看Friends学英语-Season Six

多云有时晴

610 The One With The Routinue
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the tree.]
Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights.
Rachel: That’s a good story, Grandpa.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey
All: Hey
Ross: Wow, Monica’s letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or?
Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It’s about being with the people that you love.
Phoebe: That is nice and we’re done. TADA!
(Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)
Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesn’t quite feel like Christmas to me.
Monica: Oh, here.
(She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing)
Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there.]
Ross: … and that’s the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life’s triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago.
Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Hey you guys.
Chandler: Hey Joe what’s up?
Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. Y’know, everywhere I look she’s like… (He imitates her stretching)
Chandler: I can see why that’s hard to resist.
Joey: I like her so much!
Monica: Aw, I’m sorry sweetie that she doesn’t feel the same way.
Joey: I know. And she’s so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair.
Chandler: You are aware that she’s not a monkey, right?
Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now she’s like OLD NEWS!
(Janine enters)
Janine: Hey guys!
Ross: Hi Janine!
Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Year’s Eve. It’s called some sort of Dick’n Rock’n Dickie Eve.
Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve?
Janine: Yeah, that’s what I said.
Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember!
Chandler: Ah, you’re still just a little fat girl inside aren’t you? (He kisses her on the cheek)
Janine: Well I’m gonna be on it this year. I’m gonna be one of the party people.
Ross: You’re gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most!
Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner?
Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Year’s with you.
Janine: Well actually they’re taping tomorrow. I don’t really understand why.
Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too?
Ross: Are you serious?
Monica: We are there!
(Rachel laughs)
Chandler: What, what are you laughing at?
Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but you’re still going out with her!
(Gunther brings Janine a coffee)
Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later!
(Janine leaves)
All: Bye!
Ross: Bye Janine!
Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date?
Chandler: I don’t think so.
Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium!
Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that was a romantic thing.
Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We’re going to a New Year’s Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Y’know? But if she says ‘Dude, what the hell are you doing?’ I can say ‘It wasn’t me, it was New Years!’
Rachel: Well, that’s a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick.
Ross: It was a dry day.
Monica: We are going to Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve!
Ross: Oh my God!
Monica: Oh my God!
Chandler: (To Rachel) Oh my God!
[Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in.]
Joey: OK, listen I’ve been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? It’s a show, but we’re just dancing, OK? It’s no big deal. The important thing to remember – stay cool.
Ross: Got it!
(They get to the main stage)
Ross: Oh my God it’s just like I dreamed it!
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
(Monica and Ross push to the front)
Monica and Ross: ‘Scuse us
Director: Here’s what’s gonna happen. The music’s gonna start, you’re gonna dance, we’re gonna tape, you don’t look at the camera. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air?
(He and Monica laugh)
Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.
Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I’m right here.
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don’t you take a walk? This doesn’t concern you.
Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Chandler: What? That’s terrible!
Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!
Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible.
Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She’s always best at us that wily minx.
Rachel: Don’t worry, we’re just gonna search here for an hour, them we’re gonna go over to Joey’s and search, OK?
Chandler: No not okay, you can’t look for Monica’s presents!
Phoebe: But we have to!
Chandler: No, you don’t have to, and you can’t because I live here too.
Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Chandler, aren’t you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe: Oh, that’s it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea!
Rachel: Chandler, that’s not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you’ve just gotten her one great present? I mean that’s just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: If I help, we can find ‘em faster!
Rachel: That’s right!
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel: Oh, it’s a Macy’s bag!
(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
Phoebe: Ooh, who’s it for?
Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really think I’d hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they’d break you.
Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us.
Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year.
Chandler: Y’know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don’t, you don’t do that every year do you?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: You don’t, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?
Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that
(They turn away.)
Chandler: Because that’s where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I’ve never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)
[Scene: The Set, everyone is dancing.]
Monica: Okay, here comes another camera.
Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose.
(As the camera passes by, they start to dance really rigid, but the camera is facing the other way.)
Ross: Why do they keep doing that?
Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. They’ve been taping those people up there all day.
Ross: Right.
(They move towards a platform, dancing really strangely as they go)
Ross: Hey, what’d you guys do to get up on there?
Girl: We learned how to dance.
Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants?
Ross: Yeah!
(Camera pans to Joey and Janine)
Janine: Hey! You’re a good dancer!
Joey: Really?
Janine: Yeah, well you’d be better if you just loosened your hips a little.
Joey: What do you mean?
Janine: Like this.
(She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.)
Janine: That’s it, feel the rhythm. That’s better.
Joey: Uh-huh.
Director: (To Joey) Okay, you’re dancing with that girl over there.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together!
Director: I don’t see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot.
Director: Really, y’think so? I don’t..
(He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler enters.]
Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey!
Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.
Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!
Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you.
Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great!
Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?
Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.
Rachel: Ha!
Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?
Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey!
(Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.)
[Scene: The Set, the girl is still dancing with Joey.]
Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a platform) Here we go. (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers!
Ross: We know!
Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? He’s the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him.
Ross: Okay.
(They dance over to him.)
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
(Ross and Monica high-five)
Director: Next on the platforms are… (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where he’s pointing to. He points away from them) …you two! And… (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) …You two!
Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I weren’t wearing underpants?
Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it?
(The director shakes his head.)
[Scene: The Men’s Bathroom, the tall guy is there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that you’re dancing with.
Tall Guy: She’s nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown – I’m trying to win her over, so I was wondering if..
Tall Guy: No I don’t think so.
Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she’s real, uh, mellow!
Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with?
Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know…
Tall Guy: No, no. She’s fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy!
Joey: Alright, alright, hey y’know fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his hands) if you’re right, you’re right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws water on the guy’s pants)
Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey, now you’re the one who wet his pants. (He throws another handful on him and runs out)
[Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.]
Monica: Man, this sucks! Y’know if Mom and Dad don’t see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who’s gonna be the losers then?
Ross: Hey, I know what’ll get us up on a platform!
Monica: What?
Ross: The routine!
Monica: Ross, we haven’t done the routine since middle school.
Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he’ll wanna build us our own platform!
Monica: Was it really that good?
Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it’s almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?
Monica: Okay, let’s do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!
(They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers)
Monica: 5 6 7 8!
(They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. I’m sorry.)
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
Ross: So, do we really have to ask who’s going up on the platform next?
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
Monica: Yes! (They run over to a platform)
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, they’re gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again it’s gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody’s excitement.
[Cut to Joey and Janine]
Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my partner.
Director: What’s going on over here?
Joey: Uh, take a look at the guy’s pants! I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but don’t you think he went a little overboard?
Director: What’s the matter with you? Get out of here!
Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants!
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
[Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!]
Ross: Can you believe this? We’re gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment!
Monica: I know! Hey, you haven’t been practising the routine, have you?
Ross: No!
Monica: Me too!
Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, y’know? (He mimics a robot)
Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don’t wanna look stupid!
Director: Alright we’re back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)
Joey’s Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.
All: Three, Two, One!
Director: Cut!
Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year!
Director: Okay, here’s where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone that’s a wrap!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters with the Chick and the Duck.]
Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found!
Chandler: Oh, hey guys!
Phoebe: Y’know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.
Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.
Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? No! Didn’t think so! Okay, c’mon guys, show us where the presents are!
Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that’s as good as garbage?
Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz?
(Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it)
Rachel: Hey, this is hollow.
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: This bench, it’s hollow! I can’t believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!!
Phoebe: No, don’t look directly at them!
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them!
Rachel: Oh, this one’s for me!
Phoebe: Oh, this one’s for Chandler. Here.
Chandler: Oh great!
Phoebe: And the big one’s for me!
Rachel: Ooh, let’s open them!
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay!
Phoebe: Hee hee!
Chandler: Wait, we can’t do this.
Phoebe and Rachel: Why?
Chandler: I don’t wanna know what Monica got me. Y’know? I mean, look, I’m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.
Rachel: Whatever Linus, I’m opening mine.
Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don’t know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica’s face when I give her my present, and I’m sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?
Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts?
Chandler: Fine!
(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)
Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?
Chandler: That’s what you got me?
Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless.
(Rachel leans over to look at him.)
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, they both enter.]
Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how the New Year’s gonna go off. I guess there’s no reason for all that Y2K panic, y’know? Anyway, g’night!
Janine: Joey.
Joey: Yeah?
Janine: (She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses him) Happy New Year.
Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for?
Janine: Well, I don’t know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn’t get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you
Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment.
Janine: In the moment, yeah.
Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again?
Janine: Sure, New Year’s Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait?
Joey: No.
Janine: Me neither.
Joey: 3, 2,
Janine: Joey, you don’t have to count down every time we kiss.
Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready.
(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there.]
Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled ‘CUT!’
Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade?
Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me!
Rachel: ‘Cos I was gonna say there’s no way you could’ve done the end the way you guys did it back then!
Monica: What? We could do it!
Ross: I don’t know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then.
Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, let’s go. (She and Ross get up)
Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way)
Monica: I can’t do it! (Ross falls into Monica’s room)
Chandler: Now you do that, you’re on TV.
End

多云有时晴

611 The One With The Apothecary Table
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Joey enters happily.]
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine?
Monica: Honey, we have been through this before!
Rachel: Yeah. Don’t do this to yourself.
Phoebe: She’s made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.
Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn’t get to excited about the fact (excitedly) that I just kissed her!
Monica: You serious?!
Chandler: That’s great!
Monica: Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah well, we’ll see.
Ross: You kissed her.
Joey: Oh we kissed it up real nice.
Chandler: So you kissed her, so what happened after that?
Joey: I came over here to tell you guys.
Chandler: So she’s just waiting over there for ya?
(Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty much making out at one of the tables as Monica and Rachel look on from the couch.]
Janine: I gotta go.
Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)
Janine: I’m gonna be really late for dance class!
Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)
Janine: Okay, now I’m really late. (Gets up.)
Joey: Okay, I’m all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips? (She kisses him on the cheek and starts to leave.)
Janine: (to Monica and Rachel) Bye.
Monica: Bye. (Janine exits.)
Joey: Have you kissed her yet? It’s awesome! I could do it forever! Y’know what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks!
Monica: I am so glad you said cooks.
Rachel: I know.
Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.
Chandler: I’m not your garbage man. I’m your mailman.
Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. (Shows her the picture.)
Monica: You got it from Pottery Barn?!
Rachel: Yeah! It’s an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is?
Chandler: A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)
Monica: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.
Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed!
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!
Joey: (indignant) I was tired!
Rachel: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?!
Monica: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it.
Rachel: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store.
Monica: It’s gotta be one of a kind. Y’know like umm, y’know uh, what’s that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?
Joey: Hey! I made that for her!
Chandler: You made pottery?
Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage.
Monica: I’m telling—If you put that in her apartment you’ll never hear the end of it.
Rachel: Okay fine! I’ll-I’ll just tell her it’s an antique apothecary table, she doesn’t have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs.
Chandler: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore…
[Scene: The Hallway between the apartments, Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are returning from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke.]
Chandler: …so then the farmer says, "That’s not a cow and you’re not milking it." (Everyone laughs.)
Monica: I am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one!
Chandler: Look at us, we’re a couple of couples!
Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant.
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: And Chandler I can’t believe I let you pay for this one. (They hug and he whispers in his ear.) Thanks man.
Monica: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? I’ll make that pasta thing I was telling you about.
Janine: Oh that would be great!
Joey: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine.
Monica: Joey, you don’t have too!
Joey: Nope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again and whispers to him.) You get the wine right?
Chandler: Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay, good night guys.
Joey: See ya tomorrow!
Monica: Tomorrow!
Janine: Can’t wait! (They each go into their respective apartments.)
[Cut to Joey and Janine’s.]
Janine: How are we gonna get out of that one?
Joey: What?
Janine: I can’t handle two nights in a row with them.
Joey: What-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Janine: I don’t know, they’re just a little blah!
Joey: Blah?!
Janine: Well y’know, he’s blah, she’s just—she’s very loud for such a small person.
Joey: Uh, they’re like my best friends. Are you saying we can’t hang out with them? ‘Cause that would kinda be a problem.
Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just y’know, not two nights in a row. Okay?
Joey: I guess.
Janine: Thank you. (They kiss.)
Joey: If you want, I’ll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents.
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is placing CDs into her antique apothecary table as Phoebe returns home.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: (sees the table) Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it?
Rachel: Guess!
Phoebe: Umm, a flea market?
Rachel: Ha! See, I knew, I knew you’d get it on the first guess. Isn’t it cool! It’s an apothecary table.
Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (She’s opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
Rachel: Ohh, yes.
Phoebe: Y’know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.
Rachel: Almost.
Phoebe: How much was it?
Rachel: It was only 500 bucks.
Phoebe: 500 bucks at a flea market?!
Rachel: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y’know like back then.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Rachel: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y’know, it was like a dollar.
Phoebe: A dollar?
Rachel: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars.
Phoebe: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing.
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Well, what period is it from?
Rachel: Uh, it’s from yore. Like the days of yore. Y’know?
Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it’s just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y’know where it was from or…
Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains.
Phoebe: (gasps) White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place.
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is entering as Ross comes out of the kitchen carrying popcorn.]
Rachel: Hey! We’re here!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: (seeing his new table) Ohh! Oh my God!
Ross: You like it?
Rachel: Oh no!
Ross: It’s my new apothecary table!
Rachel: Ross! Phoebe’s gonna be here any second, she cannot see this!
Ross: Well why not?! She’ll-she’ll love it! It’s the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn.
Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she’s gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original.
Ross: Why did you do that?
Rachel: Because she hates Pottery Barn.
Ross: She hates Pottery Barn?!!
Rachel: I know! I know, she says it’s all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. (Ross looks at his table.) So come on, she’s gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! Please?
Ross: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe—Ooh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets! (Gets them.)
Rachel: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets!
Ross: Uh, yeah! I still can’t believe she hates Pottery Barn!
Rachel: Ross, get over it! It’s not like she hates you.
Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y’know what I think? It’s just she-she’s weird. Y’know it’s because she’s a twin. Twins are weird.
Rachel: Ross, she’s not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.
Ross: Huh. Y’know what’s not one of a kind? A twin!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Ooh, Phoebe’s here! Okay, let’s turn out all the lights and we’ll just watch the movie!
Phoebe: Okay. Hey—Ooh, cool sheets! (Notices the sheet over the table.)
Ross: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it?
Phoebe: Sure!
Rachel: He got it a flea market!
Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little.
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Joey is pacing around as Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: Hey!
Joey: Hi!
Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting.
Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn’t afford it, because you paid dinner last night.
Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it’s just gonna be me again tonight.
Monica: What happened to Janine?
Joey: Oh, she’s uh-uh really sick.
Chandler: Oh that’s too bad.
Joey: Yeah, she’s been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high fever, a nose problem… Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!
Janine: (entering from her room) Monica! Chandler! I’m really-really sorry about tonight. I don’t know if Joey told you; I just couldn’t get out of going to this play. I’m sorry. Have a great time.
Joey: ‘Kay!
Janine: Bye. (Exits)
Chandler: That’s funny, I saw no phlegm.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, continued from earlier.]
Joey: No-no, she really is sick!
Chandler: Then why-why is she going to a play?!
Joey: Uh, y’know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold.
Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?!
Joey: Well uh, she didn’t want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. I’m so sorry.
Chandler: Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!
Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are too loud.
Monica: (loudly) What?!! (Quietly) What?
Chandler: So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!
Monica: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer to her!
Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot!
Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, don’t-don’t be mad. I’m sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! Y’know? And it was our first date! Plus, she’s really sick!
Chandler: No, you sh—No you said you made that up!!
Joey: I know, but don’t you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?
Chandler: Eh, they’re both good. I generally just go with, Monica’s drunk again. (Monica glares at him.)
Joey: Come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh? She’ll come around I promise.
Monica: Of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner.
Chandler: Okay.
(They exit and close the door.)
Monica: (from the hallway) I do not like that woman!
Joey: (shouting) I can hear you!
Monica: I am loud!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie.]
All: Aww! (They all laugh.)
Rachel: That’s funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up on Ross’s table.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new…(On Rachel’s glare)…old sheet?
Phoebe: Oh sure! (She goes to take her feet off, but drags the sheet with her which spills the wine.) Noo!
Rachel: Ohh!!
Ross: My apothecary table!!!
Phoebe: What?!
Rachel: Noooooo!! (Phoebe lifts up the sheet to discover the exact same apothecary table they have.)
Phoebe: Ross, where did you get this?!
Ross: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?!
Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique!
Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if they’ve ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars!
Rachel: Oh yes.
Phoebe: Well this doesn’t even smell like opium.
Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way.
Phoebe: Oh Ross, calm down, I’ll give you the 80 cents. (Ross glares at Rachel)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.]
Chandler: Okay, one more time.
Monica: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?
Chandler: Perfect decibel.
Monica: (loudly) I know!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: So uh, what are you guys doing?
Chandler: Oh nothing, we’re just talking. Y’know, blah-blah-blah.
Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.
Monica: Well, I’d like to but, (extremely quietly) I’m not sure we have time to go.
Joey: Ha-ha, very funny—Look! I don’t know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me!
Monica: We owe you?!
Joey: That’s right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars!
Monica: We didn’t give you any money! (Chandler is motioning, "No!")
Joey: You don’t think I know that!
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is showing Ross around the newly decorated living room.]
Rachel: …see I can’t decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table.
Ross: Wow! I didn’t know that there was a Pottery Barn up here.
Rachel: I know, I know. I went a little crazy.
Ross: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh look at that! The ornamental bird cage! Large!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: (sees Ross) Oh Ross no. Be careful, that is very old! Okay? Early Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that.
Ross: (glaring at Rachel) Fascinating.
Phoebe: (gasps) Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too!
Rachel: Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial times.
Phoebe: Ah!
Ross: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel? (She glares at him.)
Rachel: Well there’s yore. And uh, y’know, yesteryear.
Phoebe: Yeah no, I’m telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, y’know if you ever decide you need to redecorate—And I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.
Rachel: Oh honey he doesn’t need my help.
Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think he’s ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk.
Ross: Really?! (To Rachel) Hey, y’know what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here’s-here’s 60 bucks, why don’t you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff.
Rachel: (not sure of what to do) Y’know what? I don’t, I don’t think Phoebe really wants to come.
Phoebe: No! I do want to!
Rachel: Oh, she does want to.
Ross: She does want to.
Phoebe: Yeah!
[Scene: The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are heading back from that Colonial flea market.]
Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t know what to say. I guess the flea market was just better last time.
Phoebe: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross.
Rachel: Yeah.
(They walk by a Pottery Barn window display.)
Phoebe: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck!
Rachel: Yeah, y’know what? Don’t look at it. (Realizes the display is their living room) Seriously, don’t look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe away.)
Phoebe: No! Look-look! There’s the coffee table they stole from us!
Rachel: Ugh, those bastards! Let’s go.
Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the…wait a sec! This is our exact living room!
Rachel: No! No! No! No it’s not! No it’s not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don’t have the… (Looks desperately for something different.) We don’t have the…that lamp! And-and that screen is y’know, on the other side.
Phoebe: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God!
Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay look—no I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just… Come on don’t be mad.
Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it’s all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don’t have that lamp!
Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross.
Phoebe: I can’t! I can’t! Unless… Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn’t buy that lamp?
Rachel: What?! No! I’m not gonna move out!
Phoebe: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn’t buy that lamp?
Rachel: (gets it) Oh. Yes! I would so move out!
Phoebe: Okay then I don’t have a choice! I have to buy that lamp!
Rachel: That’s right!
(They start to go inside.)
Phoebe: But at least the apothecary table is real.
[Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second date.]
Joey: Well, this-this-this was great. Didn’t everybody have a great time?
Janine: Well I did. I really did. And you guys, I’ve got to say, I’m sorry if I was a little weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous or something.
Chandler: That’s totally understandable.
Monica: Don’t worry about it.
Janine: So we can go out again?
Chandler: Oh yeah!
Monica: Absolutely!
Janine: Oh good.
Joey: Oh well then, good night!
Monica: Good night! (They go into their respective apartments.)
[Cut to Joey and Janine’s, they’re entering.]
Joey: See? Eh, wasn’t that fun?
Janine: We have got to move!
Monica: (bursting in) I knew it!! Y’know, you’re not so quiet yourself, missy!
Chandler: And I’m blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."
Janine: Y’know, I know you’re talking, but all I hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah-blah-blah."
Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Let’s go! Right now!
Joey: All right! All right! Enough! Enough! Enough!! Enough! (To Chandler and Monica) You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine! (They start to leave.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know I think you can take her.
Monica: (to Janine) You’d better hope I don’t see you in the hallway!! (They exit.)
Joey: All right, uh, we’ve got a little bit of a problem here. These people are my friends; you can’t treat them that way.
Janine: They said stuff to me too, y’know!
Joey: I know! I know! And I’m going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They… They’re like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I… I don’t think we can be together. It just, it just can’t work. It can’t. (Starts to break up) I’m very upset.
Janine: Okay. Okay. Would, would it help if I went over and apologized?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful! Yeah. (He opens the door for her and she exits into the hallway.)
[Cut to the hallway, Janine is entering as Monica is taking out the garbage.]
Monica: What did I tell you about the hall?!
Janine: I was just coming over here to apologize for my behavior! I’d really like it if we could be friends.
Monica: Well, I know that would make Joey happy, so, I would like that too.
Janine: Great.
Monica: Now come on. (They hug like men.) Well, I’m glad we worked things out.
Janine: Me too.
Monica: Okay.
Janine: I’ll see you.
Monica: Bye. (Leaves to resume her garbage removal task.)
Janine: (muttering to herself) Or I’ll hear you.
Monica: (hearing that) That’s it big girl! (Hits Janine in the butt with the garbage bag) Come on!
Janine: Wait! (Janine pauses, then runs down the stairs.)
Monica: (chasing her) You’d better run!
(Joey and Chandler both come into the hallway.)
Chandler: Did you hear that?
Joey: Yeah uh, what am I gonna do?
Chandler: Yeah, I’m sorry man. (Pause) You wanna go watch?
Joey: Yeah! (They head downstairs.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: How ya doin’?
Chandler: Hey so, did uh, did she move out?
Joey: Pretty much, yeah.
Monica: I cannot believe you broke up with her just like that.
Joey: Well, when it’s not right, you know it.
Chandler: You okay?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah. I’ll be all right.
Ross: Y’know what would cheer you up?
Joey: What?
Ross: I’m giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come.
Joey: (laughing hysterically) You’re right! That did cheer me up!
End

多云有时晴

612 The One With The Joke
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.]
Ross: Hey, you’re not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it!
Phoebe: I didn’t know Playboy prints jokes.
Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It’s not just about the pictures.
Monica: That didn’t work on mom, it’s not going to work on us.
Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It’s the first one, too.
(They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who’s a little angry.)
Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.
Ross: What?
Chandler: I made that joke up.
Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. I did.
Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard.
Ross: Hey, tell Dan, ‘Thanks.’
(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
Ross: What?
Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)
Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Seriously?
Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!
Ross: Look, Chandler, it’s my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys.
Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke.
Ross: No, it’s my joke, it’s mine. You can call them, they’ll tell you.
Chandler: It’s my joke.
Ross: It’s my joke.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Joey: Let’s go watch it at your place.
Chandler: Nah, Monica’s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don’t want to miss when they were skinny.
Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y’know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.
Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?
Joey: No, that’s VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It’s like a lotta noise to me. I don’t know…
Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?
Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven’t really paid the bill
Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?
Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.
Chandler: Whoa ho.
Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).
Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?
Joey: Sure.
Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?
Joey: Not so much.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Monica: (relieved) It’s only you.
Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing?
Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy.
Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes!
Monica: So do you think that these pictures—Are, are they trying to tell a story?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’
Monica: Well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that.
(They flip through the pages to another picture.)
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?
Rachel and Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that’s got to come in handy
Monica: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: (thinks) I don’t know.
Monica: Me neither.
Phoebe: Rachel.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: I don’t know. (Pause) Me neither.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had.
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.
Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.
Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I’m not even sure I got it.
Ross: What, you didn’t get it? The doctor is a monkey.
(He and Chandler crack up.)
Chandler: And monkeys can’t write out prescriptions.
(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)
Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.
Ross: Your joke? Well, I think ‘the Hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.
Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I’ll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Well, I’m not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down).
Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down).
(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)
Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.
Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can’t pay for this right now because I’m not working, so I’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff.
Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.
Joey: Uh, I don’t know. Ya see, it’s just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y’know? And to go from that to this, I just… Plus, I’d have to wait on all my friends.
Gunther: Okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
Joey: What?!
Gunther: Flexible hours.
Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are in bed together.]
Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it.
Monica: It’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
Monica: That’s a good idea.
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Do you know what’s a bad idea?
Chandler: Picking Rachel.
Monica: That’s right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?
Chandler: Maybe it’s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
Monica: It’s coming from the living room.
(They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.)
Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)
[Scene, Phoebe and Rachel’s, they’re sitting together on the couch.]
Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.
Monica: (laughing) Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple.
Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I’m just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny.
Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny.
Monica: (angrily) It wasn’t funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn’t you pick me?
Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—Okay let’s go to lunch!
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I’m high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point!
Phoebe: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all.
Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different.
Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you’re not a pushover.
Rachel: Oh my … you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. (She leaves)
Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)
[Cut to the hallway.]
Rachel: I cannot believe her.
Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?
Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.
Monica: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there.
Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.
Monica: All right.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]
Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)
Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.
(Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause I’m heading up there.
Ross: Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coffee. Thanks, man.
Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? ‘Cause I’m going up there.
Rachel: No.
Monica: No, thank you.
Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, ‘cause I’m heading up there.
Woman: I’d love an ice water.
Joey: You got it.
Monica: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)
Rachel: Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there.
Joey: Nah, it’s okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they’re in on a secret together.)
Gunther: Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron.
Joey: Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.
Monica: Joey, do you work here?
Joey: No.
Customer: Hey, waiter.
Joey: Yeah?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here?
Joey: It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction.
Chandler: So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape.
Joey: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.
Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.
Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?
Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird.
Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it.
Joey: See, now it’s weird again.
Chandler: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.
Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y’know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It’s all about turnover.
Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?
Joey: Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin.
(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel’s, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?
Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
Monica: Hah!
Phoebe: That true, I am flaky.
Rachel: So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky?
Phoebe: Yeah, totally.
Monica: Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance.
Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.
Phoebe: That’s great. Good for you guys.
Monica: I am not high maintenance!
Rachel: I am not a pushover!
Phoebe: Who said you were?
Monica and Rachel: You did!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m flaky. I’ll say anything.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.
Gunther: No, I’m leaving to get my hair dyed.
Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it’s a great part. Look, check it out. I’m the lead guy’s best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. ‘I’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’
Gunther: That’s the whole part?
Joey: Okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but …
Gunther: Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.
Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. ‘I’m sorry, that seat is taken.’
Patron: Oh, excuse me.
Joey: No, no, I didn’t mean you. But, you believed me, huh?
Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
Joey: So, you’d hire me, right?
Patron: For what?
Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.
Customers: Huh? What?
Joey: Yeah, it’s for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It’s a very important issue in this month’s Playboy. I’m sure you all read about it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]
Ross: It’s my joke.
Chandler: It’s my joke.
Ross and Chandler: It’s my joke.
Ross: Y’know, I don’t think we’re going to settle this.
Chandler: Let’s have Monica decide.
Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Hey Mon.
Chandler: Mon, get out here!
Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.)
Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
Monica: Why do I have to decide?
Chandler: Because you’re the only one that can be fair.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: I can’t be fair. You’re my boyfriend.
Ross: Yeah, but I’m your brother. We’re family. That’s the most important thing in the world.
Chandler: (to Ross) Don’t try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I’m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let’s go.
Ross: We’ll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth—me.
Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first.
Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?
Chandler: Can I finish my story?!
Monica: Do you want me to pick you?!
Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that.
(Chandler motions to Monica that he’ll give her two babies.)
Monica: Continue.
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve’s doctor’s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, ‘Doctor Monkey?’ And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)
Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, I’m a doctor, and I had a monkey. I’m Doctor Monkey!
Chandler: I’m not arguing with that.
Monica: All right, I’ve heard enough. I’ve made my decision.
(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
(Monica leaves the room)
Ross: It’s your joke.
Chandler: Is not.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she’s lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are.
Chandler: Hi, oh hi.
Monica: Hey, it’s Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?
(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)
Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and—(He falters and Monica prompts him.)—generosity of spirit.
Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard.
Phoebe: Really? I’ve heard better.
Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.
Chandler: (To Chandler) I’m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?
Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!
Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You’re a little high maintenance.
Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list.
Chandler: I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you.
Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn’t even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you’re off my list.
Chandler: (happily) I’m off the list. (Sits on the couch.)
Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.
Phoebe: (to Monica) Y’know, suddenly I find you very attractive.
(Joey enters.)
Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go?
Joey: Not good, no. I didn’t get the part, and I lost my job here, so …
Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.
Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here?
Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.
Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right.
Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do?
Rachel: Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him—No, I really shouldn’t say anything—No, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him…
Gunther: Okay.
Rachel: What?
Gunther: He can have his job back.
Rachel: That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back.
Joey: That’s great. Thanks Rach.
Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover?
Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you’re in my seat.
Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. (Gets up and moves.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]
Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend.
Monica: I pick you, Phoebe.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought.
(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)
(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?
Ross: No way.
Joey: I’m not answering that.
Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I’m not answering that.
End

多云有时晴

613 The One With Rachel’s Sister
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]
Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that’s (pauses to figure the total) $12.75.
Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn’t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.
(A good-looking woman approaches.)
Woman: Hi!
Joey: Hi!
Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?
Joey: Oh that’s on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.
Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?
Joey: Well, he’s not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him—He says it’s okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!
Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn’t free?
Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I’m getting more dates than ever!
Rachel: Wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls?
Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross!
Joey: How about a scone on the house baby?
Phoebe: (giggles) I’m pretty.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.]
Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum?
Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, y’know what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know it’s in here somewhere.
Ross: Y’know what? I’m good! I’m good!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?
Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can’t work if I’m sick.
All: Ohh!
Chandler: I’m so sorry you’re sick.
Monica: I’m not sick!! I don’t get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies!
Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you’re a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica’s nose, as does Joey.)
Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.)
Chandler: I’m gonna grab you some tissue.
Monica: I don’t need a tissue! I’m fine-d!
Ross: When you put a ‘D’ at the end of ‘Fine’ you’re not fine.
Monica: I’m fine-d. I’m fine-d! Y’know, it’s a really hard word to say.
(There’s a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)
Chandler: Yes?
(A woman enters.)
Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister.
Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!
Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!
(They run and hug each other.)
Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!
Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)
Jill: Hi!
Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!
Ross: Hi Jill.
Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey.
Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’?
Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?!
Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that’s bitter?
Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: Never mind, I got it.
Jill: And y’know what I said to him? "I’m gonna hire a lawyer and I’m gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I’m gonna cut you off!"
Rachel: Wow! What did he say?
Jill: That he wouldn’t pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he’s actually proud off.
Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad’s proud of me! My dad’s proud of me.
Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off?
Jill: Okay, I bought a boat.
Monica: You bought a boat?
Jill: Yeah but it wasn’t for me, it was for a friend.
Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)
Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I’m the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then I’ll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?
Phoebe: Of course, yeah!
Jill: Oh, that’s so great! Okay, I’m really gonna do this! I don’t know how to thank you guys.
Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here?
Customer: Yes.
Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.)
Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.
Joey: What?!
Gunther: For all the free food you gave away.
Joey: Well if it’s free food, how come you’re charging me for it?
Gunther: We don’t give anything away unless it’s someone’s birthday.
Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?
Gunther: No!
Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.)
Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.)
Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card.
Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Don’t you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.
Ross: I don’t think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own.
Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!
Phoebe: Seriously, I don’t Rachel’s gonna think it’s a good idea.
Jill: So who made her queen of the world?
Phoebe: I would love that job!
Rachel: (entering) Hey! What’s goin’ on?
Jill: Hey!
Rachel: (notices Jill’s bags) Jill! Did you shop?!
Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)
Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping!
Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible!
Phoebe: Sorry Jill.
Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill.
Rachel: What’d you get?
Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this y’know "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.)
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.
Rachel: Apartment pants?
Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them?
Rachel: No, of course, of course I’ve heard of them! Ross, what did you get?
Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this—(Holds up this pink frilly thing)—this!
Rachel: A pajmena?
Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena?
Ross: It’s a rug. (Jill winces.)
Rachel: Jill?
Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry…
Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that’s gonna work on me?! I invented that!
Jill: Right! But, I am sorry.
Rachel: All right, it’s okay. One little setback is okay, just don’t let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I’m just gonna take the-the pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Y’know what, I’m just gonna take it all away, ‘cause that way you’ll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I’m gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jill’s stuff.)
Jill: She took all my stuff.
Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.)
Jill: (gasps) That’s the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much!
Ross: Well. Hey…
Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug!
Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "I’m sorry!"
Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all!
Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y’know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I?
(They both look at her.)
Jill: Were you this cute in high school?
Ross: Oh stop.
Jill: No you stop!
Ross: No, you stop!
Jill: You stop!
Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why don’t I sit here and you’ll both stop it!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.]
Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let’s do something crazy!
Chandler: I know, let’s rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)
Monica: Okay, I’ll rest. But y’know if I’m going to bed, then you’re coming with me.
Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren’t all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)
Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn’t work all that well with the big robe.)
Chandler: Yeah, I don’t you should say that even when you’re healthy.
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.)
Chandler: Don’t take this personally okay? It’s just that I just can’t have sex with a sick person.
Monica: I’m with you Chandler! I mean I can’t have sex with a sick person either, that’s disgusting! But I’m not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.
Chandler: That’s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe.
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey.
Rachel: What’s up?!
Phoebe: Umm, I think there’s something you should maybe know.
Rachel: Well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.
Phoebe: No. No. It’s just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I’m pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there.
Rachel: With Ross and Jill?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: With Ross and my sister?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Oh there is no way.
Phoebe: Okay then.
Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don’t really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can’t stop it! I can’t—I don’t own Ross! Y’know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can’t believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.]
Joey: That’ll be $3.85.
Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff!
Joey: It’s just I can’t because my manager said I… (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie…
Woman: Amy!
Joey: (still singing) "…Amy! Happy birthday to you!"
A Male Customer: Hey, that’s weird, today’s my birthday too!
Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn’t.
Jill: (entering) Sorry I’m late, what’s up?
Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Y’know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front.
Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn’t go in. How strong am I?
Rachel: That is great. Hey, y’know who doesn’t have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university.
Jill: Yeah.
Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you’re gonna go out?
Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that?
Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said y’know thought she saw something between you guys.
Jill: No! I mean he’s nice.
Rachel: Yeah.
Jill: He’s the kind of guy you’re friends with, y’know? But he’s not the kind of guy you date. He’s the kind of guy you’d date because you did. Me, not so much.
Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross?
Jill: Oh no-no-no, he’s just I don’t know, he’s just a little bookish.
Rachel: Are-are you saying he’s a geek?
Jill: You think so too?
Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek!
Jill: Fine, then let’s just say he’s not my type.
Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren’t on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him!
Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I’ll ask him out.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that’s not what I meant.
Jill: No! Y’know what Rachel? You’re right, y’know he has been really nice to me.
Rachel: Yeah but, he’s not your type.
Jill: Yeah but maybe that’s a good thing. Y’know I’m doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too!
Rachel: Yeah but, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t want to try to much too fast. Y’know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don’t you?
Jill: What?
Rachel: She-she died Jill.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.]
Monica: (still sick) Chandler!
Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she’s trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!
Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed.
Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.
Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room.
Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Y’know what’s sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.
Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I’m not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)
Chandler: Would you please get some rest!
Monica: I’m fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]
Joey: (singing) "Happy birthday to you!"
Gunther: You’re paying for that.
Joey: What? No-no it’s her birthday!
Gunther: You’ve sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today!
Joey: But it really…
Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.
Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.)
Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out?
Rachel: Well yeah…
Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she’s cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never!
Rachel: Really?!
Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!"
Rachel: Oh so-so not really never.
Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we’ve been through, I just—y’know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing.
Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler who’s on the couch reading.]
Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think I’m sick.
Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!
Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put on.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.
Monica: Come on! I really need your help!
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no!
Monica: Fine, I’ll rub it on myself.
Chandler: Okay.
(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. I’ll let you fill in the blank here.)
Chandler: So you’re just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: It’s nice.
Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on?
Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.)
Monica: I can’t believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell?
Chandler: It’s all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?
Monica: Not now, I’m sick!
Chandler: Oh come on you big faker!
Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?
Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action.
Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sex…
Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)
Monica: Worked like a charm.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.]
Jill: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?
Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit she’s wearing.)
Rachel: Well, I-I don’t like it.
Jill: Really?!
Rachel: It’s kinda slutty.
Jill: It’s yours!
Rachel: Yeah well, I’m-I’m a slut.
Jill: (laughs) Me too.
Ross: (entering) Hi Jill!
Jill: Hey!
Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).
Rachel: Rachel.
Ross: Rachel! Well, you-you’re not at home, you’re-you’re-you’re right here.
Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it’s not!
(There’s an awkward silence.)
Ross: Okay. So well I’ll umm, (To Rachel) I’ll have her home by midnight.
(Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Ross’s apartment. We see that Ross’s apartment is empty.]
Rachel: Why aren’t you home yet?!
Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone there?
Rachel: Oh yes, it’s me! Sorry!
Chandler: (calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here?
Rachel: Uh, I’m just, I’m just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing?
Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places.
(We see that Ross is returning to his apartment with Jill.)
Rachel: (gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his apartment.
Monica: (entering with Chandler) Who? (She looks out the window at Ross’s apartment) Is that your sister?
Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut!
Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?!
Rachel: Oh my God, look-look he’s taking off her clothes!
Chandler: He’s taking off her coat!
(We see that Ross is taking off Jill’s coat.)
Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible.
Monica: Oh no it’s not, no it’s not. It’s a first date. I’m sure that nothing is gonna…(as she is talking we see Ross close his drapes.)
Rachel: Oh. (Squeaks again.)
Chandler: Ho-oh, he’s gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y’know so umm, he’s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I’m off to bed! (Goes to bed.)
To Be Continued
Ending Credits
(There is no credits scene, just a preview of the next couple of episodes.)
End

多云有时晴

614 The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters.]
Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh… Oh wait, I don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. Uh, I’m eating their food. What are you doing?
Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.
Joey: Whoa, I didn’t know we could date your sister!
(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.)
Monica: Joey we know you steal our food.
(Joey offers them some potato chips.)
Chandler: I’m good.
Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon?
Rachel: Yeah. And y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over.
Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing?
Rachel: Oh don’t even ask!
Chandler: Yuck!
Joey: I can’t believe Ross went out with Rachel’s sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.
Chandler: That was like 5 years ago.
Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left!
Chandler: Joey…
Joey: You wanna make it 6?!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It’s the next day.]
Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: (to Gunther) I’ll take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night?
Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.
Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!
Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils.
Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing happened.
Ross: Something could’ve happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.
Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please don’t show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?"
Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn’t in to me, why-why would she ask me out again?
Rachel: She asked-asked you out again?
Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can’t. It’s just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can’t do it! I can’t do it.
Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It’s okay. (Rachel stops.) It’s okay. Hey, it’s too weird for you, I won’t see her again.
Rachel: Thank you. I…yeah.
Ross: I mean after tomorrow night.
Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can’t! I can’t do it! (Starts to freak out.) It’s just gonna freak me out!!!
Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll-I’ll tell her tonight I can’t see her anymore.
Rachel: Ross thanks.
Ross: You want me to call her right now?
Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that’s-that’s crazy—I mean that’s crazy. So what’s-what’s going on with you? What is going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester!
Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.]
Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part.
Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too.
(We see the TV and it’s the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.)
Phoebe: Oh y’know what’s sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!
Joey: (crying) You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!
Monica: Chandler there’s nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don’t have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler: I’m not macho.
Monica: Yeah you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y’know? I’m not a crying kind of guy.
Joey: Come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler: I’d be sad sure, but I wouldn’t cry.
Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I’m rich!
Monica: Oh, I’ve got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!
(Chandler starts paging through the album.)
Phoebe: All right, what’s going on there? (Points to a picture.)
Chandler: Oh, that’s Parent’s Day, first grade. That’s me with the janitor Martin.
Monica: Where were your parents?
Chandler: Oh they didn’t want to come!
Phoebe: Oh Chandler!
Monica: Poor thing!
Phoebe: So that story doesn’t make you cry?
Chandler: No! Look, I don’t cry! It’s not a big deal! Okay?!
Joey: No! It’s not okay! It’s not okay at all!! You’re dead inside!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.]
The Fan: Excuse me.
Phoebe: Yeah?
The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
Phoebe: Yeah.
The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I’m your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)
Phoebe: Oh you’re my biggest fan? I’ve always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you’re really talented.
Phoebe: You’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) He’s a fan. (To the fan as she’s leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
The Fan: I have no idea what you’re talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay’s autograph!
Joey: Oh, you’re Phoebe’s fan!
The Fan: Oh yeah! I’ve seen all her movies.
Joey: Movies?
The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
Joey: (laughs) I don’t think so.
The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren’t gonna believe this! (Exits.)
Joey: Hey Gunther, don’t let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe’s a porn star!
Gunther: Well, I wouldn’t call her a star, but she’s really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget.
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.]
Jill: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Jill: You’ll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn’t even tell me why!
Rachel: Ohhh well. Y’know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He’s a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
Jill: Y’know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I’m not gonna date some random guy from your work.
Rachel: It’s not random, it’s Bob.
Jill: It’s probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn’t like the way I dress—No that can’t be it. It’s really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I’m so stupid! I’m just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl!
Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to.
Jill: You asked him too?!
Rachel: Hm-mmm.
Jill: Why?!
Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history…
Jill: I don’t understand, do you want to go out with Ross?
Rachel: No.
Jill: You don’t want him, but you don’t want me to have him?
Rachel: (changing the subject) Y’know Bob in Human Resources…
Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense!
Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don’t date Ross! There’s a million other guys out there, you just…
Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.
Rachel: I’m not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do!
Jill: Why are you so jealous of me?
Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can’t have!
Jill: Can’t have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can’t have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.)
Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!
Jill: Who?!
Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.]
Rachel: …I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!
Monica: You’re jealous of Princess Caroline?
Rachel: Do I have my own castle?
(Joey and Ross enter.)
Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe’s not here is she?
Rachel: No.
Monica: (noticing the bag Joey’s carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?
Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don’t think it’s the kind you’re gonna like.
Chandler: You didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?
(Joey and Ross exchange looks.)
Joey: Sort of…
Monica: Guys, what’s going on?
Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebe’s a porn star!
All: What?!!
(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)
Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: That’s Phoebe! Where did you get that?
Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker.
Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn’t know he was in there. (They all kinda look at him.)
Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just—I can’t, I can’t believe this. Y’know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who’s always been somewhat of a question mark.
Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y’know she had such a terrible childhood.
Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don’t do porn.
Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside.
Joey: All right well, I’d better take that back.
Monica: Wh-what, why?
Joey: We can’t watch that! I mean that’s Phoebe!
Monica: Yeah you’re right, we can’t—we shouldn’t watch this.
Rachel: Absolutely not.
Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn’t let him grab it) Y’know maybe a little bit!
Rachel: Probably just the first half.
Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe’s our friend! Well, I’m not gonna watch it!
Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe!
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)
(The movie starts, it’s a vampire’s lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.
Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I’d find you here, Nasforatool.
The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around.
(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.)
Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
Chandler: Her ankle is what you’re watching?
Rachel: Well it’s hard to tell… (Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only she’s having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.
Chandler: She’s just doing her job!
Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!
Rachel: Oh, it’s a tattoo! That’s weird, Phoebe doesn’t… Wait that’s Ursula! That’s not Phoebe that is Ursula!
(Upon hearing this, Joey can’t turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it over.)
Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey! What’s up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey sweetie!
Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)
Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul?
Chandler: There’s no back to this couch!
Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y’know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn’t think I was y’know, all dead inside.
Monica: Oh that’s so sweet! Look Chandler I don’t care if you can’t cry, I love you.
Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
Monica: Stop it!
Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we’re up at the altar and I’m like this. (Makes a bored face.)
Monica: I won’t care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don’t cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won’t matter to me.
Chandler: Okay, well I won’t uh, worry about this anymore then.
Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you’re writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can’t shed one tiny tear, I know you’ll be crying a river inside.
Chandler: Aww, I love you so…
Monica: What is wrong with you?!!!
Chandler: What?!
Monica: What?! You can’t shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
Chandler: So you didn’t mean any of that?!
Monica: No you robot!!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he’s running to answer it while doing up his pants.]
Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to… (Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that’s just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they’ve really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if they’re watching.) Uhh what’s-what’s-what’s the matter?
Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we’re not supposed to see each other anymore and I’m okay with that, it’s just that I don’t know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.
Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)
Jill: (entering) I don’t want to talk about it.
Ross: Okay, umm…
Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up?
Ross: What?
Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.
Ross: Wow! Really?!
Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.
Ross: Well, I’d love to! Here, you wait right here and I’ll go get the projector and my notes!
Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you’re such a good friend!
Ross: Ohh!
(He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he’s gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is entering.]
Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can’t find her anywhere.
Monica: No, I haven’t.
Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I’ll just call him to see if he’s actually seen her.
(She goes to look out the window at Ross’s apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)
[Scene: Ursula’s apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: It’s Phoebe! Phoebe!
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you’re making porn movies.
Ursula: No I’m not.
(Someone calls out from her apartment.)
Man’s Voice: We’re still rolling!
Phoebe: You’re making one right now!
Another Man’s Voice: Let’s go Phoebe!
Phoebe: And-and you’re using my name!
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Same Man’s Voice: Phoebe, come on!
Phoebe: Look, I’m talking right now! You’re—you mean her.
Ursula: Y’know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Phoebe: What?!
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! You’re disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.]
Ross: Slides are almost ready.
Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!
Ross: Uh okay, well there’s-there’s wine in the kitchen.
Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)
Ross: (answering it) Hello?
Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?!
Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she’s really upset we’re just talking.
Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me!
Ross: So that’s the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I’m a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show!
Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me!
Ross: Y’know what? I think I can take care of myself, I’ll talk to you later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you’re just using me.
Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Joey: Oh no, not you too!
Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay’s checks; there were a lot of them.
Joey: Nice!
Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I won’t have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address.
Joey: That’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think you’re a porn star?
Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it.
Joey: You do?
Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where he’s seen her before.) (To him) You’re trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I’ll give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?
Joey: Yeah.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill.
Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened?
Ross: Umm, she kissed me.
Rachel: What?! You kissed!
Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!!
Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?
Rachel: Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!
Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it. I guess I-I just wasn’t thinking…
Rachel: Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.)
Ross: Oh wait—hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth long enough to tell me that.
Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.
Rachel: Wow. I, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.)
Ross: You’re welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)
(Chandler starts crying.)
Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying?
Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just don’t see why those two can’t work things out!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters.]
Jill: All right, I’m leaving! Because I’m not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That’s you Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.
Jill: (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?
Ross: You take care Jill.
Jill: (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Rachel: Bye-bye-e!
Monica: Bye.
Chandler: (starts crying) I-I can’t believe Jill’s gone. (They all look at him.) I can’t help it, I opened a gate.
End

多云有时晴

615-616
The One That Could Have Been
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Wow!
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who’s Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn’t he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn’t that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross: I know what you mean, I’ve always wondered how different my life would be if-if I’d never gotten divorced.
Phoebe: Which time?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn’t realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can’t. I keep seeing it the good way.
Ross: I’d bet I’d still be doing my kara-tay. (That’s karate, he’s just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y’know, not doing anything else physical.
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn’t be dating me, that’s for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that I’m that shallow?
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there’s Carol again!
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I’d probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job’s fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don’t have to wear a tie.
Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Rachel: Well why didn’t you take the job?
Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y’know that if I’d work with stocks, I’d have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we’d still hang out?
Opening Credits
{Transcriber’s note: This is where the opening credits are, but they’re not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel’s still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then they’re dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn’t apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Ross: No-no. It’s-it’s me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica’s brother!
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Ross: Good-good, I’m-I’m married. (Shows her his ring.)
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Ross: Is-isn’t it the best?
Rachel: Oh, it’s the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how’s Monica?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she’s right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she’d be so excited!
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Rachel: Oh wait, don’t you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Ross: No, it’s okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don’t…
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.
Rachel: But! Don’t you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let’s go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica’s boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica’s fat, I won’t be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: He’s not boring! He’s just-he’s just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y’know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it’s a seed.
Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that’s been masquerading as a nut?
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Oh no! What’s the matter?
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Monica's Boyfriend: Y’know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.
Monica: Okay.
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)
Chandler: Was his question what’s more boring than him?
Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesn’t have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: That’s an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey: That’s great! That would be great! Let’s do that!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don’t need any assistance in there, take a break!
Chandler: All right!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She’s wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Phoebe: Ohh that’s so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it’s a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey Mon!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She’s not quite sure of that one.)
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Ross: And that’s Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we’ve seen each other?
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon’s party. I played you one of my songs, y’know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are—do you, do you still do music?
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I’ll play you one of my other…
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica: Rach, he’s a friend of ours.
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Chandler: Well it’s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he’s not real.
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: He’s coming over! He’s coming over!
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and can’t look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachel’s hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you…
Joey: Well, it’s always nice to meet the fans.
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She’s not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin’?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe’s cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who’s this? (Listens) Oh okay, you’re gonna like working for me. What’s your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I… Whatever… Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Chandler: Uh-oh, it’s my boss!
Joey: All right, here’s a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I’m delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don’t you?
Chandler: What?
Monica: You’re his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monica’s room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn’t just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can’t call my office they’ll kill me! I can’t call my clients they’ll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can’t breathe.
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Then yes that is what I’m having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)
Monica: Oh my God!
Commercial Break
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, it’s not that bad! Y’know most people would be excited if they didn’t have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people don’t like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and I’m already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is nature’s way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature’s way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you’re not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you’re not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica: Let’s take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y’know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) So what’s going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, I’ve been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?
Ross: Well, last weekend…
Phoebe: Oh that’s not so bad.
Ross: …will be two months…
Phoebe: That is.
Ross: …since I stopped trying.
Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Phoebe: I don’t know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other…
Ross: Oh.
Phoebe: Y’know, dirty talk, ménage à trois, toys…
Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Roll playing… You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you’re-you’re-you’re rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody’s watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So how’s it going with Joey?
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I’m with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I’m lost and I can’t find food."
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Monica: Yeah! She’s right in there! (Points to Phoebe’s room.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Brady’s Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, y’know, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn’t.
Joey: Why? (In Drake’s voice.) Why can’t the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isn’t that a line from the show?!
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake’s voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Rachel: That’s a line from the show too!
Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, here’s the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there’s pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don’t like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn’t juice. All juice, okay?
Chandler: I’m sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, I’m sorry, I’m being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) You’re gonna throw that juice at me, aren’t ya?
Chandler: It’s not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Carol: What do you mean?
Ross: Carol our sex life is—it’s just not working…
Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don’t we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don’t you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life… I was thinking, maybe I don’t know, we could try some-some new things. Y’know? For fun?
Carol: Like what?
Ross: Well I don’t know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carol’s shocked and obviously doesn’t like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesn’t like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y’know we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Monica: Oh my God! That’s great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You’re a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Chandler: Aww.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out…) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won’t let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesn’t budge.)
Chandler: You wanna share it?
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you’re mad, but I just want to say I’m sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Y’know? I mean, y’know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: It’s not mayonnaise!!
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Chandler: What’s this?
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! That’s great! Congratulations! What’s the story?!
Chandler: Oh you wouldn’t uh, care. It’s just a stupid comic book story.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn’t want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist—as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can’t have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? ‘Cause I think I read it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel: Ohh! And I’m one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Well, y’know it’s none of my business, but aren’t you married?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y’know I just wish we could be like on a break!
Monica: Well, you’re not.
Rachel: Oh, it’s so easy for you I mean, you’re not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don’t think I don’t, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. You’ve, you’ve done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I’m some 30 year old virgin?
Rachel: Oh my God! You’re a 30 year old virgin!
Monica: Say it louder, I don’t think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Monica: It’s not like, I haven’t any opportunities. I mean, y’know, I’m just waiting for the perfect guy. I’m seeing this guy Roger, all right? He’s not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y’know, give him my flower.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you’ve waited long enough!!
Monica: Y’know what? You are right?!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn’t be all this rules and restrictions! Y’know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever…
Monica: Rachel! I’m never gonna think it’s okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe’s room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! It’s not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I’m so glad you’re here.
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.
Ross: I got it!
Phoebe: Give it!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can’t come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Phoebe: Thank God.
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, she’s fired.
[Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course it’s a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It’s set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: You’ve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
Dr. Drake Remoray: That’s right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you’re not a real doctor! And that woman’s brain, is fine!
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
Hope: (sleepily) Drake!
Dr. Drake Remoray: You’re not dying Hope, you’re gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Hope: Oh Drake.
[Drake and Hope kiss.]
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey’s phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It’s Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
Commercial Break
{Transcriber’s Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find…
Carol: Ooh, actually I’ve been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone’s been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so…
Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Y’know, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda…
Carol: Oh, me too.
Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben’s asleep.
Carol: Oh umm, y’know I think it would be better if we just save it.
Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey, how’s it going?
Phoebe: Well, I’ve got to get out of this bed, I’m going crazy here. Crazy!
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Ross: She doesn’t know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, he’s right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Phoebe: I know! But if I didn’t work there, what else would I do?
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
Chandler: Uh, what about y’know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Phoebe: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change—ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean it’s just so realistic!
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. You’ll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you—ready for a refill?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldn’t—so I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It’s like it’s raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if you’re thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn’t get sucked up into the mechanism, well you’d be wrong.
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Joey: It’s uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God y’know, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani’s apartment…
Joey: Yeah, life’s pretty great isn’t it?
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope you’re hungry, we’re starting with oysters. And y’know what they say about oysters, don’t you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. Roger: What people?
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
Monica: And then we’re gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Dr. Roger: Y’know, it’s funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases…
Monica: No-no-no, no! It’s sensual!
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn’t know! Okay!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Dr. Roger: I’m sorry sweetie, it’s the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Monica: I can’t promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
Ross: We’re really gonna do this, huh?
Carol: Looks like it.
Ross: Y’know, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at… (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Carol: (jumping up to get it) I got it!
Ross: Okay.
Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who’d you think it was gonna be?)
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
Carol: Thank you so much for coming.
Susan: Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
Ross: I’m-I’m Ross by the way.
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what you’ve done with this space.
Carol: Thank you so much.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susan’s coat.)
Ross: How hot is this?!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica’s dinner.]
Chandler: I’m sorry you’re here with me instead of Roger.
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like he’s here. (Imitates him.) "Here’s some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn’t add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Monica: Stop it!! That’s not funny!!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: I’m sorry, okay? It just—tonight was supposed to be y’know, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Chandler: What was tonight?
Monica: You don’t want to know what tonight was.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
Monica: Well, tonight was—was going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. I’ve Had Sex Four Times!
Chandler: Four different women! I’ve had sex way more times!
Monica: How many?
Chandler: Nine.
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Monica: No. He’s not a horrible guy.
Chandler: Hey that’s what I tell girls about me.
Monica: Chandler, I’m gonna die a virgin!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Monica: I was kidding.
Chandler: So was I.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, you’re such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey—(She falls off the couch)—Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Joey: Yeah you did.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Rachel: Wow! I can’t, I can’t feel my hands.
Joey: Come, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Chandler: We can’t do this.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y’know? Because you’ve been waiting a very long time and I wouldn’t want to disappoint you.
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you’re horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: I do like that.
Monica: It’s harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Chandler: Stop it! We’re doing this! Let’s do it!
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Chandler: I have some moves.
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin’ there?! (Giggles.) Oh y’know what? I’m sorry, this is just too weird.
Chandler: Yeah, let’s just forget it.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Chandler: Okay!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?
Monica: That’s the couch.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica’s bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: I know! I’ll tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Joey: (entering) Morning!
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I can’t believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we did—we didn’t, we didn’t uhh…
Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Rachel: God I’m just a horrible person.
Joey: Wh-why?
Rachel: Because I’m married. That’s right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV star’s apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Joey: That’s ridiculous! I’m not a "Star," just a regular famous actor.
Rachel: Yeah and I’m a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me…
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh… (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they don’t find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Rachel: No! No-no-no…
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, you’ve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn’t. And that’s what this ring stands for.
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprice’s undying love for her brother.
Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe’s hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Look at you! You’re up!
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: I thought I’d try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water? I’ll be back soon.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You’re not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Phoebe: No. I’ve learned my lesson.
(She goes out into the hall and when she’s there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe: Let’s go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man who’s holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Ross: Hey Joe did… Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carol’s great and I’m sure you’re a very attractive man, but I….
Ross: No! The reason I’m asking is that… I sorta had one last night.
Joey: You?
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Wow!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?
Ross: It was, it was okay.
Joey: Just okay—Did you do it right?!
Ross: Look, it’s just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I weren’t here?"
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, you’re worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Y’know what I mean?
Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!
(They both laugh.)
Ross: It’s just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Joey: Not the other one?
Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!
Joey: Yeah, you don’t want that.
Ross: No!
Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!
Joey: You got a little bored?
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?
Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard…
Joey: Sounds good.
Ross: It really was!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Monica: Hey, check me out, I’m a slut!
Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight?
Monica: Oh I can’t. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you’re still seeing him and uh, he’s a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when… (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Monica: Great! It’s so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you I’m all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Chandler: I bet he can.
Monica: Y’know, I don’t have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure you’re okay?
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barry’s bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Barry: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!
Rachel: Oh that’s right! I’m sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe’s office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she’s been fired.]
Phoebe: Surprise! Look who’s back!
Arthur: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn’t you get fired?
Phoebe: Uh, I don’t think so!
Jack: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Jack!! Hey!
Jack: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Jack: Well, you were fired.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone.
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didn’t get that message. So this doesn’t count—Anyway, I’ll be in my office.
Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you don’t have an office.
Phoebe: That’s all right, I’ll work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen…
Phoebe: You’re in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake…
Jack: You lost 13 million dollars.
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Y’know it’s bad enough that—Ow! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Jack: Are you all right?
Phoebe: I’m having another heart attack!
Jack: What?!
Phoebe: I’m having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!
Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
Phoebe: (to Arthur, he’s the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!
Woman: Hey Pheebs! How’s it going?!
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and I’m having heart attack.
Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back!
Phoebe: Yeah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross: Umm, no.
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I’m looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: That-that’s always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Me? I’m great! I’m fine! I’m sooo good!! But, you know who’s not great?! Men! You’re a man right Ross?!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Sit down!
Ross: Okay. (He does so.)
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we’re going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor’s dog walker?!
Ross: We’re sorry.
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Ross: Didn’t you spend last night at Joey’s?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I don’t know what’s going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Rachel: Oh. (Doesn’t believe it.)
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
Ross: Men. I guy I know.
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Ross: She is not… (Realizes) She’s gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can’t believe this.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Ross: I’m sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I’m sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren’t that great either.
Ross: Try telling my wife that.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Monica: What?!
Chandler: I’m the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
Monica: Why would you do that?
Chandler: Because you shouldn’t be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they don’t just happen. Y’know? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y’know I was just lying there and I couldn’t wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y’know with a friend.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I know you probably don’t want to go out with me, y’know because I make too many jokes and I’ve never been in a serious relationship and I guess I’m not technically a "doctor…"
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasn’t there?
Chandler: No, there were two.
Monica: Including me?
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]
Phoebe: (singing)
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see…
One of them won’t do it, but the second one will set you free…
Tell all your hate and anger, it’s time to say good-bye…
And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die!
La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la……
End

多云有时晴

617 The One With The Unagi
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Joey is working.]
Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking?
Joey: (he’s just picked up their bill) Hey! So, what’s with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?
Chandler: Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe.
Joey: Y’know what’s more generous than that?! Fifty percent! Y’know what’s even more generous than that?!!
Chandler: I see where you’re goin’!
Ross: What’s up with the greed Joe?
Joey: All right, look I’m sorry you guys, but it’s just that I gotta get these new head shots made. And they’re really expensive, y’know? I’m down to like three! Well, actually two ‘cause one of ‘em I kinda blackened in some teeth—Why did I do that?! (Hits himself in the head.)
Ross: Well isn’t there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I mean, can’t-can’t you pick up, I don’t know, an extra shift here?
Phoebe: Or, y’know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if you’ve got y’know a little of this (she sticks her chest out and shakes it) goin’ on. Wow! I still have it!
Ross: Oh, wait! Wait! Don’t you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe you’ll get that job!
Joey: Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down on me all the time!
Chandler: (reminiscing) Ah, finally an explanation.
Joey: No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? Let’s see uh, well I don’t want to donate sperm again. (To Ross) I really prefer doing that at the home office y’know? (Ross nods his head.) Ooh-ooh, maybe they want like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh?
Gunther: (approaching with a tray with an order on it) Joey!
Joey: Yeah?
Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you’re working?
Joey: Uhh do it?
Gunther: That guy (points) has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! He’s complained about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup to Joey, assuming that Joey will deliver it and walks away.)
Joey: Well, where was I? (Takes a sip of the coffee.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter wearing workout clothes.]
Ross: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey, what have you guys been up to?
Phoebe: Ohh! We went to a self-defense class today!
Ross: Wow!
Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!
Joey: Takes it out of you? (Laughs.)
Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody’s ass!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: After one class? I don’t think so.
Rachel: What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Go over there (points) and pretend you’re a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!!
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that’s not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there’s a concept you should really be familiar with. It’s what the Japanese call (he holds two fingers up to his temple, and he does this every time he says this word) unagi.
Rachel: Isn’t that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it’s a concept!
Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! It’s freshwater eel!
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too…
Rachel: Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now!
Ross: Y’know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don’t even care!
Phoebe: (deadpan) Come on Ross. We’re sorry. Please tell us what it is.
Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you!
Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?
(Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.)
Ross: (moves closer) All I’m saying is, it’s one thing being prepared for an attack against like each other; whole another story being prepared for an attack, I don’t know, like a (turns and puts his face close to Rachel’s and screams) surprise!!
(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)
Ross: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn’t mean you have unagi. (Does the finger thing.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Ooh! Y’know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour.
Ross: Y’know what… (Moves away as Chandler enters, panicked.)
Chandler: Hey-hey, is Monica here?
Phoebe: No.
Ross: No.
Chandler: Okay, look I need your help, I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s Day.
Rachel: Well, Valentine’s Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn’t get her a calendar!
Chandler: (laughs) She was working on Valentine’s Day so we’re celebrating it tonight.
Joey: Ohh, hey! Why don’t you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas?
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, that’s actually a really good idea!
Joey: And of course, crotchless panties.
Chandler: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I can’t do that we promised we’d make each other gifts this year.
Rachel: Aw, I love that.
Phoebe: You guys!
Joey: You can’t make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut…
Rachel: (interrupting him) Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like so much fun.
Chandler: Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut.
Phoebe: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make?
Chandler: I made a… (Does one of those gibberish words.)
Phoebe: What is that?
Chandler: Nothing!
Ross: So what are you gonna do?
Chandler: Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?
Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! (She takes out a sock that’s been made into a bunny with eyes, nose, mouth, whiskers, and two other socks sown onto it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud!
Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock!
Phoebe: Now, it’s you little bunny friend. (She sticks it in Rachel’s face and they both laugh.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is desperately trying to make his Valentine’s Day gift. He takes a paper cup, turns it upside down, sticks two pencils into the top, and hangs a coat hanger from the bottom.]
Chandler: (admiring his work) This, this actually is a… (Does the same gibberish word from before.)
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine’s Day gifts?
Monica: Oh, yeah.
Chandler: Do we have to make the entire thing?
Monica: Yes! Why, did you—you forget to make yours?
Chandler: Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and pick-pick it up.
Monica: Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I can’t wait! This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever! (Chandler giggles and exits.) I can’t believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents!
Chandler: (sticking his head back in) What?
Monica: I’m just so excited to make the presents! (Chandler does another sarcastic/scared laugh and leaves.) Shoot!
[Scene: A Medical Research Office, Joey is there to sign up for an experiment, any experiment.]
Joey: (to the receptionist) Hi uh, I’m Joey Tribbiani and with all do respect I’d like to donate some fluids.
Receptionist: We’re actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so we’re not looking for applicants right now.
Joey: Oh that’s too bad. I’ve kinda been saving up. (She just looks at him in horror.) Uh, are you sure there’s no studies I can participate in?
Receptionist: Well, here’s a schedule of what’s coming up. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thanks. (Starts to read it.) Well but this one starts now. (Points to one.)
Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. It’s a twins study.
Joey: But it’s $2,000.
Receptionist: Sorry.
Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists.
Receptionist: We already got the results back on that on, and they’re not good. (Joey beats a hasty retreat.)
[Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump out on Monica’s side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the stairs, he jumps out and yells…]
Ross: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!!
(They both scream and jump away.)
Phoebe: Ross!!!
Rachel: What the hell was that?!
Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing every time now.)
Phoebe: Ohh, you’re a freak!!
Ross: Perhaps. Now I’m curious, at what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass?
Rachel: All right, so we weren’t prepared!
Ross: I’m sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but I—look, I just want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to throw out the garbage and Ross screams…) DANGER!!!!! (She completely ignores him and keeps walking.) Ahhh, huh? Unagi.
[Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is there on his audition and thinking about that 2,000 bucks for the twins study.]
Joey: (in his head) 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Oh, I wish I had a twin. Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me? (The camera widens its shot to reveal a room full of Joey look-a-likes. Joey looks at the guy next to him and then back at his script.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming in from doing his laundry. He starts folding it as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (not turning around) Chandler. I sensed it was you.
Chandler: What?!
Ross: Unagi. I’m always aware.
Chandler: Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel?
Ross: What’s up?
Chandler: I can’t figure out what to make Monica.
Ross: Oh, why don’t you make her one of your little jokes.
Chandler: I’m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade?
Ross: Y’know what? She’d-she’d love this. (Picks up a model of the Saturn V rocket, that’s the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, it’s an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.
Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to the moon.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn’t actually land on the moon. But you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited the moon and the one that read the Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the famous Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the moon.)
Chandler: Wait a minute, I can’t give this to her.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate Monica" on the bottom.
Ross: Oh.
(Chandler leaves dejectedly. When the door closes Rachel and Phoebe jump out from behind the curtains and scream…)
Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!!!!!
(Ross screams like a little girl.)
Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, he’s still trying to figure out what to make Monica.]
Chandler: Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet, moves the clothes out of the way, and notices an empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and bends it all out of shape. Then he holds it out as if he’s giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it myself. (He throws it down and goes to her chest, grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes out a pair of scissors. He turns around and holds the scissors to the crotch of the panties he just removed.) I can’t do it. I can’t do it. (He throws them both down and continues looking. He opens another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A mixed tape!! (He runs out into the living room.)
[Cut to the living room, Chandler is entering as Monica finishes wrapping her present for him on the kitchen table.]
Chandler: Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts?
Monica: Sure! Okay, you go first.
Chandler: Okay, come here! Come here.
Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the couch.)
Chandler: Now, it’s not wrapped because I just, just finished it.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.
Monica: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You Look Tonight on it?!
Chandler: (momentarily terrified) Maybe we’ll have to listen and see!
Monica: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!
Chandler: Okay!
Monica: Okay, you ready to open yours?
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Okay.
(He opens his present to find Phoebe’s sock bunny from earlier.)
Chandler: It’s a sock bunny.
Monica: Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call you bunny?
Chandler: Not really.
Monica: Well, I did one time, and-and I want to start doing it more. See that’s what this is about.
Chandler: I see. Y’know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.
Monica: No! No, she doesn’t. Uh Phoebe, what she makes—that’s uh—they’re sock rabbits. They are completely different—Okay! Okay! Okay! I didn’t make it! I’m sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that we’re supposed to make the presents!
Chandler: Oh, it’s okay. I don’t…
Monica: No-no, it’s not okay! It’s not! I mean you were just… You’re so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! Y’know I’m just gonna—I, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and I am going to do anything you want in there! (Points to the bedroom.)
Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are relaxing in sexual bliss.]
Chandler: Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) You are way to young to have seen that!
Monica: Oops! (Covers its eyes.) Y’know, your birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?
Chandler: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.
Monica: We have got to wash that! (Referring to the sock bunny.)
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.)
Monica: Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was too expensive?
Chandler: You have done enough!
Monica: I wanna wake up early and go get it for you!
Chandler: No you don’t—get it in black, not brown.
(The oven dings.)
Monica: Oop, your cake is ready!
Chandler: Oop!
(They both get out of bed and go get some cake.)
Chandler: Well, it’s like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake.
(As they approach the kitchen, the door opens and in walks in a Joey look-a-like.)
Joey's Look-A-Like: Hey Mon! Hey Chann! (He goes to the fridge) Just gettin’ a soda! (Does so.)
Monica: Who the hell are you?!
Joey's Look-A-Like: I’m Joey! How are you doin’?!
Joey: (entering) No! No! No! No! No! How you doin’?! How you doin’—Damnit Carl! Go wait in the hall! (Goes into the hall.)
Joey: Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of Carl.
Chandler: Who the hell is Carl?!
Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.
Chandler: Y’know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren’t they?
Joey: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Y’know? The only problem is, Carl’s acting is… (Does the international hand symbol for so-so.)
Monica: The only problem!
Joey: Yeah, he’s the reason I didn’t get that big Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up.
Carl: (sticking his head back in) Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake?
Joey: (to Carl) Pizza!! We like Pizza!! Get out!!! (Carl does so.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are returning.]
Phoebe: Pat Sajak?
Rachel: Yep!
Phoebe: Alex Trebek?
Rachel: Oh, of course!
Phoebe: Chuck Woolery?
Rachel: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, who’s ass I cannot kick.
(They start to walk into the living room and notice someone’s head sticking up from behind a chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we see it’s Ross.)
[Time lapse. The girls have Ross pinned face down. Phoebe is sitting on his back and arms while holding his head down and facing Rachel. Rachel is sitting on his knees and holding his lower legs vertically, causing Ross pain.]
Rachel: Say it!
Phoebe: Say we are unagi!
Ross: It’s not something you are! It’s something you have!
Rachel: Say it!
Ross: Y’know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt!
(Rachel yanks on his legs again and he groans in pain.)
[Scene: The Medical Research office, Joey is there with Carl in the waiting room. Two identical twins come out and both wave by at the same time.]
Joey: All right Carl, we’re next. Now remember, what is not gonna be?
Carl: Another Minute Maid fiasco.
Joey: That’s right! And what are you not gonna do?
Carl: Well, I’m not gonna talk because…
Joey: (gets very angry) Damnit Carl! (Carl goes to say something more, and Joey silences him with a grunt.)
The Doctor: (entering) (To the receptionist) Can I have the next one please? (Takes the form.) Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand up.)
Joey: That’s us.
The Doctor: (seeing they’re not identical) But uh, this is a study for identical twins.
Joey: That’s right, $2,000.
The Doctor: But, you’re not identical twins.
Joey: Damnit Carl!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting ready for Chandler’s arrival. He enters and finds the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.]
Chandler: Oh my good God.
Monica: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.
Chandler: Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now.
Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape you made me.
Chandler: Oh, the mixed tape.
(Monica pushes play and The Way You Look Tonight starts to play.)
Monica: The Way You Look Tonight is on here! Dance with me?
(He hesitates, then goes over to dance with her.)
Monica: You are just the sweetest. (They kiss.)
(Suddenly, a strange and familiar voice comes out of the tape player. Here’s a hint, OH…MY…GAWD!! That’s right, it’s Janice!)
Janice: I love the way you look every night Chandler! (Monica breaks the kiss and Chandler freezes in terror.) That’s why I made you this tape! Happy Birthday! Love Janice!
Chandler: No! You’re the sweetest! (He tries to kiss her but Monica backs away with a look that could kill on her face.)
[Scene: A women’s self-defense class, the instructor is just finishing a class.]
The Instructor: Okay ladies, that ends today’s class, and let’s remember, let’s be safe out there.
(The women all clap and start to leave as Ross comes up to the instructor. Apparently he was hiding in the back.)
Ross: It’s a great class.
The Instructor: Thanks.
Ross: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. (The instructor just nods and walks away.) Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-that-that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-what-what would you do next?
The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them…
Ross: No. No-no. No. What would you do next?
The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker?
Ross: Yes that’s right.
The Instructor: Why?
Ross: I tired attacking two women, did not work.
The Instructor: What?!
Ross: No, I mean it’s okay, I mean, they’re-they’re my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them.
The Instructor: Let me get this straight man, you attacked your ex-wife?!
Ross: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m here. Maybe we could attack them together? (He glares at him.) That-that’s a no.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is trying to explain himself to Monica.]
Chandler: I am so, so, so, so sorry!
Monica: (not buying it) Uh-huh.
Chandler: And I will cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and do anything in there! (Points to the bedroom.)
Monica: (pointing to the kitchen) Yeah you will! (Points to the bedroom) And, are you kiddin’ me?!
Chandler: Come on Monica, it’s our Valentine’s Day. Please? Please-please, please?
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)
Janice’s Voice: (singing) My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! You make me high over my heart!
(Monica breaks the hug and starts for the bedroom.)
Chandler: So, are we going in there?
Monica: I am!! (Enter her room and closes the door behind her.)
Janice’s Voice: (singing) You’re look for laughable…(She does the now patented Janice laugh.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk, Ross is walking up and sees two women that look like Phoebe and Rachel from behind.]
Ross: Ah-ha, nowhere to run! (He starts to run towards them.)
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting up by the window because two guys have their couch.]
Rachel: I don’t like sitting up here! I’m just gonna over… (She starts to get up.)
Phoebe: (stopping her) No Rachel! They got here first!
(Ross appears at the window behind them crouched behind a garbage can and ready to spring his attack on who he thinks are Phoebe and Rachel. The camera cuts to the exterior view and Phoebe and Rachel call the shots from inside.)
Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that?
Ross: DANGER!!!!
Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women!
Phoebe: We should help him!
Rachel: I… Well, I don’t think they need any help.
(Ross starts to scream and run away. He stops in front of the window of Central Perk to check the pursuit and notices Phoebe and Rachel inside looking at him. He mouths, "What?" Then realizes that the women he attacked are closing in so he screams and runs away.)
End

多云有时晴

618 The One Where Ross Dates A Student

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved Dr. Geller’s class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!"
Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there’s a big selling calendar, eh?
Rachel: Who wrote it?
Ross: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous.
Joey: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Oh, ‘cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there’s your admirer. (Ross is stunned.)
Chandler: A hot girl’s at stake and all of the sudden he’s Rain Man.
Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why are we so sure that this is a girl?
Ross: It’s a girl! Anyway, it wou—it wouldn’t matter. Okay? Because I’m a teacher and she’s a student.
Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules?
Ross: No, but it is frowned upon.
Chandler: I see.
Ross: Besides, there’s a big age difference.
Joey: Oh, well think of it like this, when you’re 90…
Ross: I know when I’m 90 she’ll be like 80 and it won’t seem like such a big difference.
Joey: No that’s not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to say is when you’re 90 you’ll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey Chandler! Y’know that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
Phoebe: What’s a Movement class?
Monica: It’s Chandler’s way of pretending he didn’t take mime.
Joey: Oh well listen, anyway she’s directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition!
Chandler: Oh, I don’t know man. I haven’t talked to her in like ten years.
Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred…
Joey: Hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? Why? Will you make the call or what?
Chandler: Oh okay, I’ll-I’ll try.
Joey: All right! Thanks! You’re the best! Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday?
Joey: (angrily) Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?!
Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Mon? I’m gonna check my messages.
Chandler: You just thought of that in there?
Monica: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to see who else did.
(Rachel dials her number.)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello? (Shocked that someone answered.) Uh, Rachel. (To the gang.) Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the cops!
Monica: You’re on the phone!
Rachel: (on phone) Oh my God! Oh my God! Thank you! (Hangs up) That was the fire department, there was a fire at our place!
Phoebe: Oh my God! How bad was it?
Rachel: Well, he didn’t say, but it was a fire. I’m guessing not very good. Come on, we gotta go!
Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny?
Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!
[Scene: N.Y.U. Paleontology department, Ross is putting up the grades on the message board.]
Burt: (another professor) Wow! It looks like you were very generous with your grades this semester! (Ross frantically starts to change some as a female student, Elizabeth, approaches.)
Elizabeth: Professor Geller?
Ross: (startled) Yeah?
Elizabeth: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class.
Ross: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. (Leans up against the board and on a thumbtack.) Ow! (He pulls away.)
Elizabeth: Uh, I’m a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my evaluation…
Ross: That was you?
Elizabeth: Yeah. I felt a little weird about it. You’re a teacher. I’m a student. But would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?
Ross: Oh I, I don’t-I don’t think that would be the best idea.
Elizabeth: Oh, because I was thinking, the semester’s over; you’re not my teacher anymore.
Ross: What time?
Elizabeth: (checks her grade) Oh, y’know what? Forget it, you already gave me an A.
Ross: Gotcha. (Starts to leave.)
Elizabeth: I’m kidding!
Ross: Oh! So-so seriously, what time?
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel's, everyone minus Ross are arriving to inspect the damage. The fire department is still there.]
Phoebe: Coming through! (Has to dodge a fireman) Oh! Coming through! (Sees a cute one.) Oh! Hello! Hi! (Smiles then realizes) No! Right! Coming through!
(They start to look around seeing that the living room is undamaged.)
Monica: Oh well, it’s not so bad.
Fireman #1: Yeah, most of the damage is pretty mostly contained in the bedrooms.
Phoebe: Oh!
Rachel: My God! (They both run into the bedrooms.)
Joey: (to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday?
Fireman #1: Excuse me?
Monica: Joey! He’s working! (To Chandler) You would look good in that.
(Phoebe and Rachel return)
Joey: Oh, how bad is it?
Phoebe: Oh, it’s bad. It’s really bad. The only thing in there that isn’t burned is an ass. Which I do not remember buying!
Chandler: How’s your room Rach?
Rachel: Everything’s ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater. (Hold it up.)
Monica: Isn’t that mine?
Rachel: Fine! I’m sorry for your loss! (Hands it back to her.)
Fireman #1: So uh, you’re not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay?
Rachel: (stands up) Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time.
Monica: (pulling Rachel back down) Yes, they can stay with us.
Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?
Fireman #1: Well uh, do either of you smoke?
Phoebe: No, not usually. But yeah, I could use one right now.
Fireman #1: No-no-no, do you uh light candles? Burn incense?
Phoebe: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh my God! I did it! It’s me! It’s me! I burned down the house! I burned down the house!
Rachel: Okay Phoebe calm down, there’s no need to place blame. Okay? (To the fireman) I warned her about those candles.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.]
Chandler: God, it’s great to catch up! I can’t believe how long it’s been!
Joey: Chandler, is that… (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.)
Chandler: (on phone) Oh that’s great! Good for you.
Joey: Hey-hey listen… (Chandler waves him away.)
Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm… (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
Joey: When you’re off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza?
Chandler: (on phone) Hi! I’m back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, we’ll do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)
Joey: Hey listen, so when’s-when’s my audition? I mean I know it’s Thursday, but what time?
(Monica enters.)
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: (To Joey) We didn’t get to the audition. I’m gonna take her to coffee and then we’ll do it then.
Joey: Ah-ha!
Monica: Wow! So, now you’re going on a date with this girl?
Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I haven’t talked to her in ten years! You can’t just call up somebody you haven’t talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, y’know? You gotta, you got to put in some time.
Monica: You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s not like you’re y’know, going out with an ex-girlfriend.
Chandler: No, we only went out once.
Monica: You dated her!
Chandler: Not once!
Monica: All right, well why don’t I go out with an ex-boyfriend and do Joey a favor?!
Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see Chandler glaring at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.]
Chandler: (laughs) Oh that’s great, my friend Joey’s in the movie business.
Dana: Y’know who I ran into from school? Howie.
Chandler: (giggles) My friend’s name is Joey.
Dana: Apparently Howie’s editing now. Yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit my new movie. Can you believe that?! Y’know I-I-I haven’t spoken to him in like ten years and he asks me for a favor!
Chandler: Yeah, I’ve always hated that Howie.
Dana: No, no "How you doing?" Man, I mean not even a cup of coffee first!
Chandler: The nerve huh?
Dana: Yeah!
Chandler: Refill?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is about to debut Hotel Monica (formerly known as Rachel’s Room) to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Monica: Now, this is last minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Okay?
(They walk into a completely redecorated and repainted room. And of course, the room is immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like Monica could find fault with the room.)
Rachel: Oh my God! It sure didn’t look this way when I lived here.
Monica: I know! Now look, there’s only one problem though. There’s only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joey’s.
Phoebe: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess (To Rachel) you should get to stay here.
Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey, now this was no one’s fault Pheebs. Okay? It was an accident.
Phoebe: Well no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room.
Rachel: Okay! (She jumps on the bed.)
Monica: So Rach! You’re the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you’ll just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, y’know, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much.
Rachel: I have.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is showing Phoebe around.]
Joey: This right here is where I keep the pizza. (He points to the chair.) And uh that’s where the napkin is. (Points to the floor next to the chair.)
Phoebe: What’s that smell?
Joey: I know! (Shrugs his shoulders.)
[Scene: A street, Ross is walking with Elizabeth on their date.]
Elizabeth: Oh please! It was such a big class! You never even noticed me!
Ross: What? Of course I did! You uh, you sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson.
Elizabeth: Who?
Ross: Oh uh, I had trouble remembering everyone’s name, so I-I kinda came up with nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you was Smelly von Brownshirt.
Elizabeth: Oh yeah. So umm, did you have a nickname for me?
Ross: Umm, no. No.
Elizabeth: Yes you did! What was it?
Ross: Umm, it’s Cutie McPretty.
Elizabeth: Ohh that’s so sweet!
Ross: Listen, I gotta tell ya, I-I’m having a great time! Y’know how before you said it might be weird, the whole student teacher thing, and to be frank I thought it would be too, but it’s not. I mean it’s not at all.
Burt: (exiting from a restaurant) Dr. Geller!
Ross: (pushing Elizabeth into a doorway) Burt!
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are cleaning up the mess.]
Phoebe: So did you sleep well last night?
Rachel: I did.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow.
Phoebe: Y’know what Joey left on my pillow?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Gum!
Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fire.
Phoebe: Yeah I know, it was my candle. My candle!
Fireman #2: No, there was an appliance left on in the bathroom. It’s looks like a curling iron.
Phoebe: I don’t use a curling iron.
Fireman #2: Well someone does.
(Phoebe looks at Rachel.)
Rachel: Well, don’t look at me! My hair’s straight! Straight! Straight! Straight!
Fireman #2: It could’ve been a hair straightener.
Rachel: Oh.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is now showing Rachel around.]
Joey: This is where I keep the pizza. (It’s the same location as before.) And—Hey! Where did the napkin go?! (The napkin is not in it’s spot.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is reading and Monica runs over and turns on the lamp behind Phoebe.]
Monica: Now there you go! I wouldn’t want my best guest to strain her eyes!
Phoebe: Thanks Monica!
Monica: Does that smell bother you?
Phoebe: What the smell from Joey’s? No, I can hardly smell it over here.
Monica: Well you let me know if you can, because y’know I can bake a pie to cover it.
Phoebe: I can smell it a little, bake the pie.
Monica: Okay!
Phoebe: Okay.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh yes, one minute please. (To Phoebe) It’s for you. It’s the fire inspector.
Phoebe: Oh! (Takes the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Yeah this is Phoebe. (Listens) Really?!
[Cut to Joey’s, he’s on the phone.]
Joey: (in a funny voice) Yeah, so it turns out that it wasn’t the hair straightener that started the fire. (Rachel prompts him on what to say next.) No-no, it was the candles. It’s very not good leaving candles unattended. In fact, one of the first things they teach you in fire school is… (Phoebe suddenly enters.) Uhh… Uhh… Okay. Well, I have to go now. (Phoebe leaves.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross is telling Monica and Joey about his date with Elizabeth.]
Ross: We had such a great time! She’s-she’s incredible! I thought the-the age difference might be a problem, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. Elizabeth is very mature for her age. (Joey makes the international sign for big boobies.) (To Monica) A concept lost on some people!
Monica: So it’s okay to date a student.
Ross: Well, not really. I mean technically it’s-it’s not against the rules or anything, but it is frowned upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last night, Judgey von Holierthanthou.
Monica: Well Ross, you be careful now. You don’t want to get a reputation as y’know Professor McNailshisstudents.
Ross: Yeah. What-what should I do?
Joey: Well Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean what’s more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart.
Monica: Joey that is so sweet.
(He turns his back to Monica and does the international sign for big boobies again.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey! So, how did it go with Dana? Any reason I should leave a block of time open say Thursday?
Chandler: I couldn’t do it.
Joey: You couldn’t do it?!
Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. We’re going to dinner tonight.
Monica: What?! You’re going out with her again!
Ross: Going out with who?
Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college.
Ross: Oh yeah! Wasn’t she uh… (Does the international sign for big boobies.)
Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin.
The Guys: Ohhhh! (They all look up in a moment of reflection.)
Monica: Joey! You didn’t even know her!
Joey: Ah whatever!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner with Dana.]
Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Dana: Y’know uh, actually I-I-I should get going.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay!
Dana: Wow. Oh, I am really flattered, but I just I don’t feel that way about you.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, that’s not—No-no-no!
Dana: I’m sorry Chandler, y’know you are such a sweet guy and I, I don’t want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better.
Chandler: No-no—Really?!
Dana: Of course!
Chandler: (breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh…
Dana: Ohh, I’m sorry.
Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can do.
Dana: What?! Anything! Anything!
Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?
Dana: Absolutely! But you-you would really feel better about me rejecting you if your actor friend can audition for my movie?
Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. I’ll see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)
[Scene: Hotel Monica, Phoebe is on the bed playing her guitar as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey! How’s it goin’?
Phoebe: Well, not much has changed in the last five minutes.
Monica: Yes it has! I made cookies!
Phoebe: Oh that’s all right. I’m still full from your homemade potato chips.
Monica: But you should eat them now because they’re hot from the oven.
Phoebe: Okay. (Reaches for one.)
Monica: (pulling the plate back) Oh-ho! But not in here! Can’t eat ‘em in bed, remember? No crumbies!
Phoebe: (gritting her teeth) Okay, I’ll be out in a second.
Monica: Okay!
(Monica leaves and Phoebe closes the door behind her and tries to lock it.)
Monica: (opening the door) What are you doing?
Phoebe: That doesn’t lock does it?
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]
Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!
Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it.
Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain!
Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s!
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)
Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before.
Joey: I know.
(Rachel throws some of hers down.)
Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Elizabeth are deciding what to do on their second date.]
Ross: What do you want to do now? Huh? You wanna go get a drink?
Elizabeth: Uhh, I can’t.
Ross: Oh, you have some studying to do?
Elizabeth: No, I have some turning 21 to do.
Ross: Y’know I remember when uh, when I was in college, we used to… (He sees some of his colleagues enter and puts his head on her lap.)
Elizabeth: What are you doing?
Ross: Nothing, I’m-I’m just, I’m so comfortable with you!
Elizabeth: Do you not want to be seen with me?
Ross: What? No! Of course, of course I do! Are-are they gone?
Elizabeth: Uh no, they’re still here but I think I’m about to leave.
Ross: What?! No! No! Wait! You’re right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, I mean we like each other right? There’s nothing wrong with that. Come on. (They get up and go over to the table where his colleagues are sitting.) Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Hi!
Lydia: Aren’t you in my Popular Culture class?
Ross: That’s right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a student and uh, we’re dating. And you may frown upon that, but we’re not gonna hide it anymore.
Mel: You are so fired.
Ross: What?
Burt: They’re gonna fire you! You can’t date a student! It’s against the rules.
Ross: Really? Its not just frowned upon?
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are throwing huge spitballs at the entertainment center.]
Rachel: I love it at Joey’s!
Joey: Hey, here you go. (Hands her another one.)
Chandler: (entering, sees Rachel’s throw) Ni-hi-ice!
Rachel: Thanks!
Chandler: (To Joey) So, you busy Thursday?
Joey: Oh, very funny. I don’t know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesn’t say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Let’s hug it up! (They hug.)
Chandler: Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.) What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?
Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Hi!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Listen umm, yeah okay, I need to talk to you!
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Now I know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the fire but I think I’m partly at fault. You see, I didn’t, I didn’t tell you but umm, but I-I had recently refilled the tissues and so y’know let’s just face it, that’s just kindling! So I think it’s better that I stay at Joey’s.
Rachel: No, no-no-no. Phoebe, this was my fault and besides y’know what? I’m fine here.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you.
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah she said something about crumbies.
Chandler: No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Okay, you have to switch with me! Monica is driving me crazy!
Joey: That’s right, all the ladies want to stay at Joey’s.
Rachel: No! No! Phoebe, come on! I don’t want to switch! Please come on! I can throw wet paper towels here!
Phoebe: No but at Monica’s you can eat cookies over the sink!
Rachel: I know. I’m sorry.
Phoebe: All right fine! This looks like so much fun. (Examining the bowl of wet paper towels.)
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: God, what a mess. (She grabs the bowl and heads for Monica’s.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is looking at his handbook. Elizabeth is also there.]
Ross: Wow! It actually is in the handbook. I can’t date you or have a hot plate in my office. I can’t believe we have to stop seeing each other.
Elizabeth: For what it’s worth I did appreciate you standing up for me. It felt really nice. It kinda made me like you even more.
Ross: I know, I know I really like you too. But we-we can’t date. It’s against the rules. It’s forbidden.
Elizabeth: Wow!
Ross: What?
Elizabeth: Just hearing you describe it as forbidden, it’s really hot.
Ross: Really?
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Ross: Well I-I-I don’t care how hot it is it’s-it’s uh, it’s wrong.
Elizabeth: Stop it! (She starts to get all worked up.)
Ross: (feeling it too) No! No! It’s wrong! It’s-it’s-it’s naughty. It’s taboo.
Elizabeth: Shut the book!
(They frantically start making out.)
Ross: Let’s also get a hot plate!
(They start making out again.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is eating pizza as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: So?!
Joey: So?
Chandler: It’s Thursday! How was the audition?!
Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs—(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
End

多云有时晴

619 The One With Joey’s Fridge
[Scene: Joey and now Rachel's apartment, Joey has the fridge pulled out away from the wall and is in the process of pulling off the cooling grate behind it.]
Joey: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All right. Ah-ha! (He grabs a screwdriver and starts to attack the compressor, only he causes a small short circuit and shocks himself.) Ah-ah!! Damn fridge!
(Rachel enters from her new room.)
Rachel: Hi Joey, how ya doin’?
Joey: Great! Roomie!
Rachel: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates now.
Joey: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. We have to get a new one. Now, I checked around and your half is $400. Thanks a lot.
Rachel: I’m not paying for half of that! I’m only staying here until my apartment gets fixed.
Joey: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge just after I was born, okay? Now, I have never had a problem with it. Then you show up and it breaks! What does that tell ya’?
Rachel: That refrigerators don’t live as long as people.
Joey: All right, now you know that the ATM will only lets you take out 300 at a time, I’ll take a check for the other hundred.
Rachel: You’re jokin’ right?
Joey: Of course I’m jokin’! I don’t take checks.
Rachel: Thank God you’re pretty. (Exits.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
All: Hi! Hey!
Rachel: Do you guys know any cute guys?
Chandler: Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. (Pats Joey’s arm, Joey pats Chandler’s shoulder, and Chandler motions for Joey to say the same about him.)
Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you Chandler.
Rachel: Anyway, there’s this big charity ball this weekend and Ralph Lauren bought a table, so I kinda have to go…
Monica: What’s the charity?
Rachel: I don’t know, something either trees or disease—Ralph mumbles a lot.
Monica: Does Ralph mumble when you’re not paying attention?
Rachel: Yeah! It’s weird. But the thing is need to find a date.
Phoebe: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for?
Rachel: Well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a tux.
Chandler: So he has to be a male who has at least $50.
Joey: Ooh! So close.
(Ross and Elizabeth enter.)
Ross: Hey everybody!
All: Hi!
Ross: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Oh hi!
All: Hi!
Elizabeth: I’m the student.
Chandler: (laughs) Isn’t she cute? (On Monica’s death stare) No!
Phoebe: Y’know, this is probably none of my business, but weren’t you guys supposed to not be seen in public together?
Elizabeth: Oh, we’re not together.
Ross: Oh no-no-no, we’re just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house. (He winks at her.)
Phoebe: Oh, sly.
Elizabeth: Well, I really wanted to meet you guys, but I have to run. I’ll see you later?
All: Okay!
Elizabeth: Bye Ross.
Ross: Bye.
(They kiss.)
Elizabeth: Oops! I did not mean to run into you like that sir.
Ross: Oh that is quite all right ma’am. (Elizabeth exits.)
Chandler: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?
Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
Chandler: Oh, tell her good luck with that.
Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring ‘em on!
Rachel: Oo! When’s her birthday?!
Ross: I don’t know Rachel, why?
Rachel: Well, y’know it’s just been so long since I’ve been to Chuckie Cheese.
Monica: Oh, I like Elizabeth.
Ross: Well thanks!
Monica: Yeah. In fact, I like her so much you tell her I want my cookies early this year! Y’know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tag-a-Longs.
Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, how’s it going with her?
Ross: Well, actually it’s been great. She’s 20 so she’s not looking for anything too serious, which is perfect for me right now.
Monica: Well that is great. And seriously, she seems very nice.
Ross: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me that you like her. Just knowing that you guys are…
Phoebe: (interrupting) Okay, I got a good one. Okay, umm, what is she? Like 12?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the table and Monica is doing something in the kitchen.]
Monica: Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough?
Chandler: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-Ups?
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy for Rachel to take to her thing.
Chandler: Oh that’s so funny because we found someone too.
Phoebe: Oh that’s good, I guess she’ll have a choice between my guy and your weirdo.
Chandler: Why would our guy be a weirdo?
Phoebe: ‘Cause that’s just your taste.
Monica: (laughs sarcastically) Rachel is not going to pick your stupid guy.
Phoebe: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: My guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. And, he has one of these (She squeezes the skin on her chin together to form…)
Chandler: A face ass?
Phoebe: A chin dimple!
Monica: Well, uh y’know, our guy works with Chandler and he’s really nice and smart and he’s a great dresser!
Phoebe: Have you seen your guy’s body?
Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.
Phoebe: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? He’s a massage client and one time umm, when he was on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it.
Monica: You’re not supposed to look!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, like there are police for that!
Chandler: (horrified) Wait! You look? You-you massaged me.
Phoebe: I know. (Laughs.)
Monica: All right fine, your guy may have a great body, but our guy is really funny.
Phoebe: Oh, Chandler funny?
Monica: Our guy’s a great dancer!
Phoebe: My guy is well read.
Chandler: Our guy has great hair.
Phoebe: My guy has great teeth!
Chandler: Our guy smells incredible.
Monica: (To Chandler) Do you want our guy to be your guy?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Huh.
Chandler: Well, you…don’t look good Joe.
Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar?
Chandler: That’s still in there?!
Joey: Not anymore. So anyway, how do you want to pay me?
Chandler: Is this a service you’re providing me?
Joey: No! No! No! For my new fridge—our new fridge!
Chandler: Our new fridge? I don’t live here anymore.
Joey: So what? Look, suppose we were a divorced couple.
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: And I got custody of the kid, right? Now suppose the kid dies and-and I gotta buy a new kid.
Chandler: (not quite sure where Joey’s going and is a little worried) Okay…
Joey: (pause) Give me $400!
[Scene: Ross’s office, he’s unlocking his office door as Elizabeth walks up.]
Elizabeth: Professor Geller?
Ross: Hmm? (Turns around and sees that its Elizabeth) Oh, a student I don’t know.
Elizabeth: I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment?
Ross: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this be regarding?
Elizabeth: Making out in your office.
Ross: Shh! (Laughs then composes himself) Of course, why don’t we go inside?
(They go inside and Ross closes the door. When he turns around Elizabeth walks up to him, pushes him back against the door, and starts kissing him.)
Ross: Oh-ooh!
Elizabeth: What?
Ross: Doorknob! Doorknob!
Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry! Umm, I actually do need to talk to you.
Ross: Oh, okay. What-what about?
Elizabeth: Spring vacation.
Ross: Spring vacation.
Elizabeth: Yeah, we have time off and a lot of people are going on trips…
(Another professor barges in.)
Professor Feesen: Professor Geller!
Ross: (quickly jumping away from Elizabeth) Yes, professor Feesen-sen-stenlger… I’ll be with you in one moment. (To Elizabeth) So, I will take one box of the Thin Mints. (And he ushers Elizabeth out of the office.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Ross, Chandler, and Joey are entering.]
Ross: You don’t understand! Elizabeth was about to ask me to go on a trip with her! Is that taking it slow?! No, I’m not ready for this! Okay? What-what do I tell her?
Chandler: Just tell her the truth! Tell her you’re not ready.
Ross: I can do that. Oh-oh, what if she gets upset?
Chandler: Then you distract her with a Barbie doll.
Joey: Or! You can just, y’know… (He walks up close to whisper in Ross’s ear and when he gets there he pushes Ross into the fridge.)
Ross: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: What? What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
Ross: What?! What? How do you, how do you even know its broken?!
Joey: Oh-ho-ho, you think I don’t know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me! (He opens the door and feels inside.) Well what do you know! Broken! That’ll be $400!
Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him!
Joey: (pause) You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? (He opens the freezer and smells inside and recoils in disgust.) That has been broken for a while.
Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still haven’t gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
Joey: I’m not talking to you! You broke my fridge!
[Scene: Ross’s office, he’s opening the door to Elizabeth.]
Elizabeth: You wanted to see me Professor Geller?
Ross: Yes. Yes! Please, come in.
(She does so, he closes the door, and she pushes him against the doorknob again.)
Ross: Oo-oo!
Elizabeth: Doorknob?
Ross: Yeah, it kinda grows on you. (They both laugh.) Actually, I wanted to finish talking to you about uh, spring vacation.
Elizabeth: Oh good.
Ross: Look, I… (He has trouble sitting in his chair.) Look, I’m having a great time with you and I just don’t want us to move to fast or put to much pressure on us. So, I’m sorry I just don’t think we should go away together yet. It’s-it’s too soon.
Elizabeth: Ross, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to Florida for a couple weeks.
Ross: No. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was…
Elizabeth: You are so adorable.
Ross: That! Let’s talk about that.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey! How did it go with Elizabeth?
Ross: Huh? Oh-oh, it was fine. Uh, it was just a misunderstanding. She didn’t want me to go with her. She just wanted to let me know that she’s going to Florida for spring vacation.
Chandler: Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break? (Does a little whooping/party noise.)
Ross: What’s-what’s the difference?
Monica: Well, spring vacation is doing nice things with your grandparents. Spring break you’re doing frat guys.
Ross: Hey, y’know what? Not all spring breaks are like that.
Phoebe: What did you do on yours?
Ross: I went to Egypt with my dad.
Chandler: I can see it now, "Look dad, it’s the Sphinx!" (Does that party noise again.)
Ross: Hey, I think Elizabeth is a little more serious than, "Spring break!" (Imitates the party noise.) All right? I mean she’s taken my class!
Monica: And slept with the professor.
Ross: I’m gonna call her.
Chandler: Yeah.
(Ross leaves to do so and Rachel enters with a guy.)
Rachel: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian.
Sebastian: Hi.
Rachel: We just uh, we just met at the newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field & Stream. (Chandler’s shocked.) What? I read that.
Sebastian: Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you! (He does so and Rachel sits down on the couch.)
Phoebe: Rachel, what the hell is this?!
Rachel: (shocked) What?
Phoebe: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own!
Rachel: You found me a guy?
Monica: Yes! We found you a really cute and funny guy from Chandler’s work!
Phoebe: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is not a weirdo.
Rachel: Well, y’know what though you guys? I really appreciate that but I think I’m just gonna take Sebastian to the charity.
Chandler: Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible!
Monica: Uh, would you stop it with that already?!
(Sebastian returns with the coffee.)
Sebastian: Here you go. (Hands her, her cup.)
Rachel: Oh, thank you.
Sebastian: Sure.
Phoebe: So, Sebastian, do you do any volunteer work?
Sebastian: Uh, no not really. Why?
Phoebe: No reason, it’s just I know a single guy that cares about other people.
Chandler: Are you funny?
Sebastian: Excuse me?
Rachel: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Are you funny? Tell us a joke!
Sebastian: Look, I just wanted to have coffee with Rachel.
Phoebe: Well, so do a lot of people.
Sebastian: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. (To Rachel) Give me a call sometime.
Rachel: Oh, but y’know, no, you didn’t give me your phone number.
Sebastian: Okay! See you later! (Exits.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Turns out he is kinda funny.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: I cannot believe you guys! He was really nice and he left because of you!
Chandler: Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat’s name?
Phoebe: Yeah, y’know what I noticed Rachel? He scares easy. Is that the kind of guy you’d like to take to a ball? "Hey Sebastian, would you like to dance?" (Imitates him.) "Uhh, okay—I gotta go!"
Monica: All right guys stop it. Rachel, we’re very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to do. And y’know what? Let us make it up to you, we have two really great guys for you.
Phoebe: Yeah! What have you got to lose? Y’know you might even end up with someone really special (whispers) if you pick my guy.
Rachel: All right.
Chandler: Okay, so you will meet our guys?
Rachel: Yes, I’ll meet ‘em.
Chandler: Okay now it doesn’t matter which one you choose, y’know? It’s completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself.
Joey: (entering) Pheebs! There you are! Okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks!
Phoebe: Okay sure!
Joey: Really?!
Phoebe: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions.
Joey: Call it even?
Phoebe: Okay.
(Ross returns.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say?
Ross: Well, it turns out that she is going to Daytona for spring break woo-hoo. That means, that means wet T-shirt contests, guys doing shots off of girl’s bodies, waking up next to people you don’t even know…
Joey: Man, she is going to have a great time! Is she staying at the Hotel Corona?
Chandler: You know the hotels?
Joey: Sure! I was there! Spring Break ’81! Woo-hoo!
Monica: In 1981 you were 13!
Joey: So what? I drove down, sold T-shirts, had a blast. And y’know who knows how to party? Drunk college chicks.
Ross: Okay, she can’t go.
Phoebe: Ross, you can’t tell her not to go. You just started dating.
Ross: Then what am I supposed to do?
Phoebe: Nothing, you just have to be cool with it.
Ross: Well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys?
Chandler: Well, maybe you don’t marry this one.
[Scene: Elizabeth’s apartment, she is packing for her trip as Ross watches.]
Ross: I’m so glad you’re going on this trip!
Elizabeth: Yeah! I’ve been working so hard this semester. I really need to go crazy y’know, blow off some steam.
Ross: Sure. Sure. Look I don’t, I don’t know if your plans are finalized yet, but umm, hey I-I know another great way to blow off steam.
Elizabeth: What?
Ross: Are you into crafts at all?
Elizabeth: Ross, are you okay?
Ross: Well, yeah, of-of course I’m okay! What? I’m just being supportive. Supportive of you and this whole trip, and-and (notices something) what-what is uh, what’s this? (He holds up a rather skimpy bathing suit.)
Elizabeth: It’s a bathing suit?
Ross: To wear in front of people?
Elizabeth: Is that supportive?
Ross: Is this?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is reading as Monica and Chandler enter.]
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Good-good-good-good.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: We’re really glad you decided to meet our guy.
Rachel: Oh…
Monica: You’re gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet him?
Rachel: I don’t know. I know I don’t work late tomorrow night.
Chandler: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y’know what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? (Laughs) Eldad come here! (He stands up from the next table.)
Rachel: What?
Monica: Eldad, this is Rachel.
Eldad: How are you?
Rachel: Well-well a little blind sided but y’know good.
Chandler: Eldad, sit down. (To Rachel) Move over! Move over now!
Rachel: I—Ohh! (Moves over and lets Eldad sit on the couch.)
Chandler: There you go! There you are! (Rachel stares at Monica and Chandler)
Monica: Okay! Okay! We can take a hint! (They start to leave but run into Phoebe with her guy in tow.) (To Phoebe) What are you doing here?!
Phoebe: This is Patrick. (Points to him.)
Patrick: Hi.
Chandler: Hi. (To Phoebe) Okay, you’re too late okay? Because she’s already with our guy.
Phoebe: (looks) Oh my God, you’re right! I am too late; they’re sitting on the couch and talking! (To Patrick) Come on! (They go over to the couch.) Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: This is Patrick.
Rachel: Oh, hi.
Patrick: Hi.
Phoebe: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you about.
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to what’s underneath it.
Rachel: Oh-okay, but Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: I’m just sort of in the middle of something.
Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that’s okay. (To Patrick) Have a seat. (Sits Patrick down next to Rachel.)
Monica: No! You can’t do that!
Eldad: Maybe I should go!
Monica: (stopping him) Sit down! We’re winning!
Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Maybe I should go!
All: (Chandler stops her) No-no-no-no! Have a seat! Have a seat!
Monica: Rachel! Rachel! You haven’t touched Eldad’s hair!
Chandler: It is the softest hair! Touch it! (Both he and Monica do so.)
Rachel: Yeah, I’m good.
Phoebe: Rachel? Patrick is really rich. (To Patrick) Give her some money.
Patrick: Y’know what Phoebe? This isn’t really worth the free massage.
Monica: That’s right Patrick, bye-bye!
Chandler: (To Rachel) Eldad is much more cooperative! And he can dance! (To Eldad) You dance for Rachel!
(He starts to get up, but Rachel stops him.)
Rachel: No-no! Don’t dance for me! Please? Don’t! (She gets up to yell at her ‘friends.’) What is the matter with you guys?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, let’s talk it out.
Rachel: I… Am I the only one that this is embarrassing for?
Eldad: I’m a little embarrassed. (Chandler shushes him.)
Rachel: I’ll tell ya who should be embarrassed! It’s you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date!
Phoebe: Then why did she ask us to…
Rachel: I am still talking!! And then you chase away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no offense to you guys. Really! I mean (To Patrick) congratulations on all the cash, (He nods) and-and y’know—(Feels Eldad’s hair)—Wow! You do have very soft hair! But I would much rather go to the ball all by myself than go through anymore of this! Good-bye! (Grabs her stuff, starts to leave, then turns back suddenly, and to Eldad) Now do you use some sort of special conditioner on that hair?!
Eldad: Yes, Papaya Extract.
Rachel: Thank you! (Storms out.)
[Scene: The airport, Elizabeth’s flight is about to leave and Ross is there to send her off.]
Ross: So uh, have a great time down there.
Elizabeth: I will.
Ross: Yeah. And did you, did you pack that bathing suit?
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Ross: It was pretty funny when I, when I hid it for a while, huh? Anyway, umm, I-I am worried about that bathing suit, not because it’s revealing which I’m fine with, no I’m concerned about your health, sun exposure.
Elizabeth: Oh, don’t worry I have plenty of sun block, it’s SPF-30.
Ross: Well, if what’s in the bottle is actually 30. I mean sometimes you get 30, sometimes it’s-it’s get 4, and I swear to God more often than not it’s just milk.
Elizabeth: Ross, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going down there to hook up with a bunch of guys. I really like you. I like how things are going between us.
Ross: Really?
Elizabeth: Yeah! I’m just going down there to relax and hang out with my friends.
Ross: Okay. Cool.
Elizabeth: Oh hey! Here they are!
(A group of about 10 guys and no women come running around the corner.)
Guy: Elizabeth!
(The guys pick up Elizabeth and carry her onto the plane as she waves bye.)
Ross: Call me!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: Rachel, we’re sorry for pushing those guys on you.
Rachel: Oh that’s all right! Y’know, I ended up having a really good time. Y’know, the charity was a big success and they raised a lot of money and awareness.
Chandler: So what was it for anyway?
Rachel: I wanna say a disease.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: I just got this really weird message from Ross. He said turn on MTV.
Rachel: Huh. All right.
(Rachel does so and it’s one of those dance party shows they have during spring break and we see…)
Phoebe: Oh my God, look! That’s Elizabeth!
(Suddenly Ross jumps in and starts dancing with her.)
Rachel: Oh-oh Professor Geller.
Joey: Ahh, to be 13 again.
Chandler: Yeah.
End

多云有时晴

620 The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Phoebe is helping Joey rehearse for an audition. Phoebe is overacting her part.]
Joey: The reactor’s gonna blow in three seconds, we’re never gonna make it!
Phoebe: You’ve got to get out of here! Save yourself!
Joey: No! I won’t leave you!
Phoebe: Don’t worry about me, I’m a robot! I’m just a machine!!
Joey: No you’re not! Not to me!
Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I am extremely talented!
Joey: Yeah, you’re great! Okay, let’s take it from…
Phoebe: (interrupting) No, I mean I was really acting my ass off.
Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, you’re solid. Yeah, you’re just no me.
Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for now. Yeah. I don’t want to be over rehearsed.
Phoebe: (tremendously overacting) Fine! I’ll do it without you! (Joey gives her thumbs up) I don’t need you or anybody else! I’m gonna make it on my own! (Joey closes the door to his bedroom.) You’ll see!! You’ll all see!!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is memorizing his lines. Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as well.]
Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, what’s this thing you’re auditioning for?
Joey: Oh, it’s a new TV show. Yeah. I’m up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, I’m a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He’s a, he’s a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: That’s the title! Yeah! Y’know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.
Chandler: That is lucky.
Rachel: Huh—Wait so Joey if you get this, you’re gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you’ll be like the Big Cheese! (To Phoebe) Or the Big Mac—Hey! You love those!
Joey: Well, don’t get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen.
Chandler: Now-now, why would you say that Joseph?
Joey: I mean come on you guys! My own TV show? I just don’t know if I’m good enough.
Phoebe: I am.
Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about? You’re a terrific actor.
Joey: You really think so?
Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?!
[And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joey’s acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there to watch Joey's first scene as Dr. Drake Remoray.]
Chandler:  Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV)
Joey:  Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
Rachel:  I'm sorry, what?
Monica:  What?
Ross:  Excuse me?
Joey:  It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. (Does this intense look where it looks like he's smelling a fart.)
Chandler:  Oh, ok.
Joey: (there's a gunshot on TV) There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.  I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..." (Does the smell-the-fart look.)
[The next flashback is from The One With The Butt.  The gang is watching Joey in Freud!]
Joey: (on stage in an Austrian accent) Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...
[The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack.  He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
Joey:  I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.

Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey:  C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!

Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.

Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!

Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.
Monica:  Yes.
Ross:  So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
[Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: All right well, I’m outta here. Wish me luck.
Phoebe: (overacting with a song this time) (singing) Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!
Joey: Yeah, whatever. (Exits.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.]
Ross: It’s your turn.
Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?!
Joey: (entering, dejectedly) Hey.
Chandler: Hey! How’d the audition go?
Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn’t even be an actor!
Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn’t go well but it really did go well?
Joey: Yeah, did I fool ya?
Ross: Totally!
Chandler: So it did go well.
Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well!
Ross: Great!
Chandler: Oh that’s great!
Joey: Yeah-yeah, it’s down to me and two other guys.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Ross: Wow!
Joey: And I know both of them, they’re really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who’s always getting chased by those big flowers…
Ross: Oh, I love that guy! (Laughs.)
Chandler: Oh-oh, what are you doing?
Ross: (stops laughing) What am I doing?
Joey: I’m just so nervous! Y’know? The callback isn’t until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode!
Chandler: Well, it is overdue.
Ross: Look, don’t worry. Okay? You’re gonna be fine.
Joey: There’s just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I don’t know if you’d understand.
Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.
[Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.]
[Scene: Chandler's office. He's on the phone, agitated.]
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!
[The next flashback is from The One With The Prom Video.  Monica is at a job interview at a new restaurant.]
Monica:  Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.
Interviewer:  Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
Monica:  Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
Interviewer:  Don't, I like it dirty.
Monica:  That's your call.
Interviewer:  So, uh, what are you going to do next?
Monica:  Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.
Interviewer:  Are they, uh, firm?
Monica:  They'r alright.
Interviewer:  You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?
Monica:  No really, they're OK.
Interviewer:  You gonna slice them up real nice?
Monica:  Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
Interviewer:  Aaaahhhhhhh.
Monica:  I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]
[The next flashback is from The One With Rachel's Crush.]
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.]
Rachel:  (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.)
[The next flashback is from The One With The Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone but Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.]
Monica:  Well, what happened?
Phoebe:  Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until... (The flashback shows Paulo lying face down on the massage table and slowly moving his hands up Phoebe's legs and grabbing her butt.)
All:  Ohhhhhh!
Ross:  Oh my God!
Phoebe:  And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (The flashback shows Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his equipment.)
Monica:  Was it...
Phoebe:  Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it!
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's Sandwich, Ross his confronting his boss about him eating Ross's sandwich.]
Ross: You ate my sandwich?
Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really?
Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.
Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?
Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.
Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away!
[Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]
Ross:  (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!
[Cut to a shot of a park.]
Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Joey: I want this part so much! Y’know? If I don’t get this part I’m never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!—No, I didn’t say that! That’s a lie.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is there talking to the chick and duck.]
Chandler: Oh come on guys, it’s not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren’t for (struggles to get this out) Monica’s allergies. (The duck quacks.) You’re right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joey’s not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)
Monica: (startled) Ahh! Aren’t you dressed yet?
Chandler: (looks down at his clothes) Am I naked again?!
Monica: We’re supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.
Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit?
Monica: Wh?! What about my allergies?!
Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and Joey scores a goal.]
Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be?
Chandler: As crazy as soccer?
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The audition’s not ‘til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Who’d you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)
Chandler: You mean you didn’t get it from this?
Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks!
Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it y’know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!
Joey: How could you do this to me Chandler?! This part could’ve turned my whole career around!
Chandler: I messed up. Okay? I’m sorry, I really messed up.
Joey: Hey, you don’t even live here anymore! What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine!
Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody’s allowed one mistake, right?
[Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandler’s mistakes starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom Video.  It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought him.  They're both at Central Perk.]
Chandler:  You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller!  The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!
Phoebe:  It's not that bad.
Chandler:  Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]
Phoebe:  Chandler, Chandler.
Chandler:  I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi!
[The next flashback is from The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line.  He's telling Joey that he kissed Cathy.]
Chandler:  Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and…
Joey:  And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
Chandler:  No! No! No! I just kissed her.
Joey:  What?!! That’s even worse!!
Chandler:  How is that worse?!
Joey:  I don’t know! But it’s the same!
Chandler:  You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
Joey:  Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
[Cut back to Joey and Rachel’s apartment.]
Chandler: Look, I’m not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you’re not perfect! You’ve made some errors in judgment too!
Joey: Name one!
[Chandler proceeds to point out Joey’s errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat.   Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]
Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!!
Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!
Chandler:  What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
Joey:  Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!
Chandler:  So--You got in voluntarily?!
Joey:  I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do?
Chandler:  BEND OVER?!!!
[The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts.  Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]
Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Lorraine: Hi, Joey. (Sees Chandler.) Well well, look what you brought.
Chandler: ...And what did you bring?
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
Chandler: Janice?
(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)
Chandler: Janice?!
Janice: Oh.... my.... God.
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend.  Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage of him.]
Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way!  I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh come on!  He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...
Ross: What?
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants!  Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!
[Cut back to the present.]
Joey: I said name one!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Rachel are consoling Chandler.]
Chandler: I can’t believe I did this! What an idiot!
Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen! There aren’t any message you’ve forgotten to give me are there? (Chandler has a disgusted look on his face.) Apparently you’re not very good at it! I…
Chandler: Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?
Rachel: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself!
Chandler: Y’know what? I-I kinda have.
Rachel: Already? That’s pretty bad what you did.
Monica: Y’know what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case… (Chandler gets that disgusted look back.) Okay…
Chandler: You didn’t see how mad he was, y’know?
Rachel: I’m sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! Y’know, you fight, you make up, it’s just the way it works.
[We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.]
Ross: It took two people to break up this relationship!!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What?!!
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: (mocking him) You fell asleep?!
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’
Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Chandler: (coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!!
[The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl, Part II.  Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van Damme.]
Monica: You had no right to go out with him.
Rachel: That is the most ridiculous...
Monica: You sold me out.
Rachel: I did not sell you out.
Monica: Yes you did.  You absolutely sold me...
Rachel: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
Monica: Did you just flick me?
Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
(They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other.)
Phoebe: Oh!  All right.  Now, let's not do this!
(Rachel tackles Monica onto the couch.)
Phoebe: Happy thoughts!  Happy thoughts!
(They wrestle on the couch for a little while until Monica gets the upper hand and pulls Rachel off of the couch by her sock.  Monica removes Rachel's sock and starts beating her with it.)This leads to wrestling on the floor. This finally angers Phoebe.)
Phoebe: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
(Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear.)

Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Phoebe: I know!  I know!  I know!
Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
Rachel: Fine!
Monica: Fine!
Phoebe: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
[The next flashback is from The One Where No One's Ready.  Joey is retaliating against Chandler hiding his underwear by wearing a whole bunch of clothes.]
Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God!  
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
(Chandler does this throat sound.)
Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)
[The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In.   It's the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they're not living together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.]
[Joey's place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.]
[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]
[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]
[Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering with a peace offering of a Joey Special, two pizzas.]
Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joey’s not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) He’s still got a chance for the part?! Oh, that’s great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, that’s great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what he’s writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is entering to find Chandler waiting patiently for him.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Please tell me you got the message!
Joey: What message?
Chandler: The actor playing Mac couldn’t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o’clock.
Joey: What?! It’s 6 o’clock!
Chandler: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross’s! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!
Joey: I can’t believe this Chandler!
Chandler: Sorry! I-I-I don’t know what to say.
Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!!
Chandler: (angrily) Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here!
Joey: Oh, well I’m uh…
Chandler: Y’know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!
Joey: Oh wow! Okay man, I’m sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad.
Chandler: Well that’s good. Because you didn’t! And I’m incredibly happy for ya!!
Joey: (shocked) That’s mean! You really had me going there!
Chandler: Oh, we could do this all day.
Joey: Yeah, you’re right. Okay look, listen, let’s talk about what a huge star I’m gonna be!
Chandler: You are gonna be a huge star! I’m gonna hug ya!
Joey: You hug me!
Chandler: All right!
[What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin’ between Chandler and Joey. There’s no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me!]
[Cut back to the present, they are still in each other’s embrace.]
Joey: Hey, do we do this too much?
Chandler: I think so. Yeah, get off me.
Joey: Yeah.
(They separate.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., I’m not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU.
Phoebe: (overacting badly) I can’t! My circuits are fried! They’re fried I tell you!!
Joey: Wow! (Back to reading the scene.) Well then I’ll just have to carry you.
(Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the counter armed with a plastic gun. By the way, he’s overacting too.)
Ross: That’ll be a neat trick, when you’re, (looks at the script) when you’re dead!
Joey: Ross, you don’t have to yell.
Ross: There was just an explosion, okay? My hearing would be impaired.
Phoebe: I thought you were excellent! In fact for a minute there I was like, "Ooh, where’d Ross go?"
Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac…
Phoebe: Yeah?
Ross: Oh my God. I mean…
Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for today. Thanks for your help! (He grabs their scripts and heads for his room.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) He’s holding us back.
Ross: Totally.
End