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: He hates to lose.
Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe I’ll play with my left hand.
Ross: You’re not a lefty?
Chandler: Does anybody know me?!
(Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.)
Monica: What’s wrong Phoebe?
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up!
Monica: No!! Why didn’t you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!!
Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because I’m normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present.
Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present?
Chandler: Don’t worry about it Pheebs.
Ross: No one got me an engagement present.
Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic baggie.)
Chandler: An old cookie?
Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens when you don’t register for gifts!
Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.
Chandler: We can’t accept this.
Phoebe: Why not?
Chandler: ‘Cause it’s gross.
Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time.
Phoebe: Really?!
Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it.
(Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.)
Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present.
Ross: Two! I’ve been engaged twice!
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joey’s boat), she’s shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality she’s in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.]
Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.)
Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We’re not finished with the lesson yet.
Joey: All right.
Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready?
Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let’s start sailing, and I want to go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them) Yo-ho-ho!
Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let’s do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what’s this called?
Joey: Uh, boat rope.
Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up?
Joey: Uhh, rub it?
Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about?
Joey: I’d say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh…
(Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.)
Rachel: Time’s up, now your dead.
Joey: And deaf!
Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)
Joey: Yes.
Rachel: Don’t just say yes! This isn’t a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!
Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the cookie recipe by eating small pieces.]
Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.
Phoebe: You do?
Monica: You don’t? (Laughs) Well, that’s the difference between a professional and a layman.
Phoebe: That and arrogance.
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Monica: Hey! How was sailing?
Joey: I don’t want to talk about it. Y’know, you could’ve at least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what’s left of the cookie and pops in his mouth.)
Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!
Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms out.)
Phoebe: I can’t believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmother’s legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey.
Monica: Hey! How was it?
Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand…
Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.
Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him?
Chandler: Daddy. All right look, here’s the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that’s when in happened.
[Cut to the flashback, Chandler’s no longer doing the voice-over.]
Chandler: Guys?
Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.)
Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits next to him with a shocked expression on his face.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.]
Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I can’t believe it!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You gave my father a lap dance!
Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in there?!
Ross: ‘Cause otherwise they’d have to call it the room room.
Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?
Phoebe: Come on, it’s not that big a deal!
Chandler: Not that big a deal? There…there was touching of things.
Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part?
Monica: Listen, I’m sure that dad doesn’t care. He probably thought this was funny; he’ll be telling this story for years!
Chandler: I don’t want him to tell this story for years.
Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
Monica: I wasn’t escaping.
Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel.
Ross: You were trying to eat it!
(The phone rings.)
Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!
Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) I’m sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, I’ll call you later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: (getting up) All right, I’m off to see your dad.
Ross: Whoa-whoa, aren’t you a little over dressed?
Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.
Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face—And by face I don’t mean his lap. And by face, I don’t mean my ass. (Exits.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?
Rachel: I don’t know. Y’know, they didn’t get us anything.
Ross: Thank you!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey?
Joey: Oh uh, I don’t know the boat way to say this, but uh never!
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: Because! You’re mean on the boat!
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
Ross: Yeeeeeep… Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took out on her dad’s boat she wouldn’t let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn’t move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)
Rachel: Look Joey, I’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"
Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t want you to get hit by the boom!
Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would’ve hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
Rachel: All right, y’know what? I-I’m sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.
Joey: You won’t boss me around anymore?
Rachel: I won’t boss you around.
Joey: And you’ll be nice?
Rachel: And, I’ll be nice.
Joey: And you’ll be topless?
Rachel: And—Joey!
Joey: Do you want me to learn?!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.]
Monica: Okay, here’s batch 22. Ohh, maybe these’ll taste a little like your grandmother’s. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
Ross: Let’s give it a shot.
Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade.
Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?
Monica: No, just a Friday night.
(They all take a bite.)
Ross: Ohh, these are pretty good.
Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
Ross: Which one was that?
Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up.
Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) I’m okay.
Phoebe: Are there anymore from the good batch? ‘Cause we could just work off of those.
Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh… (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn’t like it.) It’s batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, its Joey’s second lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.]
Rachel: Okay Joey honey, you’re doing really good! All right, now I’m just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?
Joey: Ohh yeah.
Rachel: Right?
Joey: Nope.
Rachel: It’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a tough one.
Joey: I don’t know why you just don’t say left.
Rachel: Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of the boat.) The left!
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.)
Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, you’re yelling again! See that?
Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.
Joey: Oh, y’know what? Since I’m here, I think I’m gonna have me a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.)
Rachel: Okay Joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)
Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn’t know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.)
Joey: Oh, y’know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey: All right that’s it! You’re yelling and I don’t see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You can’t quit!
Joey: Why not?!
Rachel: Because you’re not finished yet and I won’t have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? I’m a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!
Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don’t quit didn’t I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don’t quit?!
Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and you’re still yelling at me!
Rachel: No! No! No! I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh I’m my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin’. Oh, Joey, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to learn.
Joey: Well, hey I did learn.
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Yeah! Come on.
Rachel: Awww…
Joey: Yeah, it’s okay. I know what a mainsail is. (Points to it. It’s the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right.
Rachel: Left.
Joey: Damnit!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie trying period has pasted. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day’s events.]
Phoebe: Y’know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we’re trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she’s l-l-lookin’ up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking up?
Phoebe: Oh yeah—No, she was really nice to me, but she’s in hell for sure.
Monica: Well, I’ve tried everything. I give up. I guess I’m not gonna be the mom who makes the world’s best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe.  Kids love that right.
Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn’t there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that’s not happening ‘til October 15th, 2032.
Ross: That’s the day you’re gonna die? See—darnit, I’ve got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: That’s what you think.
Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother’s? Wouldn’t they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, y’know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: Nestle Tollhouse?!
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
Monica: (grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe? (Tosses her the bag.)
Phoebe: (reading the recipe on the back of the bag) Yes!! (Realizes.) Ohh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why (Looking down) you’re burning in hell!!
[Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the whirlpool room.]
Chandler: So you understand, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn’t tell people what happened. Y’know, I’m a little…I’m a little embarrassed about it.
Mr. Geller: I understand completely, there’s nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer.
Chandler: What did you do when they found out?
Mr. Geller: They never did, so if ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we?
(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didn’t seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.)
Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!
Ending Credits
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.]
Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope? (Points.)
Rachel: Ohh we’re not sailing.
Joey: Just pull on it.
Rachel: All right. (She does so and it brings the cooler closer together.) Hey-hey-hey!! (Sees what’s in the cooler.) Sandwiches!
Joey: What else?
Rachel: (hands him one) Here you go.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.)
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Ohh, sorry.
Joey: What you—don’t hold it like that! You’re lettin’ all the good stuff fall out.
(More falls out.)
Rachel: Ohh whoops.
Joey: Careful! You’re wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I’m my dad!
End

多云有时晴

704 The One With Rachel’s Assistant
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don’t mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica aren’t amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldn’t have done it without you buddy. You’re a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can’t get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it’s your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
Chandler: It’s your mommy. It’s your mommy.
Ross: Ohhhh…
Rachel: That’s nice.
Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what they’re gonna say.)
Rachel: Well that was umm…Okay.
Ross: It wasn’t the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Ohh no you don’t! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means I’m stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin’ right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe: I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t lie to him again. Oh no I—no! I’m just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s right.
Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasn’t that good.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You’ll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and…
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You’re not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel: Okay, so anyway I’m sittin’ in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey: I’m gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that’s great!!
Rachel: Joey!
Joey: Oh, you weren’t finished?
Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if you’re gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: It’s the same story.
Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, it’s really long.
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he’s so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: I’m so happy for you!
Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Monica: What?!
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
Rachel: I got—I get a big pay raise!
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: I’ll be playing Drake Remoray’s twin brother, Stryker!
Monica: Oooh!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
Joey: (jumps up) Well—I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there.
[Scene: Rachel’s New Office, she’s interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: That’s right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Hilda: What?
Rachel: I’ve never interviewed anyone before. I’ve actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn’t the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. It’s not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) I’m a total pro!
(There’s a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Man: Hello?
Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I’m sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, I’m here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what’s—what is—what’s your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: That’s it. That’s my whole name.
Rachel: That’s your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let’s-let’s just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
Tag: I know I haven’t worked in an office before, and I really don’t have a lot of experience, but uh…
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You’ve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday’s, come on!
Tag: It’s lame, I know. But I’m a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn…
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) I’m sorry, it’s for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica: I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people aren’t supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
Chandler: No I’m serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why don’t you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no-no, I can’t do that.
Monica: If you tell me, I’ll tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we’re on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe’s secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe’s old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: That’s it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: That’s right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I-I just don’t know how you decide who to hire. I mean I’ve got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there’s this guy…
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: I love him. He’s so pretty I wanna cry! I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don’t hire an assistant because they’re cute, you hire them because they’re qualified.
Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you’re saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
Phoebe: Let’s see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh… But no! No! You can’t-you can’t hire him, because that—it’s not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.)
Rachel: Okay you’re right. I’ll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don’t show this to Monica! And don’t tell her about the W-H-Wow!
[Scene: The Days of Our Lives producer’s office, Joey is entering to find Terry there.]
Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
Joey: Hey Terry!
Terry: Good to see you again!
Joey: It’s been a while, huh? Wow, it’s funny these halls look smaller then they used to.
Terry: It’s a different building.
Joey: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start?
Terry: Why don’t we start right now!
Joey: Okay.
Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)
Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Stryker’s twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey: Y’know Terry, I-I don’t really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.
Terry: I’m sorry Joey that’s…that’s the way it is.
Joey: Well. I guess you think you’re pretty special huh? Sittin’ up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin’ stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y’know what? (Throws the script away) This is one star who’s hoop… This is a star that the hoop—this hoop—I was Dr. Drake Remoray!
[Scene: Rachel’s office, she’s there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren’t any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first… (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
Rachel: Kinda.
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn’t put good at noticing stuff on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.
Tag: Anyway, I’m guessing you hired somebody.
Rachel: Well…
Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: But I hired you!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! You’re my new assistant!
Tag: I am?!
Rachel: Yeah!
Tag: I can’t believe it!
Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey! Good, you’re home!
Chandler: Oh it’s always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: I made you a surprise.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I’ve had such a craving for them.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! What’s up?
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Oh, nothin’ much. Just trying to figure out what I’m gonna do for dinner.
Chandler: Huh.
Ross: (notices the table) Hey—Ooh! What’s-what’s that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica: No! No. They’re umm… They’re just uh…ground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)
Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.
Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross: Eh, either way I’ll pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still can’t eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) What’s so funny?!
Monica: (trying not to laugh) I’m not laughing.
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompson’s getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It’s not like I choose to do it! It’s not like—It’s not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"
Monica: You’re right. I mean I’m sorry. Yeah, I shouldn’t be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)
Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had too okay?! We’re getting married! Married couples can’t keep secrets from one another!
Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Du-ude!
Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar…
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you’re right, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with…girls.
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard…
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey—Ooh, how’s Hilda? Is she working out?
Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) It’s the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week’s script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like they’re taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) We’re not even shootin’ them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Phoebe: Sorry.
Rachel: I’m sorry Joey.
Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesn’t mind, of course.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried!
Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)
Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Monica: I-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she’d made.
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldn’t tell time ‘til she was 13!
Monica: It’s hard for some people!
Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow—whoa!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Chandler: Hey!!!
Monica: Ohh, I’m sorry I couldn’t think of anymore for Ross!
Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin’!
Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe: You! An actor?! That’s madness!
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Tag: Rachel Green’s office. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)
(Phoebe rounds the corner.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Tag: Hi! Rachel Green’s office.
Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.)
Tag: Phoebe! That’s a great name.
Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. We’ll be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I’m telling you…
Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I’ve ever done. But I’m telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (There’s a knock on the door.) Yes?
(Kathy enters (Because she’s listed in the credits).)
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: Hi!
Kathy: Cute assistant! What’s his story? Is he…
Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)
[Scene: Terry’s office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.]
Joey: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I’m surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait—Look—Wait I-I… Look, I’m really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I’m too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
Terry: I can’t help you Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Nurse #1: This poor guy’s been in a coma for five years. It’s hopeless.
Nurse #2: It’s not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remoray’s a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
(Stryker enters, only it’s not Joey playing him.)
Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, it’s your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) I’m back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]
Monica: Y’know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?
Monica: No!
Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)
Monica: I don’t know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
Chandler: Y’know when I said that because we’re getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Let’s not do that.
Monica: Ohh, absolutely.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica: Yeah, definitely!
Ross: Okay, (gets up) if you’ll excuse me, I-I’m gonna go hang out with some people who don’t know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then, I’d steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "I’m sorry.")
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn’t hang out with…all the guys in my office.
(Ross storms out.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Rachel’s office, she’s looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.]
Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.)
Tag: Do you have a minute?
Rachel: Well yeah, sure, what’s up?
Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch…by guys.
Rachel: Oh really?!
Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that?
Tag: But I’m not gay. And I especially wouldn’t want you to think I was gay.
Rachel: Why’s that?
Tag: I don’t think I should say.
Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)
Tag: Okay.
Rachel: ‘Kay.
Tag: Well…
Rachel: Yeah.
Tag: I’d love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, she’s gay.
End

多云有时晴

705 The One With The Engagement Picture

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: What’s the matter?
Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!
Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive!
Chandler: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us.
Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist.
Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us!
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty.
Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture.
Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here’s a great one.
Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that.
Monica: I know, but look at me all tan.
Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer.
Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid.
Monica: Chandler what do you say?
Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh…
Chandler: How about those three pointers?
Ross: Amazing!
Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin’ us play this time too.
(They both get dejected and go sit down.)
Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!
Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him.
Ross: It’s not a club.
Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him?
Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour!
Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker.
Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right?
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it.
Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else?
Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing!
Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club.
Chandler: Dude that is so sad.
Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.
Chandler: Could I play?
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, she’s returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.]
Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
Tag: I just did them.
Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?
Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?
(He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.)
Melissa: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? (She has put on the backpack.)
Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?
Rachel: No. Why?
Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.
Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?
Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.
Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.
Melissa: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack.
Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor.
(Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isn’t.]
The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
Chandler: No, I am.
Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile.
Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler: Okay. (You’ll have to see it, I can’t describe the face he makes, but it isn’t good.)
Monica: Or not.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.]
Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…here. (Hands him one.)
Joey: Great. (He doesn’t like it.) You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe.
Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.
Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?
Joey: Nothing, why?
Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay.
Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him!
Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it.
Joey: Yeah, okay.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh—Hey, donuts!
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.]
Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron!
Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)
Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kill you."
Monica: They can’t all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread?
(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)
Phoebe: I’m having a really good time!
Hums While He Pees: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.
Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend.
Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?
Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost.
Hums While He Pees: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God!
Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go.
Hums While He Pees: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney (Points), Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out?
Ross: What?! No!
Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)
Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I’ll do it. But just because you’re a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]
Phoebe: Hi Ginger.
Ross: All right! I want my key back!
Phoebe: I don’t have it!
Ross: It’s right there! (Points to her hand.)
Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.)
Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle’s ex.
Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)
Ross: Hi Whitney.
Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.
Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her!
Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.
Whitney: Sure.
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?
Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people!
Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.
Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?!
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?!
Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy!
Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn’t sound proof.
Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.]
Tag: Good morning.
Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?
Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
Rachel: Ohh that’s nice.
Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.
Rachel: (Pause) Oh.
Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
Rachel: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh?
Tag: A little.
Rachel: Yeah?
(A beautiful women walks up.)
Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin’?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]
Joey: See? That’s a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You’re changing it!
Chandler: I can’t help it!
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Chandler: Borrow money from me?
Joey: Okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you’re looking down, keep looking down…
Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
Joey: Yeah! That guy’s all right!
Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
Joey: What?
Rachel: Y’know, all the women.
Joey: Hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. Y’know, that’s why I never had any luck with Chandler.
Chandler: (Pause) I’m right here!
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
Chandler: I’m still right here!
Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Rachel: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush—And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! But—I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya!
Joey: I know, Monica told me.
Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)
Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?
Joey: I don’t know Rach.
Rachel: Oh, come on! I’ll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can’t take that back!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]
Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
Joey: I don’t know. You uh, you got something for me?
Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)
Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there’s such a thing as to many women.
Tag: Really?
Joey: Yeah, for you!
[Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.]
Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are!
Chandler: There I am!
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!
Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?
Chandler: I don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down… (He falls asleep.)
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: Hi.
Ross: Hi.
Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and F.Y.I she must’ve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass."
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
Ross: Well, I don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
Phoebe: You think he’s emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn’t be she didn’t bring the office home every night!
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year’s Eve 1997.
Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) I’m sorry you had to see that.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is entering.]
Tag: Good morning Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! (He hands her, her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night?
Tag: Went out with Joey.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas?
Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.
Tag: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when…Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff.
Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know?
Tag: When I’m in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.
Rachel: Really?
Tag: Someone I can spoil, y’know?
Rachel: Sp-spoil?
Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?
Rachel: Well, I-I’m startin’ too.
Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?
Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!
Tag: All right then, it’s settled.
Rachel: Okay.
Tag: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend.
Rachel: I’d love to!
Tag: What?
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they’re not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Ross: My God!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s Whitney?
Ross: Well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!
Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part.
(Kyle and Whitney enter.)
Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you’re both here.
Whitney: We kinda need to talk.
Phoebe: Both of you together?
Ross: Wh-what’s up?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle’s last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing…
Kyle: …we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So… (Pause)
Ross: Oh just say it Kyle!
Kyle: We’re gonna give it another try.
Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
Whitney: I’m gonna work on that.
Phoebe: Oh right, because you’re so capable of change.
Ross: (To Whitney) Y’know, he hums when he pees!
Whitney: I do know.
Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
Whitney: We’re so sorry. (They get up to leave.)
Ross: That’s all right, we-we don’t need you. In fact, hey I’m over it already.
Phoebe: Yeah, and y’know what? I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass.
Kyle: Yeah, we’re gonna go. (They leave.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) I’m sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y’know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to.
Ross: Yeah, were better off without them.
Phoebe: And y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club!
Ross: Divorced men’s club.
Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (She’s pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!
Phoebe: Ooh, let’s see it!
Chandler: Ahhh.
Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.)
Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good.
Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.)
Joey: Yeah, we look great together.
Monica: Yeah, we really do!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like!
Joey: Y’know, we don’t have to imagine.
Chandler: I’m marrying her.
Joey: We’ll just see.
End

多云有时晴

706 The One With The Nap Partners
[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]
Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor.
Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really hope it’s you!
Phoebe: I hope it’s you.
Rachel: Me too!
Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and you’re both so important to me…
Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?!
Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade of being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine…
Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!!
Rachel: Hypothetically!
Phoebe: Still.
Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor…
Rachel: Uh-hmm.
Monica: Rachel would be Phoebe’s, I would be Rachel’s, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
Rachel: Yeah that’s actually a pretty good idea.
Phoebe: Yeah, I’ll do that. So who gets to be yours?
Monica: (laughs) Well that’s the best part. Umm, you guys get to decide!
Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part?
Monica: Because then I don’t have to!
Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandler’s name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that…
Monica: I’m really not deciding!
Rachel: Fine!
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldn’t help overhearing, you’re marrying Chandler Bing?
Monica: Yeah that’s right.
Woman: (sarcastically) Huh, good luck!
Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]
Chandler: Die Hard still great!
Joey: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?
Chandler: What’d you rent?
Joey: Die Hard 2.
Chandler: (looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.
Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2!
Ross: Joey, we just saw it!
Joey: And?
Ross: And it’ll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!
Ross: Dude, you didn’t say Die Hard. Is everything okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans.
Ross: Well, John McLane had plans!
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel some coffee.]
Phoebe: Hey Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Umm, when I get married will you be my maid of honor?
Rachel: Really?!
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean I’m just—Wait a minute. If I’m your maid of honor that means you are Monica’s.
Phoebe: Oh! Well, if that’s what you want…
Rachel: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica’s!
Phoebe: But why does it even matter?!
Rachel: Why does it matter so much to you?!
Phoebe: Because this one is now! And-and it’s two of our best friends! Who knows what you’re gonna marry!
Rachel: What-what if I marry Ross—Or Joey?
Phoebe: (gasps) You wouldn’t! Okay look, Rachel I know you really want to do this, but I-I’ve never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you’ve done it at least twice!
Rachel: Yeah but Phoebe…
Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. It’s—since you’ve never done it before you can be Monica’s made of honor.
Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! (They hug.) Okay.
Rachel: I’m gonna marry someone good y’know.
Phoebe: Oh I know.
Rachel: Better than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as if to say, "Like what isn’t?")
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I don’t think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And they’re on the same couch. Which means they’re sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasn’t been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That is unless you’re a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]
Ross: What happened?!!
Joey: Well, I don’t know!!
Ross: We fell asleep! That is all.
Joey: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, I’d better go.
Ross: I think that would be best.
Joey: Yeah. All right, I’ll talk to you later.
Ross: Okay. But not about this!
Joey: No! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants to shake Ross’s hand.) Bye.
Ross: No touch! No touch!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.]
Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today whey I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she…she wished me good luck.
Chandler: That’s sweet.
Monica: No, it’s more like a (sarcastically) good luck.
Chandler: So uh, what did this woman look like?
Monica: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.
Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?
Monica: Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?
Chandler: No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive… (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album.
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Well, let’s see… (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)
Monica: Oh my God yes! Who is she?
Chandler: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend.
Monica: Did you break up with her?
Chandler: (pause) No, we’re still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Well, ‘cause she came back the third summer and she’d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow…
Monica: Fat?!
Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow…"
Monica: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?!
Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?
Monica: Well, apparently she does.
Chandler: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]
Joey: Hey! What’s going on?
Rachel: Phoebe is gonna be Monica’s maid of honor!
Joey: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember? (Phoebe glares at him.)
Rachel: (shocked) You have been maid of honor before?!!
Phoebe: See? This is exactly why you shouldn’t lie!
Rachel: All right that’s it! I am maid of honor!
Phoebe: Na-uh, I am!
Rachel: How come you are?!
Phoebe: Because I cared enough to lie!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you’d handle maid of honor type situations.
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if I’m the best of the people they see, they give me the part.
Phoebe: Okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?
Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Well, it’s better than us deciding.
Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Can’t we just flip a coin?!
Phoebe: No! Coins hate me!
Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, y’know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.
Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.)
Ross: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Georgio.
Joey: Hi.
Ross: Just uh, brought back your videos.
Joey: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need to talk about before.
Ross: No! No we don’t!
Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!!
Ross: I… I don’t know what you are talking about.
Joey: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had!
Ross: I’ve had better.
Joey: Okay! When?!
Ross: All right! All right! It was the best nap ever!
Joey: Uh-huh!
Ross: I’ve said it! Okay?! But it’s over Joey!
Joey: I want to do it again.
Ross: We can’t do it again.
Joey: Why not?
Ross: Because it’s weird!
Joey: Fine! Do you want something to drink?
Ross: Sure, what do you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just leaves.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is approaching the bathroom door behind which Chandler is using the facility.]
Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you are!
Chandler: Can you figure out what I’m doing?
Monica: You’re Lewis Posin.
Chandler: Who?
Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?
Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!
Monica: No! But because he thought I was to faaaaa…. (Chandler emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Y’know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.
Monica: No, I know. But y’know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me.
Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. We’re gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
Ross: Because it’s the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel you’re up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You’re with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)
Joey: (crying) I don’t want to marry Chandler!
Rachel: Okay, uh…
Joey: I’ve got cold feet.
Rachel: …it’s gonna be okay!
Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey!
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to keep the gifts.
Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that!
Rachel: Thanks!
Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.
Rachel: Thank you judges.
Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.
Rachel: Oh!
Joey: Okay, Phoebe…
Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?
Joey: We’re now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that—(Phoebe screams and tackles him)—Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!
Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
Phoebe: Hey! Do you want do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!
Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.
Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre…
Ross: Go!
Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as… (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh… I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old.
Ross and Joey: Oh! That’s nice.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I’ve known them separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.
Ross: Yeah, it really was!
Rachel: Aw, thanks!
Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you’re next (To Joey) although I really don’t see the point.
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, I can’t believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
Joey: And she’s back in the game.
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.
Julie: Hello Skidmark.
Chandler: (To Monica) It’s a nickname, I’ll explain later.
Monica: It’s pretty clear.
Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.
Julie: That’s why you broke up with me?
Chandler: You-you-you didn’t know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]
Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel—Damnit!
Phoebe: Really?! I won!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I’ve heard that before.)
Ross: Actually, it wasn’t that close.
Rachel: No! Y’know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous—We’re gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me!
Rachel: Well y’know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it’s gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.)
Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason, I’m just saying that uh… That’s where I’ll be.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julie’s.]
Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.
Monica: Why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn’t have to apologize.
Chandler: I would really love it if could do both.
Monica: All right, I…I have to ask.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
Chandler: What?!
Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained?
Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.
Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That’s not the point.
Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!
Monica: Well… That’s not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.
Monica: How?
Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!
Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I’m gonna look different. I’m okay with that, but I’m not sure that you are!
Chandler: Look you have to realize I don’t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you’re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica: Keep going.
Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.
Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?
Chandler: I’d carry you around in my pocket.
Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)
Chandler: Skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I’m really sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe: That’s ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case…
Phoebe: Oh that’s so sweet thanks.
Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here’s a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Y’know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
Phoebe: Ohh.
Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I’m just gonna grab a couple of these.
Phoebe: This stuff is great!
Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah…
Phoebe: Y’know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica’s made of honor.
Rachel: You do? Why?
Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you.
Rachel: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it.
Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14? (She’s referring to the Halloween picture.)
Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early.
Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!
Monica: (entering) Hey, what’s going on?
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor.
Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! That’s great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place; we’ll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I’m so excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe laughing.)
Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
Joey: Great nap.
Ross: It really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)
Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.)
End

多云有时晴

707 The One With Ross’s Book
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up.]
Joey: Morning!
Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?
Joey: Pretty good.
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I’m late for work.
Rachel: What-what?! You’re gonna leave this person with me?!
Joey: Yeah—Hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I’m not looking for a serious relationship; that’d be great.
Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
Joey: Just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I’m a loner—No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel: Y’know what? That’s a lot to remember, can’t I just tell her you’re a pig?
Joey: Hey, I’m gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He’d even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me.
Rachel: Well forget it, I’m not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.
Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, where’d we land on those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.)
Joey’s Date: Hi!
Rachel: Hi.
Joey’s Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn’t get that lock to work on the door.
Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
Joey’s Date: You must be Rachel, I’m Erin.
Rachel: Hi.
Erin: Hi. I don’t mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?
Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?
Opening Credits
[Scene: N.Y.U’s University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]
Chandler: …Come on! Why are we here?!
Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.
(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
Chandler: The hot chicks?
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y’know-y’know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It’s here! Yeah, it’s right-it’s right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
Chandler: Wow that’s actually pretty cool.
Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there’s also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?
Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I’m so sorry!
Male Student: Sorry!
Chandler: You didn’t bring me here to do that, did you?
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]
Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!
The Waitress: She says it’s to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn’t taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can’t be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
The Colonel: OH…MY…GAWD!!!! (Yep, it’s Janice.)
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet’s most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She’s the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)
Monica: I’m fine.
Janice: (notices Monica’s engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I’m blind!
Monica: Oh… Uh…
Janice: So, who’s the lucky guy?
[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.]
Chandler: OH…MY…GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn’t tell her we were getting married, did you?
Monica: Well, she saw the ring.
Chandler: Did she freak out?
Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people.
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y’know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler: (laughs) You said no right?
Monica: Huh?
Chandler: You said no right?!
Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check’s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can’t wait to read your book Ross!!
Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won’t be so bad.
Chandler: What do you think she’s just gonna sit there quietly? You don’t think she’s gonna want to make a toast? You don’t think she’s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Monica: Oh my God, she’s not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!
Chandler: Y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. Y’know what? She’s probably not gonna even want to come.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
Monica: So-so you would’ve just lied?
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Would it really have been that easy?
Chandler: Yes!!!
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we’re going to dinner with her and Clark.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]
Joey: Hey! What’s up?
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, who’s your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!
Erin: Hey Joey!
Joey: Erin! Still here!
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey: Why wouldn’t ya? Erin is great! Then-then there’s you guys.
Erin: Ohh, listen. I’ve got to get going. Today was great, thanks!
Rachel: I know!
Phoebe: Okay!
Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.
Joey: Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll call ya.
Rachel: Oh and I’ll call ya too!
Erin: Or I’ll call you!
Phoebe: And call me!
Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
Erin: Bye.
Joey: Bye-bye.
Rachel: Bye!
(Joey closes the door behind her.)
Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!
Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m sorry I just couldn’t tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y’know we got to talking and I…
Phoebe: We want you to marry her!
Joey: What?!!
Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.
Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?
Rachel: Cupid.
Phoebe: Joey, she’s so cool. She speaks four languages.
Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!
Rachel: Look Joey, come on she’s so perfect for you! I mean she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.
Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just—I don’t see it going anywhere.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
Joey: Look I’m sorry you guys, I-I just don’t think so.
Phoebe: Whatever.
Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
Joey: Hey, don’t start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You’re the one who’s in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you’re the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Secret affair!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
Rachel: I’m sorry?
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin’ babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was—there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read—Yes, there was.
Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it’s like uh-a thing!
Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
Ross: Oh for cryin’ out loud! (He storms out.)
Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.
Rachel: Well now what’s the rush?
Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.
Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!
Rachel: Well look who’s here!
Erin: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Erin: Joey.
Joey: Erin.
Erin: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Erin: What’s wrong?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Joey: (skeptical) What party?
Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Joey: Who’s birthday party?
Phoebe and Rachel: Allison’s birthday party.
Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how is Allison?
Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey’s not buying it.)
Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don’t you guys do something?!
Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]
Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I’m a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I’m afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can’t help you.
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I’m the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I’ll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don’t you follow me!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: How did it go with Erin?
Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore?
Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y’know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.
Phoebe: Didn’t you sleep together?
Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that’s a…
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin’ about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don’t get married before I do.
Joey: Okay.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!
Monica: He might still show up.
Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It’s been three hours.
Monica: Is that all?
Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don’t you tell about your lovely wedding?
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it’s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We’re not even sure why we’re having it.
Monica: It’s actually going to be just family.
Janice: Oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]
Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!
Erin: What about Benitez?
Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?
Erin: What about shut up?
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I’ll be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Rachel: So how’s it goin’ with Joey?
Erin: Uh, okay.
Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.
Erin: Look, he’s a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don’t see this having a future.
Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!
Erin: Kinda.
Phoebe: Then change it back!
Erin: I’m sorry I… It’s just there’s no real spark.
Phoebe: No spark? Didn’t you sleep together?
Erin: Yeah.
Rachel: Ugh, tramp!
Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?
Erin: I really don’t think he does. And y’know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y’know, tell him I’m-I’m not interested in a serious relationship or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you’re kind of a loner.
Erin: Yeah! That would be great!
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you’re a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn’t matter what she said. It’s not important so I don’t need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
Erin: I’m sorry?
Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak.
Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?
Erin: Yeah, let’s go.
Joey: Okay. See you guys later.
Erin: Bye guys.
Rachel: Yeah, see ya.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.
Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]
Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?
Guy: Yeah, we were…we were just looking around.
Ross: Oh-oh, you’re-you’re fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock’s musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
Guy: Uhh….
Ross: Ah… Ah…Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion’s views on evolution?
Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.
Ross: I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.
Woman: I’m sorry, who are you?
Ross: I’m a professor here uh, Ross…Geller.
Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It’s uh—Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?
Ross: Yes! You’re the person who checked out my book?!
Woman: Y’know, you look nothing like I would’ve thought. You’re…you’re so young.
Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
Ross: I am very…very sorry.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: So how was, how was your date?
Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… And guess what, I’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It’s a surprise, but it’s gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship.
Joey: Where are you gettin’ this?
Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she’s kinda a loner.
Joey: Oh. Oh.
Rachel: Joey…
Joey: No hey Rach, it’s cool okay? Y’know I’m a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?
Phoebe: Hey Joey, y’know what? You are way to good for her.
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship.
Joey: No! No. Don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me.
Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you want some pancakes?
Joey: (coming back out) Finally!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Monica: What are we gonna do?
Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
(There’s a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn’t really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren’t they?
Janice: Please, it’s because otherwise I really don’t know what I might do.
Chandler: Aren’t you just a tinsy bit curious?
Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.
Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom)
Monica: We’ll just…we’ll just let her stay.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!
Monica: Kinda like your Barca lounger.
Chandler: Is that what you’re thinking about right now?
Monica: I never stop thinking about it.
Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath.
Chandler: Janice, I’m sorry but umm, you can’t stay here tonight.
Janice: Why not?
Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
(And she does the laugh.)
Janice: Okay, I’m going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? ‘Cause it’s already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
(Chandler does the same nasal sound to Chandler.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!
Janice: Why?
Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for you!
Janice: He does?
Chandler: Say again?
Monica: That’s right. That’s right. And that is why you can’t stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn’t come to the wedding.
Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings.
Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can.
Janice: Oh…my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I’ll go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.]
Ross: (to the guard) Don’t sweat it, I’ve got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I’ve got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people’s eye—(The guard walks away)—Okay, see you later.
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)
Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)
End

多云有时晴

708 The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the kitchen, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the table writing one notepads while Chandler is looking over their shoulders.]
Ross: (entering) Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving!
Chandler: No, no, no. No-no-no.
Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe: Shhhh!
Ross: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a secret this year?
Chandler: No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes.
Ross: What? That's like insanely easy!
Chandler: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen (looks over to Monica).
Monica: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing against other people, so technically I didn't lose.
Ross: What? You forgot fourteen states?
Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas. (That’s true in so many ways, trust me, I’ve lived in one and been to the other.)
[Chandler's watch beeps]
Chandler: Oh, okay, time's up!
Rachel: All right, I got 48.
Chandler: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh, I got tired of naming states. So I decided to list the types of celery, and I have one: regular celery.
Chandler: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in…vegetables, Joey?
Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game.
Ross: Wow, how many have you got?
Joey: Fifty-six!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross is sitting in the couch doing Chandler's game. Chandler is sitting in his barca-lounger. The girls are in the kitchen.]
Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports-team!
Chandler: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? (Joey strikes one from his list) There you go.
[Cut to the girls in the kitchen.]
Rachel: (counting the place settings) How come we have one extra place setting?
Monica: 'Cause you invited your assistant.
Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her.
Monica: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin.
Rachel: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know... you're food is so delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things.
Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, (Laughs) but I still do.
Phoebe: Regular Celery! (Starts to write that on her list) Oh, I already have that. (She gets up and heads for her room)
Ross: Done! With time a-to-spare.
Chandler: Oooh that may be a New World's record (Looks at his watch and picks up Ross' pad)
Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm?
Chandler: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. (Smiles and hands Ross back his pad)
Ross: What? That's impossible.
Joey: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-forgot-ten-states?
Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food!
Chandler: I am only one man! (Monica heads out) Okay Ross, time is up!
Ross: No, just give me another minute.
Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself.
Ross: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right, uhh, I bet I can get all 50 before dinner.
Chandler: Okay, but if you can't…no dinner!
Ross: You're on!
Joey: (gets up) All right. Don't look at my list, Ross, 'cause there's a lot on there that you don't have.
Monica: (entering, to Joey and Rachel) Hey, did you guys know, that your oven doesn't work?
Joey: But the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right?
Monica: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay?
Ross: Pshhshhh!
Monica: Chandler? Can you give me a hand? (Grabs her jacket)
Chandler: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of the United States.
[Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff. Phoebe comes out of her room with a bag.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take a walk.
Ross: Phoebe, why is your bag moving?
Phoebe: Oh, it's not!
Rachel: Seriously, it's moving!
Joey: What the hell is in there?
Phoebe: It's just my knitting that's all! (A dog sticks its head out of Phoebe's bag. Everyone looks puzzled.) Yes! I knit this. I'm very good.
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Chandler enter.]
Monica: Ross’s apartment is nice! How come we don't hang out here more often?
Chandler: I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something.
Monica: That's my pie!
Chandler: Which smells delicious!
Monica: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Chandler: What?
Monica: We left Joey alone with the food! (Walks towards the window and looks out) Yep! Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a dog!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Ross is still doing his list. Rachel and Joey are feeding the dog as the phone rings.]
Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?
Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this?
Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch!
Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue!
Phoebe: No, there's no dog here?
Monica: Yes there is! He's black and white and shaggy and [Cut to Monica’s apartment] he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand.
Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? (Looks around.)
Monica: I'll be right there!
Phoebe: (Phoebe hangs up and someone knocks on the door. She gasps.) They're here already? How are they doing this?
Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag! What are you doing here?
Tag: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still good.
Rachel: Well, sure! Come in! (He enters) Well, what-what happened to your girlfriend?
Tag: We kinda broke up this morning.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.
Tag: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio.
Ross: Ohio!! Thank you!
[Time lapse, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?!
Ross: What dog? There-there's no dog here.
Joey: Yeah that dog left!
Monica: (walks to Phoebe's door) Phoebe! Phoebe, open up!
Phoebe: There's no dog in here.
[The dog barks.]
Chandler: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!
Phoebe: No that's just me coughing! (Doing some weird coughing noises and the dog barks again. Phoebe comes out of the room.) Oh, good, there you are! Listen, um, I have a dog in my room.
Chandler: What is it doing here?
Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. (She bends down, picks up the dog, and waves with one of its paws) Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?
Monica: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but Chandler is allergic!
Chandler: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up!
Phoebe: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living here for the past 3 days
Chandler: (gasping) Really?
Monica: Chandler, if that dog's been here that long, and you haven't had a reaction, maybe you're not allergic to this dog?
Chandler: Well, it still has to go, right?
Monica and Phoebe: Why?
Chandler: Okay, it's um…
Joey: (interrupting him) Don't do it!
Monica: Don't do what?
Chandler: (to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time! (Joey shrugs as if to say, "Do what you have to do") Okay, I hate dogs.
All: What?
Phoebe: Are you crazy?
Ross: Are you out of your mind?
Phoebe: Why?
Joey: Told ya. (Waves bye-bye.)
Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit.
Ross: Right, they are scary. (He jumps up, screaming) Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my hand!!!
Rachel: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs? I mean, not even puppies?
Chandler: (scared) Is there a puppy here?
Tag: You don't like puppies?
Chandler: (to Tag) Okay, you are new!
Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not likin’ ice cream.
Phoebe: You don't like ice cream?
Ross: It's too cold.
Chandler: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable.
Ross: (to Phoebe) It hurts my teeth.
Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!!
[Time lapse, Ross is still doing Chandler's game. Tag is heading for the balcony.]
Ross: How can I not get this? I'm a college professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s.
Monica: 1250.
Ross: Damn, I forgot you were here.
Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross’s. We'll be back in a minute. (Gets up with Monica to do so.)
Rachel: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move?
Phoebe: Oh, I'd say about a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say 3 to 4.
Joey: Half hour. (Rachel turns to look at him and he nods yes.)
Rachel: Interesting.
Monica: When it's your assistant, I would say never.
Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo-point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?
Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he’s obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers.   What he needs right now is for you to be his friend.
Rachel: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay, that's what I'm gonna do.
Joey: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.
[Cut to the balcony, Tag is looking down while Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Tag: Hey.
Rachel: How are you holding up?
Tag: Not bad.
Rachel: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend.
Tag: Thanks.
Rachel: So were you guys together a long time?
Tag: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore.
Rachel: Now that she broke up with you?
Tag: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah. Hmmmm.
Tag: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do you ever have that feeling?
Rachel: No…Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know that I figure it…it has to work out.
Tag: Why?
Rachel: Because, uh—it has to.
Tag: You have all the answers, don't you?
Rachel: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do.
Tag: Hey, thanks for talking to me.
Rachel: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out! (They hug)
Joey: (through the window) All right, he likes you back! Huh? Told ya, you should go for it!
Tag: What?
Joey: (realizes what he said) Street noise drowned any of that out? (Rachel moves madly towards him) No, all right, I see you later, okay... (Turns away embarrassed)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Balcony, continued from earlier.]
Tag: What did Joey say? I like you back?
Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, see, he… Joey knows, that I'm-I'm very insecure about my back and, and…you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it, yeah!
Tag: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any sense.
Rachel: No? (He shakes his head) All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what he said, because um, I'm attracted to you.
Tag: Wow. (He starts to walk towards the railing.)
Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now.
Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car! (He points down to the street)
Rachel: What?
Tag: Right there! That's my car! (Sound of a breaking car-window) Hey!!
Rachel: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you wanna get off your chest?
Tag: I can't believe this! (He walks back in again)
Rachel: (she hurries after him) Wait, we still have time to talk and they’re-they're not even in the car yet! (She takes a quick look down the street.) Oh look, there they go, okay. (She hurries in, too)
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Phoebe sitting on the floor next to Clunkers basket.]
Monica: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go back now.
Phoebe: (doing Clunkers) Please don't leave me, I'll be lonely.
Monica: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be strong.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay.
[They both get up and head for the door. Clunkers whines a little]
Monica: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said Monica! (She goes back to Clunkers again) Oooh, I can't leave her!
Phoebe: You know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't even know.
Monica: That's not gonna work.
Phoebe: I've had that dog there for three days and Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart.
Monica: Hey! I didn't know either.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didn't you?
Monica: Yeah, I knew.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot off small papers, shaped like the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters]
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Here I am.
Phoebe: Wash your hands!!!
Chandler: How did you…know? (Heads back into the bathroom)
[Phoebe waves Monica in. Monica sneaks in with the bag with Clunkers in it and heads for Phoebe's room.]
Ross: Hey! What's she doing back here?
Monica: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice cream!
Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically...
Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom.
Ross: Yeah, but, but look what I'm...
Phoebe: See, this is exactly what we do not have time for. (She rushes into her room)
Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica?
Ross: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in there.
Chandler: Why not?
(We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.)
Ross: Monica's crying. She's very upset about this whole Clunkers thing.
Chandler: Well, I, I should go in there.
Ross: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you right now.
Chandler: Why not?
Ross: Because you sent away the dog!
Chandler: This is ridiculous. (He heads for Phoebe's bedroom)
Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend…Phyllis…take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him. Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed.
Joey: (entering) Okay, I'm in my sweat pants. Bring on the food! (Sees that Chandler has a worried look on his face) What's the matter?
Chandler: Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away.
Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero.
Chandler: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?
Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler: And that doesn't scare you? (He walks out)
Joey: Ross, you need some help?
Ross: From you? (He does a weird desperate laughter, like he's almost crying) Yes, please!
Joey: (sits down next to Ross) First of all, Utah? Dude, you can't just make stuff up!
[Time lapse, Ross still laying a lot out the states.]
Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.
[Joey stands up again. Rachel enters the door]
Joey: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police.
Rachel: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? (In a girlish voice) I have a crush on you; I am attracted to you. (Back to normal again) Gee, I-I know that I freaked him out
Joey: If you said it like that, you probably did, yeah.
[Rachel walks past Joey towards the couch]
Phoebe: (opens her bedroom door and peeks out) Hey, is Chandler here?
Chandler: No, no he went for a walk.
Phoebe: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look whose back!
[The dog barks, runs out of Phoebe's room and jumps onto the couch]
Rachel: (gasps) Hi!
Joey: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over to Ross' to bring the dog back here!
Phoebe: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there!
Joey: You think?
[The door opens and Chandler comes in. Rachel covers the door with a blanket]
Monica: Hi, honey.
Chandler: Please, please, please, don't be mad at me.
Monica: What? Why, why would...
Phoebe: (interrupts her, to Monica) Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y’know, for you, and…(Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street)
Phoebe: We have good news, look whose back!
Rachel: (uncovers the dog) Hi!
Chandler: Clunkers?! Oh my god!
Monica: That's right, she came back all by herself.
Phoebe: It's a Thanksgiving miracle!
Chandler: (to Clunkers) It is so good to see you!
Phoebe: Yeah, she came all the way back from Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have seen! And then she climbed up the fire escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in…(Realizes, that Chandler starts to not believing her) I went to far, didn't I? When should I have stopped?
[Time lapse, after dinner. Ross stands up from his self-made map.]
Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something.
Chandler: It's up to you.
[Ross whines and starts working again. The door opens and Tag enters.]
Rachel: Oh, hi! How are you doing?
Tag: I'm okay. I gotta go down to the police station and look at mug shots.
Rachel: Oh.
Tag: Thanks for having me over, you guys.
Ross: Tag? Y-You're going? (Comes over to Tag) Uh we didn't, uh we didn't get the chance to talk. Uh, so, where did you say you're from again?
Tag: Colorado.
Ross: Ah, what good are you. (Walks back to his map dejectedly.)
[Rachel and Tag go into the hall.]
Rachel: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace.
Tag: Okay.
Rachel: Ah, I-I never should have said what I said. It—y’know what? It just doesn't matter how I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could really ever happen between us, and what I would love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and never talk about this again, okay? Big day Monday lots to do. So, we're okay?
Tag: Um, I'm not.
Rachel: Oh, god, I know it, that I freaked you out.
Tag: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked me out was you saying that nothing could ever happen between us.
Rachel: Really?
Tag: Yeah, so, please don't fire me for doing this. (He kisses her)
Rachel: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have to do on Monday.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, later that night, there is someone knocking on the door and Chandler stumbles out into the living room, turns on the light, looks through the peephole, and opens the door.]
Ross: Delaware! (Starting to cry.) Delaware!
Chandler: All right.
Ross: (hands Chandler his pad and walks in) I want my turkey now!
Chandler: You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross got the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap and it) You got Nevada twice.
Ross: (pauses) I know.
Chandler: Yeah. (Throws the pad on the table and heads for the bedroom)
End

多云有时晴

709 The One With All The Candy
[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are they also.]
Ben: (on the bike) I’m ready!
Ross: You sure?
Ben: Uh-huh!
Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.)
Ben: (To Chandler) Thanks daddy.
Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it’s all yours. (Ross pushes him off.)
Chandler: Okay. Okay.
Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! (Everyone stands and claps.)
Phoebe: His first big kid’s bike, this is so exciting!
Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I got it, and…it bent.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own.
Ross: (shocked) What?!
Phoebe: Well, we didn’t have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on.
Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one.
Ross: Ohh.
Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?
Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (They’re all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.
Ross: That is so unfair!
Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too! (They all nod, "Oh.")
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is entering from the bedroom.]
Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors.
Chandler: I’m sorry, who?
Monica: I’m gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table) on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.
Chandler: But we don’t know the neighbors.
Joey: I do. There’s uh, let’s see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I’ve Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.
Monica: See? This is exactly why I’m making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors.
Chandler: Wouldn’t it be easier if we just moved?
Rachel: (entering, happily) Gooood morning!!
Chandler: Eh, somebody’s in a good mood!
Rachel: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job!
Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant.
Rachel: Come on, it’s not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.
Monica: Oh yeah, what’s the plan?
Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We… We are not… …going to let it… be a problem.
Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?!
Rachel: Well y’know, we did other stuff too. (Joey and Chandler start to giggle.)
Monica: Did you two…
Rachel: Oh Monica come on, y’know I don’t sleep with guys on the first date!
Monica: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire…
Rachel: Anymore!!
Monica: Okay.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s at her desk while the mailman delivers her mail and calls Tag in.]
Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct?
Tag: Yes, at 4:00.
Rachel: Okay, thank you. That’ll be all. (The mail guy leaves and Tag starts to follow, but Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! (Rushes over and closes the office-door.) Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us. (They kiss.)
Tag: I’d better get back to my desk.
Rachel: Okay, you hard worker! I’ll remember to put that in your evaluation.
Tag: My what?
Rachel: Well, you’ve been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But y’know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. (She turns around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and hops up onto it.)
Tag: Are you serious?
Rachel: No, I’ve just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up?
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning and Monica finds her basket is empty.]
Monica: The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy!
Chandler: Well, either that or uh…(Motions towards Joey’s door.)
Monica: Joey!!
(She storms into his apartment to find him with a towel around his shoulders, a bowl on his head, and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.)
Joey: Yeah?
Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?!
Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!
Phoebe: Yeah, and they’ve been coming by all day. They love it!
Monica: They love my candy? Oh man!!! I’ve gotta go make more!! (Starts to do so.)
Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something might’ve happened to a huge chunk of it.
(Ross enters.)
Monica: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!!
Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It’s like a crime wave!! (Monica runs to make more candy.) Pheebs, you uh, you got a second.
Phoebe: Sure!
Ross: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so…
(He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a bike exactly like the one Phoebe described earlier.)
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God Ross!!
Ross: You like it?
Phoebe: I love it!!
Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you!
Ross: Ahh.
Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer!
Ross: Ah! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y’know give it a test ride.
Phoebe: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I’ve ever gotten.
Ross: (stunned at the complement) You’re welcome.
Phoebe: (starts to leave, but stops) Oh and Chandler’s about to cry.
Chandler: (about to cry) Am not!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the middle of the night, there is someone knocking on the door and Monica and Chandler get up to answer it.]
Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?!
Chandler: Don’t worry, I’m brave! I am brave! I…I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?
The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs.
(Monica opens the door.)
Gary: Hi!
Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is?
Gary: It’s candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven.
Monica: Oh please! (To Chandler) Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven.
Chandler: (laughs) 4:00 A.M.
Gary: So, can I get some candy?
Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us.
Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but I’ll put some out first thing in the morning.
Gary: Well okay, I’ll swing by later. Do you live in this building?
Monica: Um-hmm.
Gary: (looking at Monica.) Mm! Seems like I would’ve remembered you!
Chandler: Mm! Night Gar’! (Monica closes the door.)
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s slinking out to where Tag works and checks to make sure no one is coming.]
Rachel: (hugging him) So did you read your evaluation yet?
Tag: No! It was marked confidential I just sent it down to Human Resources.
Rachel: (worried) Okay please, you’re kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you!
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel: I’m thinkin’ no.
Tag: What did you say?!
Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny touchie.
Tag: No, not my touchie.
Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.]
Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried.
Joey: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried!
Chandler: Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic!
Joey: (about to cry) Those two only had each other!
Ross: Phoebe really likes the bike huh?
Monica: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin’ it down the street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute.
Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin’ it by the park.
Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?
[Cut to outside, they’re going to talk to Phoebe about walking the bike.]
Joey: Hey Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh hi!
Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike?
Phoebe: Ohh, uh-huh so much!
Ross: Pheebs you uh…you do know how to ride a bike don’t you?
Phoebe: Of course!
Monica: Umm, can we see you ride it?
Phoebe: Okay. (The gang is giggles then Phoebe gets the bike out of the rack, gets on, pushes off, rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy while Chandler and Rachel are taste testing and Joey is on the couch doodling.]
Monica: See, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And here is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs. (To Chandler) Did you hear that Chandler? No such thing!
Chandler: (with his mouth full) What happened? I’m just eating candy.
Rachel: Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Y’know, maybe they didn’t take it the way I meant it.
Chandler: Absolutely! Y’know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker.
Rachel: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back!
Joey: Hey Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like this? (He shows her what he’s been drawing.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Joey!
Chandler: What is the matter with you?
Rachel: Ugh!
Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn.
(There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.)
The Woman: Hi! I’m sorry, I know it’s after hours but I really need candy.
Monica: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. See? (Points to her new sign.) Rules are rules.
The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy!
Monica: No kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell ‘em?
The Woman: I told ‘em your candy is absolutely indescribable!
Monica: Some people have been saying its y’know little drops of heaven, but whatever.
The Woman: Please, can’t you help me out?
Joey: (watching the discussion) Hey Chandler, do we know that lady?
Chandler: Maybe, isn’t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?
Monica: (still talking to the woman) All right, I’ll do it just this once! But you can’t tell anybody!
The Woman: (exasperatedly) Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!
Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that’s her.
The Woman: (after Monica gives her the candy) Thank you.
Monica: (closing the door) It’s unbelievable! I-I can’t believe that sign didn’t work!
Chandler: Y’know what would work?
Monica: Hmm?
Chandler: Stop making candy!
Monica: But they like it!
Chandler: You mean they like you.
Monica: Maybe.
Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?
Monica: Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh, funny man? (Joey laughs but stops when Chandler turns to glare at him.)
[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Phoebe how to ride her bike.]
Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you’ll be fine. Okay? Here we go. Ready…Set…
Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seat—or a beanbag chair!
Ross: Phoebe, you can’t get out of this! Okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike!
Phoebe: Why? Why do I have to learn?
Ross: Well…In-in case of emergency.
Phoebe: What kind of an emergency?
Ross: Well let there—what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says, "You ride this bike or I’ll sh…I’ll shoot you."
Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star.
Ross: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike and—Hey! I’ll hold you up and-and push you. Okay?
Phoebe: You won’t let go?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: Swear?!
Ross: I swear!
Phoebe: (thinks it over) Okay.
Ross: Come on. (She gets on the bike.) All right, here we go. All right? (They start.)
Phoebe: All right.
Ross: All right. Feel good?
Phoebe: Well…
Ross: All right, try pedaling.
Phoebe: Okay. (Does so.)
Ross: That’s it, your doing great.
Phoebe: Okay.
Ross: Doing great! Yes-yes-yes! Take control! Yes!
Phoebe: Weee!!! (Ross pushes her and lets go.)
Ross: Yes!! Yes!!! (He starts clapping and Phoebe turns around to look at him and falls off the bike.)
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh no!! You swore!
Ross: I-I just thought you were doing so well. I…
Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!! (She storms off leaving Ross to defend himself from the angry looks from onlookers.)
Ross: It’s a legitimate learning technique. (Looking around and seeing the woman behind him glaring at him.) Wow!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy like mad as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, there’s uh, some people outside, askin’ about candy.
Monica: Well, they’re just gonna have to wait aren’t they? I’ve only got two hands!!
Ross: Need some help?
Monica: No! You don’t know the system! There’ll be nobody messing with the system!
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebe’s room.)
[Cut to Phoebe’s room, Phoebe has put her helmet on one of her teddy bears and is playing around with it. Ross knocks and pokes his head in the door.]
Phoebe: (seeing him) Oh, hello liar.
Ross: (entering) Look, I-I’m really sorry I let go of the bike.
Phoebe: I could’ve been killed I hope you know!
Ross: I know. I know. But, can we please try it again? Huh? I mean, you were so close Phoebe!
Phoebe: Well, I would love to but…the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects. (Ross just happens to have his hand on a sheet that is covering something that suspiciously looks like a bike.)
Ross: Phoebe.
Phoebe: What?! (Ross rings the bell.) What the hell?!
Ross: All right, y’know what? If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then I’m sorry, I’m just gonna have to take it back.
Phoebe: What?! Why?!
Ross: Because! Because, it-it-it’s… It’d be like you having this guitar (Points to hers) and-and never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be played! And-and this bike wants to be ridden and-and if you don’t ride it you-you’re-you’re killing its spirit! (Pause) The bike is dying.
Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay.
Ross: Great! Great! (He runs to the door.) You’re making the bike very happy.
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Okay Ross! (Ross exits and she says quietly to the bike) Please don’t die!
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Tag and her are planning how to get the review back.]
Rachel: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but we’re gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner’s office. Now, he doesn’t get in until 10, so he’s no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk.
Tag: That’s kinda sad.
Rachel: Yeah, well Betty’s kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. (Holding up the box of chocolates.) Now, while I distract her, you get in the office.
Tag: Got it!
Rachel: Let’s roll!
(They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.)
Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute?
Rachel: (worried and shocked) Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you anything—minute. Okay. Fine. (To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start to usher Tag out.)
Mr. Zelner: Uh actually, I’d like to speak with both of you.
Rachel: Okay. Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates? (Holds up the box.)
Mr. Zelner: Umm, no. Thanks, but I’ll give these to Betty. (Rachel glances at Tag to say, "See?") So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something going on with you two?
Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God. Can you imagine if there was?! I mean, (getting serious) what would happen exactly.
Mr. Zelner: Well, I’d be forced to file a report. I’d have to consult with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy.
Rachel: Well…
Tag: (interrupting) Uh Mr. Zelner, I’m the one who filled in that evaluation.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no…
Tag: (interrupting again) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I thought it would be funny.
Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute touchie?
Tag: (pause) Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and I’m kinda strangely proud of my butt.
Mr. Zelner: It’s kind of a risky joke Tag, and what is-what is this drawing I can’t figure out what this is?
Rachel: You’re lookin’ at it upside down—y’know what? (Grabs the evaluation and throws it out.) It doesn’t matter.
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, it’s not like I don’t have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there’s a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? (They both nod no.) No? Okay, well uh, you’ve (Grabs the chocolates.) got my fax number. (Exits.)
Rachel: Whoa! I can’t believe you did that. That was really sweet.
Tag: No, don’t worry about it.
Rachel: No, you could’ve lost your job.
Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I’d find work.
Rachel: Thank you! You’re great! (They kiss.)
Tag: Y’know what?
Rachel: What?
Tag: I feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks over to her desk, sweeps its contents onto the floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What?
Rachel: I… It just—it took me so long to get that desk organized.
Tag: Oh, I’m sorry. (He bends over to pick the stuff up.)
Rachel: (looking at his butt) There it is. (They hug.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is returning from work to see the hallway jammed full of people waiting outside their door.]
Chandler: (asking a man leaning against the wall) What is going on?
The Man: We’re waiting for the candy. (Yelling at the door.) Bring out the candy!
Joey: Yeah lady! Give us candy!!
Chandler: Joey!
Joey: What’s up buddy?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Waiting for candy.
Chandler: Get in here! (They head for the door and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in ecstasy) Merry Christmas.
Monica: (opening the door and frantically) Okay, guys! The candy is coming; I just need another 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool!
All: We want candy! We want candy now! (And other general commotion sounds.)
Chandler: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I’ll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?
The Man: (from earlier) Candy Lady?
Chandler: No not (imitating) Candy Lady.
Joey: (stepping in and knocking the man over) Hey, if we know it can we have candy?!!
Chandler: All right, y’know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You’ve ruined it! Go home! You’ve ruined it! You’ve ruined it!
Joey: That’s right, it’s all ruined! You guys ruined everything! You ruined it! (Steps into the apartment and Chandler closes the door.) (Joey struts over to the candy and starts eating it.)
Monica: (To Chandler) Thank you.
Chandler: You’re welcome. (They kiss.)
Monica: Did you smoke?
Chandler: No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh—are you okay?
Monica: I’m fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door.
Joey: (with his mouth full) Oh yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever, I don’t know… (Grabs the note.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Park, Phoebe is now riding her bike with ease and stops in front of Ross. They both giggle.]
Phoebe: I can’t believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I never thought I’d be able to do that! Thank you Ross.
Ross: Oh hey, don’t thank me, thank yourself. You’re the one who faced her fears and ultimately overcame them.
Phoebe: Don’t be so corny Ross, it’s not an after-school special. (She rides off and the camera pans down to reveal two shiny, silver training wheels firmly attached.)
End